Big Apple to go dark after 11 p.m. (cabinet members)

A New York City lawmaker is proposing a bill that would force the Big Apple to go dark after 11 p.m. Citizens worry this could cause an uptick in crime, while Bill Clinton worried that it'll be that much harder to pick out a hooker. —Greg Gutfeld

The Olympics are now testing to verify the biological sex of all female competitors. The proof will be based on whether they refuse to order French fries and then eat half of yours. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They call them 'campaign contributions.' (they've never seen anybody who could lie better than they can)

"Well, during the testimony, the president of BP said the underwater cleanup is pretty effective. And when he was done, Congress gave him a standing ovation. Well, sure, they've never seen anybody who could lie better than they can." –Jay Leno

"According to a new report, BP has the worst safety record of all the oil companies. They've paid over $372 million in fines. Oh, they don't call them fines. They call them 'campaign contributions.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Where are the pink hearts and yellow moons? (This could not be permitted)

Donald Trump is holding his first-ever campaign fundraiser but says he’s only doing it because the Republican Party asked him to. Yeah. Trump thought he should do this for the Republican Party, since he turned down their first request: Don’t be our candidate. –Conan O’Brien

"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Ireland, who gave him the traditional bowl of shamrocks. There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'Where are the pink hearts and yellow moons?'" --Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelations. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The game is in Arizona this year so don't be shocked if the Republicans don't accept the result (Where do I go to get my reputation back?)

“So it's Super Bowl weekend that’s probably what you were excited about. The game is in Arizona this year so don't be shocked if the Republicans don't accept the result.” —Bill Maher

“A few days ago there was another balloon over Latin America. They shot it down and Candy fell out.” —Bill Maher

“The State of the Union Address, don’t worry you don't have to say you saw it. I didn't either. It's ridiculous this thing. The state of our Union is uncivil, that’s what it is. I saw the clips. Oh my God, Republicans you know, Biden's trying to make a speech. They act like it's a bachelorette party at a comedy club. Marjorie Taylor Green screaming and shouting and yelling and heckling and booing. It's the State of the Union not The Rocky Horror Picture Show you dumbass.” —Bill Maher

The FBI has said that is was probably a lab leak that was responsible for the Covid outbreak. The manager at the Wuhan bat on a stick today said, ‘Where do I go to get my reputation back?’” —Bill Maher

“Republicans have taken over the house now, so the Ethics Committee they're investigating AOC because of that dress she wore at the Met Gala. Remember that Tax The Rich dress? There's something about improper gifts or whatever it is. Younger viewers who are watching this show might need to know that this is not the first time the Democrats have had a scandal that involved a dress with something on it.” —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But tell me this, would a racist own a team full of the strongest black men he could buy to work on his field? (whose gonna protect me from my mother?)

December 2022

President Biden signed a measure that would force railway workers to accept a deal that would avert a strike but does not include paid sick leave. How do you expect Biden to care about sick leave when he shows up to work every day with full blown CTE. —Michael Che

The senate passed the Respect For Marriage Act which solidifies protections for interracial marriages. Okay, but if I marry a white lady whose gonna protect me from my mother?  —Michael Che

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is under fire over a picture of him from 1957 where he looks on as black students are stopped from entering his school. Okay, so maybe Jerry Jones was a racist back then. But tell me this, would a racist own a team full of the strongest black men he could buy to work on his field? —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which is also the password he used to get into Mar-a-Lago (explain the 80 foot Christmas tree outside of NBC)

December 2022

Well, you guys are not going to believe this, but Alex Jones and Kanye West got together this week, and it didn’t go great. Kanye West made anti-semitic jokes and said, ‘I like Hitler’, which is also the password he used to get into Mar-a-Lago. —Colin Jost

At this point I don’t think that Kanye is off his meds so much as he’s immune to them. —Colin Jost

If Jews do control the media then how is it that we are seeing a new interview with Kanye every day. —Colin Jost

Also if Jews control the media, explain the 80 foot Christmas tree outside of NBC. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I believe these are the same people who believe President Bush is doing a good job in Iraq (They called it 'white people.')

"The good news, Obama said he expects to start bringing our troops home in two years. The bad news, Bush said the same thing seven years ago." –Jay Leno

"Support for Rudy Giuliani has fallen to 12%, and that's just among his children." --Jay Leno

 

"A UCLA study shows 7% of people still believe in the Easter Bunny. I believe these are the same people who believe President Bush is doing a good job in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"A group has now filed papers to nominate Dick Cheney to run for president of the United States in 2012. You may have heard of the group, Halliburton." –Jay Leno

"This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Native Americans had a special name for it. They called it 'white people.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fellas, God gives you all those touchdowns, and this is how you thank him? (free-balling it)

At this point, the folks at the CBO must be so tired of analyzing healthcare bills, they're just free-balling it. "What, a new bill? Yeah, let me run the numbers. Yeah, yeah everybody dies!" –Stephen Colbert

