Maybe share a heartwarming story about how you two met (I said he was good with numbers)

Senator Lindsey Graham’s memorial services began in Washington on Tuesday, with President Trump appearing as one of the speakers. Come on, Donny! You guys spent so much time together. Maybe share a heartwarming story about how you two met. Maybe just say something nice about your old friend? Instead, President Trump told anecdotes about his quarrel with Graham in 2016 and shared his personal cellphone number with the millions of people that happened to be watching that particular day as I made a speech. OK, interesting choice. I might have chosen a moment that highlights Lindsey’s character, but I guess the time he got 10,000 calls from guys named ‘Mike Rotch’ and ‘Hugh Jass’ is also equally good. — Jordan Klepper

I can’t believe I have to say this to Donald Trump, but can you just lie to us? It’s a memorial; you can paint a rosier picture. I didn’t go to my Uncle Lou’s funeral and tell everyone he was the Zodiac Killer — I said he was good with numbers, you know? — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Your boot tastes delicious today, Mr President (T-Mobile’s Unlimited Talk and Treason plan)

May 2022

“There were 2,319 text messages handed over to the January 6th committee by Donald Trump’s former chief of staff, Mark Meadows. That’s a lot of messages. Luckily Meadows has T-Mobile’s Unlimited Talk and Treason plan.” —Stephen Colbert

“The messages included an exchange between Meadows and Sean Hannity, in which Meadows encouraged the Fox News host to ‘stress every vote matters’. ‘Yes sir … on it,’ Hannity responded. That is a shocking level of toadyism, even for a guy who looks like a bullfrog. But he’s just living up to the Fox News slogan: ‘We report. You decide what we should say, and by the way, your boot tastes delicious today, Mr President.’” —Stephen Colbert

“On Friday, Hannity tried to claim he wasn’t caught – he meant to have no ethics. According to Hannity, ‘I don’t claim to be a journalist. I claim to be a talkshow host … I make no apologies, I give my opinions straightforward. We even do culture, we do sports, I’m like the whole newspaper.’ Yes, Sean Hannity is just like a newspaper – out of date, bad for the planet, only relevant to people over 70, and I’d love to see a puppy poop on him.” —Stephen Colbert

“There were also messages from former Trump energy secretary Rick Perry claiming to have non-existent evidence of voter fraud. Perry denied sending the texts, though they were signed ‘Rick Perry’ and included his phone number. Why are these guys so bad at committing crimes? It’s like if the Zodiac Killer released a note that said ‘This is the Zodiac speaking. To unearth my identity solve the enclosed cipher … and return to John Evans, 1414 Hawthorne Lane. Good luck!’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why aren't we moving faster? (Oh, it’s on)

August 2021

“Donald Trump is saying he would have handled Afghanistan and the Taliban differently than Joe Biden. Does Trump think if he’s nice to the Taliban, they’ll hang out with him? [imitating Trump] ‘Great fighters, great negotiators, and great, great golfers. Abdul Ghani Baradar, horrible guy, but I saw him eagle a par five from the rough. We played in a foursome with Brooks Koepka and Bryson DeChambeau. And you wanna talk about warring factions, those two do not like each other!’” —Seth Meyers

“I mean, thank god this idiot wasn’t the chief of police in San Francisco during the Zodiac killings. [imitating Trump] ‘Bad guy, nasty guy, but you’ve got to give him credit for one thing: beautiful, beautiful penmanship.’” —Seth Meyers

“And finally, as part of their new fall menu, Starbucks has added a new drink, the apple crisp macchiato. In response, the pumpkin spice latte was like, ‘Oh, it’s on.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“In order to claim that what’s happening in Afghanistan right now came out of nowhere, you have to willfully ignore or erase 20 years of history. The Washington elite repeatedly lied about how the war was going, which is exactly what so many in the media, and especially the rightwing ghouls who got us into this mess – the Karl Roves, the John Boltons of the world – have been doing. Then there is Fox News contributor Kayleigh McEnany, who appeared on the network on Tuesday and made it clear she’s fully inhabiting an alternate reality. McEnany excoriated Biden for his handling of the withdrawal from Afghanistan and added: ‘When Trump was president, you didn’t see crisis after crisis. I shudder to think about what Covid would’ve been like under Biden.’ Well she’s right about one thing: you didn’t see crisis after crisis if you were watching Fox. More than 400,000 Americans died from Covid under Trump. Also, he got it and his rallies and White House parties were super-spreader events. Trump personally helped spread more disease to more people than a community swimming pool filled with water from the East River.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Most people just drove away when he tried showing them his vacation photos (But wait there's more!)

February 2021

On Saturday, Ted Cruz posted photos of himself handing out bottled water with the hashtag ‘Texas strong.’

“Things are so bad for Cruz, he spent today thinking about the good old days, when people just thought he was the Zodiac Killer.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Also, we’re in a pandemic. Shaking hands, handing out water, serving food? Right now a Carnival Cruise is safer than a Ted Cruz.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, it seemed like an OK gesture until everyone noticed the label on the bottle said ‘Ritz Carlton Cancún.’ A little souvenir.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yup, the photo op didn’t work out too well. Most people just drove away when he tried showing them his vacation photos.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, Cruz wanted to do more, but he had a parasailing lesson at 3, so.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”