I call it my daily doobie (So he’s available?)

Jacksonville Jaguars coach Gus Bradley was fired yesterday after

the team lost nine games in a row. Or as the Cleveland Browns

put it, “So he’s available?” –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that marijuana use among people over 65 has

gone up 250 percent in recent years. One woman said, "I like to

smoke up before watching 'Jeopardy!' I call it my daily doobie."

–Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What is, ‘my hand’ for 800? (at least they get new breasts out of it)

In an interview, “Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek revealed that he once tripped hard on hash brownies. Apparently, Trebek spent hours saying “What is, ‘my hand’ for 800?” –Conan O’Brien

Last night’s Astros-Dodgers World Series game took over five hours, and then L.A. lost. Usually when people from Los Angeles endure something for five hours, at least they get new breasts out of it. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

What is, start drinking at noon? (Don’t Stop Believing)

Alex Trebek is hinting that he might retire from “Jeopardy!” in 2020. When asked what he’ll do in retirement, Trebek said, “What is, start drinking at noon?” --Jimmy Fallon

I read that you can now buy a new, wine-flavored jelly. Which is a great idea until your kid’s teacher calls and says, “I dunno what happened to Billy. He ate a PB&J and keeps singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing.’” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hold my calls. This is not gonna end well (I call it my daily doobie)

"Joe Biden will assist in the 35th annual lighting of the National Menorah at the White House. When he heard that, Smokey Bear said, 'Hold my calls. This is not gonna end well.'" –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that marijuana use among people over 65 has gone up 250 percent in recent years. One woman said, "I like to smoke up before watching 'Jeopardy!' I call it my daily doobie." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm not opening that/What is start drinking at noon?/Unless you ask me two more times

"It's been a rough week for Anthony Weiner. His campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner's newest scandal. And it's tough finding a replacement because every time he emails someone, they're like, 'I'm not opening that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Alex Trebek is hinting that he might retire from “Jeopardy!” in 2020. When asked what he’ll do in retirement, Trebek said, “What is start drinking at noon?” --Jimmy Fallon

Michael Keaton said in a recent interview that it's very unlikely they'll be doing a Beetlejuice sequel. Then he said, "Unless you ask me two more times." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But don’t worry, things got a lot better here after she left (Truth is the first casualty)

April 2023

“Marjorie Taylor Greene calling New York ‘repulsive’ and ‘disgusting’ on Fox News. But don’t worry, things got a lot better here after she left.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Starbucks, has introduced a new line of olive-oil-infused coffee that has led some customers to complain of stomach issues. But don’t worry, I hear Dunkin’s new Crisco Coolatta is great. Of course, Starbucks is already taking advantage – they’re now selling a Peptoccino.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And due to a pilot shortage, some people are calling on Congress to raise the retirement age from 65 to 67. It’s not good when you’re pilot’s like, ‘We’re flying through a huge cloud – oh wait, that’s my cataracts.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“You’ll know when your pilot’s older when they say, ‘We’ll be landing in three minutes. I want to make sure I’m home before Jeopardy.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“In a related story, a pilot was able to safely land his plane after a deadly cobra slithered up his shirt. Yep, he landed the plane while his co-pilot did something even more heroic: filmed it for TikTok.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is their black magic, and it doesn't work without you (Caesar's Palace now owns Rhode Island)

March 2023

“Tonight, President Biden attended a big Democratic fundraiser in Las Vegas. Yep, not really the best timing for Biden. Yesterday, he assured us the banking system is safe, and 24 hours later, he rolled up in Vegas. He's like, ‘Putting it all on black.’ Anyway, long story short, Caesar's Palace now owns Rhode Island. So, no big deal.”  —Jimmy Fallon

“Last night, former president Trump made a campaign visit to Iowa, and he delivered a speech that lasted an hour and 45 minutes. Not only did Trump talk for almost two hours, but he actually ended his speech by taking questions from the audience. Which backfired when the first question was, ‘Can we go home now?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Did you guys see this? Pope Francis suggested that he's open to reviewing the Catholic church’s vow of celibacy for priests. That should definitely liven up the next season of The Bachelor.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Some business news -- amid a rise in shoplifting, Lowe's is using a new 400-pound, egg-shaped security robot to patrol parking lots at some of their stores. 400 pounds and egg-shaped. The robot was like, ‘Thanks. Uh, that description is a real ego boost.’ It looks like if R2-D2, a stormtrooper, and the Jeopardy! buzzer had a baby.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Most of them are still wired to pick George W. Bush (This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran)

"Watson the computer crushed its human opponents on 'Jeopardy.' This is the greatest victory of machine over man since the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jay Leno

"Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran." –Jay Leno

 

"And Democratic officials in Florida and Michigan are talking about doing a re-vote. They want people to vote again in those primaries. In fact, Florida officials have been scrambling to re-program their voting machines, because most of them are still wired to pick George Bush." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, critics are pouring over Osama bin Laden's latest audio tape. Simon called it pretentious. Paula said it was not his best work. And Randy said, 'Dog, it's just not working for me.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Suck it, Ryan Gosling! (Oklacovid!)

