unless they're downwind, then they're totally cool (So finally some good news for the Jonas Brothers)

"Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it's been since I have been able to wear my "Go Iran" T-shirt?" –Conan O'Brien

"A major wildfire in northern California is now being blamed on marijuana farmers. Everyone in the region's really angry about it – unless they're downwind, then they're totally cool." –Conan O'Brien

An expert panel has recommended that a medically-induced pregnancy made from three people’s DNA could begin as early as next year. So finally some good news for the Jonas Brothers. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or should I say the all-Frank beef? (mind control experiments)

Jeb is America's fourth favorite Bush — after George, the other

George, and of course, the baked beans. –Stephen Colbert

It has been rumored that Donald Trump is going to nominate his personal physician to manage the Department of Veterans Affairs, despite the fact that his doctor has no experience managing a large bureaucracy. Colbert as Trump, “Look, I can teach him everything he needs to know about managing veterans affairs: $130,000, and the veteran shuts up, all right.” --Stephen Colbert

A shocking investigation has found that after testing 75 brands of hot dogs, 2 percent of them contained human DNA. Some of those hot dogs are actually hot Dougs. The report doesn't specify the source of the human DNA. Is it hair? Is it fingernails? Did a lonely factory worker stay late one night and seduce a sausage casing machine? Could your pig in a blanket have a bun in the oven? This news completely changes America's love affair with the all-beef frank. Or should I say the all-Frank beef? –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It might even be her second worst decision (DNA kits)

“In Georgia, Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock are headed to a runoff election in December, which could decide control of the Senate. Runoff is also what Herschel does when one of his kids shows up with a DNA kit.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Turning to Pennsylvania, where John Fetterman defeated Dr. Oz, a celebrity tapped by Donald Trump. The former president is reportedly livid about Oz’s loss, screaming when the numbers came in, according to the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman. They say the last time Trump was this disappointed was when Eric was born. Haberman reported that Trump was also furious with anyone who supported Oz, including his wife Melania, calling it ‘not her best decision’. It might even be her second worst decision. Trump is so angry at Melania, they’re no longer sleeping in separate beds.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She’s my favorite Teenage Witch (the best episode of Maury Povich EVER)

The Russia investigation is heating up. I saw that if Trump’s lawyers don’t agree to a sit-down interview with Robert Mueller, he’ll issue a subpoena. Trump was like, “No problem, I love Subpoena. She’s my favorite Teenage Witch.” --Jimmy Fallon

"Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people." –Jimmy Fallon

"Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, the best episode of Maury Povich EVER." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess my bologna really does have a first name (a crisp nut-punch)

“There was plenty of talk of a so-called ‘red wave’ ahead of the midterms, but as it turns out, it wasn’t as bad as the people who make money off of fear wanted us to fear it would be. Tuesday’s results are a crisp nut-punch to Republican optimism leading up into this election. Look how confident Republicans were before the election with Donald Trump Jr. tweeting that it was going to be a ‘bloodbath!’ of Republican victories. That did not age well. Reminds me of what General Custer tweeted just before Little Bighorn: ‘This is gonna be awesome. Ow, I just got shot in the head.’” —Stephen Colbert

Researchers somewhere studied 75 brands of hot dogs and found some of them contained human DNA. I guess my bologna really does have a first name. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally a purse that matches my face (Do you kiss your brother with that mouth?)

This week Congresswoman Ilhan Omar told a reporter for the Daily Caller to f off. Seriously Ilhan, do you kiss your brother with that mouth? —Greg Gutfeld

A company claims they are coming out with leather purses made from 66 million year old dinosaur DNA. Finally a purse that matches my face said Nancy Pelosi. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the voice of reason is a stroke victim who dresses like he steals from a laundromat (You can do this already with a Zip code)

Rosie O’Donnell has left the United States and moved to Ireland. Poor Ireland, suddenly that whole Potato Famine doesn't seem so bad. Soon the Irish will be praying to St Patrick to get rid of her and bring back snakes. —Greg Gutfeld

The Democrat party’s in free fall. From the lowest level man-child to the highest level politician. There's no reason, no optimism, just insanity piled on insanity. And it’s ready to topple like a human pyramid with Joy Behar on top. —Greg Gutfeld

