I love your eggs (You do not want to know)

That's right, more people are handing out weed at their wedding. Guests love it until the couple's first dance is a 45-minute song by Phish. --Jimmy Fallon

After going out of business last year, Toys "R" Us stores are coming back. When asked how he made a living while he was unemployed, Geoffrey the giraffe said, "You do not want to know." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

doctors say he should be out of the hospital by Sunday (Get a load of Jeff Bezos over here)

“The price of eggs still remains extremely high. Now when you order eggs in a diner, the waiter's like, ‘Get a load of Jeff Bezos over here.’ It's hard finding cheap eggs. This morning, I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, I saw that Guinness just announced that they're raising the price of a pint in Ireland. One politician suggested drinking water instead. And doctors say he should be out of the hospital by Sunday.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916 (Geoffrey's Toy Box)

This month, the world’s oldest person will turn 117, and she says she eats two raw eggs every day. When asked what she wants for her birthday, she said, “A skillet. I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916.” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Toys"R"Us may be relaunching as a new store, called "Geoffrey's Toy Box." I guess executives were like, "How can we make ourselves sound more like a male strip club?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nothing is too good for the working class (If this were a marriage they’d be the husband)

The first great white shark of the season was spotted off Montok in New York. Officials warned swimmers to beware of the shark and warned sharks to beware of Joy Behar. —Greg Gutfeld

So did you hear egg prices have dropped big time and not just eggs but groceries overall. It's the biggest drop in five years if you don't count Joe Biden’s testicles. —Greg Gutfeld

You know it's weird how we’re always right and the media is always wrong. If this were a marriage they’d be the husband. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today, Greenland offered to buy us (he's the Ozempic of the economy)

The stock market has lost $5 trillion dollars in three weeks. Trump, he's the Ozempic of the economy. Wow, 5 trillion dollars. Today, Greenland offered to buy us. —Bill Maher

There are CEOs out there begging Luigi Mangione to shoot them in the back of the head. —Bill Maher

Eggs are still so expensive. But we need eggs, what else are we going to throw at the Teslas. —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unless, you know, you’re feeling like an omelet (the world series of poker)

Elon Musk dresses like the first person eliminated from the world series of poker. —Jimmy Kimmel

“I tried something a little different this year. I set my clocks ahead four years. It didn’t work.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“When asked by reporters yesterday aboard Air Force One about the possibility of a recession, President Trump said that his tariffs will make the U.S. ‘so rich, you’re not going to know where to spend all that money’ — unless, you know, you’re feeling like an omelet.” — Seth Meyers

“During a Fox News interview, President Trump declined to rule out the possibility that his economic policies could cause a recession. Trump was, like, ‘Depends if we use my economic policies from this morning or this afternoon.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was spotted nearby with 10,000 pounds of bacon (baby's first words)

Someone in Pennsylvania stole 100,000 eggs from the back of a truck, and in a strange coincidence JB Pritzker was spotted nearby with 10,000 pounds of bacon. —Greg Gutfeld

A Florida woman gave birth on a New York City subway train. Not surprising, the baby's first words were what the f*** you looking at? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Get ready to start hunting Swedish meatballs (screaming into an empty McMuffin)

“I never thought I’d live in a time where there’d be surge pricing on eggs. This is going to be a tough Easter, kids. Get ready to start hunting Swedish meatballs.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Can you imagine if Joe Biden was still president and there weren’t any eggs in the store? Trump would be screaming into an empty McMuffin right now.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and still, somehow the phone landed in the guy’s toilet (I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916)

A tech blogger in California used a weather balloon to drop an iPhone from the edge of space, at 100,000 feet in the air, to see what would happen — and still, somehow the phone landed in the guy’s toilet. –Jimmy Fallon

This month, the world’s oldest person will turn 117, and she says she eats two raw eggs every day. When asked what she wants for her birthday, she said, “A skillet. I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This morning, I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car. (he should be out of the hospital by Sunday)

“While the cost of other food has declined in recent months, the price of eggs still remains extremely high. Now when you order eggs in a diner, the waiter's like, ‘Get a load of Jeff Bezos over here.’ It's hard finding cheap eggs. This morning, I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, I saw that Guinness just announced that they're raising the price of a pint in Ireland. One politician suggested drinking water instead. And doctors say he should be out of the hospital by Sunday.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don’t get to church much these days because there’s no omelette bar (It’s a driiifteerrrrr!)

