I just checked the weather. We have maybe a 10% chance of Apocalypse (Donald Trump without the charisma)

May 2011

"Merry Apocalypse Eve. This minister says the world is going to end. I just checked the weather. We have maybe a 10% chance of Apocalypse." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's putting his career on hold to concentrate on personal matters. Either that or he's putting Korea on hold. It's hard to understand him. He told his talent agency to hold all his projects while he cleans up his personal mess. That's what happens when you impregnate your maid. There's no one to clean up messes for you." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If you don't know much about Newt Gingrich, he's like Donald Trump without the charisma." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama said Hillary Clinton is approaching one million frequent flier miles in her job as Secretary of State. Though even that can't get her upgraded to the seat she really wants." –Jimmy Fallon 

"The head of the International Monetary Fund, arrested in New York for assaulting a hotel maid, has posted the one million dollars bail in cash. Well, there goes Nigeria's mosquito net money." –Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They're thinking about Ashton Kutcher (learn to speak Chinese)

"Trump says he wants to spend more time bullying obscure celebrities. That one-man juggernaut Mike Huckabee is not running. The Republicans are really scrambling for a guy to lose to Obama." –David Letterman

"Sen. John Kerry is in Pakistan, sending a strong message to the government and the people. The message is, 'We think this is important enough to send John Kerry.'" –David Letterman

"Al Qaeda is looking for someone to replace Osama bin Laden. They're thinking about Ashton Kutcher." –David Letterman

"They wanted someone less controversial than Charlie Sheen but the head of the International Monetary Fund was busy.” –David Letterman

"The United States has hit the debt ceiling. Do you know what that means? Neither do I. I do think it would be wise for all of us to learn to speak Chinese." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's hard enough to hide porn from one wife...

"The Navy SEALs found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's bedroom. Must have been tricky. It's hard enough to hide porn from one wife." –Craig Ferguson



"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a lovechild back in 2003. To be fair, Arnold has been taking financial responsibility for the child: education, health care … everything he's taken away from every other child in California." –Craig Ferguson



"Arnold is already coming up with excuses. He said he was just auditioning to be the next head of the IMF." –Craig Ferguson



"I guess 'love child' is a nicer term than 'OK-Maria's-asleep child.' The woman was an employee. I'm not sure what she did, but I think she worked on Arnold's staff." –Craig Ferguson



Or as the French call it, room service

"The French head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested in New York for sexually assaulting a hotel maid. Or as the French call it, room service." –Jay Leno



"There's talk of a new "Mad Max" movie, where gas is so expensive people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future ... like July." –Jay Leno



"Porn Identity: Al Jizzera: Dead Man Wanking: Friday the news broke: a stash of pornography was found inside Osama bin Laden’s compound. Even before Navy SEALs shot out his eyes, bin Laden was probably going blind anyway." –Jon Stewart