I was too busy sleeping with your mom (faking it)

Michael Cohen’s lawyers argued that in exchange for his cooperation with Robert Mueller, Cohen should be spared prison for crimes he committed in an “abundance of enthusiasm for Trump.” So unlike the women he paid off for Trump, Cohen wasn’t faking it. --Stephen Colbert

On Saturday, Trump tweeted, “I had to fire General Flynn because he lied to the vice president and the FBI.” OK, here’s the thing — Trump’s not supposed to have known Flynn lied to the FBI. Because, the day after he fired Flynn, FBI Director James Comey says Trump told him to go easy on Flynn. That would be an admission to obstruction of justice. It’s like when you’re trying to get out of one lie and you accidentally tell a much worse lie. “Baby, I couldn’t have been texting with my ex last night, I was too busy sleeping with your mom.” –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And the big answer to that is, Duh (the time he got to see Dick Cheney change his tube socks)

It was sentencing day for Donald Trump’s former lawyer and former friend Michael Cohen. Michael Cohen was sentenced to three years in prison for multiple counts of tax evasion and paying Trump’s mistresses to keep them quiet during the campaign. The big question, of course, is whether Trump himself knew about and directed these illegal payments. And the big answer to that is, Duh. --Jimmy Kimmel

Time magazine has named their Person of the Year. It’s none other than President-elect Donald Trump. He is the Person of the Year. Which is a big deal because this might be one of our last years. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Future President Sarah Palin made her first appearance on Fox News yesterday—after signing a multi-year deal with the network. She was a guest on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' Sources say they have not seen Bill O'Reilly that aroused since the time he got to see Dick Cheney change his tube socks." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh? I thought you worked for Donald Trump? (sharing chocolate cake with Xi Jinping and Kid Rock)

The good news is Michael Cohen isn’t under Trump’s teeny, tiny thumb anymore, telling the court, “This may seem hard to believe, but today is one of the most meaningful days of my life. I have been living in a personal and mental incarceration ever since the fateful day that I accepted the offer to work for a real estate mogul whose business acumen that I greatly admired.”

Oh? I thought you worked for Donald Trump? Michael Cohen also said, “The irony is today is the day that I am getting my freedom back.” Actually, the irony is that while you are in prison for your crimes, the guy who ordered you to do the crimes will be at Mar-a-Lago sharing chocolate cake with Xi Jinping and Kid Rock. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

pay no attention to the man behind the bronzer (We all assume he failed everything)

Last week Michael Cohen told congress that Trump ordered him to threaten his high school to never release his grades. What could he possibly be hiding? We all assume he failed everything. --Stephen Colbert

“[imitating Trump] Please remember, it’s very important for all countries and businesses to know, nothing I say is true, pay no attention to the man behind the bronzer.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

It would be a real shame if something happened to your package (920 Pennsylvania Avenue)

Workers at the Adamson Warehouse in Staten Island voted to become the first Amazon workers in the country to form a Union. The new Union explains Amazon’s new slogan, ‘It would be a real shame if something happened to your package.’ —Colin Jost

Michael Cohen also provided congress with copies of letters he wrote on Trump’s behalf threatening his high schools and colleges not to release his SAT scores. And while Cohen did not release what those scores were, let’s just say that Trump lives closer to 920 Pennsylvania Avenue than to 1600. --Colin Jost, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We all assume he failed everything (Cupcakes and Orgasms!)

Last week Michael Cohen told congress that Trump ordered him to threaten his high school to never release his grades. What could he possibly be hiding? We all assume he failed everything. --Stephen Colbert

In a poll last year, 90% of Americans said that they thought it was important that guaranteed coverage for pre-existing conditions remains the law. That’s huge! The only thing with a higher approval rating is Tom Hanks on a unicorn throwing you a birthday party where the theme is “Cupcakes and Orgasms!” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I will never be sober again (faking it)

Michael Cohen’s lawyers argued that in exchange for his cooperation with Mueller, Cohen should be spared prison for crimes he committed in an “abundance of enthusiasm for Trump.” So unlike the women he paid off for Trump, Cohen wasn’t faking it. --Stephen Colbert

Audience, I’m worried that once they make self-driving cars, I will never be sober again. --Stephen Colbert

