If you can't contain El Chapo then your opinions are El Crapo (Like using a robot to feed live mice to The View)

So what's the primary mechanism of political survival? For most politicians it’s kicking the can down the road. They know never to deal with a problem when it arises because action always involves risk. So instead they offer platitudes. Instead of solutions hoping the status quo gets them reelected until it's time of course to cash in and become a lobbyist. But today we have a leader who's kicking nothing down the road. Instead, Donald Trump sees the can picks it up and crushes it with his bare hands. Think about it, DOGE, trade, deporting gangs, men and women's sports, getting Rosie O'Donnell on a plane to Ireland. —Greg Gutfeld

According to NBC News the Trump administration is considering taking out drug cartels with drone strikes. Drones on cartels, it's a modern solution to a modern problem. Like using a robot to feed live mice to The View. And even your hands are safe. —Greg Gutfeld

Mexico's president says bombing cartels won't address the root of the issue. Really? Doesn't wiping out the dudes who sling these drugs address the root issue? If you can't contain El Chapo then your opinions are El Crapo. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, fellas, this St. Patrick’s Day could be our last (a radioactive douchebag)

New research just came out that finds that consuming potatoes and alcohol can lower your sperm count. So, fellas, this St. Patrick’s Day could be our last. –Conan O’Brien

El Chapo’s lawyers say that while in U.S. custody, his health is deteriorating. El Chapo has lost so much weight, he’s down two tunnel sizes. –Conan O’Brien

Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What they're going to do is bring back Bush and Cheney for a week (so he can be tried by a jury of his customers)

El Chapo is back in the same prison he escaped from six months ago but they revoked his tunnel privileges this time. The plan is they're hoping to extradite him to the United States so he can be tried by a jury of his customers. –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama's approval rating is down to 46 percent. But the White House has an idea for how to get it back up again. What they're going to do is bring back Bush and Cheney for a week." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, it turns out he isn't a genius. I know, I was surprised, too (so he can be tried by a jury of his customers)

Meanwhile, in our nation’s capital, our elected officials had a late night of work. After seven hours of debating, they voted to approve a resolution that would rid the country eventually of Obamacare. Can you imagine, the senators finally worked until 1:30 in the morning, and it was for this? How would Congress like it if we all met in the middle of the night and voted to take THEIR healthcare away? –Jimmy Kimmel

President ​Trump did not seem to know all the words to the national anthem. But there might be a good explanation for it. You know how the president keeps telling us he's a genius? Well, it turns out he isn't. I know, I was surprised, too. --Jimmy Kimmel

El Chapo is back in the same prison he escaped from six months ago but they revoked his tunnel privileges this time. The plan is they're hoping to extradite him to the United States so he can be tried by a jury of his customers. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, he IS one of us! (Alexa, Daddy’s sad)

El Chapo’s lawyers say that while in U.S. custody, his health is deteriorating. El Chapo has lost so much weight, he’s down two tunnel sizes. –Conan O’Brien

Amazon Prime has made it possible to have beer and wine delivered to your home by Alexa. All you have to do is say the phrase, “Alexa, Daddy’s sad.” –Conan O’Brien

Last night, President Trump’s tax return from 2005 was released, showing that he had an income of more than $150 million. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, “$150 million? See, he IS one of us!” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At this point it’s basically El Chapo and Donald Trump (Jail Bush/Free Assange)

August 2022

“There is the case of Donald Trump associate Allen Weisselberg and the former president’s predilection for being close to criminals. The Trump Organization financial chief pled guilty to tax fraud after being Trump’s No. 2 guy for the last 40 years. Can we just take a moment to appreciate how many people associated with Donald Trump have ended up in prison? The list includes: his lawyer, campaign manager, his deputy campaign chairman, and now the chief financial officer of his organization. Usually you gotta run a drug cartel to have this many friends doing hard time … at this point it’s basically El Chapo and Donald Trump.” —Trevor Noah

“They need to send all of these Trump felons to school assemblies to scare kids away from Trump.” —Trevor Noah

“But despite Weisselberg’s proximity to Trump for decades, the former president has denied awareness of any wrongdoing. Now I know what you’re thinking right now. You’re wondering to yourself, surely if Trump’s second in command was committing financial crimes with Trump’s company then Trump must also be involved. Well actually no, because the story is that Trump had no idea what was happening in his organization for decades. He had no clue – and that, my friends, is the kind of leadership that makes him fit to be the next president of the United States.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

thanks for watching, Mr. President (See, he IS one of us!)

