Apparently we're not ready for that! (Obi-Wan Where Am I?)

So Joe Biden’s the man. That's right the fate of the earth rests on Joe Biden. The forces of light will be represented by Mr. Joe Biden. Or as the Jedi call him, Obi-Wan Where Am I? —Bill Maher

Joe Biden keeps doing these updates from his basement. It’s not encouraging. One was just him down there for 45 seconds going what did I come down her for? —Bill Maher

Meanwhile Trump of course does these daily briefings for like 90 minutes and I got to give it to this guy. He will stay up there until it is clear that he has absolutely no idea what he's talking about. He's like the toddler in the car with the plastic steering wheel who thinks he’s driving. —Bill Maher

The Health Department says they strongly recommend masturbation instead of actual sex. We're not just gonna flatten the curve, we’re gonna spank it. —Bill Maher

We want to give good wishes to Boris Johnson. He is one of the people who we know has the coronavirus. But he’s out of the ICU and he’s better there in Great Britain. But until he returns to work Great Britain is without a leader. Join the club! —Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Let me put your popularity into context for you... (there is now a new low in what passes for a sex scandal)

"We don't even need Sarah Palin for comedy in this presidential election because yesterday Newt Gingrich got fired by his own campaign. Did you see this? His entire staff quite en masse because they had a little disagreement about strategy. You see, Newt entered the race three weeks ago, and then his staff got mad at him because he spent the last two weeks campaigning in the wrong country. The last two weeks he's been on a yacht touring the Greek Island, stopping only at Tiffany's on his mission to warn America that Obama is an elitist." –Bill Maher

"Thanks to you, Congressman Weiner, there is now a new low in what passes for a sex scandal. JFK got Marilyn Monroe. John Edwards got a love child. You got mail." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Newt Gingrich, just stop. Seriously, your campaign isn’t just off to a rocky start; it’s like you hired me to run it and I purposely ran it into the ground. Let me put your popularity into context for you. You are a Republican and you’re polling behind a black man (Herman Cain)." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

There is something wrong with this banana (you know the thing)

“Yes, Joe Biden is very much alive, which isn’t something candidates usually need to remind people, but that’s still OK. It’s a great campaign slogan. Just take it, man, take it.” —Trevor Noah

“Just in the past 24 hours, Joe has gaffed everything from the name of a TV anchor he was talking to to the Declaration of Independence. And the name thing on its own is bad because interviews are sort of like sex: It doesn’t matter how well it goes, if you call the person the wrong thing at the end, the whole thing is ruined.” —Trevor Noah

“I could do better than that, and I’m from the country you declared independence from.” —James Corden, on Biden forgetting part of the Declaration of Independence at a rally

“Guess those truths aren’t as self-evident as he thought. [Imitating Biden] A great man, John F. Kennerby once said, ‘Four score and seven and, we pledge allegiance to the folks, because in space no one can hear you scream, yabba dabba doo, where’s the beef — you know the thing.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

so he can skip the last three months of his presidency (America’s greatest literary dynasty)

"President Bush celebrated Cinco de Mayo a day early today. He would normally do it tomorrow, but Friday is his day off." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is beating the August heat the same way he always does -- with a vacation on his ranch in Texas. He got there yesterday. This will be his shortest vacation since he's taken office. Usually he takes a full month, this time around because of the wars and everything, only ten days. I guess he's saving up the personal days so he can skip the last three months of his presidency." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I’m surprised Donald Trump isn’t investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin has written two books, her daughter Bristol has a book coming out – and now Levi Johnston is writing one too. Who would’ve ever guessed that America’s greatest literary dynasty would come out of an igloo?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Levi and the publisher already have a title worked out for the book. It’s called 'I Need Money' by Levi Johnston.” –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

JFK Explains Why US Needs Med4All In 1962 — The Political Vigilante

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he tweeted it from the Abraham Lincoln room in the John F. Kennedy Library (It's sad in America...)

