Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money? (Or, as the rest of the world calls it, a job)

On Tuesday, David Pecker, the former publisher of the National Enquirer, testified that to help Trump in the 2016 election, he would buy scandalous stories about him and bury them. And what a great job he did. I can’t think of a single Trump scandal. —Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

Attorneys representing former President Donald Trump argued that he did not violate his gag order during Tuesday’s hearing in his criminal trial. This guy is incapable of keeping his mouth shut for two minutes. Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money? —Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

On his way out of the courthouse, Trump stopped to tell reporters how uncomfortably cold it is in the room and how very unhappy he is to be there. Eight hours a day, four days a week — it’s literally torture. Or, as the rest of the world calls it, a job. —Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One day he’ll be sitting in the electric chair bragging about all the people who showed up to watch (Donald Trump and Bigfoot)

The ex-president seems to be less popular each day, and he cannot deal with it. Only a few supporters rallied outside the courthouse in Manhattan. Trump had been encouraging his fans to rally outside the courthouse, and is unhappy with the muted scene. While you would think Donald Trump wouldn’t be able to lie about the size of a crowd that wasn’t there, think again. On Truth Social, Trump falsely claimed that “thousands of people were turned away from the Courthouse.” Trump is drawing the biggest crowds of any president criminally indicted for having sex with a porn star in history. All Trump cares about is crowd size. One day he’ll be sitting in the electric chair bragging about all the people who showed up to watch it. —Jimmy Kimmel

The only witness on Tuesday was David Pecker, Trump’s friend and former publisher of the National Enquirer, who described a “mutually beneficial relationship” between the tabloid and Trump. It’s weird, the only faithful relationship Trump’s ever been in is with the National Enquirer. Think about how insane it is that our president had a mutually beneficial relationship with the National Enquirer. There are only two people on the planet who can say that: Donald Trump and Bigfoot. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens are here! It's all true! (We'd like someplace quiet)

"While after vigorously denying reports of his extramarital affair, and calling the story ridiculous, untrue and tabloid trash, John Edwards today admitted he had an affair. And the National Enquirer was the only publication writing about it, the National Enquirer was the first to break it, turns out it was true. You know what this means? Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens are here! It's all true!" --Jay Leno

"Did you see Sarah Palin standing next to John McCain at the podium the other day when he introduced her? Didn't it look like one of those commercials where the daughter is trying to find a nice home to put Dad in? 'We'd like someplace quiet.'" --Jay Leno

"Oh, and listen to this. It happened yet again last month. A Georgia couple showed up a day early for a tour at the White House — you know, just regular folks. Showed up to tour the White House, somehow wound up in an invitation-only breakfast with President Obama and the First Lady. Isn't that amazing? The only two people that couldn't get in the White House this year were John McCain and Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The other 50 percent are a group calling themselves "Women." (the eight-year oopsy)

The National Enquirer paid $30,000 for a story about President Trump having a love child but then buried the story. The Enquirer said, "We did it to protect the child from finding out his father is Donald Trump." --Conan O’Brien

According to a new poll that just came out, 50 percent of Republicans say they could support Donald Trump. The other 50 percent are a group calling themselves "Women." –Conan O’Brien

"George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as the Bush tax cuts. He also wishes people would stop referring to his presidency as the eight-year oopsy." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don’t think he would ever leave her behind (What actually happens)

According to the National Enquirer, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are headed for divorce. I don’t believe it. I don’t think he would ever leave her behind. --Jimmy Fallon

The raid happened after the FBI got a search warrant. Trump was surprised to learn that you need permission before you can just start grabbing stuff. --Jimmy Fallon

At the Academy of Country Music Awards, Willie Nelson announced he was writing his memoirs. He said in his memoirs, he will explain how marijuana has affected his life. Here’s how it affected his life: He started writing his memoir in 1946. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

An overdue reminder of what can happen when you go to the moon (they won’t even have to use ink)

April 2023

“We are watching for Donald Trump’s arraignment on charges stemming from hush-money payments during the 2016 presidential campaign. So what happens now? What does he plead? When is the trial? What if he goes to jail? He could end up the head of a violent white supremacist gang, but in prison this time.” —Stephen Colbert

“The arraignment will reportedly include fingerprinting the former president, and they won’t even have to use ink. I’m pretty sure there’s enough ketchup on there all the time.” —Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, numerous Republican commentators have tried to discredit the charges by warning, as Vivek Ramaswamy put it on Fox News, that ‘if they can do it to Trump, they can do it to you’. It’s true. If this indictment stands, then no one who has their fixer pay six figures in hush money to their porn star lover, then reimburses that fixer out of business expense accounts, then falsifies it as ‘legal fees’ and conspires with the publisher of the National Enquirer to catch and kill stories about his other extramarital affairs as part of another illegal violation of campaign finance laws, will be safe! You know the old saying. First they came for the former president, and I said nothing because he is so f*cking guilty.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There’s a rumor he was born in New Jersey (also known as We the People)

