Don't ask her how she operated the stick shift (the dictionary completely nails it)

 A Florida cop pulled over a one-handed woman for holding a cell phone while driving. Don't ask her how she operated the stick shift. —Greg Gutfeld

There are reports that the next James Bond will be a woman. Yeah. Instead of a license to kill, she'll have a license to blame you for whatever happened to her in her dreams. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

His poor mother must be spinning in all of her graves (the most important things about dreams)

“But despite having no apparent path to victory, Kevin McCarthy has said he will not back down. In an interview following his defeats, McCarthy assured reporters that there was no way he’d consider not trying to become speaker. Oh, Kevin. Let it go. Don’t you know that one of the most important things about dreams is that sometimes they die? Except for my dream where you keep losing over and over again.” —Stephen Colbert

 “New York congressman George Santos, who during his campaign lied about, and I’m rounding down here, everything. Among the things Santos lied about: where he went to high school, where he went to college, working for Goldman Sachs, owning 13 properties (he lives at his sister’s in Huntington), and that his grandparents survived the Holocaust. He also claimed his mother died in the September 11 attacks, then said she died a few years later, then admitted she died in late 2016. That is a horrible thing to lie about. His poor mother must be spinning in all of her graves.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's like they're describing my dream date with John Stamos (you told your date you were in medical school)

When you have real goals, ones you decide to act on, you're going to make some mistakes. Whether it's rescuing astronauts in space, running for public office or delivering a baby at a restaurant because you told your date you were in medical school. —Greg Gutfeld

The bottom line is the percentage of Americans who say we're on the right track is through the roof. No wonder the media is feasting on the Signal story like it's a gazelle carcass at The View. —Greg Gutfeld

What's left for them when everyone loves Trump's aims? You go after the process. Oh, it's too fast. It's too sloppy. It's like they're describing my dream date with John Stamos. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah. It was a Wednesday (other dwelling cheese's)

I perform at a lot of colleges and I always buy the shirt from the college because the quality shirts are good and they are colorful. But people get the wrong idea. I walk around with a Washington University shirt on, some guy goes, ‘Hey, Washington. Did you go there?’ I said, ‘Yeah. It was a Wednesday.’ —Mitch Hedberg

I like to sleep, but I hate to dream because dreaming takes energy. It takes work. Sleeping is supposed to be relaxing. I lay down on a bed. It feels great, but the next thing you know I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord. —Mitch Hedberg

I was at a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich but I don't think the waitress understood me because she said how would you like your eggs. So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said incubated and then raised and then beheaded and then plucked and then cut up and then put onto a grill and they put onto a bun. Damn, it’s gonna take awhile. I don’t have that kind of time. Scrambled. —Mitch Hedberg

I love cottage cheese, that's why I want to try other dwelling cheese's too. I want to try studio apartment cheese or maybe igloo cheese or if I'm feeling adventurous, mobile home cheese. —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s impossible to not think 'well, what are the specifics?' (eating a hot pocket you found on the train)

Donald Trump’s trial keeps making history. The New York-based trial is the first-ever criminal trial of an ex-president and the first time an ex-president has been found in contempt and threatened with jail time. And now it’s also the first time an ex-president has gone face to face with a porn star he had an affair with while she describes the position they were in, the silk pyjamas he was wearing and the magazine she spanked him on the ass with. 

How are they going to teach this era of history in high school? They can’t say most of the words! A frazzled gym teacher will have to cover it in sex ed. And that was keeping things “very basic”, as Judge Juan Merchan instructed Stormy Daniels to omit any “descriptions of genitalia”.

I had two different simultaneous reactions when I heard this: thank God and why not? Because when someone says ‘we’re going to talk about his genitalia, but don’t worry we won’t get into specifics,’ it’s impossible to not think ‘well, what are the specifics?’

I really don’t want to hear about Donald Trump’s weird penis, but also I kinda want him to have to hear it? Someone reading a description of your weird penis in court sounds like dream you’d have after eating a hot pocket you found on the train. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only place she did very well was among pollsters (near-zero impact)

I had the weirdest, weirdest dream last night. Remember that guy who used to host “The Apprentice”? I dreamed we elected him president. –Jimmy Kimmel

Hillary Clinton underperformed among women, African-Americans, Hispanics, and young voters. Really the only place she did very well was among pollsters. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

America Is an Oil Company with an Army (mobile home cheese)

I love cottage cheese that's why I want to try other dwelling cheese's too. I want to try studio apartment cheese or maybe igloo cheese or if I'm feeling adventurous, mobile home cheese. —Mitch Hedberg

I wish they made fajita Cologne because that stuff smells good. —Mitch Hedberg

When I was a boy I laid in my twin sized bed and wonder where my brother was. —Mitch Hedberg

I like to sleep, but I hate to dream because dreaming takes energy. It takes work. Sleeping is supposed to be relaxing. I lay down on a bed it feels great, but the next thing you know I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord. —Mitch Hedberg

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”