300-pound guys blocking things

"The Super Bowl this year will be played in Governor Chris Christie's home state of New Jersey. It's a state that lately has gotten used to 300-pound guys blocking things." –Conan O'Brien



"One congressman brought with him as his guest to the State of the Union the Duck Dynasty guy. Wild guess which party. It was Republican Congressman from Louisiana Vance McAllister. When asked why he said, swear to God, 'I wanted to bring some diversity to our nation's capital.' Yes, affirmative action for rednecks! This is what this nation needs. When will white people get a seat at the table in this country?"  –Bill Maher



"Poor Atlanta…what a thing they went through…drivers were stranded, traffic was at a standstill and everyone was asking the same question: 'What did we do to piss off Chris Christie?'" –Bill Maher

So I guess the Bush era has begun

"Both candidates are feeling the pressure. Al Gore has been testy with his staff and late today George W. Bush broke down and yelled at his parents, 'You promised!'" —Bill Maher, on the 2000 Florida recount

"There is still no winner. There is a state of confusion and not knowing in America. So I guess the Bush era has begun." —Bill Maher, on the 2000 Florida recount

"Well if you're just waking up, the election is over and we have a president, George W. Bush. This is nice, for everyone who wondered what it would be like if Dan Quayle was president, well, here you go." —David Letterman

"Dick Cheney has been on TV everywhere. He's doing press conferences, he's setting up the transition team back in Washington. What's Bush doing? Bush is relaxing on the ranch. Which guy had the heart attack?" —Jay Leno

What the day after the election is like for the candidate who loses

"They are still counting votes in Florida. They're still counting votes even though the election is no longer in doubt and the people who cast them are no longer living." –Conan O'Brien



"Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare." –Conan O'Brien



"I always wonder what the day after the election is like for the candidate who loses. You get so close to becoming the most powerful person in the world and just like that, you wake up hoping to get a call from 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jimmy Kimmel



"I'm checking for updates on the campaign's 'I'm with Mitt' app. It still works, and it lets you take photos with little messages that show your support for Mitt Romney. I tweeted this one today – 'I'm With Mitt.' Then later, 'I'm Standing With Mitt.' And eventually, 'I'm In The Fetal Position With Mitt.'" –Stephen Colbert

Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means

"Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad aimed at seniors too. It's called, 'Least we can do' — named after how much he plans on doing for seniors." –Jimmy Fallon

"New documents show that Mitt Romney's campaign is $11 million in debt. First Romney's advisers had to explain that he was running out of money. Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means." –Jimmy Fallon



"A new poll says 75 percent of Americans feel little or no personal connection to Mitt Romney. And it gets worse. The poll was of his family." –Craig Ferguson

Romney was tragically held back by being born of rich white people

"Mitt Romney said the 47 percent of people who don't pay taxes are going to vote for Obama. You know what that means? He's going to vote for Obama." –Jay Leno 

"All of these political strategists are trying to explain why Mitt Romney can't seem to get his message out. I'm no strategist but it's hard to talk with both a silver spoon and a foot in your mouth." –Jay Leno



"Mitt Romney said if he had Mexican parents, he'd have a better shot of winning. But unfortunately Romney was tragically held back by being born of rich white people." –Conan O'Brien



He first noticed there was a problem when he had difficulty inhaling a pizza

"Gov. Chris Christie was hospitalized yesterday, he had trouble breathing. He first noticed there was a problem when he had difficulty inhaling a pizza." –Bill Maher



"Christie was in the supermarket, and he felt a tightness in his chest, and then he realized he got stuck in the dairy case. He's OK. The hospital today upgraded his condition to gigantic. The doctors say he was already up and about, and taking helicopters to travel 20 feet." –Bill Maher



The store was out of 'You totally embarrassed us' signs

"Yesterday, when President Bush returned to Texas, people who were there to greet him were holding up signs that said, 'You made us so proud.' Afterwards, the people admitted that the store was out of 'You totally embarrassed us' signs." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is back in Texas, unemployed like much of the rest of America. Bush reportedly spent the day cataloging his papers, outlining his memoirs, and sketching out plans for his presidential library. Just kidding. He spent four hours seeing how many Reese's Pieces he could hold between his toes. 38, it turns out." --Jimmy Kimmel