"Al Qaeda is looking for someone to replace Osama bin Laden. They're thinking about Ashton Kutcher." –David Letterman
"As an American, I am relieved that Donald Trump is not running for president. But as a vulgar late night entertainer, I feel a certain amount of regret." –Craig Ferguson
"Disney is trademarking the phrase 'SEAL Team 6,' after the team that took down Osama bin Laden. Yeah, cause when they shot bin Laden, captured his wives and found his porn, I was like, 'This would make a great Disney movie.'" –Jimmy Fallon
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