August 2021

“I know you want to hear me talk about the big story everybody’s talking about right now. The chaos surrounding the recent poorly handled regime change — over at ‘Jeopardy!’” —Stephen Colbert

“The game show’s search for Alex Trebek’s successor, which included tryouts by guest hosts like LeVar Burton and Katie Couric, ended last week when the executive producers of Jeopardy! selected executive producer Mike Richards. Wow, what are the odds? Exactly the same as me getting named ‘Stephen Colbert Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.’ Suck it, Ryan Gosling!” —Stephen Colbert

“But since then, crude comments about women, Jews and Haiti that Richards made on a podcast years ago have emerged. Ooh, looks like Richards’s job might be in … jeopardy!” —Stephen Colbert

“Earlier today OnlyFans announced that it’s going to block all X-rated content starting in October. Reportedly, ‘OnlyFans was struggling to find outside investors because of its adult content.’ Evidently, pornography does not live up to the high moral standards of investment bankers, unless it’s them [expletive] the economy. Then it’s fine.” —Stephen Colbert

“Now, there’s a bright side to banning shots of where the sun don’t shine, because OnlyFans says while sexually explicit material will be banned, nudity that is not sexually explicit will remain allowed. So you can only post nude images that would never turn on anyone — and, I’m sorry, I just don’t need the money that badly.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

drunker than a ship captain in the Suez Canal (You got this, right?)

March 2021

“There were a lot of questions today about immigration after Biden announced that Vice President Harris will be overseeing the challenges at the U.S.-Mexico border. It’s similar to how Trump put Pence in charge of handling the pandemic. When the going get tough, presidents are like, ‘You got this, right?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Well, guys, after 64 days in office today, President Biden held his very first press conference. Normally, when a 78-year-old answers an hour of questions, they’re getting a physical.” —Jimmy Fallon

“During his first press conference today, President Biden said, quote, ‘I got elected to solve problems.’ Um, OK, so what do you know about boats and canals then?” —Seth Meyers

“It was quite the event. If you did a shot every time Biden said, ‘Look, folks,’ you got drunker than a ship captain in the Suez Canal.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, Biden talked about the biggest issues facing his presidency — the pandemic, the economy and Dr. Oz hosting ‘Jeopardy.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

just find him guilty of the lesser charge of misdemeanor douchebaggery (That's what the Cayman Islands are for)

May 2012

"On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently it's a North Korean rocket." –Jay Leno

"Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He's renounced his U.S. citizenship because it'll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, 'That's what the Cayman Islands are for.'" –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll by the New York Times, Mitt Romney now has a small lead over President Obama. Which proves once and for all that money can’t buy you happiness, but it comes in handy when you’re running for president, doesn’t it?" –Jay Leno

"The defense has rested in the John Edwards trial. The jury can now find Edwards guilty of misusing campaign funds, which is a felony, or just find him guilty of the lesser charge of misdemeanor douchebaggery." –Jay Leno

"Our good friend Chris Matthews on MSNBC was on 'Jeopardy' the other day and get got his butt killed. He was so embarrassed. The good news? He got so many facts wrong today he was offered a job at Fox News." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Isn't that like beating Sarah Palin on Jeopardy? (Once again surrounded by seals)

"Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic. Once again surrounded by seals." –Jay Leno

"The White House is releasing more information on the details of that attack on Osama bin Laden. They said the helicopters were able to fly in undetected because it was 1:00 a.m. and the Pakistan air traffic controller was sound asleep." –Jay Leno

"They said bin Laden's wife tried to shield bin Laden with her body. And today Moammar Gadhafi said to his wife, 'Hey honey, did you see what bin Laden's wife Susan did? It was pretty cool, don't you think honey?'" –Jay Leno

"Cinco de Mayo celebrates Mexico defeating the French. Isn't that like beating Sarah Palin on 'Jeopardy'?" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I guess they figured Bill Clinton wasn't using it anymore (Now you tell me)

"Experts say that what happened in Egypt proves that countries in the Middle East can move toward democracy without the U.S. invading them. George W. Bush said, 'Now you tell me.'" –Jay Leno

"Watson the computer crushed its human opponents on 'Jeopardy.' This is the greatest victory of machine over man since the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jay Leno

"Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran." –Jay Leno

"After a three-year run, Hooters Airlines announced it's calling it quits, closing its doors. Today,  President Clinton said, 'This means the terrorists have won.'" --Jay Leno

"And today, the Secret Service revealed that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Now, here's my question. What's the secret part? I mean, if the Secret Service is going to give you a Secret Service code name, shouldn't they keep it a secret? I mean, why don't they just call her Sarah?" They also revealed that Sarah's husband, Todd, who works in the oil field. Well, his Secret Service codename is 'Driller.' I guess they figured Bill Clinton wasn't using it anymore." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Which answers the question what's the only job worse than disposing of nuclear waste (Who's my b*tch?)

