his recent weight gain poses a significant health risk (The Hut)

“Speaking of Trump, The Washington Post suggests that his recent weight gain poses a significant health risk noting that Joe Biden kept his trim figure through a daily regimen of [expletive] his pants.” — Greg Gutfeld

“Pizza Hut has announced that they are shortening their name at least temporarily to ‘Hut.’ Meanwhile, Taco Bell is shortening its name to diarrhea.” — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Police say they have nothing to go on (Well, I'm definitely not getting laid)

There was a horrible accident in Arkansas when a portable toilet fell off a truck on the highway. Police say they have nothing to go on. —Greg Gutfeld 

A 21-year-old man reclaimed a Guinness World Record by solving a Rubik's Cube in 11 seconds while blindfolded. When asked how he planned to celebrate, he said, "Well, I'm definitely not getting laid.” —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was so excited that he accelerated to 21 miles an hour (who can afford to waste gasoline like that?)

A 93 year old man may soon become a Guinness World Record holder for being the world’s oldest truck driver. He was so excited that he accelerated to 21 miles an hour. —Kat Timpf 

Citing security concerns, President Trump switched from the new Air Force One back to the original Air Force One. It was the first time Trump has ever traded in something new for something old. —Kat Timpf   

An Indiana man was arrested for arson after he cut off his penis, poured gasoline on it and then set it on fire in his families garage. Which raises the question, who can afford to waste gasoline like that? —Kat Timpf.  

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

so in a certain way, I feel like I saved $500 million (They said it couldn’t be done but we did it)

“I’m not going to lie — I still can’t believe Mike Bloomberg spent $500 million to not be president. Now, like, I’m also not going to be the president, but I spent nothing. No, so in a certain way, I feel like I saved $500 million, yeah?” —Trevor Noah

“[As Michael Bloomberg] That’s right. We spent half a billion dollars to absolutely eat [expletive]. They said it couldn’t be done but we did it.” —Trevor Noah

I’m surprised the summit talks broke down in Vietnam. I thought Kim Jong UN and Trump had a good relationship. Even Trump said that he and Kim “Fell in Love.” I know that sounds weird but when you think about it, Kim Jong Un is totally Donald Trump's type. All of Trump’s best relationships are with people who are half his age and don’t speak English. --Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump's own personal kryptonite (Duck Season! Rabbit Season!)

Still recovering from yesterday’s Oval Office Battle Royale between Trump, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi and the corpse of Mike Pence. He looks fresh. They ice him down every night. He’s like salmon. Donald Trump is trying to put a positive spin on Donald Trump’s performance. But one person’s not buying that: that’s Donald Trump.

Because according to witnesses, Trump “Stormed out of the Oval Office and threw his briefing papers across the room.” Oh, No! Now how is he going to read his briefing? Witnesses say that Trump was mainly frustrated with Chuck Schumer saying that “His old sparring buddy got the better of him. Schumer had goaded him into it.” Schumer got Trump but using Trump's own personal kryptonite: Opening his mouth.

Trump said, “Chuck, you want to shut down the government.” Then Schumer said, No sir. You want to shut down the government.” Then Trump said, “Yes I do. Checkmate.” I have only seen negotiating that good one time before. It was between Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. “Rabbit Season! Duck Season! Rabbit Season! Rabbit Season! Duck Season!” Fire! --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They say it makes it impossible to jump (the difference between the United States and China)

Architecture critics are complaining that the new Obama presidential library has no windows. They say it makes it impossible to jump. —Greg Gutfeld

Earlier this week, Hunter Biden said that the cocaine found at the White House in 2023 was definitely not his. And he added, "If I'm lying, may God strike me with a giant bag of cocaine.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Open House Today: You Will Be Murdered (I'm going to say, about $130,000 worth)

In Philadelphia, a real estate investor says a home he was scoping out came with an unadvertised surprise. A stairway booby-trapped with a swinging knife.  To be fair, the real estate listing did say, “Open House Today: You Will Be Murdered.” --Stephen Colbert

Then, "Fox & Friends" asked the obvious follow-up: [“Fox & Friends” host] “Do you want to tell us what you got her?” [Trump clip] “Well, I better not get into that because I may get in trouble. Maybe I didn't get her so much. I'll tell you what, she has done — I got her a beautiful card.” You're a billionaire! You got your wife a card?! Do you know what she puts up with? I think she's earned a shopping spree. I'm going to say, about $130,000 worth. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's already there, it's called Congress (and five senators fell out)

"A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president." --Jay Leno

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress." –Jay Leno  6/13/2011

"Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five senators fell out." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why are you being so polite? (Now we'll never be able to screw that light bulb in)

Spencer Pratt revealed that if he's elected, he will turn the 19 room mayor's mansion into housing for single mothers. After hearing this, Bill Clinton volunteered to be in his cabinet. —Tom Shillue

Poland was alarmed by reports the Pentagon may cancel plans to deploy 4,000 troops there. A Polish spokesman said, "Now we'll never be able to screw that light bulb in.” —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s been blocked more times than Melania’s bedroom door (as high as half of our audience here right now)

Our whole lives, the strait of Hormuz has been so wide open, we didn’t even know it existed. We put Donald Trump in charge and in eight weeks, it’s been blocked more times than Melania’s bedroom door. —Jimmy Kimmel