“Some of the transcript is a little hard to follow because Zelensky’s English isn’t very good and, well, Trump’s is even worse.” --James Corden

“It actually would have been better for Trump if the whole transcript had just said ‘unintelligible.’” --Seth Meyers

“Following House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s announcement of impeachment proceedings against President Trump, Trump tweeted this morning that there is, ‘no president in the history of our country who has been treated so badly as I have.’ Even more amazing, he tweeted it from the Abraham Lincoln room in the John F. Kennedy Library.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Apparently we're not ready for that! (tag a porn star)

Donald Trump, “Now is the time for congress to show the world that America is committed to ending illegal immigration and putting the ruthless coyotes, cartels, drug dealers, and human traffickers out of business. Stephen Colbert, “And no one knows how to put something out of business like Donald Trump.” --Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump, “I am also proud to be the first president to include in my budget a plan for nationwide paid family leave so that every new parent has the chance to bond with their newborn child.” Colbert as Trump, “Because, you know, some people are too busy to bond with their wife and newborn child. Instead, they’re forced to go to a vodka launch party and tag a porn star. I’m sorry. Not on my watch! I’m sorry. I meant to say not while anyone is watching me.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The viral marketing for Game of Thrones has gone too far! (Winter is Coming!)

This story got our attention. A woman in Scotland was recently prescribed an eye cream, and she went home and used it before realizing that she had mistakenly been given erectile dysfunction cream. They mixed up the medications. Which means, somewhere, there’s a man out there wondering why he can see so clearly out of his penis. --James Corden

Windchill temperatures are expected to reach minus 50 in Chicago and minus 60 in Minneapolis. I’m going to say it. The viral marketing for Game of Thrones has gone too far! We get it! Winter is Coming! --Stephen Colbert

Speaking of things that Trump hopes aren’t real: The Mueller investigation. Trump confidant Roger Stone has been indicted on seven charges, and today he pled not guilty to all of them. So he claims to be innocent, but his Richard Nixon back tattoo begs to differ. --Stephen Colbert

Great news. Scientists are working on a pill for loneliness. We already have one. It’s called Cinnabon. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What did she have to do for the extra $50,000? (Do I look like a guy who needs hookers?)

But before all this got out, Trump’s campaign tried to keep Omarosa quiet by offering her $180,000 in hush money. When Stormy Daniels heard that, she was like, “Oh, my God. What did she have to do for the extra $50,000?” --Jimmy Fallon

The president’s been keeping busy. On Friday night, he had dinner with the CEO of Apple, Tim Cook. And this is nice — Trump even picked up the check. But then he ate it. --Jimmy Fallon

An 11-year-old boy in Florida was able to hack into a state elections website and change results in under 10 minutes. So get ready to meet Florida’s next governor, Fortnite McDeadpool. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I can take the class out of anything ($150 fork)

A Japanese company created a $150 noise-canceling ramen fork to cover up slurping noises. So, if you’ve got 150 bucks to spend on a fork — why are you eating ramen? –Jimmy Fallon

President Trump had the JFK files declassified. Trump said, “I can take the class out of anything.” –Conan O’Brien

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

The real killer is not Lee Harvey Oswald (I'm Hush-Hushin')

President Trump is planning to release a treasure trove, thousands of classified documents connected to the assassination of John F. Kennedy. This is of intense interest to historians and conspiracy theorists. This is a bombshell. The real killer is not Lee Harvey Oswald. It was a 16-year-old Hillary Clinton. Isn’t that something? –Jimmy Kimmel

The White House released a statement saying the president believes the documents should be made available in the interest of full transparency. His tax returns, however, will remain secret forever, no matter what. –Jimmy Kimmel

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Spoiler alert: Apparently Hillary did it (other sex addicts thought Weinstein was too creepy)

Donald Trump announced that he will release over 3,000 classified files relating to the Kennedy assassination. Spoiler alert: Apparently Hillary did it. –Conan O’Brien

Harvey Weinstein just finished a week-long stay at a rehab clinic for sex addiction. Apparently he would’ve have stayed longer, but all the other sex addicts thought Weinstein was too creepy. –Conan O’Brien

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I double-dog dare you to push the button/tense nuclear standoff/insult humor

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was in the middle of tense negotiations about North Korea and their nuclear program, when Trump tweeted that Tillerson was "Wasting his time trying to negotiate with little rocket man." Everybody knows there is no better way to defuse a tense nuclear standoff than with insult humor. –Stephen Colbert

Who can forget during the Cuban Missile Crisis when Kennedy tweeted, "Cueball @Khrushchev and Lil' Beardy don't have the [guts]. I double-dog dare you to push the button." –Stephen Colbert

Today in an interview with Forbes, Trump defended his actions towards Tillerson, saying, "He was wasting his time. I'm not undermining. I think I'm actually strengthening authority." Yes, I'm not burning your house down. I'm lowering your heating bills. –Stephen Colbert

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Ask what you and your country can do for me! (Talk to my lawyer)