"Now Egyptians are demanding to see President Mubarak’s birth certificate. There’s a rumor he was born in New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"According to 'The National Enquirer' House Speaker John Boehner had his package stimulated. He’s being accused of having two affairs, one with a female lobbyist. That should end the criticism of the Republicans as 'The Party of No.'" –Jay Leno

"Oil companies are now saying that the unrest in the Middle East could lead to an increase in gas prices. Did you ever notice that everything leads to increased gas prices: Egypt, the snowstorm, Snooki's book, the 'American Idol' judges." –Jay Leno

"Well, according to The New York Post, delegates at the Democratic convention received information packets with three separate warnings not to drink too much, because they say alcohol has a much stronger effect in higher altitudes. I guess they didn’t want anyone getting drunk and accidentally sleeping with John Edwards again." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Amazon does have a long history of mishandling packages (I'm going to need a hit of that)

Let's get to some news here. Today in Washington, President Trump had his yearly physical exam. It was not good news. The doctor told Trump to build a wall around his refrigerator. --Jimmy Fallon

Last night, it came out that the "National Enquirer" tried to blackmail Amazon's Jeff Bezos by leaking his naked selfies. It's pretty crazy, but Amazon does have a long history of mishandling packages. --Jimmy Fallon

Guys, listen to this -- I read that more and more people are offering weed at their weddings. That's not good if your parents look at the person you're marrying and go, "I'm going to need a hit of that.” --Jimmy Fallon

That's right, more people are handing out weed at their wedding. Guests love it until the couple's first dance is a 45-minute song by Phish. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Forget the oil spill, can someone put a cap on this guy (Why we have a federal deficit)

"According to the National Enquirer, Bristol Palin has called off her engagement with Levi Johnston after finding out that he also got his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia pregnant. Forget the oil spill, can someone put a cap on this guy." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he's registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush. They got him a huge cake. He didn't blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up and went out on their own." –Jay Leno

"A California judge has overruled California's ban on gay marriage. Finally gay men can marry someone other than Liza Minelli. Wedding planners can now plan their own weddings." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

alleged affairs is a very dignified way to say Raw Dog and porn stars (side cramps)

Chris Christie has taken himself out of the running to be the permanent White House chief of staff. Also taking Chris Christie out of the running, side cramps. --Michael Che, SNL

It’s been confirmed that Trump was in the room with Michael Cohen and the publisher of the National Enquirer when they discussed covering up Trump’s alleged affairs. Which alleged affairs is a very dignified way to say Raw Dog and porn stars. --Michael Che, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh, honey. If the date ends with you cutting a check, that’s not love (which publications my porn stars spanked me with)

When he saw he was in trouble with the justice department, Donald Trump appealed to a higher authority: Fox News. Trump was asked about the National Enquirer controversy he said, “I don’t think we made a payment to that tabloid. I always forget which publications I paid to silence my porn stars and which publications my porn stars spanked me with.” --Stephen Colbert

In the Fox News interview Trump did his best to bring the conversation back to complimenting himself. Trump said, “I have the greatest base in the history of politics. I have a lot of people that I love and that love me, and that includes a lot of women.” Oh, honey. If the date ends with you cutting a check, that’s not love. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It’s also what Eric and Don Jr’ call a day at the zoo (nah girl, you're good)

A Reuters reporter asked Donald Trump about the possibility of impeachment, but Trump doesn’t fear it saying, “It’s hard to impeach somebody who hasn’t done anything wrong and who’s created the greatest economy in the history of our country. I think the people would revolt if that happened.” Yes, it’s true. The people would take to the streets if that happened. Yes, it’s true. The people would take to the streets, vandalizing champagne bottles, grinning with rage, blocking traffic with their protest dancing. It would be absolute pandemonium. --Stephen Colbert

Yesterday court papers revealed that the National Enquirer paid Karen MacDougal for exclusive rights to her story about her affair with Trump, and then buried it. It’s a practice in tabloid news known as “Catch and Kill.” It’s also what Eric and Don Jr’ call a day at the zoo. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Newton kids would be in Middle School today if... (Bat Boy)

The National Enquirer used the tactic called “Catch and Kill” where it bought the rights to the woman’s story but never published it. If they had actually run the story about Trump’s affair it would have been known as “Read and Vomit.” --James Corden

It’s crazy that a publication would cover up a story about a presidential candidate. Even more shocking the National Enquirer also covered up the story that the tabloid legend Bat Boy eventually grew up to be Rudy Giuliani. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Because the pharmaceutical industry has bought the US congress (Dude, this seems excessive)

According to a recent report Donald Trump has decided to cancel the traditional White House holiday party held for the press. Even Ebenezer Scrooge is like, “Dude, this seems excessive.” --James Corden

