Oh? I thought you worked for Donald Trump? (sharing chocolate cake with Xi Jinping and Kid Rock)

The good news is Michael Cohen isn’t under Trump’s teeny, tiny thumb anymore, telling the court, “This may seem hard to believe, but today is one of the most meaningful days of my life. I have been living in a personal and mental incarceration ever since the fateful day that I accepted the offer to work for a real estate mogul whose business acumen that I greatly admired.”

Oh? I thought you worked for Donald Trump? Michael Cohen also said, “The irony is today is the day that I am getting my freedom back.” Actually, the irony is that while you are in prison for your crimes, the guy who ordered you to do the crimes will be at Mar-a-Lago sharing chocolate cake with Xi Jinping and Kid Rock. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

George Washington's real last name (you should still call the police)

Yesterday in Alabama, a bomb squad was called into a post office to handle suspicious bags that ended up being full of hot dogs. So if you know someone who left a bag full of hot dogs at the post office, you should still call the police. -- Jimmy Fallon

Some more news about the President just came out that during a trip to George Washington's home in Mount Vernon, Trump was amazed that Washington didn't name the property after himself. This is real. Trump said, "if Washington was smart, he would've put his name on it. You've got to put your name on stuff or no one remembers you." When a staffer said, "Sir, where you live is named after him." Trump was like, "You mean George Washington's real last name was Mar-A-Lago Golf Course?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Take your kids to work every day (White House drywall)

Today we are celebrating the win of Democrat Emily Gregory in a special Florida state election which flipped Trump’s Mar-a-Lago district blue for the first time in years. It’s a real kick in the golf balls for Mar-a-Lardo. Let’s just say there are a lot of tiny fist-sized holes getting punched in the White House drywall today. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump keeps saying that it was brought to his attention today that we’re the only country that does mail-in voting – when is someone going to step in and tell him that’s not true? Thirty-four countries have mail-in voting. All the countries that have mail have mail-in voting. Trump made those comments on Monday. On Tuesday, he voted by mail in Florida, for a special local election (a Democrat, Emily Gregory, flipped the state seat for the district that contains Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate). He’s unbelievable. Donald Trump claiming he wants to protect election integrity is like Bill Cosby telling you he’ll watch your drink for you.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

turns out they’re invade Venezuela bad (classmates voted him least likely to eat your liver)

Trump claimed his new year resolution for 2026 was “peace on earth”, but that lasted for just under two days. If you were wondering how bad these Epstein files are for Trump, turns out they’re invade Venezuela bad. —Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump hosted the Kennedy Center Honors in December. After boasting about what a great host he is and how much better he is than I am and how huge his ratings would be, Trump hosted the lowest-rated Kennedy Center Honors telecast of all time. I’d hate to be the White House intern who had to tear that headline out of all the papers and eat ’em. You know, as I recall, he said he’d step down if this happened, right? He said: ‘If I can’t beat out Jimmy Kimmel, then I don’t think I should be president.’ Hey, a deal is a deal. Back to Mar-a-Lago you go. —Jimmy Kimmel

“You guys, Donald Trump made history this weekend by becoming the first-ever winner of the Fifa peace prize to bomb another country and kidnap its leader. The most stunning turn of events since Hannibal Lecter’s high-school classmates voted him least likely to eat your liver. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump can focus on his real enemies - the living (after months of grueling golf at Mar-a-Lag)

Yesterday, the Trump Administration announced that the entire Affordable Care Act should be struck down, including protections for people with pre-existing conditions. Yes, now that he’s free of the Mueller investigation, Trump can focus on his real enemies - the living. --Stephen Colbert

As of Friday, Donald Trump is on a 17-day vacation at his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. He’s there to relax after months of grueling golf at Mar-a-Lago. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago (an attack on every American)

“Democrats want Republicans to agree to continue funding the Affordable Care Act, whereas Republicans want to use that money to add crab legs to the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“And Trump is threatening to make ‘irreversible cuts' if there’s a shut down, which — you know what? I was recently the victim of a government shutdown. They are reversible, I will tell you that.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Boeing built this in a hurry (they only broke even)