Despite Trump’s claims otherwise, on Monday, the strait remained closed, and Trump was back to threatening annihilation, and the price of gas is as high as half of our audience here right now. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what? I always buy store-brand ketchup (groping for words)

"Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is worth $250 million. I saw him interviewed and they said, 'Mitt, how did you get so much money?" He said, "You know what? I always buy store-brand ketchup.'" –David Letterman

"Today it's 61 and foggy, like Rick Perry. But it's nice to see a guy running for President who's only groping for words." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I just put my hand over my heart (78.3 years)

"Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off. When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart." –Jay Leno

"Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news is, the average age a person has to work before they can retire is now 78.3 years." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

 

no one in the Army understands that language now (That was my idea)

"Let's not forget the disturbing news about the Middle East coming out of America. This week Bleu Copas became the 55th Arabic translator discharged under the Army's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. After being tipped off by anonymous emails investigators asked him if he had any gay friends and, this is true, if he was involved in community theater. By the way, Bleu Copas, who would have thought somebody named for a French cheese would be gay? Copas is accepting an honorable discharge but only to keep friends from being targeted. He says of his situation: 'It is unfair. It is unjust. Even with the policy we have, it should never have happened.' Sadly his protest was for naught as he made the statement in Arabic and no one in the Army understands that language now." --Jon Stewart

"Al Qaeda wasted no time in naming Zarqawi's successor and he is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. Congratulations, al-Muhajer. You're the new leader of al Qaeda in Iraq and with that comes this beautiful dinette set and a brand new Pontiac Firebird. Come on down and collect your prize. I guess we'll have to find another way to catch him. That was my idea." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

ever since the economy was ruined by . . . someone (Y'all Wild)

"A new study found that parents who only have daughters are more likely to be Republican, which I guess explains why my Dad registered as a Republican when he saw me throw a football." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is going to Haiti this weekend to deliver humanitarian aid. If there's one thing that's reassuring, it's seeing Sarah Palin above you in a helicopter." –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush’s daughter, Jenna, just put her home in Baltimore on the market for $500,000. The real estate agent said, 'I just want to warn you that offers have gone way down ever since the economy was ruined by . . . someone.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Flip This Church (they can simply move to a cheaper apartment that doesn't exist)

A woman has been charged with filing a false police report after posting that she had been kidnapped on Facebook. People grew suspicious when the woman “liked” her own kidnapping. –Conan O’Brien

"Pope Francis suspended a bishop for spending too much on home renovations. The Pope caught the bishop filming an episode of 'Flip This Church.'" –Conan O'Brien  October 2013

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thank God I'm not a taxpayer! (Why do I keep getting all these ink cartridges? Sad!)

Americans actually get to vote on which turkey Trump pardons, and I saw that the two finalists are named Peas and Carrots. When he heard they're both named after vegetables, Trump was like, "Forget it. They're both goners.” That's right. Americans can vote on which turkey gets pardoned. You can tell the turkeys want to drag it out as long as possible, 'cause today they asked if that vote could happen in Florida. --Jimmy Fallon

A new report finds that protecting Donald Trump and his family is costing New York City taxpayers over $1 million a day. Then Trump was like, “Thank God I'm not a taxpayer!” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Congress is debating if President Trump should have the power to order a nuclear strike. I guess right now, it’s an even split between “No” and “Hell, no.” They have a good plan though. They’re gonna replace the red button on his desk with the one that orders office supplies from Staples. “Why do I keep getting all these ink cartridges? Sad!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now, it all seems like a cute story until... (Alexa, Daddy’s sad)

Amazon Prime has made it possible to have beer and wine delivered to your home by Alexa. All you have to do is say the phrase, “Alexa, Daddy’s sad.” –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, a 102-year-old woman got herself arrested so she could check that off of her bucket list. Now, it all seems like a cute story until you learn that the arrest was for triple homicide. –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory. Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite funny quotes from the movie ‘Schindler's List.’” –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the second worst thing to ever happen to Abraham Lincoln (standing next to uncle Patrick for five minutes)

In Washington, D.C., yesterday, vandals spray-painted graffiti on the Lincoln Memorial. Historians are calling it the second worst thing to ever happen to Abraham Lincoln. –Conan O’Brien

A new bar in London specializes in something called "breathable booze." As we called that growing up in my house, standing next to uncle Patrick for five minutes. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

all the handmaids had new cars (you’re carrying something)

Oprah made a cameo in this week's episode of "The Handmaid's Tale." And by the end of the show, all the handmaids had new cars. --Jimmy Fallon

“Everyone is talking about the Supreme Court after they made some pretty major decisions over the last few days, and let me just sum it up for you: They basically said whether it’s a gun or a baby, you’re carrying something.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One bedroom, Zero bath starter tent (All it takes of course is a sniff)

According to the New York Times, Joe Biden himself was against trans athletes competing against women, quote "There are administration officials who believe that some transgender athletes would enjoy unfair physical advantages over women. One of the officials was Joe Biden himself." So even as demented as he was he could still tell boys from girls. All it takes of course is a sniff. —Greg Gutfeld

Of course Joe didn't say anything while in office. Perhaps because he needed Rachel Lavine on the White House softball team. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”