Last night, President Trump’s tax return from 2005 was released, showing that he had an income of more than $150 million. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, “$150 million? See, he IS one of us!” –Conan O’Brien

Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis said climate change is real and threatens global stability. He then asked that his nickname be changed to “Reasonable Dog.” –Conan O’Brien

Fox News is about to debut its new tagline. Instead of "fair and balanced," they're going with “thanks for watching, Mr. President.” --Conan O’Brien

El Chapo’s lawyers say that while in U.S. custody, his health is deteriorating. El Chapo has lost so much weight, he’s down two tunnel sizes. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The lowest political bar in history (Yes, selfies CAN get worse)

February 2014

"The Winter Olympics are finally over. They handed out all the medals and all the whippings, and the athletes are now leaving town before Vladimir Putin uses the Olympic flame to burn down Sochi for the insurance money." –Stephen Colbert

"The NFL is warning Arizona that if they approve a bill that discriminates against gays they may not get to host the next Super Bowl. And it may also hurt Arizona's chances of hosting the Tony Awards." –Conan O’Brien

"The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, you know who they locked up? Public enemy No. 1, El Chapo Guzman. He was the leading distributor of cocaine and cocaine-related items in the world. So another setback for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought I fired you. I thought I -- I definitely fired you (then five days to change their names and move to different states)

Well, Trump talked about the deal at a cabinet meeting today. And he started the meeting like he always does, by going around to each cabinet member and saying, "I thought I fired you. I thought I -- I definitely fired you." --Jimmy Fallon

Today a jury in New York convicted Mexican drug lord El Chapo. And now he's facing life in prison. I'll have a joke about this after I'm 100% sure he's spending his life in prison. Just so you know. I'll be the first one there. Actually, El Chapo's jury took six days to reach a verdict -- one day to deliberate, then five days to change their names and move to different states. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What I did My First 100 Days (I’m not sure who to root for here)

Yesterday Sen. Ted Cruz introduced a bill to Congress called the El Chapo Act, which would use money seized from the Mexican drug lord El Chapo to pay for Donald Trump’s border wall. Now, this is a story about Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and El Chapo — and I’ll be honest, I’m not sure who to root for here. –James Corden

They’re calling it the El Chapo Act because what better way to build a wall than with money from a guy who’s famous for tunneling under walls? –James Corden

Ivanka Trump is being criticized after it came out the workers at a Chinese factory who make her fashion line earn roughly $1 an hour. President Trump was pretty upset with Ivanka. He was like, “Wait, you pay your workers?” –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

JOKES: Trump supporters said, “$150 million? See, he IS one of us!” (tunnel sizes)

Last night, President Trump’s tax return from 2005 was released, showing that he paid $38 million in taxes. Trump would have paid more, but he listed Vladimir Putin as a dependent. –Conan O’Brien

Last night, President Trump’s tax return from 2005 was released, showing that he had an income of more than $150 million. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, “$150 million? See, he IS one of us!” –Conan O’Brien

El Chapo’s lawyers say that while in U.S. custody, his health is deteriorating. El Chapo has lost so much weight, he’s down two tunnel sizes. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: Dory couldn't be found because she was being detained at the airport

A group of inmates in California filmed a YouTube video from prison where they vowed to help El Chapo escape. El Chapo was excited to watch it, but then a 30-second ad popped up and he was like, "Ugh — forget it." –Jimmy Fallon

Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here's how it works: If you're breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you're probably drunk. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday Donald Trump spent the afternoon at the White House watching "Finding Dory" with his family. Apparently in this version Dory couldn't be found because she was being detained at the airport. –Conan O’Brien

Which, coincidentally, is also the motto of Match.com

Hillary Clinton said she went to Donald Trump’s wedding but didn’t give him a gift. Trump said, "Just for that, you’re not coming to my next three weddings." –Conan O’Brien

The New York Times is describing President Obama’s State of the Union as "a balance of terror and reality." Which, coincidentally, is also the motto of Match.com. –Conan O’Brien

The other Republican candidates keep attacking Marco Rubio implying he’s a child. However, Rubio has hit back against these charges, threatening repeatedly to "tell Mom." –Conan O’Brien

As you all know, Sean Penn recently interviewed El Chapo. Not to be outdone, Keanu Reeves now wants to interview El Niño. –Conan O’Brien

Luckily, so is bleach

Mexican officials revealed Sunday that fugitive drug lord El Chapo nearly escaped by using a secret doorway hidden behind a mirror. Which would have made it hard to capture him since Mexico has no extradition agreement with Narnia. –Seth Meyers

The White House revealed over the weekend that President Obama privately met with Bernie Sanders. And when she heard this, Hillary Clinton fake-smiled so hard, her ears touched in the back. –Seth Meyers

