I've changed my mind on immigrants (Choke him out, Jeeves)

Last night was the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on CBS, and it featured models from Brazil, Sweden, and Brazil, Sweden,. Or as Donald Trump put it, “I've changed my mind on immigrants.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In his forthcoming book, Prince Harry claims that Prince William once knocked him to the floor during an argument about Meghan. Apparently the fight happened at the Buckingham Waffle Palace. It's fun when royals fight 'cause they keep their pinkies out. Harry was shocked because usually when they fight, they just stand back and tell their butlers what to do. ‘Now, perhaps a knee to the groin.’ ‘Choke him out, Jeeves.’”  —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, we tried to warn you (I count you twice)

Last night was the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on CBS, and it featured models from Brazil, Sweden, and Portugal. Or as Donald Trump put it, “I've changed my mind on immigrants.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Umpire Dale Scott recently became the first major league umpire to come out as gay. Well, he says he's out, but another ump said he was safe, so now we have to wait to see what the replay says." –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's just announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, 'Hey, we tried to warn you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville! (On the downside, he’s now banned from Victoria’s Secret)

"There are reports that several members of Congress were actually drinking last night while they were debating the bill that could have avoided the government shutdown. Which explains that one part where they said, 'The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today marked the eighth anniversary of the start of the war in Afghanistan. Dick Cheney celebrated by champagne boarding himself." --Jimmy Fallon

A man from Italy just set a Guinness World Record by putting on 13 pairs of underwear in 30 seconds. On the downside, he’s now banned from Victoria’s Secret. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Second worst (Foreplay)

“Well, after the hearing, Donald Trump said Mueller’s

performance was, quote, ‘one of the worst performances in

the history of the country.’ And then Stormy Daniels was like,

‘Second worst.’” --Jimmy Fallon

"A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. 'Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?'" –Jimmy Fallon

The International Olympic Committee is officially recognizing ultimate Frisbee, which means it might actually be in the next Olympics. They say ultimate Frisbee will be the first Olympic sport where athletes are disqualified for NOT testing positive for drugs. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So if you live in New York and you’re consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse (Calling All Wang Lords)

"New research found that people who wake up early are more productive than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it, 'Whoa — is it noon already?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. 'Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?'" –Jimmy Fallon

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill that bans powdered alcohol from the state. So if you live in New York and you’re consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse. –Jimmy Fallon

The TSA's airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the lingerie that’ll have your man saying, “Not tonight.” (His unpaid child support is also alimony)

Baseball star Bryce Harper signed a $330 Million contract with the Philadelphia Phillies, finally answering the question, how much would you have to pay someone to live in Philadelphia? --Colin Jost, SNL

In an effort to compete with Victoria’s Secret, Target has launched a new bra and underwear brand for women. It’s the lingerie that’ll have your man saying, “Not tonight.” --Colin Jost, SNL

Police in New York arrested a man who faked his own abduction and robbery to avoid paying the 50 grand he owed in a Super Bowl pool. Worse, the man just lost his job on “Empire.” --Colin Jost, SNL

R. Kelly is facing a string of financial problems including unpaid child support. Although for R. Kelly, unpaid child support is also alimony. --Michael Che, SNL

Two people in Alabama were arrested after getting into a fight at a restaurant over crab legs at a buffet. Which is coincidentally the image on the Alabama state flag. --Michael Che, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's almost as if it works or something (Oh, my balls!)

It was reported today that Martha Stewart will team up with the world's largest legal-marijuana producer to develop a new line of cannabis products. And her next cookbook is just gonna be a bunch of takeout menus stapled together. --Seth Meyers

A food-delivery man was recently arrested after allegedly dipping his testicles into a container of salsa that a customer ordered because he was only tipped 89 cents. Police became suspicious when the man yelled, "Oh, my balls! Oh! Oh, my balls! Oh, I hope someone orders hummus." --Seth Meyers

Lawmakers in North Carolina are considering a bill that would change the standard for a failing grade in public schools from anything less than 59% to anything lower than 39%. Said North Carolina students, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! 39 is less than 59?" --Seth Meyers

Victoria's Secret announced yesterday it will be closing more than 50 of its North American stores this year. "But where will I go when I want new ones?", said Leonardo DiCaprio about his girlfriends. --Seth Meyers

Republican Representative Jim Jordan claimed today that Michael Cohen is only speaking out against President Trump because he is upset he was not given a job in the White House. Because everyone knows that getting a job in the White House can be a solid source of income for weeks. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I just stuffed my turkey with a Samsung Galaxy (try on some lingerie)

Victoria’s Secret will open at 5 p.m. on Thanksgiving and stay open all the way through Black Friday. Because if there's one thing people want to do, it's stuff their faces all day, then try on some lingerie. –Jimmy Fallon

Many Americans are planning to deep-fry their turkeys this year. But to save myself some time, I just stuffed my turkey with a Samsung Galaxy. –Jimmy Fallon

the time to panic was, like, five months ago..

Donald Trump skipped an RNC event here in New York City today called the Presidential Trust Dinner, even though his campaign said he would go. Then Chris Christie said, “So, does that mean there's an extra plate at the dinner?” –Jimmy Fallon

Jeb Bush has fallen to just 3 percent in a new poll, and his numbers continue to drop. Jeb says this isn't the time to panic — because the time to panic was, like, five months ago. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on CBS, and it featured models from Brazil, Sweden, and Portugal. Or as Donald Trump put it, “I've changed my mind on immigrants.” –Jimmy Fallon

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer has a severance package that would pay her $160 million if she gets fired. Which will mark the first time somebody actually TRIES to get drunk at their office holiday party. –Jimmy Fallon