Maybe share a heartwarming story about how you two met (I said he was good with numbers)

Senator Lindsey Graham’s memorial services began in Washington on Tuesday, with President Trump appearing as one of the speakers. Come on, Donny! You guys spent so much time together. Maybe share a heartwarming story about how you two met. Maybe just say something nice about your old friend? Instead, President Trump told anecdotes about his quarrel with Graham in 2016 and shared his personal cellphone number with the millions of people that happened to be watching that particular day as I made a speech. OK, interesting choice. I might have chosen a moment that highlights Lindsey’s character, but I guess the time he got 10,000 calls from guys named ‘Mike Rotch’ and ‘Hugh Jass’ is also equally good. — Jordan Klepper

I can’t believe I have to say this to Donald Trump, but can you just lie to us? It’s a memorial; you can paint a rosier picture. I didn’t go to my Uncle Lou’s funeral and tell everyone he was the Zodiac Killer — I said he was good with numbers, you know? — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a lot of people didn’t like him, but at least he was bad at golf (wondering when the jokes were gonna start)

President Trump’s had a rough reception at this past weekend’s dinner where his comedy routine was universally ridiculed. Even the crickets in attendance sat quietly wondering when the jokes were gonna start. —Seth Meyers 

This week also saw the funeral of Lindsey Graham, where Trump was seen struggling to keep his eyes open. He looks like me after I’ve had three White Claws at the beach. —Seth Meyers 

“During his eulogy yesterday at Senator Lindsey Graham’s funeral, President Trump said that virtually everyone in both political parties liked Graham and added, ‘Well, not everybody.’ Amazing. The one time where it’s perfectly acceptable to lie a little bit and he decides to tell the truth: ‘[imitating Trump] Lindsey, a lot of people didn’t like him, but at least he was bad at golf.’” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump barely knew Jeffrey Epstein (they all learned how to make a campfire with their minds)

Kids in New Jersey recently fell ill after eating chocolate laced with mushrooms, it was also the day they all learned how to make a campfire with their minds. —Seth Meyers

Starbucks has also entered into a new deal with Delta Air Lines, which plans to reward members with one sky mile for every dollar spent. Do you know how much coffee you’d have to drink to get a free trip? You wouldn’t need a plane. —Seth Meyers

“President Trump was set to speak today at the late Senator Lindsey Graham’s funeral service. Oh, I’m sure that went great: ‘[imitating Trump] I know if he were here now he’d say, The 2020 election had massive voting irregularities and Trump barely knew Jeffrey Epstein.’” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there was no grieving widow (explosive diarrhea value menu)

Today was Senator Lindsey Graham's funeral. Many luminaries showed up. But Joe Biden's son, Hunter, didn't show up because after all, there was no grieving widow. —Greg Gutfeld 

Taco Bell has been tied to Cyclospora outbreaks in four more states. Not to be outdone, Chipotle has announced a new explosive diarrhea value menu. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ll be honest, I’m starting to regret voting for him three times (It’s a whole different person!)

“Remember when Trump said that this was a little excursion in Iran was just going to last a few weeks? That was four months ago. I’ll be honest, I’m starting to regret voting for him three times.” —Ike Barinholtz 

The big political story today is that we officially have a replacement for Lindsey Graham in the Senate, and it’s Lindsey Graham’s sister, which is very confusing because I always thought Lindsey Graham was Lindsey Graham’s sister. It’s a whole different person! —Ike Barinholtz 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm just going to keep saying this (plus 36 weeks vacation time)

Senator Lindsey Graham has died. When asked by a news host whether we know the full story about his death, Trump said: “Well, I think we do. We have great doctors and they talked about, you know, a certain part of his body literally blew up.” It’s actually a fairly common cause of death. We all remember when Queen Elizabeth II died after her vagina went boom. —Michael Kosta 

Shortly after Lindsey  Graham’s passing, it was announced that his sister Darline Graham would be his interim replacement in the Senate. A Senate seat? That’s an inheritance jackpot! Most people just get a garage full of damp boxes. —Michael Kosta

Darline Graham’s qualifications differ from those normally expected of Senate members, with a job history that has focused on government agencies helping the blind. She is currently president-elect of the national council of state agencies to the blind. If anything, she’s overqualified. I’m worried she’ll make the other senators look bad, which would be embarrassing for the ones who know where they are right now. —Michael Kosta

