Man, if the Justice Department still existed, you’d be in so much trouble (She left a paper trail about not leaving a paper trail)

An article in The Wall Street Journal reported that Kimberly Guilfoyle, the U.S. ambassador to Greece, had asked a political donor to pay off a $100,000 credit card bill. Man, if the Justice Department still existed, you’d be in so much trouble. — Michael Kosta

“Wow, that was not subtle. Usually it’s, ‘Meet me in the parking lot with a suitcase full of bills.’ But Guilfoyle was like, ‘Here is a PDF with instructions for how to send me a bribe.’” — Michael Kosta

“And damn, a $100,000 credit card bill? Now her current job makes sense: ‘Hmm, we need a new ambassador who really understands Greece. Kimberly, you’re deep in debt. You’d be perfect!’” — Michael Kosta

“Whoa, real criminal mastermind we got here. She left a paper trail about not leaving a paper trail. Didn’t help that she named the group chat ‘Paper Trail (Crimes).’” — Michael Kosta

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And you should listen to him, because if anyone knows about bad ratings, it’s that guy (they could release them into the sea)

“Donald Trump hasn’t been this nervous about signing something since Don Junior’s birth certificate.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s also sweet that, even in the middle of the biggest sex scandal in the history of the American presidency, he takes precious time on the toilet to post about our show. Keeps saying we have bad ratings. And you should listen to him, because if anyone knows about bad ratings, it’s that guy.” — Jimmy Kimmel, before showing a montage of news clips about Trump’s falling poll numbers

“President Trump signed a bill into law last night that orders the Justice Department to release the Epstein files, and the legislation includes several loopholes. For example, they could release them into the sea.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them (Plus, he’s the state fruit)

According to a report released by the Justice Department's internal watchdog, former FBI director James Comey used a personal Gmail account on numerous occasions to conduct FBI business. And when she heard that, Hillary Clinton punched a wall so hard the building collapsed. --Seth Meyers

Major league baseball has announced that they will allow players to wear nicknames on their jerseys for one weekend this season. Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them. –Seth Meyers

President Trump will speak in Miami tomorrow. He’ll be comfortable, because he still has strong support in Florida. Plus, he’s the state fruit. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, it's the first recall that made people go out and buy more (There's meat inside Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?)

March 2023

“Hey, did you guys see this? Today, the Justice Department filed a lawsuit to block JetBlue's merger with Spirit Airlines. It's actually positive news because lately, when we hear about JetBlue merging with another airline, it's on the runway.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Some business news -- I read that Hershey’s is launching a vegan Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. I think the bigger story here is, there's meat inside Reese's Peanut Butter Cup? What the hell is going on?” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, a popular beer in Australia is being recalled because it was found to have too much alcohol. Yeah, it's the first recall that made people go out and buy more.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's no easy way to tell you this, but we found more classified documents (Where my beaches at?)

January 2023

“Today, in a planned, consensual search with the Justice Department, they went through President Biden’s Rehoboth beach house, and no classified marked documents were found. They didn't find any documents at Biden's beach house, but even more embarrassing, they found a sign that said, ‘Where my beaches at?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of Biden, today the White House announced that he will get his annual physical on February 16th. It's gonna be crazy after Biden's colonoscopy when the doctor says, ‘There's no easy way to tell you this, but we found more classified documents.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Beyoncé announced the Renaissance World Tour. Beyoncé made the announcement around 9:00 a.m. Yep, she basically gave Tom Brady an hour to trend on Twitter, then, she was like, ‘This is mine now.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Everyone in the family’s going to be there! (Red Wedding)

July 2022

“The Justice Department, as part of its January 6th investigation, is looking into information about former President Donald Trump’s potential crimes in attempting to overturn the 2020 election. ‘Potential’ fraud? It’s the ‘false-electors scheme’! You don’t call something a ‘scheme’ and ‘false’ if it’s on the level. No one’s ever said, ‘Barbara, I accept this ring, and I promise to love you forever, as part of my false marriage scheme.’” —Stephen Colbert

“It is about damn time. At this point, the investigators are like the last person at the office to catch on to a popular TV show: ‘So get this, guys — there are dragons, but they hardly ever show them. There’s lots of nudity. I’m really looking forward to the Red Wedding episode. I’m so happy for Robb Stark. He deserves all the love. Everyone in the family’s going to be there!’” —Stephen Colbert

“I am potentially very excited, because all of this is potentially huge, because no former president has ever been charged with a crime in the country’s history. So what? Before John Wayne Gacy, no one ever executed a birthday clown.” —Stephen Colbert

“Yeah, another investigation, and I don’t know, guys, at this point, I feel like the Justice Department is just going to have to dedicate an entire division to Trump, you know? Just give him his own one. You know, like they’ll have national security division, the civil rights division and the ‘What the hell did Donald Trump do now’ division?” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In a relationship, a man must be flexible (brand new subatomic particles)

"Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can't get her states right." –Jay Leno

"This is kind of disturbing. The Justice Department has concluded that the president can order drone strikes on American citizens. And today, Rush Limbaugh came out in favor of Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it's actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news is, the average age a person has to work to before they can retire is now 78.3 years." –Jay Leno