Every day, we get another revelation about Hillary Clinton from WikiLeaks. Any more, and we’re going to need WikiDepends. –Stephen Colbert

Everybody see Thursday night's football game? I saw it by accident because I tried to watch my show. Once again, I got bumped by "Thursday Night Football." This time, my show didn't start until 12:35 a.m. and last night was my special “Pope Show.” So, football didn't just bump me, it bumped the Pope. Fellas, God gives you all those touchdowns, and this is how you thank him? –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At this point it’s basically El Chapo and Donald Trump (Jail Bush/Free Assange)

August 2022

“There is the case of Donald Trump associate Allen Weisselberg and the former president’s predilection for being close to criminals. The Trump Organization financial chief pled guilty to tax fraud after being Trump’s No. 2 guy for the last 40 years. Can we just take a moment to appreciate how many people associated with Donald Trump have ended up in prison? The list includes: his lawyer, campaign manager, his deputy campaign chairman, and now the chief financial officer of his organization. Usually you gotta run a drug cartel to have this many friends doing hard time … at this point it’s basically El Chapo and Donald Trump.” —Trevor Noah

“They need to send all of these Trump felons to school assemblies to scare kids away from Trump.” —Trevor Noah

“But despite Weisselberg’s proximity to Trump for decades, the former president has denied awareness of any wrongdoing. Now I know what you’re thinking right now. You’re wondering to yourself, surely if Trump’s second in command was committing financial crimes with Trump’s company then Trump must also be involved. Well actually no, because the story is that Trump had no idea what was happening in his organization for decades. He had no clue – and that, my friends, is the kind of leadership that makes him fit to be the next president of the United States.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess Martin Luther King’s dream has been realized at last (because there’s nothing to do in Florence, Arizona)

January 2022

“Former President Donald Trump held a rally in Florence, Arizona, over the weekend, thousands of people showed up, because there’s nothing to do in Florence, Arizona.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump ranted for an hour and 35 minutes. Maybe it’s me, but the material doesn’t — it’s actually not working. It was kind of like watching the ‘Sex and the City’ reboot — it needed more Samantha or something.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“At the rally, Trump falsely claimed that the left was forcing white people in New York State to go to the back of the line to get medical help. White people are being sent to the back of the line? I guess Martin Luther King’s dream has been realized at last.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Where does he even get this stuff? This is a man who hasn’t waited in a line since, like, hot lunch in the fourth grade.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Where is Kanye West when you need him? (he's the one guy she refuses to lick)

September 2013

"Ted Cruz reminds me of Miley Cyrus because he is not afraid to incur the wrath of even some of his fans for the greater good of drawing attention to himself. I really think a filibuster is the political version of 'twerking.'" –Bill Maher

"Ted Cruz talked for 21 hours in a fake filibuster, or as I call it, the vagina monologue. 21 hours? I kept saying, 'Where is Kanye West when you need him?'" –Bill Maher

"Even if it was a real filibuster, which is wasn't, it wouldn't even be the record. Strom Thurmond holds the record, 24 hours 18 minutes, taking only one break to impregnate his maid." –Bill Maher

"This Ted Cruz guy, he incurred the wrath of his own party. They don't like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus -- he's the one guy she refuses to lick." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So I guess instead of blaming Bush, it’s now all Jesus’ fault (especially the summer home-less)

December 2012

“President Obama spoke at the national prayer breakfast. The president said that his Christian faith is the driving force behind his economic policies. So I guess instead of blaming Bush, it’s now all Jesus’ fault.” –Jay Leno

“Obama said that he says a brief prayer every morning, but then Joe Biden shows up anyway. So I don’t know if it would really work.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is taking a lot of heat for saying he’s not concerned with the very poor. I don’t think he helped himself, either. Like today he says he does care about the homeless — especially the summer home-less.” –Jay Leno

“The House of Representatives has passed a bill that prohibits people from using welfare money in strip clubs or liquor stores. I agree with that. Strip clubs and liquor stores should be off limits for people who get government funds — you know, like congressmen.” –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Moderna Vaccine is my favorite Tyler Perry character (dating a white lady)

December 2020

The Texas law suits asks the Supreme Court to invalidate election results in four other states, which is a plan that is so crazy only Texas would try to execute it. —Michael Che

Many black doctors are saying that they are having a hard time convincing their patients to take the Pfizer and moderna vaccines, which is weird because Moderna Vaccine is my favorite Tyler Perry character. —Michael Che

Doctors say that a woman has given birth to a baby that came from an embryo that was frozen 27 years ago. Said the baby, “You picked this year!?” —Colin Jost

A new study by astronomers finds that the galaxy is not as black as previously thought after it was seen dating a white lady. —Michael Che

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a perfect plan – as long as no one from New York ever goes to Florida (Were you aware of that, detective?)

August 2020

“More dismal coronavirus news: it is still, in August, taking more than two weeks to receive testing results in some states, which is insane. The whole point of testing is to find cases, isolate them, then trace their contacts. If it takes two weeks, it’s pointless. 