And with the Russia investigation getting bigger, I read that Trump’s lawyer has now hired his own lawyer. When asked if he feels good about the case, Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer said, “Talk to my lawyer.” –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, the U.S. experienced a series of internet outages. Things got so bad we momentarily surpassed China in productivity. –Conan O’Brien

A new study just came out and it found that after a few months of Donald Trump, most Americans now have a favorable view of President George W. Bush. When reached for comment, the ghost of Richard Nixon said, “Here I come, baby.” –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

I like to imagine Trump found out about this just as Sean Spicer was handing him his birthday present

Vladimir Putin didn’t show up but he, you know, gave Trump his present back in November. –Jimmy Kimmel

There’s a major report from the Washington Post just a couple of hours ago. It says that the special counsel led by Robert Mueller is now officially looking into whether President Trump attempted to obstruct justice in his dealings with James Comey. As far as presidential birthday presents go, not exactly Marilyn Monroe singing to JFK. But I like to imagine Trump found out about this just as Sean Spicer was handing him his birthday present. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

they were getting the crap hoped out of them (F for Fantastic)

"But there is some good news, nation. The Democrats are killing themselves. This week, on the liberal website Daily Kos, a civil war has broken out. Clinton bloggers are protesting what they feel is an abusively pro-Obama environment. Apparently, they were getting the crap hoped out of them. I read all 1,258 angry comments. 

Folks, I love when Democrats spend all their time in anonymous Internet feuds, anything to keep them off the 'Casual Encounters' section on Craigslist. Meanwhile, Barack Obama was on the defensive over his ties to controversial Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Yesterday, he responded with a speech on race. Press reaction to the speech was mixed. 

The New York Times compared it to addresses by Lincoln, FDR and Kennedy, and called it 'powerful' and 'frank.' While the Los Angeles Times compared it to speeches by Lincoln, FDR and Kennedy, but called it 'remarkable' and 'historic.' Oh, but every time I give a speech about how angry black people are, they call me a racist." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

O'Reilly's next book, “Killing Time at Home.” (Blood, Debt, Fears)

In addition to being cable’s top rated host, O’Reilly has written a number of best-selling books including “Killing Lincoln,” “Killing Reagan,” and “Killing Kennedy.” And I really look forward to his next book, “Killing Time at Home.” –James Corden

A packet of McDonald’s discontinued Szechuan sauce from 1998 just sold on eBay for nearly $15,000. This has created such a buzz, the bidding got so high, that McDonald’s is thinking of bringing the Szechuan sauce back. To which the guy who just spent 15 grand said “Wait, you’re going to what now?” –James Corden

The nation’s first drive-through marijuana dispensary is opening tomorrow in Colorado. Also, down the street will be the world’s most successful DUI checkpoint. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country clubs!

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has apologized for his Hitler comments and admitted he "screwed up." I don’t think Spicer learned his lesson though, because he then said, "Even Hitler didn’t screw up as badly as I did." –Conan O’Brien

They’re having trouble organizing Easter at the White House this year. Instead of an A-list musician, there will be a military band. And instead of eggs, there’s going to be golf balls and instead of children there will be old white guys. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

Future generations: I’m so, so sorry (impeachment evidence)

I heard that the White House is saving all of President Trump’s tweets, so they can be stored in the National Archives. That way future generations can read Kennedy’s journals, Lincoln’s diaries, and Trump’s insults about Arnold Schwarzenegger. –Jimmy Fallon

This week, the National Archives reached out to the White House and requested that all of the president’s tweets be saved and preserved for history. Future generations: I’m so, so sorry. –James Corden

These tweets will be saved for “historical value.” And they’ll be filed under “impeachment evidence.” –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

Did you know that 150 is the new 130? (Laughter is the best medicine)

"Hillary's speeches may not be exciting, but, by God, every tired, cliched, coma-inducing word is original. Except that they're not, that's the thing. You know, politicians, they all steal. In her closing statement, she ripped off something that Bill Clinton used to say, and he got it from Kennedy, who got it from FDR, who got it from Lincoln, who got it from McCain. He's old." --Bill Maher

"The New York Times printed a story that said in John McCain's last campaign in 2000, he was apparently acting so sprung on a lobbyist lady that his staff had to c---block the senior citizen from Arizona from sweeping this chick right off her feet and onto his motorized shopping cart. John McCain's pick-up line is, 'Did you know that 150 is the new 130?'" --Bill Maher

"But I know what you're thinking, a Republican politician ... with a woman?" --Bill Maher

"Come on, what girl could resist? An old guy with anger problems and a bus." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html