Word is, Trump’s pick for Attorney General, William Barr, having already been Attorney General, doesn’t feel a particular ambition for the job. But he’ll take it. An attitude we in the Biz call “The Melania.” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

it renders you as useless as a member of the royal family (he would pay women $130,000 to watch Hannity’s show)

Meghan Markle’s nephew is creating a strain of marijuana called the "Markle Sparkle." The marijuana is so strong it renders you as useless as a member of the royal family. --Conan O’Brien

It has come out today that President Trump's lawyer Michael Cohen also represents Fox News host Sean Hannity. Apparently, Cohen would pay women $130,000 to watch Hannity’s show. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I could have used seals? (Back Taxes)

As of this month, Michael Cohen reportedly now owes $280,000 to back taxes. Isn't that incredible? There's a porn star named "Back Taxes." --Conan O’Brien

In Pennsylvania, a 100-year-old woman has broken the world record for the 100-yard dash in her age group. She won with the record-setting time of "Wednesday." –Conan O’Brien

"President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have used seals?'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s nice at the end of one trial when they tease the next trial (Because he is!)

“Speaking of Donald Trump’s hush money trial, today after calling 20 witnesses over the past month, the prosecution rested their case. When he heard, Trump was like,  [imitating Trump] ‘Big deal, I’ve been resting the whole case.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Prosecutors concluded their case today. The defense is expected to rest tomorrow, and I have to say, I don’t think the defense has ever been more well rested than this one.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Today, Michael Cohen was back on the stand in Trump’s hush money trial and he admitted to stealing $30,000 from the Trump organization. It’s nice at the end of one trial when they tease the next trial.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

just leave a trail of chicken nuggets to a cliff with a sign that said ‘honey mustard below’ (4 out of 5 citizens love democracy)

Donald Trump’s lawyers grilled his former lawyer Michael Cohen. As motivation for Cohen’s vindictiveness, the defense tried to show that Cohen felt rejected by Trump, including getting him to confirm that he had a hard time securing tickets to Trump’s inauguration in January 2017. Wow, that had to sting. Because we all know there were plenty of seats available. —Stephen Colbert

Outside the courthouse on Thursday, Trump spoke to reporters to complain about the prosecution, calling the trial “a scam and it’s a sham”. Coincidentally, ‘scam’ and ‘sham’ also the Secret Service code names for Eric and Don Jr. —Stephen Colbert

Trump agreed to the terms for the debates, but Republicans are already working to undermine them. Vivek Ramaswamy, a potential Trump VP pick, tweeted: “Call me cynical, but why is Joe Biden suddenly so willing to debate? It could be because he’s desperate, or it could be because it’s a set-up.”Oh, grow up. If Biden really wanted to trap Trump, he could just leave a trail of chicken nuggets to a cliff with a sign that said ‘honey mustard below’. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it seems like the only thing we’re accomplishing is making sure that Trump is well rested before the election (I’ll wait for you!)

Donald Trump fell asleep in court for a full half-hour during Michael Cohen’s testimony on Monday. Again? You know, I was excited for this trial, but it seems like the only thing we’re accomplishing is making sure that Trump is well rested before the election. —Seth Meyers

Michael Cohen testified that Trump “wasn’t thinking” about Melania when he instructed him to pay $130,000 to Stormy Daniels for her silence. Yeah, no kidding. I’d be surprised if he was thinking about her at the wedding. —Seth Meyers

Among those who attended Trump’s trial this week was the former Republican presidential candidate and current VP hopeful Vivek Ramaswamy, though he had to be removed because he kept screaming ‘I’ll wait for you!’ —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s pretty impressive — one of Trump’s lawyers might actually win a case (These fluorescent lights are literal violence!)