The world-famous Playboy Mansion is for sale. Luckily, so is bleach. –Seth Meyers

Dennis Hof, the owner of Nevada’s famous Bunny Ranch Brothel, has announced he will run for Senate in 2016. Even though the only experience he has with politicians is telling them to “come back soon!” –Seth Meyers

so he can be tried by a jury of his customers

El Chapo is the Mexican drug kingpin who was recaptured on Friday. He has been in hiding since he escaped from a maximum security prison in July and somehow wound up doing an interview with Sean Penn. Apparently he was hoping to get a movie made about his life. What a great plot twist, adding Sean Penn. I mean, the thing is writing itself. I wonder who Sean will get to play Sean in the movie. –Jimmy Kimmel

El Chapo is back in the same prison he escaped from six months ago but they revoked his tunnel privileges this time. The plan is they're hoping to extradite him to the United States so he can be tried by a jury of his customers. –Jimmy Kimmel

I’m just a humble drug lord!

Donald Trump is on the show tonight, and I'm not saying security is tight, but the Secret Service just built a giant wall around the building — we had to pay for it! –Jimmy Fallon

Republican candidates aired a dozen new TV ads last week, even though recent data has shown that TV ads are mostly ineffective. Chris Christie was like, “If TV ads aren't effective, why do I keep going to Wendy's for their Gouda Bacon Cheeseburger, here ONLY for a limited time?” –Jimmy Fallon

A day after he was caught, it came out that Mexican drug lord El Chapo actually sat down for an interview with Sean Penn while he was on the run. In the interview, El Chapo described himself as “a person who's not looking for problems in any way.” You know, except for that whole “Mexican drug lord” thing. “I’m just a humble drug lord! I chop up my enemies one leg at a time, just like anybody else.” –Jimmy Fallon

minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature

At a rally last night in Vermont, Donald Trump refused to let anyone in that wasn't a Trump supporter, but several protesters got in anyway. So keep that in mind the next time you listen to the guy whose biggest campaign promise is keeping people from sneaking in. –Jimmy Fallon

An autograph expert said that Hillary Clinton's autograph is the most valuable of all the candidates. For instance, a Hillary Clinton-signed hat is worth about $1500 dollars, while a Jeb Bush-signed hat is worth...whatever the hat cost originally, minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature. –Jimmy Fallon

The president of Mexico announced that the notorious drug lord El Chapo has been caught. So good news everybody — Mexico is completely safe again! –Jimmy Fallon

According to match.com there's a 60 percent increase in the new members that they have between Christmas and Valentine's Day. And, the single best time to sign up was yesterday at 3:00 p.m. — if you didn't sign up yesterday at exactly 3:00 p.m., you're probably going to die alone. –Jimmy Kimmel

Mexican prisons that have personal showers with $5 million escape tunnels

Republican candidate George Pataki said his dogs would give him the best endorsement for becoming our next president. Until they hear Chris Christie always carries bacon in his pockets. (Joke's on them, though, he’s never going to give them any of that pocket bacon. It’s what gets him through long meetings!) –Jimmy Fallon

Republican candidate Ben Carson told reporters he thinks American prisons might be too comfortable. As opposed to Mexican prisons that have personal showers with $5 million escape tunnels. –Jimmy Fallon

How much meth you would have to smoke to vote for Donald Trump?

That El Chapo is quite a character. A photo surfaced of El Chapo drinking a beer and flying a plane. Sounds like we have a new "Most interesting man in the world." —Conan O’Brien

A man in Colorado was driving with a cousin who refused to get out of the car. So he called the police and they found her in the car along with 16 pounds of meth. Isn't the first rule of having 16 pounds of meth in your car to never call the police? Sixteen pounds of meth. To put that in perspective, that's how much meth you would have to smoke to vote for Donald Trump. —James Corden

After severing ties with Donald Trump, NBC is reportedly in talks with comedian George Lopez to take over "Celebrity Apprentice." So Trump’s greatest nightmare came true. A Hispanic guy took his job.—Seth Meyers

He promised to bring that kind of leadership to the Oval Office

Presidential candidate Donald Trump had a meeting with Ted Cruz. He said he does not know why he agreed to fly to New York to meet Ted Cruz and then he promised to bring that kind of leadership to the Oval Office.—Conan O’Brien

There is now footage of the drug kingpin El Chapo changing his shoes right before his escape. Apparently authorities didn't notice El Chapo was lacing up a pair of Nike Tunnel Runners. It's a special brand they have. —Conan O’Brien