Now, I’ve got to make an appointment to have the tattoo lasered off (Congratulate me! I didn’t eat nachos off the casket!)

The Alabama Senate election is tomorrow and Roy Moore supporters spent the weekend going door to door just like Roy Moore has to do when he moves to a new neighborhood. –Stephen Colbert

For Donald Trump it’s been a rough couple of ... his entire presidency. The chaos coming out of the White House is just coming at you so fast. It’s hard to keep track of it. Two weeks ago, I had never heard of Anthony Scaramucci. Now, I’ve got to make an appointment to have the tattoo lasered off. –Stephen Colbert

According to administration officials, Trump has been snappish with aides most of the week. Miffed in part by so many ceremonial events not related to him. Aides added that Trump was impatient for the memorials to end, but expressed pride in himself for remaining publicly civil. That’s how far we’ve fallen. We’ve gone from “1,000 points of light” to “Congratulate me! I didn’t eat nachos off the casket!” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave (the perfect date movie)

Doug Jones is the first Democrat to win an Alabama Senate seat in 25 years – so a quarter of a century. The last time Alabama elected a Democratic senator, the biggest movie was "Aladdin," or, as Roy Moore calls it, "the perfect date movie." –Stephen Colbert

“Scientists warn heat waves will be longer, more intense and more frequent. So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

George Washington's real last name (you should still call the police)

Yesterday in Alabama, a bomb squad was called into a post office to handle suspicious bags that ended up being full of hot dogs. So if you know someone who left a bag full of hot dogs at the post office, you should still call the police. -- Jimmy Fallon

Some more news about the President just came out that during a trip to George Washington's home in Mount Vernon, Trump was amazed that Washington didn't name the property after himself. This is real. Trump said, "if Washington was smart, he would've put his name on it. You've got to put your name on stuff or no one remembers you." When a staffer said, "Sir, where you live is named after him." Trump was like, "You mean George Washington's real last name was Mar-A-Lago Golf Course?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m only going there to watch (a sentence so stupid)

President Trump impersonated a transgender weightlifter in a speech to graduates at the University of Alabama, which is a sentence so stupid it couldn't even get into the University of Alabama. —Michael Che

The sex trafficking trail of Sean Combs begins in New York next week and just like his parties I’m only going there to watch. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature (they're complicit)

Yesterday in Alabama, a bomb squad was called into a post office to handle suspicious bags that ended up being full of hot dogs. So if you know someone who left a bag full of hot dogs at the post office, you should still call the police. -- Jimmy Fallon

An autograph expert said that Hillary Clinton's autograph is the most valuable of all the candidates. For instance, a Hillary Clinton-signed hat is worth about $1500 dollars, while a Jeb Bush-signed hat is worth...whatever the hat cost originally, minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The public isn't supposed to know about either one (but thankfully, he landed on his hard shell back)

Senator Mitch McConnell, seen here watching a gust of wind blow away a homeless man's lottery ticket, suffered minor injuries after he fell during a Republican lunch, but thankfully, he landed on his hard shell back. —Michael Che                                        

Today marks the 205th anniversary of Alabama becoming a state. To find out what life was like in Alabama 205 years ago, go to Mississippi. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

your rulers are afraid of you (old enough percent)

"A new study shows that despite previous estimates there are only

2 million rats living in New York City. I guess the other 10 million

are commuting from New Jersey." –Seth Meyers

According to a national poll, only 16 percent of Americans believe that Republican Alabama candidate Roy Moore should stay in the Senate race following allegations of sexual misconduct with teenagers. 16 percent, or as Moore calls it, “old enough percent.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You may test that assumption at your convenience (Throw it on a bumper sticker!)

On Monday, the White House physician, Dr Kevin O’Connor, said President Biden was not displaying signs of Parkinson’s disease. Yep, that’s where we are right now: that’s the good news. Throw it on a bumper sticker! —Seth Meyers

Joe Biden criticized Donald Trump during an interview on Monday by saying he “makes George Wallace look like a patriot”. That’s right, he’s fighting those age allegations with a joke about the governor of Alabama in 1963. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jon Stewart, you owe me five bucks! Pay up! (testicle festival)

The Supreme Court scheduled arguments for the week of 22 April and said proceedings in the trial court would remain frozen until then. That makes it a total of 19 weeks of delays. These proceedings have been frozen for so long, they legally count as children in Alabama. —Stephen Colbert