By far the “weirdest” appearance at Donald Trump’s hush money trial was from the Alabama senator Tommy Tuberville, who complained about the “depressing” courtroom and said “mental anguish is trying to be pushed on the Republican candidate for president of the United States”. Mental anguish?! This dude spends every day whining about how gen Z is too woke with their safe spaces, and now he’s out here like, ‘The wallpaper is giving the president trauma. These fluorescent lights are literal violence!’ —Desi Lydic, The Daily Show

We are celebrating 10 years of hosting The Tonight Show. Ten years. It’s hard to believe, when I got the job, Joe Biden was just a fresh-faced 71-year-old. —Jimmy Fallon 

During his testimony, Michael Cohen laid out tons of evidence, including tapes, emails, photos and calendar events. It’s pretty impressive — one of Trump’s lawyers might actually win a case. — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Shhh! I’m trying to sleep (and even that is an understatement)

Donald Trump reportedly took in Michael Cohen’s testimony with his eyes shut, nearly without reaction, moving only occasionally to whisper or pass a note to his attorney. And I’m being told we have one of the notes. It read, “Shhh! I’m trying to sleep.” —Stephen Colbert

Michael Cohen also said it was Melania Trump’s idea to classify Trump’s “grab them by the pussy” comments on the infamous Access Hollywood tape as mere “locker room talk”. Well, that makes sense, because any time Trump tries to get near Melania, she lockher room. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s been a real case of deja eww (23,000 years/Yay! Sneakers!)

On Tuesday, the star witness Michael Cohen, Trump’s former lawyer and fixer, continued his testimony. According to Cohen, the former president instructed him to pay $130,000 to Stormy Daniels for her silence with the order: “Just do it.” In response, Nike has changed their slogan to ‘Yay! Sneakers!’ —Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump’s criminal hush-money trial entered its second month in New York. The last four weeks have been full of lurid, shocking sexual revelations that we learned six years ago. It’s been a real case of deja eww.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There’s really only one way to get paid by Donald Trump, and it is not worth it (please tell me this is not your VP announcement)

“During his testimony today, Michael Cohen also said that he was never paid for early legal work he did for Donald Trump. Of course not! He doesn’t pay his lawyers, he doesn’t pay his contractors. There’s really only one way to get paid by Donald Trump, and it is not worth it.” — Seth Meyers

“At this rally, Trump talked about the ‘Silence of the Lambs’ character Hannibal Lecter and said he was a ‘wonderful man.’ First of all, Hannibal Lecter isn’t real. He’s a character played by Anthony Hopkins, a wonderful man who is real. Second, the character Hannibal is not a wonderful man, he’s a cannibal who murdered a bunch of people. And third, please tell me this is not your VP announcement.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, yeah, he wrote his own vows (That’s not a market, that’s a lost-and-found bin)

“Michael Cohen testified today that former President Trump once said that he wouldn’t be single for very long if former first lady Melania Trump were to leave him. So, yeah, he wrote his own vows.” — Seth Meyers

“That’s right, Michael Cohen testified today that Trump once asked him how long he’d be single if Melania were to leave him and said, ‘How long do you think I’d be on the market for? Not long.’ On the market? You’re a 78-year-old psychopath with massive debt. That’s not a market, that’s a lost-and-found bin.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We all assume he failed everything (He was a late spurrer)

Last week Michael Cohen told congress that Trump ordered him to threaten his high school to never release his grades. What could he possibly be hiding? We all assume he failed everything. --Stephen Colbert

Yesterday, the Washington Post reported more details about how far Trump went to make sure his academic record stayed hidden. At his high school the New York Military Academy. Yes, Military. Evidently, when Trump was a teenager, his bones hadn’t spurred yet. He was a late spurrer. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, these people can barely deliver a pizza (They found it in a tomb)

Archaeologists have uncovered an elixir of immortality in a 2000 year old Chinese tomb. Though, I do have suspicions this elixir of immortality may not work. First hint? They found it in a tomb. --Stephen Colbert

Macron brought a gift for Trump, a young oak tree. And yesterday, Trump and Macron planted it on the White House lawn together. All that shoveling is great practice for when Trump has to hide Michael Cohen's body. --Stephen Colbert

One adult video website announced it would donate snow removal services to several cities in the Northeast because it wants to “plow Boston.” Very generous. Very, very generous. I’m not sure I trust the porn industry with city services. I mean, these people can barely deliver a pizza. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie (fake enthusiasm)

"Governor Chris Christie says if he's president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie." – Conan O'Brien

When French President Emmanuel Macron greeted President Trump, he kissed Trump on both cheeks. Then out of habit, Michael Cohen showed up and handed Macron $130,000. --Conan O’Brien

"Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who's not going to win." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”