Ken Jennings became the first person ever to win 1 million dollars on Jeopardy. He’s like a machine. You can tell that he's getting cocky because whenever he hears the name Alex Trebek he answers, “Who's my bitch?” --Conan O’Brien 7/14/2004

Barry Bonds was accidentally hit in the head with a baseball. Then afterwards Bonds said, “That's the second most painful shot I've had all day.” --Conan O’Brien 5/4/2006

According to MSNBC Britney Spears recently hired a person to keep an eye on Kevin Federline 24 hours a day. Which answers the question what's the only job worse than disposing of nuclear waste. --Conan O’Brien 5/4/2006

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I guess it was a good decision to increase his allowance (we'll get it in through the backdoor)

It's been reported that Ashton Kutcher has given Demi Moore an emerald and diamond bracelet worth $300,000. Afterwards Demi Moore said, “I guess it was a good decision to increase his allowance.” --Conan O’Brien 3/31/2005

This is an interesting statistic. 56% of women say they are more affectionate with their pets than they are with their partners. Which explains why Paris Hilton's dog has to get so many shots. --Conan O’Brien 3/31/2005

Earlier today Republicans in the Senate failed to get enough votes to pass an amendment banning gay marriage. Afterwards Republicans said we're not giving up. If we can't Ram it down their throats we'll get it in through the backdoor. --Conan O’Brien 7/14/2004

Ken Jennings became the first person ever to win 1 million dollars on Jeopardy. He’s like a machine. You can tell that he's getting cocky because whenever he hears the name Alex Trebek he answers, “Who's my bitch?” --Conan O’Brien 7/14/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Even Trump was like, “Why can’t this guy think before he speaks?” (What is start drinking at noon?)

The new “Mission: Impossible” won the box office this weekend, bringing in over $60 million. They’ve already come up with the plot for the next “Mission: Impossible” — getting Rudy Giuliani to stop talking. --Jimmy Fallon

Giuliani has been doing lots of interviews trying to defend President Trump with the Russia investigation. Today he said that collusion isn’t illegal. Even Trump was like, “Why can’t this guy think before he speaks?” --Jimmy Fallon

Alex Trebek is hinting that he might retire from “Jeopardy!” in 2020. When asked what he’ll do in retirement, Trebek said, “What is start drinking at noon?” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This is what Jesus would have done (They now claim it was just a hunting accident)

"As you know, it dropped 416 points yesterday. But enough about President Bush's approval rating." --Jay Leno, on the Dow

"Vice President Dick Cheney is safely back in Washington after an attempt was made on his life in Afghanistan. The Taliban denied they were trying to kill the vice president. They now claim it was just a hunting accident." --Jay Leno

"A state senator in Florida wants to ban the term 'illegal alien' because she finds it offensive. She wants to replace it with something more sensitive, like 'Mexican explorer.'" --Jay Leno

"Last night on Fox, huge premiere of its new show 'Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader.' Or, as President Bush calls it, 'Jeopardy.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Bush-Cheney Record (hash brownies)

 A gambler won $14 million on last night’s World Series game. Here’s what’s suspicious — turns out it was some guy named Yu Darvish. –Conan O’Brien

Amazon has unveiled a new way to view its products in 3-D. Amazon is calling its new invention “a store.” –Conan O’Brien

In an interview, “Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek revealed that he once tripped hard on hash brownies. Apparently, Trebek spent hours saying “What is, ‘my hand’ for 800?” –Conan O’Brien

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I think that’s a great lesson for kids -- always clean up your own mess (Bucket List)

"While she was addressing the crowd, Sarah Palin spent a lot of time criticizing Barack Obama’s campaign speeches for not having enough specifics. Obama was reportedly angry about the claim, but didn’t say exactly why." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, the Mayor of Detroit agreed to plead guilty to obstruction of justice charges. Yeah, as punishment, he will be required to serve out his full term as Mayor of Detroit." --Conan O'Brien

"One of the big themes for convention speakers was that we need to elect a Republican that will go in and clean up the mess in Washington. I think that’s a great lesson for kids -- always clean up your own mess." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535