Did someone accidentally load the ‘Heated Rivalry’ books into your teleprompter? (Check out the dump truck on this guy)

“During his rally last night in Ohio, President Trump discussed Jon Husted, Republican senator’s, physique again and said, ‘I started by looking at his [expletive] and it was strong as hell.’ Oh, my God, you’re still doing the [expletive] stuff? Did someone accidentally load the ‘Heated Rivalry’ books into your teleprompter?” — Seth Meyers

“The G.O.P. is still struggling to find a campaign message beyond ‘Check out the dump truck on this guy.’” — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Man, these math tests are getting hard! (It may not be Nancy Grace)

The CIA believes the AI chief at Nvidia, the tech company, had a close relationship with a beautiful Chinese spy. I know I've said this before, but that just goes to show if you're a nerd, no one really loves you. —Greg Gutfeld 

Federal officials will be conducting a drill of the emergency alert system on November 17th. So don't be shocked when there's a high-pitched screech coming from your TVs. It may not be Nancy Grace. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

90 days until the next insurrection (traveling all across the country trying to compliment as many people’s butts as he possibly can)

President Trump’s ‘Tone-Deaf Comedy Jam’ got tripped up by a heckler at a Mississippi rally who told Trump where he should “shove that ballroom.” Wouldn’t it be a shame if people started yelling that everywhere he goes You know what would be even worse? If people started printing it on shirts? Please, please don’t do this at his next rally tomorrow in Ohio. Or the next one in South Carolina. Please. It’s beneath us. — Jimmy Kimmel

I‘m not a polling expert, but Trump getting heckled in Mississippi might not be a great sign for Republicans. I’m just saying. That’s like Bernie Sanders getting heckled in the vegan aisle of a Trader Joe’s. — Jimmy Fallon

“The midterms are a week away. Hard to believe, isn’t it? Only two more weeks until there’s two more years until there’s 90 days until the next insurrection.” — Seth Meyers

“Well, guys, we are officially one week away from midterm elections. Yeah, it’s the final sprint to Election Day, and President Trump is traveling all across the country trying to compliment as many people’s butts as he possibly can.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The legal definition of a government shutdown (What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?)

"Well, here's a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" –Jay Leno


"It looks like the federal government could be shutting down. The legal definition of a government shutdown is when Congress continues not to work, but they do it from home." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You should because you are (That must be the Republican masculinity we keep hearing so much about)

“During a campaign rally on Saturday, Vivek Ramaswamy, who is running for governor of Ohio, struggled to lift a boy into the air, letting the child slip back to the ground before regaining his grip. That must be the Republican masculinity we keep hearing so much about.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s like watching a toddler pick up the family cat. Somebody’s going to get hurt and it’s probably not the cat.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s fun to have a video of the exact moment you lost your campaign (Me next, uppy, uppy!)

During a campaign rally on Saturday, Vivek Ramaswamy, who is running for governor of Ohio, struggled to lift a boy into the air, letting the child slip back to the ground before regaining his grip. It’s fun to have a video of the exact moment you lost your campaign. — Jimmy Fallon

“It got worse when Trump was like, ‘Me next, uppy, uppy!’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it appears they still have to amputate an arm so she can pay for it (if he had dropped him on his head)

So on Saturday, Donald Trump told Ohio voters regarding the upcoming election that we're going to win big and we're going to shove it up their ass. And the Democrats are torn. They don't want Republicans to win, but they love things shoved up their butts. —Greg Gutfeld 

An Ohio cancer patient is suing a hospital after a surgeon allegedly amputated the wrong leg. Worse, now it appears they still have to amputate an arm so she can pay for it. —Greg Gutfeld 

“Doctors were relieved that Vivek Ramaswany caught the child knowing that if he had dropped him on his head, he might wind up voting Democrat.” — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

These layoffs were brought to you by the letters F and U (if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years)

Sesame Street announced that they have fired several of their long-time cast members. These layoffs were brought to you by the letters F and U. –Conan O’Brien

"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Will you carry me? (35 quarters)

An Ohio man recently proposed to his girlfriend at the finish line of a marathon. And she can never find out that he really said, “Will you carry me?” –Seth Meyers

A boy in Maryland this weekend was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing through the prize door. Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

no one asked the cow to do that (Unfortunately, most of them work at Chipotle)

A farm in Ohio has the words “NO TRUMP” written so large in cow manure that it can be seen by overhead planes. The craziest part — no one asked the cow to do that. –Seth Meyers

According to a recent survey, 15 percent of Americans have admitted to cooking in the nude. Unfortunately, most of them work at Chipotle. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Last seen on Pam Bondi's desk ($50 Million Reward)

"Yesterday in Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar."  --Jay Leno

"Talking to reporters today about the shutdown, John Boehner said, 'If ands or buts were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas.' You know, if they'd get off our butts and quit squeezing our nuts, we could enjoy Christmas." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He better hope they're brain donors (What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?)