In other news, Elon Musk and the department of government efficiency (Doge) are reportedly working with Boeing to resolve delays in the new model of Air Force One. Because nothing inspires confidence like hearing ‘Boeing built this in a hurry.’ —Seth Meyers

On Friday, Trump headlined a fundraiser at Mar-a-Lago that cost $1 million a plate. Unfortunately, due to the price of groceries, they only broke even. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s called “YOU Try It First.” (there is no way he’d ever have a study)

Engineers have crafted a futuristic jetpack that lets you fly up to

10,000 feet in the air. It even has a cool name: It’s called “YOU

Try It First.” --Jimmy Fallon

A man claims that this weekend, he snuck past Secret Service at

Mar-a-Lago to take a selfie in President Trump’s private study.

But Trump is denying this, saying there is no way he’d ever have

a study. –Jimmy Fallon

"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book

deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one."

--Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

That’s the country I pretend to be from when I’m traveling abroad (hawktuah-69-420)

During a news conference at Mar-a-Lago on Monday, President-elect Donald Trump said he would rename the Donald Trump “the Gulf of America”. I guess ‘Gulf of America’ does have a ring to it — as in, ‘There was another horrific oil spill in the Gulf of America.’ — Desi Lydic

“Donald Trump suggested he’ll consider using economic force to get Canada to become part of the United States. This is insane. Canada can’t become part of America. That’s the country I pretend to be from when I’m traveling abroad.” — Desi Lydic

“Well, welcome to the United States, Canada. Locker rooms are over there, our Wi-Fi password is ‘hawktuah-69-420,’ and you pay for health care now.” — Desi Lydic

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

either a large chunk of Indiana voters are not planning to vote for Trump, or Mike Pence voted 128,000 times (you don’t believe in luck any more)

While Stormy Daniels testified in New York, Indiana held their Republican presidential primary. Trump easily won, as the only candidate still in the race, but Nikki Haley, who dropped out two months ago, still received more than 21% of the vote. Which means either a large chunk of Indiana voters are not planning to vote for Trump, or Mike Pence voted 128,000 times. —Jimmy Kimmel

Trump, meanwhile, used his one day off per week from the trial to focus on his pyramid scheme, by hosting a dinner at Mar-a-Lago for the fans who bought his NFTs. Attendees had to buy all 47 of Trump’s NFTs for $99 each. I would hate to be his assistant this morning – ‘Sir, a reminder, tonight you have to eat with the freaks who paid $4,700 to have pictures of you wearing Superman tights and a cape, OK?’ Melania, too, is doing her Be Best to cash in, with her own line of signature Mother’s Day jewelry. A necklace engraved with “love & gratitude” and her signature was available for $245, shaped like a three-leaf clover, because when you are Donald Trump’s wife, you don’t believe in luck any more. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Can we make one of those missiles president? (You mean George Washington's real last name was Mar-A-Lago Golf Course?)

Some more news about the President just came out that during

a trip to George Washington's home in Mount Vernon, Trump

was amazed that Washington didn't name the property after

himself. This is real. Trump said, "if Washington was smart,

he would've put his name on it. You've got to put your name

on stuff or no one remembers you." When a staffer said, "Sir,

where you live is named after him." Trump was like, "You mean

George Washington's real last name was Mar-A-Lago Golf

Course?" --Jimmy Fallon

On Twitter this morning, Trump threatened Russia with missiles that are "nice and smart." And Americans were like, "Can we make one of those missiles president?" --Jimmy Fallon

Researchers in California found that 74 percent of mothers confessed that they like one child better than another. Then one mother said, “Don’t use my name, 'cuz I don't want Jeb to find out.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I heard it’s going to be a real snausage fest (FDA Approved)

According to a new book, President Trump and First Lady Melania were seen at Mar-A-Lago on Thanksgiving holding hands and "kissing as if nobody else existed." Meyers as Trump, "That was Melania?" --Seth Meyers

Today was International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day. There’s a party later tonight, but I heard it’s going to be a real snausage fest. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey Kid Rock, what's your take on inflation? (Just get a reverse mortgage on that!)