The decision comes after an appeals court ruled unanimously against Trump’s claim that presidents have total immunity from prosecution, including if they ordered the assassination of a political rival. Though arguments will be heard in April, decisions would not be released until June, which would push the trial to late September or October, in the heart of the election. That’s terrible news for democracy, but fantastic news for television. All of the plotlines will come together at once for the thrilling conclusion of … America. —Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday, President Biden had his annual physical exam, and good news: He’s alive! Jon Stewart, you owe me five bucks! Pay up!” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s like if King Midas touched a turd (it has nothing to do with a woman named Jolene)

We are celebrating the $355 million penalty in Trump’s New York civil fraud trial, which found him guilty of illegally inflating his assets, among other crimes. Because the ruling comes with back interest, Trump really owes the state of New York $454 million. Obviously, Trump needs cash fast. So he’s getting into foot stuff. Trump recently launched “Never Surrender” limited-edition sneakers, selling for $399 a pop. Yes, they are a bold fashion statement. It’s like if King Midas touched a turd. —Stephen Colbert

Trump continues to brag about being responsible for overturning Roe v Wade, despite the unpopularity of that decision, as evidenced by public outcry over a recent Alabama supreme court decision declaring IVF embryos “human beings” with equal protection under the law. The South Carolina senator Lindsey Graham, speaking on Fox News, evidenced the Republican position by trying to distance the ruling from the supreme court’s decision to overturn Roe in 2022. Saying this has nothing to do with Republicans is like saying Dolly Parton’s song Jolene has nothing to do with a woman named Jolene. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s part of their “They Deserve Each Other” tour (taste like plumber)

Former White House adviser Steve Bannon is heading to Alabama to campaign for embattled candidate Roy Moore. It’s part of their “They Deserve Each Other” tour. –Conan O’Brien

Nintendo has teamed with Kellogg's to make a Mario Brothers cereal. Kellogg's promises that the Super Mario cereal will “taste like plumber.” –Conan O’Brien

Two properties associated with Donald Trump have decided to remove his name from their building. Sadly, neither one is the White House. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The top theory so far being the guy yelling, AAAAAHHHHHHH! (Now, if he can only remember his ATM code)

Boeing announced that the head of their troubled 737 Max program is leaving the company after he was sucked out of an emergency exit. —Colin Jost

New York City police are trying to determine the owner of a human leg found abandoned on a Bronx subway track. The top theory so far being the guy yelling, AAAAAHHHHHHH! —Colin Jost

The Alabama Supreme Court ruled that embryos created through IVF are children and that black embryos can be tried as adults. —Colin Jost

It was reported that President Biden’s campaign ended its January fund-raising with $56 Million in the bank. Now, if he can only remember his ATM code. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You said we had a deal! (their new seats only recline forward)

Some news for travelers here. I read that British Airways is getting rid of reclining seats on their planes. And if you think that's bad, Southwest just announced that their new seats only recline forward. --Jimmy Fallon

New polls found that Bernie Sanders is now ahead of Hillary Clinton among Democrats in both Iowa and New Hampshire. And even Hillary's lead in national polls is dwindling. I don't want to say Hillary is upset, but this morning she was spotted shouting into a volcano, "You said we had a deal!" –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday in Alabama, a bomb squad was called into a post office to handle suspicious bags that ended up being full of hot dogs. So if you know someone who left a bag full of hot dogs at the post office, you should still call the police. -- Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because my wife's family owns Budweiser (I honked in Ottawa)

"Due to the current crisis on Wall Street, President Bush announced just a few hours ago that he's canceled a trip to Alabama. That's true. Yeah, Bush said, 'Under the circumstances, I didn't think it was right to leave the country.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of John McCain, in his speech today, John McCain said that illegal Irish immigrants in America should be allowed to become citizens. Yeah. When asked why, McCain said, 'Because my wife's family owns Budweiser.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush gave an optimistic speech about the economy, even though the dollar fell even more, oil hit record highs and jobs continue to be lost. Yeah. So when asked what part of the economy is working, Bush said, 'Hookers are doing well.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It should be a huge improvement over its original name, parade of regrets (He described the attack as 'al dente.')