A woman who hasn’t even entered the race yet: Minnesota senator and woman realizing no one touched her dish at the potluck, Amy Klobuchar. Senator Klobuchar is expected to announce she’s running for president on Sunday, but there’s a bit of a hitch, because apparently she’s having trouble finding staffers for her campaign, reportedly because Klobuchar’s mistreatment of staff has scared off candidates. I’m kind of shocked. I mean, I’ve interviewed Amy Klobuchar and she’s so nice. This is like getting a car from Oprah and finding a body in the trunk. Colbert as Oprah, “It’s a driiifteerrrrr!” --Stephen Colbert

As you know, I’m a Catholic, but I don’t get to church much these days because there’s no omelette bar. --Stephen Colbert

It has been rumored that Donald Trump is going to nominate his personal physician to manage the Department of Veterans Affairs, despite the fact that his doctor has no experience managing a large bureaucracy. [Colbert as Trump], “Look, I can teach him everything he needs to know about managing veterans affairs: $130,000, and the veteran shuts up, all right.” --Stephen Colbert

This afternoon, Trump got his annual physical, which will be followed by his annual vegetable. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, you know it's rough when they have to strip the Eiffel Tower for parts (4 Large Heroins)

January 2023

“Hey, I heard that due to some major delays, Paris is rushing to finish construction work in time for the 2024 Olympics. Apparently, the delays have been caused by a steel shortage. Yeah, you know it's rough when they have to strip the Eiffel Tower for parts.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Justin Bieber just sold his entire music catalog for $200 Million. Yeah, asked what he's going to do with the money, Bieber said, ‘Buy a dozen eggs.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“The city of Philadelphia is so desperate for lifeguards that they're recruiting applicants who can't swim. Even worse, they're letting the lifeguards work from home.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just slowly scroll on. You saw nothing... (So get ready, Ron, he’s going to cheat on you)

January 2023

“In a new podcast episode, Donald Trump confirmed that he heard Ron DeSantis might challenge him for the Republican nomination, and said he’d ‘handle that the way I handle things’. So get ready, Ron, he’s going to cheat on you.” —Seth Meyers

“Last night the Dallas Cowboys knocked Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers out of the playoffs. Yeah, and now fans want to know, will Tom Brady retire? Yep, after the game Brady was thinking about retiring, but then he saw the price of eggs and was like, ‘I can't retire now.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“And did you guys see this? During last night's game, the Cowboys kicker missed four straight extra points. We haven't seen someone fail that many times in a row since Kevin McCarthy ran for Speaker of the House.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's never a good sign when you see a jumbo jet taking the I-95 to Tampa (I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car)

January 2023

“Well, guys, everyone is talking about this — early this morning, all flights across the U.S. were grounded due to a failure with the FAA's computer system. Yeah. Zero flights took off, but somehow everyone's luggage still ended up in Pittsburgh. That's right. No flights took off. It's never a good sign when you see a jumbo jet taking the I-95 to Tampa.” —Jimmy Fallon

“It's never fun being stuck in an airport. Families headed to Disney told their kids the luggage carousel was the "It's a Small World" ride. They're like, ‘Just calm down and sit next to the Tumi bag. I'll take your picture.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“While the cost of other food has declined in recent months, the price of eggs still remain extremely high. Now when you order eggs in a diner, the waiter's like, ‘Get a load of Jeff Bezos over here.’ It's hard finding cheap eggs. This morning, I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, I saw that Guinness just announced that they're raising the price of a pint in Ireland. One politician suggested drinking water instead. And doctors say he should be out of the hospital by Sunday.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Did you guys see this? I heard that Subway might be sold for more than $10 billion. Yeah, the sale could be done in a few months or a little longer if they want their Subway toasted.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”