This might be the future of the Democratic party but it doesn't have to be. There's Senator Fetterman, once a progressive darling who is now reviled by them for approaching normalcy. You know your party’s in trouble when the voice of reason is a stroke victim who dresses like he steals from a laundromat. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or should I say the all-Frank beef? (I never said we would)

The Cubs won the World Series! The curse is lifted. For the first time in a century, Wrigley Field is covered in victory vomit. –Stephen Colbert

A shocking investigation has found that after testing 75 brands of hot dogs, 2 percent of them contained human DNA. Some of those hot dogs are actually hot Dougs. The report doesn't specify the source of the human DNA. Is it hair? Is it fingernails? Did a lonely factory worker stay late one night and seduce a sausage casing machine? Could your pig in a blanket have a bun in the oven? This news completely changes America's love affair with the all-beef frank. Or should I say the all-Frank beef?  –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess my bologna really does have a first name (I will never be sober again)

Researchers somewhere studied 75 brands of hot dogs and found some of them contained human DNA. I guess my bologna really does have a first name. –Stephen Colbert

Audience, I’m worried that once they make self-driving cars, I will never be sober again. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! (Or should I say the all-Frank beef?)

Apparently — this is being reported in the Washington Post — President Trump was showing off for his guests telling the Russians: “I get great Intel. I have people brief me on great Intel every day.” Well, yeah. You’re the president. It’s the job. It’s like the guy working the fry station saying, “You would not believe the tater tots I have access to.” –Stephen Colbert

The National Parks Service is so desperate for cash that they just announced that, for the first time, they are going to solicit corporate sponsorship. Pretty soon, those sequoias could be brought to you by Viagra. Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! –Stephen Colbert

The report doesn't specify the source of the human DNA in hot dogs. Is it hair? Is it fingernails? Did a lonely factory worker stay late one night and seduce a sausage casing machine? Could your pig in a blanket have a bun in the oven? This news completely changes America's love affair with the all-beef frank. Or should I say the all-Frank beef? –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Economists are saying a single letter hasn't caused this many problems since the letter 'Dubya.' (Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER)

"After bin Laden was killed, the FBI updated its most wanted list. So on behalf of everyone here, I just would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion." –Jimmy Fallon

"Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER." –Jimmy Fallon

"There's speculation that the 1,000-point drop in the Dow may have been sparked by a typo, where someone entered 'billion' instead of 'million' on a trading order. Economists are saying a single letter hasn't caused this many problems since the letter 'Dubya.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Runoff is also what Herschel does when one of his kids shows up with a DNA kit (they’re no longer sleeping in separate beds)

November 2022

“Democrats were riding high today, even though they probably lost the House and could still lose the Senate. It’s like, ‘Great news! We didn’t get beaten as badly as everyone expected us to!’ Tuesday’s results were less of a red wave and more of a purple-nurple. America twisted Donald Trump’s chubby little nipples into a balloon animal last night.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In Georgia, Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock are headed to a runoff election in December, which could decide control of the Senate. Runoff is also what Herschel does when one of his kids shows up with a DNA kit.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Turning to Pennsylvania, where John Fetterman defeated Dr. Oz, a celebrity tapped by Donald Trump. The former president is reportedly livid about Oz’s loss, screaming when the numbers came in, according to the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman. They say the last time Trump was this disappointed was when Eric was born. Haberman reported that Trump was also furious with anyone who supported Oz, including his wife Melania, calling it ‘not her best decision’. It might even be her second worst decision. Trump is so angry at Melania, they’re no longer sleeping in separate beds.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess my bologna really does have a first name (I'll take Things That Dictators Do for $500, Alex)

Researchers somewhere studied 75 brands of hot dogs and found

some of them contained human DNA. I guess my bologna really

does have a first name. –Stephen Colbert

But the president swears he’s not taking it easy, tweeting: “Working in Bedminster, N.J., as long-planned construction is being done at the White House. This is not a vacation — meetings and calls!” Meetings AND calls! Wow! Both of them! Trump has to do all that during his vacation? Man, I would NOT want to work for Vladimir Putin. Tough boss! –Stephen Colbert

"The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we'd be invading Chicago." –Stephen Colbert

 

He wants to build a wall just so he can bang his head against it (the DNA test he took)

Santa is bringing a stocking full of problems to Donald Trump. It has been a terrible holiday season for him. He’s facing multiple criminal investigations. He’s losing cabinet members. He lost the house, and on top of everything else the DNA test he took came back and Eric and Donald Jr. are his. --Jimmy Kimmel