Facebook launched its year in review feature, which brings up some of your top Facebook photos from the past year. It should be a huge improvement over its original name, parade of regrets. –Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face at a rally in Rome yesterday. Berlusconi said he wasn't hit too hard, or too soft. He described the attack as 'al dente.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman from Alabama won a dinner with Sarah Palin on eBay. It cost $63,000. Palin says she'll take the woman out to a restaurant of her choice and leave after the appetizers." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The way it works is you scream about how much you want it, and your parents never provide the funding (somebody prank-called Doug Jones)

Alabama Senator-elect Doug Jones said yesterday President Trump called him and was very gracious while congratulating him on his win. That story again, somebody prank-called Doug Jones. –Seth Meyers

A toy company has announced that it will begin selling a Lego-inspired kit for kids called MAGA Build the Wall. The way it works is you scream about how much you want it, and your parents never provide the funding. --Seth Meyers

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the media is unfairly fixating on Dr. Ben Carson. And Ben Carson said that Reince Priebus is a condition that can result in blindness if left untreated. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, it turns out he isn't. I know, I was surprised, too. (Biden was its architect)

The Alabama Crimson Tide rallied from, I think, 13 points to beat Georgia in overtime to win their fifth national title in nine years. The kid who threw the winning touchdown pass is the backup quarterback. His name is Tua Tagovailoa, I believe. What a game he had. The state of Alabama hasn't seen a freshman scramble like that since Roy Moore visited a local high school. --Jimmy Kimmel

The College Football National Championship game was last night. And President Donald Trump made an appearance. Now, after months of criticizing football players for taking knees, the president finally got the chance to stand for the national anthem. But some people noticed that Trump may not know all the words. But there might be a good explanation for it. You know how the president keeps telling us he's a genius? Well, it turns out he isn't. I know, I was surprised, too. --Jimmy Kimmel

"Dennis Rodman took six former NBA players to North Korea to play against a local team in celebration of Kim Jong Un's 31st birthday. I guess after years of playing alongside Michael Jordan, Rodman is very comfortable with totalitarian dictators. Dennis Rodman is like the uncle that Kim Jong Un never had killed." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

this makes two attempts by Trump to hide his secret Fs (shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, and Alabama)

It was a critical Super Tuesday for the Republican Party. Donald Trump won seven states. Of course, the seven states that Donald Trump won were shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, and Alabama. –James Corden

Trump had his high school grades sealed. So including the hush money payment to a porn star, this makes two attempts by Trump to hide his secret Fs. --James Corden

New tax filings show that President Donald Trump’s former bodyguard has been receiving $15,000 a month from the Republican National Committee since leaving the White House. You realize what that means, right? Trump was sleeping with his bodyguard, too! The bodyguard has a lot of experience in his field. He served in the U.S. Navy and the New York City police department, so according to Trump, he has almost enough weapons training to work as a school teacher. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So congratulations, New Jersey! You’re back in business! (they talked to the doll for 45 minutes about their juice cleanse)

If you’re unhappy at work, you should know about a new study that proves employees feel less resentful and improve the quality of their work if they’re allowed to — get this — stab voodoo dolls of their boss. During the study, employees stuck their voodoo dolls with pins, they burned them with candles, and pinched them with pliers. Or, if they really, really wanted to do some damage, they talked to the doll for 45 minutes about their juice cleanse. --James Corden

The sheriff’s office in Broward County, Florida, recently announced their newest deputy, former basketball star Shaquille O’Neal. I don’t know what Shaq is going to be doing. I think we can rule out working undercover. --James Corden

Alabama will no longer be overwhelmed by the stench of New York’s raw sewage, so congratulations, New Jersey! You’re back in business! --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who doesn’t like to see the overdogs win? (Africa's Man of the Millennium)

“One of the funnier interactions, or lack thereof tonight, was Mike Pence and Nancy Pelosi standing side by side, not talking to each other for the whole time, which was kind of rude on his part because she tried really hard to make him president.” —Jimmy Kimmel

The New England Patriots made what turned out to be the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history to beat the Atlanta Falcons in overtime last night. Who doesn’t like to see the overdogs win? –Jimmy Kimmel

In Elkmont, Alabama, last weekend a dog got loose and ended up on a half marathon. The dog saw all the people and just started running with them. She did well. She finished seventh place. She would have finished higher if she hadn't stopped every once in a while to sniff everyone's butts. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”