Let’s move on, because Lindsey’s sister will have her work cut out for her for the next five months, plus 36 weeks vacation time. —Michael Kosta

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's between me and the emergency room doctor (rambling morons)

Senator Lindsey Graham recently said that the bubble wand that he was photographed holding at Disney World was not his. When asked where it went, Graham said, “That's between me and the emergency room doctor.” —Greg Gutfeld

War Secretary Pete Hegseth was grilled for hours by rambling morons. Asked how he stayed so calm, he said he'd already survived a three-year tour of duty on Fox and Friends. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So far, he's declared war on only six of the countries in Epcot Center (they had a layover in Atlanta)

Lindsey Graham was spotted vacationing at Disney World in Florida amid the government shutdown. So far, he's declared war on only six of the countries in Epcot Center. —Tom Shillue

NASA's Artemis II rocket just escaped Earth's gravitational pole and is on its way to the moon. Yeah, it would have made it there sooner, but they had a layover in Atlanta. —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

teach students to count to 84 (win-win)

Trump supporters are planning a huge MAGA takeover of Disneyland on the same date as the gay days celebration, or as Lindsey Graham calls it, a win-win. —Greg Gutfeld  

Yesterday was the 84th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. To commemorate the event, our nation's high schools will teach students to count to 84. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Dude, it was crazy. He roasted a whole pig and we played beer bong (birth pangs)

"But as some see mayhem and chaos in the violence, Condoleezza Rice sees chaos and makes 'mayhemade' [on screen: Rice saying, 'What we're seeing here, in a sense, is the growing birth pangs of a new Middle East']. Birth pangs? Yes, I believe today's contraction took out a city block." --Jon Stewart

"But I guess the only solace for the Democrats is that the Republican challengers McCain and Huckabee are also still locked in a battle to the finish [on screen: CNN's Dana Bash saying, 'I'm Dana Bash in Sedona, Arizona. John McCain, he's here this weekend. We just got back from a barbecue at his house. He had a gas grill going. He was barbecuing baby back ribs']. Dude, it was crazy. He roasted a whole pig and we played beer bong. Then Lindsey Graham jumped in the pool with his clothes on. He's nuts." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He says he will stay out of the public eye by continuing to make movies (monkeys are still on the loose in South Carolina)

Thirteen monkeys are still on the loose in South Carolina after a dramatic escape last week week from a research facility. In a related story, Lindsey Graham has come down with monkeypox. —Greg Gutfeld

George Clooney is taking a step back from politics after being blamed for Kamala Harris’s loss. He says he will stay out of the public eye by continuing to make movies. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What’s the difference between Lindsey Graham and a book? (a side of ranch and a bag of croutons)

Perhaps unsurprisingly, women are voting early at higher rates than men. Women are getting out there and getting it done! Of course, men plan to vote at 6.45 on election night and show up with a gift they obviously bought at the gas station. —Stephen Colbert

“What’s the difference between Lindsey Graham and a book? Books have spines.” —Stephen Colbert 

“So right off the bat, we got the lay of the land — another manicured platform for Kamala Harris to blurt out her now legendary word salads. I mean, this woman ought to come to every event with a side of ranch and a bag of croutons.” — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like choosing to be slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow (Sup, doc?)

The U.K. just appointed a “Minister of Loneliness,” as if Morrissey isn’t enough. --Jimmy Fallon

The Iowa caucuses are coming up and yesterday, Lindsey Graham criticized Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and said choosing between them is like having to choose between being shot or poisoned. Graham said supporting Jeb Bush is like choosing to be slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week near the Texas/Mexico border, authorities say they found a shipment of over a ton of marijuana that was disguised to look like carrots. Which explains why Bugs Bunny is now like, "Sup, doc?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You realize you're exhausted from watching other men play sports? (It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline)

Did you see that baseball game last night? 14 innings. It was the

second-longest game in World Series history, it was brutal. I'm

exhausted. My wife said to me this morning, “You realize you're

exhausted from watching other men play sports?”

–Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approved a new ceiling

for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt

was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit,

so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not

million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more

than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt

to every single American, including kids. In other words, the

government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it

all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married

to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He is going to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters (What the P stands for)

"George W. Bush's nephew, George P. Bush, is running for office in Texas. He says P stands for 'Pretend you've never heard the name George W. Bush." –Conan O'Brien

 "Today former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. He is going to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he's still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, 'I now have six free hours a day I don't know what to do with.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Great, now I have to worry about leaving my brain in the couch (slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow)

Experts at this week's world economic forum said that in the future, cell phones will likely be tiny computer chips implanted in our brains. Great, now I have to worry about leaving my brain in the couch. –Jimmy Fallon

"We have Mitt Romney on the show tonight. We made him our first guest – you know, because he's still a little sensitive about coming in second." –Jimmy Fallon

The Iowa caucuses are coming up and yesterday, Lindsey Graham criticized Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and said choosing between them is like having to choose between being shot or poisoned. Graham said supporting Jeb Bush is like choosing to be slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow. –Jimmy Fallon

This morning, Twitter went down for almost three hours. It wasn’t good — in fact, I heard Donald Trump actually had to FAX his insults to people. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, this place looks exactly like Earth (Where do they come up with this stuff?)

Donald Trump was in Moon Township, Pennsylvania. When he got to Moon Township, he was like, “Wow, this place looks exactly like Earth.” --Jimmy Fallon

"London's famous Globe Theatre announced plans to perform Shakespeare's play 'Hamlet' in North Korea. Of course, 'Hamlet' is about a man on a murderous revenge mission inspired by his late father. Then Kim Jong Un said, 'Where do they come up with this stuff?'" –Jimmy Fallon

The blizzard is also supposed to hit Washington, D.C. You know it’s cold outside when the Washington Monument actually shrinks about 40 feet. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Did Russia just pee on our drone? (funneling crack into their neighborhoods)

March 2023

“A Russian fighter jet collided with a US drone this week. They didn’t even leave a note on the windshield. The incident involved the fighter jet ‘dumping fuel’ on the drone. Did Russia just pee on our drone?” —Stephen Colbert

“Lindsey Graham used the incident as an opportunity to criticize Joe Biden, suggesting he was too lenient and wondering what Ronald Reagan would do if he were in charge right now. He would take Russia down by funneling crack into their neighborhoods.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he needs to think of higher-paying jobs like being an art thief or being Beyoncé (he just closed the case himself)

November 2022

“Herschel Walker is running neck and neck with the incumbent Democrat Raphael Warnock in the Georgia Senate runoff. Republicans have been pulling out all the stops and Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham have spent more time with him than he spent with all of his children combined.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Mike Lindell, the MyPillow chief who has thrown his tin foil hat into the ring to become the new head of the RNC but who has the tendency to make big announcements that never pan out. You do have to admire his crack-headed optimism, but he is being sued for $1.3 Billion by Dominion and is almost certainly gonna lose so he needs to think of higher-paying jobs like being an art thief or being Beyoncé.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump is bigly upset about the investigation into classified documents he took and his part in the January 6th insurrection and is blaming special counsel Jack Smith in a recent online rant. In the same rant, though, he also admitted to taking the documents ‘openly and transparently’. This isn’t a defense, it’s a confession, and maybe we don’t need a special counsel – he just closed the case himself.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is their black magic, and it doesn't work without you (grand theft nacho)

October 2022

“The host then checked in on a tight Senate race in Ohio between Tim Ryan and Republican JD Vance, the Hillbilly Elegy author who shifted from Trump critic to acolyte for his endorsement – so much so that Trump said at a rally last month, ‘JD is kissing my ass, he wants my support so much.’ JD, if you want to do that, you’re going to have to squeeze in next to Lindsey Graham. Those two are like a couple of puppies fighting over a teat.” —Stephen Colbert

“In a recent debate, no one made JD Vance look more out of touch than JD Vance. Just look at Vance’s comments on federal decriminalization of marijuana: ‘We have to be careful here not to be soft on crime, because a lot of times you’ll hear somebody thrown in prison for smoking a joint. If you look at the underlying charge, you’ll see that it wasn’t just that they smoked a joint. It’s that they smoked a joint and beat an elderly woman over the head with a pistol.’ Oh yeah, a lot of times you read that. I read that every day! I mean, marijuana famously leads to all kinds of violent crime – grand theft nacho, reckless engigglement, conspiracy to commit to a whole season of Planet Earth.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”