but you can only get it on your birthday (So my soulmate is out there)

Researchers at Stanford have successfully used AI to create new viruses. But wait, that's my job, said Dr. Fauci. —Greg Gutfeld 

While selling a product to viewers, instead of saying the name blowout, the QVC host accidentally said blow***. Yeah. Men could still order it, but you can only get it on your birthday. –Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The senators were angry that he wasted their whole day when they could have been doing nothing (she can now do math)

So, a Senate committee voted to hold Anthony Fauci in contempt for taking the fifth more than a hundred times. The senators were angry that he wasted their whole day when they could have been doing nothing. —Greg Gutfeld

A woman is suing for $10 million after a player's bat flew into the stands at Yankee Stadium and struck her in the head. Doctors say the woman was hit so hard she can now do math. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think the real news is that he has a thesaurus (pinning the war on Dr. Fauci)

President Trump held a cabinet meeting at Camp David on Friday, where he discussed the war in Iran. I’m not saying that they’re out of ideas, but the best option they came up with was pinning the war on Dr. Fauci. — Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, on Saturday, Trump announced that he called off strikes on Iran because the ‘perimeters of a deal’ had been agreed to. Yeah, a couple of months ago, he had the outline of a deal, and before that, he had the framework of a deal. I think the real news is that he has a thesaurus.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have very low self-esteem (deviled eggs)

With Anthony Fauci facing a Senate hearing this week. Trump has claimed that Joe Biden called him to tell him he was no good. This is obviously a lie because if you called Joe Biden, you’d still be on the phone right now. —Seth Meyers 

Senator Rand Paul released more than 1,000 pages from Dr. Anthony S. Fauci’s Covid-era diary as part of a Senate investigation into the former top government scientist’s role in the pandemic response on Wednesday. The entries highlighted Fauci’s astonishment at his newfound fame in 2020. Are we supposed to be surprised that Fauci wrote about being called sexier than Tyra Banks? If someone called me sexier than Tyra Banks, I’d write that in my diary. You know what, I’d write about being called sexier than Carlton Banks. I might even write about being compared favorably to a Bank of America. I have very low self-esteem. — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If we could start calling it bribery instead of lobbying... (You press a button and it pleads the fifth)

So, a photo shows Democrat Senate candidate James Talarico playing with an Anthony Fauci action figure. Yeah, there's an actual Fauci action figure. You press a button and it pleads the fifth. —Greg Gutfeld 

After Door Dash just launched a drone delivery program, New Jersey thought they were under attack by Iran, but it was just hundreds of pizzas being delivered to Chris Christie. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fauci’s gain of function virus research led to a catastrophic disaster (he sent his final meal back four times)

Of course, many experts believe Dr. Fauci’s gain of function virus research led to a catastrophic disaster. And they're right. President Joe Biden. —Greg Gutfeld  

Florida just executed two inmates. One was 80 years old. You knew he was 80 because he sent his final meal back four times. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, I can solve that problem (I have $3)

According to a new book, when in college, Bernie Sanders built his own super orgasm machine. The evidence, his hair. It makes sense. —Greg Gutfeld

The oldest New York City resident has died at the age of 113. Her last words, "Get out of my room, Mr. Cuomo.” —Greg Gutfeld

According to the CDC, a US life expectancy hit an all-time high in 2024. "Well, I can solve that problem," said Anthony Fauci. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

deliberately maligning the upper class (In Trump's defense there's nothing in the bill about The View)

Pride month is still underway which means in New York City all chalk body outlines will feature jazz hands. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump and Elon Musk are feuding after Elon called the big beautiful bill a mountain of disgusting pork. In Trump's defense there's nothing in the bill about The View. —Greg Gutfeld

Chinese scientists who allegedly smuggled a deadly fungus into America will remain in us custody. Anthony Fauci has already posted their bail. —Greg Gutfeld

Zimbabwe is considering killing dozens of elephants and distributing the meat to its people. Coincidentally the State Department is warning Joy Behar to avoid Zimbabwe. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which means he now needs Cialis when he needs to wax off (the Master's Tools)

A highly infectious new Covid-19 strain from China has spread to the U.S. To prevent massive death people are advised to ignore Anthony Fauci. —Greg Gutfeld

Karate Kid Legends opens in theaters today and it features the original Karate Kid Daniel LaRusso, which means he now needs Cialis when he needs to wax off. —Greg Gutfeld

Sydney Sweeney is now selling bars of soap made out of her own bath water. This means now teenage boys will start swearing on purpose. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But what if it’s our anniversary? (Trump is now down to just one adviser)

At a campaign event in Wisconsin yesterday, a 16-year-old boy threw an egg at Donald Trump but missed. And I can’t quite explain it, but somehow it hit Jeb Bush. –Seth Meyers