In other Trump news, the former president’s lawyers were forced to tell a court on Monday that they can’t find anyone to put up the $454 million bond needed to cover what he owes the state of New York. Gee, I wonder why? Can you imagine that call? – ‘Hi, we represent Donald Trump. We were wondering if you could – hello?’ —Jimmy Kimmel

“Who would’ve ever guessed that a hard-earned reputation for not ever paying your bills would make it difficult to get credit. And what’s the problem, anyway? Didn’t you say Mar-a-Lago is worth $1.8 billion? Just get a reverse mortgage on that!” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Yeah, in an interview Donald Trump said no president’s been treated worse than him. Yeah, even John Wilkes Booth is like, ‘Hold on.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The most extensive underground city ever found (a foreign spy looking to overhear our nation’s nuclear secrets at the dinner buffet)

“Steve Scalise is a far-right Republican who voted to overturn the 2020 election and has refused in interviews to state without equivocation that Joe Biden won. In a 2021 interview with ABC News, Scalise also declined to pin responsibility for January 6 on Trump, saying he ‘ended up’ at Mar-a-Lago to meet with the then-president post-insurrection. No one just ends up at Mar-a-Lago. Mar-a-Lago is a place you go to for one of three reasons: a kiss-up to Trump, a real bad wedding, or if you’re a foreign spy looking to overhear our nation’s nuclear secrets at the dinner buffet.” —Seth Meyers

“In other congressional messes, GOP representative George Santos of New York was hit with even more fraud charges, including illegally charging his campaign donors’ credit cards. He’s less like a member of Congress and more like a telemarketer scam your grandpa would fall for. Is there a crime George Santos hasn’t been accused of?” —Seth Meyers

“When asked about the charges by reporters on Capitol Hill, Santos plead ignorance – he was in a meeting without access to his phone, he said while holding his phone. Nothing sums up George Santos more than claiming he didn’t have access to his phone while talking on his phone. Unless that’s not his phone and he stole it from someone’s grandpa.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Normally I don’t say this to a patient, but you are all responsible for your parents’ divorce (I love this country so much)

“Let’s note the differences in their responses to the war between Israel and Hamas. Biden condemned the attacks by Hamas in Israel, while Trump posted on Truth Social: ‘I KEPT ISRAEL SAFE! NOBODY ELSE WILL, NOBODY ELSE CAN, AND I KNOW ALL OF THE PLAYERS!!!’ Well then strap on some kevlar and get over there, McRib Rambo. Trump would like us to believe that his mere presence would have kept Hamas out of Israel and Russia out of Ukraine. This is coming from a guy who couldn’t even keep Kanye out of Mar-a-Lago. It’s pretty clear that at this point, he’s got no connection with reality at all. All he can see are perfect phone calls, and unfair witch hunts, and elections he won, wars he would’ve prevented. I might have a solution: Let’s build a little Oval Office in a mental institution and put him in there. Tell him he’s been reinstated as president. He’d be perfectly content drawing on weather maps and pushing that little red Diet Coke button. He’d be happy, we’d be happy, let’s get it done!” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile in the US, the House is still without a speaker, and Republicans don’t really seem any closer to finding one. In order to reach some consensus, over 150 GOP lawmakers met behind closed doors on Monday evening in what one member called a ‘therapy session’. I would hate to be a therapist for the House Republicans – ‘Normally I don’t say this to a patient, but you are all responsible for your parents’ divorce.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

by the looks of him, he already got the electric chair (Finally, some good news for people who wake up still drunk)

“On the first day of Donald Trump’s civil fraud trial in New York, the New York Post reported that a large takeout order of McDonald’s was delivered to the courthouse. Wow, I knew he was in trouble, but I didn’t know they were seeking the death penalty.” —Seth Meyers