The supermarket tabloid the National Enquirer just admitted that they coordinated with Donald Trump’s presidential campaign to pay hush money to one of Trump’s mistresses. Now this story is so unbelievable it is the kind of thing that you would see on the front page of the National Enquirer. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

When asked if he's using a Magic 8-Ball, Trump said, "Ask again later." (hiding negative stories)

The president has been very busy. This morning he tweeted that an attack on Syria could happen "very soon or not so soon at all." When asked if he's using a Magic 8-Ball, Trump said, "Ask again later." --Jimmy Fallon

Investigators are looking into whether the National Enquirer protected Trump by hiding negative stories about him. It might not be true because I read about it in the National Enquirer, so I don't know. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

It's time to take bold action! (turns out he doesn’t have one)

The National Enquirer paid $30,000 for a story about President Trump having a love child but then buried the story. The Enquirer said, "We did it to protect the child from finding out his father is Donald Trump." --Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that the National Enquirer paid President Trump’s doorman $30,000 so they could kill a story about Trump. Isn’t that shocking? A Trump employee got paid. --Conan O’Brien

One of the world's top Donkey Kong players has been stripped of his records for cheating. He was going to be sentenced to life, but turns out he doesn’t have one. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

Oh, war. It just God's way of teaching Americans geography

The onslaught in the caucus is centered around the disputed South Ossetia region on the border between the two countries. And while Russia claims they have ended military operations, Georgia claims the Russians have made further attacks in Abkhazia. Oh, war. It just God's way of teaching Americans geography." --Jon Stewart

"The presidential race has been rocked by the news that two years ago, John Edwards had an extramarital affair with campaign worker Rielle Hunter, who apparently caused a spike in his polling. Hunter produced campaign webisodes about Edwards, a bold idea in 2006. YouTube was brand new, and Edwards lit up cyberspace under the pseudonym 'Lonelyboy15.' 

But there's an even bigger scandal to this story [on screen: people questioning why the mainstream media ignored the John Edwards story for so long when the National Enquirer picked up on it in October 2007]. Exactly. This was reported in the National Enquirer last October. Why is the mainstream media ignoring the National Enquirer? I mean, look at the latest issue right here [on screen: Colbert holds up the latest cover of the National Enquirer, showing stories on 'plastic surgery shockers']. 

Why isn't the New York Times reporting on what happened to Madonna's face? Oh. Oh, girlfriend, no, no, no. Why didn't CNN pick up on this story on page five about Eva Longoria gaining weight in her attempts to get pregnant? By the way, confidential to Miss Longoria, if you're trying to get pregnant, I recommend making webisodes for John Edwards." --Stephen Colbert

 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

He shouldn't be our president. He should be our mascot (lack of self-awareness)

"You know, he really is adorable. He shouldn't be our president. He should be our mascot." --Jon Stewart, watching Bush at the Olympics

"Bush did sit down with the premiere Olympic sportscaster of all time, Bob Costas, to discuss what he thought was so weird about the invasion [on screen: Bush saying he thought it was odd Russia invaded Georgia during a time when the world is promoting 'peace and harmony,' and that there needs to be 'international mediation there']. Yes. Sometimes international mediation can solve conflicts. That's President Bush winning the preliminary heat in the 200 meter lack of self-awareness dash [on screen: Bush saying America doesn't seem to have any problems]. I think that might be our biggest problem." --Jon Stewart

"John Edwards, presidential aspirant and author of the famed claim that there are two Americas, was apparently only faithful to his wife in one of them. Apparently he didn't realize that the National Enquirer had reporters stationed in the other America, where he was, in fact, banging his videographer." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens are here! It's all true! (put your foot down)

"The Chinese government claims that it has the smog that Beijing is notorious for under control, but here's how bad it really is. They say if Snoop Dogg rolled down the window of his limo, smoke would pour in." --Jimmy Kimmel

"While after vigorously denying reports of his extramarital affair, and calling the story ridiculous, untrue and tabloid trash, John Edwards today admitted he had an affair. And the National Enquirer was the only publication writing about it, the National Enquirer was the first to break it, turns out it was true. You know what this means? Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens are here! It's all true!" --Jay Leno



"Well, Democrats are furious, they're going on record now saying John Edwards will not be allowed to speak at the convention because of this affair. Yeah, instead speaking in his place: Bill Clinton. You have to put your foot down." --Jay Leno



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

I don’t think he would ever leave her behind (The Ballad of Kim and Kanye)

At the Academy of Country Music Awards, Willie Nelson announced he was writing his memoirs. He said in his memoirs, he will explain how marijuana has affected his life. Here’s how it affected his life: He started writing his memoir in 1946. --Jimmy Fallon

According to the National Enquirer, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are headed for divorce. I don’t believe it. I don’t think he would ever leave her behind. --Jimmy Fallon

Quarterback Colin Kaepernick has done a complete 180. He now says he WILL stand for the national anthem. He’s now sitting for the games, but he’s standing for the anthem. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020