Trump is so frustrated right now. He wants to build a wall just so he can bang his head against it. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

that's when the investors realized that if anything happened to him, President Bush would be in charge (in retaliation for that lawyer he shot in the face)

"How many of you have money in the stock market? Not anymore. At one point today, the market was down over 500 points. The drop started after the attempted assassination on Vice President Dick Cheney. See that's when the investors realized that if anything happened to him, President Bush would be in charge." --Jay Leno

"Today in Afghanistan, a suicide bomber blew himself up outside the main gate of the Army base where Vice President Cheney was staying. Cheney says he's fine. He's says the guy was either sent by the Taliban or by the American Bar Association in retaliation for that lawyer he shot in the face." --Jay Leno

"According to a report by this genealogist, Al Sharpton's ancestors were slaves once owned by Strom Thurmond's relatives. Now Al Sharpton wants a DNA test to see if they are related. And you know, somehow, this is going to end up that Strom Thurmond is the the father of Anna Nicole's baby." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Australian scientists have worked out when sentient life on earth started

You know the band Belle and Sebastian? Well, they accidentally left the drummer behind at a Walmart in his pajamas, with no phone or wallet. So they called Walmart to see if there was a guy wandering around in his PJs with no phone or wallet, and Walmart said, “You gotta be WAY more specific.” –Jimmy Fallon

Some white supremacists are now upset because they’re taking DNA tests and discovering they’re part black. And you know who’s even more upset? Their black ancestors. –Conan O’Brien

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Salvador Dali's body exhumed for DNA test (Bachelor in Paradise)

As you probably heard by now, this afternoon the Nevada State Parole Board unanimously voted to grant O.J. parole. He served nine years for armed robbery. O.J. Simpson, for those of you too young to remember, is the second most embarrassing person associated with the Kardashian family. Right after Scott Disick. –Jimmy Kimmel

He could be released by Oct. 1, on which date he’ll be picked up at the Lovelock Correctional Facility via helicopter and flown directly to the set of “Dancing with the Stars.” Or “Bachelor in Paradise.” Whichever one’s in production. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

two billionaires dine on fancy French cuisine (some good news for the Jonas Brothers)

Last night, Donald Trump and Mitt Romney had dinner together at an expensive restaurant in New York City called Jean-Georges. The two billionaires dined on fancy French cuisine and then talked about how out of touch Washington is. –Conan O’Brien

In the next few years, the federal government is planning to forgive $100 billion of student debt. So, congratulations to six USC grads. –Conan O’Brien

An expert panel has recommended that a medically-induced pregnancy made from three people’s DNA could begin as early as next year. So finally some good news for the Jonas Brothers. –Conan O’Brien

Facebook is shutting down (Please, please, please be yourself)

Facebook is expanding its campaign to combat online hate speech. In other words, Facebook is shutting down. –Conan O’Brien

Scientists now say life on Earth may have started after an accidental mashup between DNA and RNA. When asked for comment, Larry King said, “That was one crazy weekend, man.” –Conan O’Brien

Before tonight’s debate, President Obama told Hillary Clinton, “Be yourself.” Then Obama told Donald Trump, “Please, please, please be yourself.” –Conan O’Brien

or as the special forces refer to him, 'Next.' (George W. Bush office of Embellishment)

"Did you hear about this al-Zarqawi? They knocked him out over the weekend and al Qaeda has chosen a new leader. His name is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. Yeah, he's the new al Qaeda leader in Iraq and it's a huge step for this guy because his last job he was in charge of corporate gifting. They didn't waste any time. Zarqawi was killed and they named this Abu Hamza al-Muhajer, or as the special forces refer to him, 'Next.'" --David Letterman

"A few weeks after U.S. troops dropped two 500-pound surprises on al-Zarqawi, the White House dropped a 190-pound surprise on U.S. troops in the form of a presidential visit. Said the Iraqi prime minister to the president, 'If I knew you were coming, I'd have built an infrastructure.'" --Jon Stewart

"The FBI says it wants Zarqawi's DNA so they can compare it with samples found in other terrorist safe houses and to establish the extent of his influence. And if need be, clone him so he can be killed again closer to the midterm elections." --Jon Stewart