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he's taking steps to run for president in 2016. In fact, this week he's meeting with donors. He better hope they're brain donors." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

OK Larry, drop your pants (there is still no legal way to enjoy a Cleveland Browns game)

This is how popular March Madness is: Doctors have found a sudden rise in vasectomies coincides with the start of the NCAA tournament. Apparently, guys are scheduling their vasectomies for the beginning of the tournament so that they can have four days of rest and not miss any of the games. There's an easier way to get four days off to watch basketball. You can just say you got a vasectomy, you don't actually have to do it! Your boss isn't going to ask you, “OK Larry, drop your pants. We both know you were out of vacation days." –James Corden

In Ohio, people voted on a referendum which would have had to legalize marijuana in that state, but it did not pass. That's right, it remains illegal to get high in Ohio, which means there is still no legal way to enjoy a Cleveland Browns game. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we can absolutely see right through him (the Trump files featuring Jeffrey Epstein)

“Whatever is in those Epstein files must be really f*cking bad. They must be finding so many mentions of Trump they’re going to have to change the name to the Trump files featuring Jeffrey Epstein.” —Seth Meyers

“I honestly think we’re just one Epstein story away from Trump announcing that UFOs are real.” —Seth Meyers

At a recent JD Vance event in Ohio, the vice-president was asked about the Jeffrey Epstein files that are still dogging Trump. Vance said Trump has been “incredibly transparent about that stuff”. And I agree – we can absolutely see right through him. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

like India, or Thailand, or China (wife No. 7)

"Rush Limbaugh got married for the fourth time on Saturday. He's 59; she's 33. So, I'm doing the math. That means when she's 40, he'll be on wife No. 7." –Jay Leno

"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China." —Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Greatest. Bouncy House. EVER. (nah, not feeling it)

Strong winds in California recently caused a bouncy house with a child in it to be blown from a backyard and onto a nearby highway. Authorities say the child is OK, and the child said, “Greatest. Bouncy House. EVER.” --Seth Meyers

President Trump this weekend retweeted a post suggesting that he have two years added to his term in order to make up for the time taken up by the Russia investigation, and to make up for the time he's spent playing golf, he'll need at least an additional decade. --Seth Meyers

Police in Ohio recently arrested a man for allegedly stealing meat from a supermarket after catching him with steak in his pants. The steak was visible, because he only hid it medium well. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Proving once again he should stop listening to Hunter (the raccoon now holds a position on the board of Burisma)

In an interview yesterday President Biden commented on leaving the race claiming he didn't think it would have mattered if he had pulled out sooner. Proving once again he should stop listening to Hunter. —Greg Gutfeld 

An Ohio woman was arrested after her pet raccoon was found holding her meth pipe. The woman is being held on drug charges but the raccoon now holds a position on the board of Burisma. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's Not Wrong (they’re planning to open a second checkout lane)

According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they’re planning to open a second checkout lane. –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders said it’s a great idea to have a woman as vice president. John McCain was like, “Is it?!” –Seth Meyers

A couple in Ohio yesterday ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the starting line. Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot. –Seth Meyers

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today appeared on a talk show called 'Pasta and Politics.' It went so well that he's agreed to go on 'Meet the Garlic Press.'" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Greatest. Bouncy House. EVER. (medium well)

Strong winds in California recently caused a bouncy house with a child in it to be blown from a backyard and onto a nearby highway. Authorities say the child is OK, and the child said, “Greatest. Bouncy House. EVER.” --Seth Meyers

Police in Ohio recently arrested a man for allegedly stealing meat from a supermarket after catching him with steak in his pants. The steak was visible, because he only hid it medium well. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio? (our greatest Republican president ever)

"Well, here's a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" –Jay Leno

"Well, let's see. I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something? He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”