“Dr. Fauci said he doesn’t think that we should ever shake hands again. ‘But what if it’s our anniversary?’ asked Mike Pence.” —Seth Meyers

President Trump's chief economic adviser Gary Cohn announced his resignation yesterday, which means Trump is now down [photo of Magic 8-Ball] to just one adviser. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester (Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game)

"You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester." –David Letterman

"Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So long, Nadia. We'll miss your characteristics that you probably have (examples of intelligence and leadership)

According to reports, two of Donald Trump's children will not be able to vote at New York's primary because they failed to register before the deadline. So I guess you just lost two votes, Ted Cruz. –Seth Meyers

The White House said today that deputy national security adviser Nadia Schadlow is resigning. This is how bad it's getting in the Trump administration; the first time you even hear somebody's name is when they resign. “So long, Nadia. We'll miss your characteristics that you probably have.” --Seth Meyers

"France has passed new legislation that makes it illegal to work after 6 p.m. They're hoping to encourage workers to spend more time with their mistresses." –Seth Meyers

“Dr. Fauci said he doesn’t think that we should ever shake hands again. ‘But what if it’s our anniversary?’ asked Mike Pence.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's only five points away from Trump calling it rigged (How do I flush a 60-pound goldfish?)

November 2022

“Meanwhile, today President Biden got his Thanksgiving vacation started in Nantucket. Yep, Biden just landed in Massachusetts for Thanksgiving. And this time he took Air Force One instead of the Mayflower.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Recent polling shows that Florida governor Ron DeSantis is closing the gap in a hypothetical 2024 matchup with former president Trump. This is how close DeSantis is. He's only five points away from Trump calling it rigged.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Dr. Fauci gave his final White House briefing before his retirement. He was like, ‘This is my last day, so if you want to inject bleach, go nuts.’ Yep, Dr. Fauci is 81 years old. Today, Biden was like, ‘Congrats on your early retirement.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“I heard about a British fisherman caught a goldfish that was over 60 pounds. The goldfish was like, ‘So I went a little overboard on Thanksgiving, okay? What, everyone's a judge?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Right now the guy has an even bigger problem. He's like, ‘How do I flush a 60-pound goldfish?’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s like running a triathlon with no problems and then throwing your back out petting a dog (the coyote caught the roadrunner)

June 2022

“Dr. Anthony Fauci tested positive yesterday for a breakthrough case of the coronavirus. Wow, Fauci is like Covid’s final boss. This is — this is like hearing that the coyote caught the roadrunner.” —Seth Meyers

“Also, you caught it now? You made it through all that time in the maskless Trump White House and you caught it now? That’s like running a triathlon with no problems and then throwing your back out petting a dog.” —Seth Meyers

“That’s right, Dr. Fauci has Covid, which feels a little like finding out Smokey Bear got trapped in a forest fire.” —Trevor Noah

“I will say though, what a big moment for Covid as well, huh? To finally infect Dr. Anthony Fauci? I bet Covid was really star-struck when it got in his body.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which is kinda like saying the Hindenburg experienced a flight delay (Oh good, you’re all caught up)

May 2022

“The Pennsylvania GOP Senate race, a battle royale between the hedge fund executive Dave McCormick, TV doctor Mehmet Oz, and former radio talkshow host Kathy Barnette. Oz, the candidate backed by Donald Trump, reminded voters on the eve of the primary that the former president had called him ‘smart and tough’. Because there is nothing more impressive than being called smart by a man who stared directly at an eclipse.” —Stephen Colbert

“There are reports that Joe Biden, who was first elected to the Senate in 1973, has told aides in private that he no longer recognizes the Republican party and views them as an existential threat to democracy. Oh good, you’re all caught up. This is like when you watch three episodes of a show and you have to wait for your partner to watch them before you can move to episode four.” —Seth Meyers

In a new interview, Dr. Anthony Fauci criticized the Trump administration’s handling of the pandemic, saying it ‘wasn’t optimal’, which is kinda like saying the Hindenburg experienced a flight delay.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All we hear is ‘Party time!’ (Lesser of Two Evils)

April 2022

“Finally, let’s talk about Covid-19, the only one of us that has seen Kamala Harris in like three months.” —Trevor Noah

“But Dr. Fauci warned the virus cannot be stamped out completely. The country may be totally over it, but it’s somehow still hanging around. Basically it’s like ‘American Idol.’” —James Corden

“Dr. Fauci has said that America is currently not in a ‘pandemic phase,’ as in: not a pandemic right now but it’s not over. It could come back. But as much as you want to get angry at people, here’s the thing: Dr Fauci, how do you not know by now how stupid people are? We’re all stupid. You can’t just say ‘Oh, pandemic phase is over!’ All we hear is ‘Party time!’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey! What’s that word mean? (What really bothers them...)