“As for Trump’s lawyers’ claim that Mar-a-Lago would sell for at least $1 Billion – I’m sure he could get that just for the classified documents in the shower.” —Seth Meyers

“In other legal news, jury selection began this week in the trial of disgraced crypto-entrepreneur Sam Bankman-Fried which is surprising, because by the looks of him, he already got the electric chair.” —Seth Meyers

“And the fast food chain Taco Bell announced that it planned to add breakfast tacos to their menu for the first time. Finally, some good news for people who wake up still drunk.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

he buried his ex-wife on a golf course just so he could continue to cheat on her (Grand Theft Mar-a-Lago)

“Donald Trump called me a talentless, loser creep. This from a man who is such a loser, he buried his ex-wife on a golf course just so he could continue to cheat on her.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Kevin McCarthy says he will not run for speaker again, which surprised a lot of people, including me. I mean, he’s a Republican. You lose a vote, you just say you won the vote. Get with the program, man!” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Poor Kevin McCarthy. It’s hard to see any politician come back from this kind of unprecedented humiliation. Speaking of humiliation: Donald Trump,” who was in New York on Tuesday for his fraud trial, which can’t be fun for him to sit there, since the judge already found him to have committed fraud. But his lawyers seem to be having a good time, as one of them brought a gaming laptop to the trial. She’s using her downtime to play Grand Theft Mar-a-Lago.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m kidding – friends like each other (crashing with Rudy Giuliani)

“Donald Trump arrived in New York last night to stay at his possibly soon-to-be-renamed residence, Trump Tower, ahead of his appearance today in a Manhattan courthouse for a fraud trial, and I just want to say it’s really nice of him to come back to New York for our first show.” — Seth Meyers

“Trump might not even have the money to pay the penalty in his fraud trial, which means there’s a remote but realistic possibility that Trump Tower gets taken away, he has to sell Mar-a-Lago and he ends up crashing with Rudy Giuliani.” — Seth Meyers

“This ruling against Trump undercuts his entire mythology. Everything about him is a lie. Not only were his businesses and net worth inflated, but he even pretended that his own apartment was three times bigger than it actually was. Next we’re going to find out that he and Melania are just friends. I’m kidding – friends like each other.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The 10,953th most visited site in the world (at least 15 times)

April 2023

“Donald Trump’s recent financial disclosure report which told us many things about the former president’s dealings but also that he made just $201 from his much-trumpeted social media platform Truth Social. That was less than he would have made if he started a lemonade stand outside of Mar-a-Lago. Truth Social is the 10,953th most visited site in the world, more than a thousand spots behind arbys.com.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The Fox News/Dominion trial continues with the network being in a very difficult position now as proceedings are set to begin with damning evidence against them including texts in which execs openly talk about how dumb Trump’s lawyers were. Trump recently posted that Fox should double down and continue to report the falsehoods they are currently being sued over. It was like if O.J. tried on the glove then turned around and killed Johnnie Cochran with it.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump’s recent appearance at an NRA convention, where he called for teachers across the US to be armed to help combat school shootings. What a remarkably stupid and dangerous idea. If this had been the case when I was at school, my Spanish teacher would have shot me at least 15 times.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

You mean George Washington's real last name was Mar-A-Lago Golf Course? (When murder hornets hit Louisiana)

Some more news about the President just came out that during a trip to George Washington's home in Mount Vernon, Trump was amazed that Washington didn't name the property after himself. This is real. Trump said, "if Washington was smart, he would've put his name on it. You've got to put your name on stuff or no one remembers you." When a staffer said, "Sir, where you live is named after him." Trump was like, "You mean George Washington's real last name was Mar-A-Lago Golf Course?" --Jimmy Fallon

I read that hoarding is getting worse in the U.S. and affects over 15 million Americans. Of course it might be higher now, 'cuz I read that in a newspaper I've been saving since 2003. –Jimmy Fallon

Researchers in California found that 74 percent of mothers confessed that they like one child better than another. Then one mother said, “Don’t use my name, 'cuz I don't want Jeb to find out.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”