"The Broncos in the Super Bowl couldn't move the ball. The last time I saw a Bronco going that slow, OJ was driving it through L.A." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it sounds like a sports movie starring Al Pacino as a past his prime football coach (No Trickle)

October 2021

“Donald Trump reportedly pressured Mike Pence to help overturn the result by calling him a wimp and a bad friend. Trump used the same tactic as a 14-year-old trying to convince his friend to steal a KitKat from a convenience store.” —Seth Meyers

“But that’s how close we came. Trump tried every avenue he could think of: the courts, the states, the vice president, the Justice Department. He’s like the guy in gridlock traffic who keeps switching lanes, and then throws his hands up when it doesn’t work.” —Seth Meyers

“Mike Pence too has now relented on earlier unease over what happened and has off-handedly referred to the insurrection as ‘one day in January’. One Day in January makes it sound like a sports movie starring Al Pacino as a past his prime football coach.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

it's the guy who smoked bales of it, and then became leader of the free world (Proudly Serving Whatever You Bring)

May 2013

"The lights are a little dimmer in Crazytown tonight. In the struggle between reality and Michele Bachmann, reality has won. Flags are being flown at half mast at the Laugh Factory. Michele Bachmann is out. Still no word on her husband Marcus." –Bill Maher

"Michele Bachmann said it was a very tough decision, but after a lengthy discussion with her husband, her staff her constituents, and with the little ballerina that twirls around on the top of her jewelry box, she wanted to spend more time as Carrie's mom. And also, she has a new job lined up. She's the before-picture in a tranquilizer ad." –Bill Maher

"Someone again sent the deadly poison Ricin to President Obama through the mail. These dumbasses, do they really think Obama opens his own mail? He doesn’t' even know what the IRS and the Justice Departments are doing." –Bill Maher

"A simple pot conviction can foreclose on opportunities to vote, get a job, go to college, or qualify for housing. How can our first black President, and our first pothead President, be aware of that, and just look the other way? If anyone can say smoking pot won't ruin your life, it's the guy who smoked bales of it, and then became leader of the free world." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Stories that have been chosen to manipulate your emotions and thinking (his mom didn't want to be photographed)

May 2013

"Time magazine found a picture of President Obama at his high school prom back in 1979. Let me tell you how long ago that was. Back then, Obama had to ask a girl for her phone number. He couldn't illegally obtain it through the Justice Department." –Jay Leno

"The latest scandal in Washington, of course, is raising questions about the IRS. You know, I have a question. Why is it called the Internal Revenue Service? How is having your money confiscated a service?" –Jay Leno

"Time magazine just released a picture of a 17-year-old President Obama with his prom date. They would've published a picture of Joe Biden with his prom date, but his mom didn't want to be photographed." –Jimmy Fallon 

"A woman in New Jersey just found her missing dog after she grilled pork in her backyard and he came home because of the smell. Unfortunately, he was immediately shoved out of the way by Governor Chris Christie." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Operation wink, nod, and look the other way (So at least somebody is doing well in this economy)

May 2012

"President Obama released his financial disclosure statement today. It turns out he is now worth over $10 million. So at least somebody is doing well in this economy." –Jay Leno

"The Justice Department has launched a probe into JPMorgan's $2.3 billion loss. I believe it's called 'Operation wink, nod, and look the other way.'" –Jay Leno 

"President Obama is calling for more government reform after JPMorgan's $2 billion loss. Really, is that what we need — the government stepping in? You know what's going to happen? The government's going to teach them how to lose $2 billion a DAY!" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

your biggest accomplishment is most family members pardoned (he accidentally glanced at a picture of Kate Upton)

December 2020

“It’s not a great look for your presidency when your biggest accomplishment is ‘most family members pardoned.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“It’s pretty crazy, the last person who needed pardons for their whole family was Charles Manson.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Some families get each other sweaters for Christmas, the Trumps get pardons.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, Trump said he wants to focus on taking care of his loved ones, those closest to him, and Eric.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, Mike Pence is also asking for a pardon, for the time he accidentally glanced at a picture of Kate Upton.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Usually presidents grant pardons after they’ve been vetted very carefully by the Justice Department. Trump is shooting them out of a T-shirt cannon right now.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only difference between this and a banana republic is that Trump does not eat fruit (Hey, go easy on my cronies)

“Sometimes you feel like Donald Trump is corrupting all of the democratic institutions that we hold dear. Well, I’ve got some good news for you: you’re not crazy to feel that way. The latest example was Trump crony and man voted Best Dressed at Nuremberg, Roger Stone, who was convicted of seven felonies last year and recommended by federal prosecutors for a prison sentence of seven to nine years. But even that lighter sentence did not sit well with Stone’s old pal Donald Trump. By some impossible coincidence – how it could it be?! – it was then announced that the justice department will take the extraordinary step of lowering the recommended prison time for Roger Stone. So Donald Trump and his attorney general are using the justice department to go easy on his cronies. The only difference between this and a banana republic is that Trump does not eat fruit.” —Stephen Colbert