January 2022

During a senate committee hearing Dr. Anthony Fauci was heard on a hot mic calling senator Roger Marshall a moron. Replied Marshall, ‘Hey! What’s that word mean?’ —Colin Jost

Delta Airlines said that this winter’s Covid surge cost them more than $400 in cancelled flights after 8,000 employees caught the coronavirus. Which would never happen to Spirit Airlines employees, because when you fly Spirit, they keep the windows open. —Colin Jost

Well, just like everyone else, President Biden’s New Year’s resolution feel apart in the third week in January. The Supreme Court struck down his vaccine mandate, the voting rights bill got blocked and his approval rating is so low it has gone into power save mode. But I will point out that there was another president who had a disastrous start to his first term, yet he became an inspiration to generations of republicans even to this day. I’m talking, of course, about Jefferson Davis. President of the confederacy, and there are still statues of him in ten states. Which, come to think of it, probably explain why the voting rights stuff isn’t working out. The bottom line is, I think Biden just needs more time. He might be more of an acquired taste. And unfortunately, most Americans recently lost their sense of taste. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

on the way home hug a hobo (drunk me vs sober me)

January 2022

“If this pandemic were a movie, it would be Tenet. It’s impossible to understand, and I just wish it would end, which turns out is the beginning.” —Stephen Colbert

“The host also reacted to a subtle shift in public health messaging in recent days, as the US reached record numbers of Covid infections: They’re trying to make us get used to all of this. Dr. Fauci testified on Omicron’s transmissibility on Tuesday: ‘Omicron will infect just about everybody.’ Do you hear that? Being attacked for two years has clearly broken Dr Fauci. (imitating Fauci) ‘Rip off your mask, go to hot yoga, on the way home hug a hobo – I don’t give a vaccinated crap. We’re all doomed.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Dr. Fauci also said that those who have been vaccinated will ‘very likely, with some exceptions, do reasonably well’. There are certain things I don’t want to equivocate on. My life is one of them. You don’t want to hear a skydiving instructor say, ‘Jump from the plane! You will very likely, with some exceptions, do reasonably well.’ According to experts, unvaccinated people are 10 times likelier to be infected with Omicron and 20 times likelier to die. They’re also 50 times likelier to start a fight with a Kroger employee because the Mexican food aisle is in Spanish.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

Those aren’t mine. I’m just holding them for my friend, Tony Fauci (trusted epidemiologist Dr. Dre)

January 2022

“Great news for all the teenagers whose parents find weed in their room: ‘Oh, Mom, I see you found the Covid-stopping compounds that I hid in my sock drawer. Those aren’t mine. no, no. Those aren’t mine. I’m just holding them for my friend, Tony Fauci.’” —Stephen Colbert

“In other words, the pot enters the body and asks Covid, ‘Are you a cell? You have to tell me if you’re a cell.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Now, if you’re skeptical about the science here, let me remind you, this study has been reviewed by the C.D.C.’s stoner nephew the THC.” —Stephen Colbert

“Now, technically, these are compounds that have to be extracted from the plant and not smoked. But there’s anecdotal support for the Covid-fighting properties of weed itself, because as of today — and this is true — three people who have yet to get Covid are Seth Rogen, Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg. That’s why Snoop’s teaming up again with trusted epidemiologist Dr. Dre for their new album, ‘The Omichronic.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess you don’t have to wear protection when you go **** yourself (Did someone say Open Bar?)

December 2021

“Given fears about transmissibility of the variant, which is still poorly understood, New York City mayor Bill de Blasio this week unveiled the nation’s first vaccine mandate for private companies, which will apply to 184,000 businesses. That’s the full range of New York businesses, from Famous Original Ray’s Pizza, to Original Ray’s Famous Pizza Ray. De Blasio also imposed proof of vaccination requirements for all kids between the ages of 5 and 11 entering restaurants, theaters and gyms. That’s great, we’ve got to make it safe for our 6-year-olds to hit the leg press.” —Stephen Colbert

“Still, the only thing spreading faster than Omicron is misinformation from conservatives. Georgia representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, tweeted over the weekend: ‘Every single year more than 600,000 people in the US die from cancer. The country has never once shut down. Not a single school has closed.’ Because cancer is not contagious, you nimrod. That’s like comparing apples and oranges to cancer.” —Stephen Colbert

“Marjorie Taylor Greene wasn’t the only GOP lawmaker to sow doubt over the legitimacy of a virus variant. On Fox News host Brian Kilmeade’s radio show last week, Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson said: ‘Fauci did the exact same thing with Aids. He overhyped it.’ Yes, Aids: the pandemic the federal government famously took too seriously. Well, if Aids was overhyped, Senator Johnson, then I guess you don’t have to wear protection when you go fuck yourself.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”