We could’ve avoided this with a coordinated testing strategy from the beginning, and the US almost had one until Jared Kushner slithered out of his Westworld milk bath and fucked it up. According to a damning report by Vanity Fair last week, Kushner secretly spearheaded a plan for an aggressive national testing strategy in March and April that went poof into thin air after it met with a ‘changing sentiment’ by the administration. 

Senior advisers reportedly believed the virus was subsiding and primarily affecting ‘blue states’, and thus sought to push the blame for testing failures on Democratic governors. I guess it’s not surprising to learn that Jared Kushner is a sociopath. 

I mean, look at him. He looks like Hannibal Lecter in a CW reboot of Silence of the Lambs. ‘Did you hear about the new kid? I heard he ate someone’s liver with fava beans and a Capri Sun.’ 

Kushner is the guy who takes his gloves off before dousing you with kerosene. Imagine the president’s son-in-law in action: ‘Gasoline is such a tricky smell to get out of leather. Were you aware of that, detective?’ 

So they had a national testing plan then scrapped it so they could blame the whole thing on Democratic governors. Given that it’s the Trump administration, he joked that it was likely their testing plan was simply: 1. Have one. But not only is that evil, it’s stupid. 

This is an infectious disease. This virus has traveled all over the world. Did they not realize it could travel to red states too? Imagine the mindset of a Trump official: ‘It’s a perfect plan – as long as no one from New York ever goes to Florida.’” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I’m just going to leave the punchline up to you (Praise the Lard!)

from April 2011

"They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas." –Jon Stewart

"In the survey of happiest countries, Denmark, Sweden and Finland were the top three. U.S. came in 12th. Imagine how far our ranking will fall if we ever hear the words 'President Trump.'" –Craig Ferguson

"New Jersey had a governor, married, who decided he was a homosexual, and he was having so much fun being a homosexual that he didn’t want to be governor any more, and now he wants to become a Catholic priest. I’m just going to leave the punchline up to you." –David Letterman

"Hey, who's excited about the Royal Wedding? I'm conflicted. I can't figure out whether I don't care or whether I couldn't care less. I think we're all more excited about the royal divorce." –David Letterman

"WikiLeaks has information about the people that were incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay. Many of them were charged with terrorism and conspiracy, and one person was actually charged with shoplifting a necklace." –David Letterman 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Our beliefs about the world and each other (the war with Chrissy Teigen)

“That’s right, President Trump has fired national security adviser John Bolton, and you have to appreciate the irony of John Bolton being taken out by a preemptive strike.” --Seth Meyers

“Meanwhile, back in March of 2018, John Bolton almost wasn’t hired in the first place. Apparently, ‘Mr. Trump hesitated in part because of his negative reaction to Mr. Bolton’s walrus-style mustache.’ Ironically, while Bolton is leaving, his mustache is staying on as Stephen Miller’s new hairpiece.” --Stephen Colbert

“He’s out, effective immediately. He’s gone. But his mustache will stay on for a few more weeks to tie up any loose ends.” --James Corden

“And to mark the occasion, his mustache was lowered to half mast.” --Trevor Noah

“By the way, Bolton was the third national security adviser Trump has pushed out. Honestly, it’s amazing that America’s unemployment numbers are so low considering Trump has fired half of the country.” --Trevor Noah

“Yep, Trump tweeted Bolton’s services were no longer needed and that he strongly disagreed with many of his suggestions. Bolton thought we should continue the war in Afghanistan and Trump thought we should continue the war with Chrissy Teigen.” --Jimmy Fallon

“I don’t know who to believe: the guy who lies all the time, or the other guy who lies all the time.” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

those positions were so often on top of women who weren't his wife (call me when your foul lines are drawn with coke)

"In case you're unfamiliar with the term, journalism is an old-time occupation like boot blacking or alchemy." –Stephen Colbert

"Airlines are considering charging for reclining seats. Also, your scrotum now counts as a carry-on bag." –Stephen Colbert

‎"Newt Gingrich knows that before he throws his giant hat into the ring, he has to explain his past positions — specifically, why those positions were so often on top of women who weren't his wife." –Stephen Colbert

"Charlie Sheen — he's our new national pastime. Sorry baseball, call me when your foul lines are drawn with coke." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I don’t know where I am going to get tractors that small (That’s why I don’t take baths)

I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get tractors that small. --Steven Wright

I bought a cordless extension cord. --Steven Wright 

I bought a decaffeinated coffee table. --Steven Wright 

You know when you put a stick in the water and it looks like it's bent but it really isn’t? That’s why I don’t take baths. --Steven Wright

She said let me ask you this and I said what? She said if you could know how and when you were gonna die would you want to know? I said no and she said, forget it then. --Steven Wright

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Graham Elwood: Federal Court Exposes DNC Conspiracy Against Assange/Wikileaks

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jimmy Dore: Julian Assange Exposes Democrat Fascists, Torturers & Warmongers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”