“As a protest against Trump’s carriage of misjustice, all four of Roger Stone’s prosecutors resigned. That’s right, they all walked. It must not have been easy for them to find the exits, since Bill Barr has relocated the Department of Justice up Trump’s ass.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Have you seen that chick Jared’s with? Exactly my type (That’s like Nicolas Cage turning down a movie role)

“Bill Barr refused to publicly defend the president? Something is seriously wrong.
That’s like Nicolas Cage turning down a movie role.” --Stephen Colbert

“In a series of rage tweets this morning, he wrote ‘A fake Washington Post con
job.’ ‘Totally untrue and just another fake news story,’ ‘lowlife reporters,’ ‘pure
fiction’ from a ‘garbage newspaper.’ He said this ‘never happened’ and there
were ‘no sources,’ which means it definitely happened and there are multiple
sources.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course, there’s only one way to make sure a story about Trump is true, and that’s if he rage-tweets his denial: ‘Bill Barr did not decline my request to talk about Ukraine. The story was a fake Washington Post con job with an ‘anonymous’ source that doesn’t exist. Just read the transcript. The Justice Department already ruled that the call was good. We don’t have freedom of the press!’ I’m not sure what to make of that last sentence. Is that a complaint or is that a new executive order? [imitating Trump] ‘We don’t have freedom of the press. Write that down. While we’re at it, we’re also getting rid of that one where we can’t covet other people’s wives. Have you seen that chick Jared’s with? Exactly my type.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Donald J. Trump Victim Card (I know this because I write weather fan fiction)

“President Trump faced international criticism this weekend after he was seen playing golf instead of staying in the office to monitor the progress of Hurricane Dorian, though, honestly, would that be better? Making Trump monitor the hurricane would be like making your 4-year-old do the dishes. After about five minutes, you’d be like, ‘You know what, Tyler? Just go out and play.’” --Seth Meyers

“So I know people get mad when they see Trump playing golf when a hurricane is closing in, but after what we’ve heard, I think the less Trump is involved with this hurricane, the better it is. He doesn’t know how big it is, doesn’t know where it’s going and has bat**** ideas about how to stop it, so let him play his golf because if we don’t there’s a good chance Trump ends up nuking Alabama.” --Trevor Noah

“Trump had to be corrected by the National Weather Service! And I know we’re used to it by now, but it still amazes me how often the government has to tell you not to pay attention to the president.” --Trevor Noah

“[As Trump] O.K., I’m not wrong. Because at one point, I was right. Under certain scenarios, it could have hit Alabama. I know this because I write weather fan fiction.” --Stephen Colbert

“We’re like a week away from the Justice Department tweeting, ‘Contrary to the president’s tweet, the Joker is not a threat. He’s a character in a movie played by Joaquin Phoenix. There is no evacuation of Gotham underway, nor is Gotham a real place.’” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Good luck rehabbing that thing Lucifer (Guess who will pay it back?)

Donald Trump is not playing he said it again today that he does not want an America of low-skilled immigrants and Melania said, “Fuck you too.” --Bill Maher

The European Union today threatened to impose tariffs on $20 billion worth of imported U.S. goods, including ketchup, fish, and tractors, which coincidentally is also the title of Kid Rock's new album. --Seth Meyers

The Mueller Report was originally supposed to be released on Tuesday, but the Justice Department delayed it without explanation. I have a feeling that they are hoping to bury it over the holiday weekend. Because if there’s one thing Easter is famous for, it’s things staying buried. --Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert as Donald Trump, “I only have one deal in life and that’s with the devil. I got the presidency. He got my soul. What a sucker. Good luck rehabbing that thing Lucifer.  Complete teardown. Built on swampland.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It’s like we’ve been watching a porno for two years, and they’re still ordering the pizza (for a Better Wang!)

A Justice Department official announced that he anticipates that the Mueller Report will go on a little longer. A little longer? We’ve been anticipating a long time.  It’s like we’ve been watching a porno for two years, and they’re still ordering the pizza. --Stephen Colbert

Presidential candidate Andrew Yang has come out against infant circumcision. I can see the yard signs now: “Andrew Yang for a Better Wang!” --Stephen Colbert

A woman in Upstate New York just gave birth to a healthy baby girl that weighs 15 pounds. When you give that baby a bottle, she just unscrews the top and chugs it. The mother said she felt like she was, "hit by two tractor trailers simultaneously." While the baby said, "It was no picnic for me either, Candace." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

but he told his vet that he’s 1/16th Apachedoodle (Neoliberalism 101)

Elizabeth Warren is fighting back on the campaign trail using her new secret weapon, the Golden Retriever she got in July, Bailey. In fact, according to Politico, Bailey has quickly emerged as the senator’s top surrogate. He’s got a lot in common with senator Warren. His papers say Golden Retriever, but he told his vet that he’s 1/16th Apachedoodle. --Stephen Colbert

Do you think Donald Trump ever regrets winning the presidency? Not as much as we do, but just a little? --Stephen Colbert

Yesterday the House Judiciary Committee sent letters demanding information from over 80 people and institutions connected to Trump, including the White House, the Justice Department, senior campaign officials, Trump Organization officials, and the president’s sons. Eric was so excited to get mail. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”