Oh? I thought you worked for Donald Trump? (sharing chocolate cake with Xi Jinping and Kid Rock)

The good news is Michael Cohen isn’t under Trump’s teeny, tiny thumb anymore, telling the court, “This may seem hard to believe, but today is one of the most meaningful days of my life. I have been living in a personal and mental incarceration ever since the fateful day that I accepted the offer to work for a real estate mogul whose business acumen that I greatly admired.”

Oh? I thought you worked for Donald Trump? Michael Cohen also said, “The irony is today is the day that I am getting my freedom back.” Actually, the irony is that while you are in prison for your crimes, the guy who ordered you to do the crimes will be at Mar-a-Lago sharing chocolate cake with Xi Jinping and Kid Rock. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A pretty good deal! (We beg to differ)

This week, President Trump traveled 14,000 miles, a round trip to China, for a 48-hour summit, which historians are already calling, "Could have been an email.” —Colin Jost

President Trump arrived in China, but instead of Xi Jinping, he was greeted by the country's vice president, Han Zheng -- or, as Trump called him, Xi Jinping. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Things you were probably doing already (This factory is terrible)

"The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I'm worried it'll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, 'This factory is terrible.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For you, that’s pretty good! That’s one of your best performances yet (President Steal Your Girl)

“President Biden and Chinese President Xi Jinping agreed yesterday to re-establish military communications. It’s what Biden is calling the greatest U.S.-China collaboration since ‘Rush Hour.’” — Seth Meyers

“Biden wished President Xi’s wife a happy birthday, and President Xi was reportedly embarrassed because he had forgotten about his wife’s birthday. And that’s why we call him ‘President Steal Your Girl.’” — Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump’s Media and Technology Group, has demanded an apology and retraction of my jokes earlier in the week about Truth Social losing $73m. The letter calls the figure “defamatory” and cites an SEC filing from June 2023 stating that the company actually lost $31.6m since its launch. In other words, in fairness, Truth Social isn’t a colossal failure. It’s only an abysmal failure. And I would like to do the right thing and congratulate our balloon animal former president and his company on only losing $31.6 million. For you, that’s pretty good! That’s one of your best performances yet. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The master's tools will never dismantle the master's house (Of course, my favorite, plan double-D/This factory is terrible)

Over the weekend, a man in Kentucky caught a 20-pound goldfish. The hard part will be flushing it down the toilet when it dies. Get the plunger. --Jimmy Fallon

But President Trump's got a lot going on. In the Oval Office today, he was asked if he had a backup plan if Venezuela's president doesn't step down. A reporter asked Trump, “If President Maduro stays in power, do you have a plan "B"?” Donald Trump, “I always have plan "B" and "C" and "D" and "E" and "F." Fallon as Trump, “We got Plan G. Preparation H. Of course, my favorite, plan double-D." --Jimmy Fallon

"Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I'm worried it'll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, 'This factory is terrible.'" –Jimmy Fallon

And tomorrow, Auntie Anne's is offering a special on heart-shaped pretzels. That's a great deal for all you hopeless romantics taking your dates to LaGuardia. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Congratulations! You're a card carrying socialist! (In the man’s defense, he was on a lot of meth)

Today, Chinese president Xi Jinping gave his first public statements since the tariffs ramped up and described the escalating conflict between the U.S. and China as a “stupid idea and disastrous act.” It’s not an act, sir. Trump really is that stupid. --Stephen Colbert

A man in Wisconsin went to the police department to claim a backpack that he had left in a library. But the man was immediately arrested because that backpack was filled with meth. Now I know it sounds stupid to go to the police station to pick up your meth, right. In the man’s defense, he was on a lot of meth. --James Corden

39% of Democrats say Joe Biden is their top choice in a way it's good that Biden is the front-runner since it's safer to have him in front of you than behind you. --Samantha Bee

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh? I thought you worked for Donald Trump? (Be More Civil...like me)

The good news is Michael Cohen isn’t under Trump’s teeny, tiny thumb anymore, telling the court, “This may seem hard to believe, but today is one of the most meaningful days of my life. I have been living in a personal and mental incarceration ever since the fateful day that I accepted the offer to work for a real estate mogul whose business acumen that I greatly admired.” 

Oh? I thought you worked for Donald Trump? Michael Cohen also said, “The irony is today is the day that I am getting my freedom back.” Actually, the irony is that while you are in prison for your crimes, the guy who ordered you to do the crimes will be at Mar-a-Lago sharing chocolate cake with Xi Jinping and Kid Rock. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Maybe we'll give that a shot someday ("Nah, I'm good," said Melania)

According to The New York Times, following news that China's President Xi Jinping is now president for life, President Trump jokingly told donors this weekend, "Maybe we'll give that a shot someday." That's great, but first, why not try being president for a full week? --Seth Meyers

A new study has found that when romantic partners hold hands while in pain, their brain waves can sync and decrease that pain. "Nah, I'm good," said Melania. --Seth Meyers

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

easily the most scandalous thing to happen in a mall that didn’t involve Roy Moore (Thank you, me)

You might remember that while he was in China, Trump asked China’s President Xi Jinping to release three UCLA players who had been arrested for shoplifting from a Chinese mall — easily the most scandalous thing to happen in a mall that didn’t involve Roy Moore. –Stephen Colbert

Trump couldn’t resist tweeting, “Do you think the three UCLA basketball players will say thank you President Trump?” Imagine Thanksgiving at the Trump house: “Let’s go around the table and all say what we’re thankful to me for. I’ll start. Thank you, me.” –Stephen Colbert

Trump also took a shot at Arizona Sen. Jeff Flake. Flake was caught on camera dissing his own party, saying, “If we become the party of Roy Moore and Donald Trump, we are toast.” Sen. Flake, that’s a little too hard on toast. –Stephen Colbert

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

How did you get the Mongols to pay for it? (I take money from lobbyists)

"The Democrats were in Chicago this weekend for a debate at the YearlyKos Convention. The YearlyKos, of course, is the annual convention of bloggers and other online activists dedicated to furthering progressive causes. 

It is not to be confused with the yearly Cos Festival celebrating the life and works of Bill Cosby. Would the candidates speak the Kos-overs' language? 

[on screen: John Edwards saying he and Barack Obama will not take donations from lobbyists]. Yeah, no more money from Washington lobbyists! If you agree, hit the donate button on your site. 

Hillary? [on screen: HRC saying she will continue to take money from lobbyists, but will not be influenced by them.] 

So, basically, Hillary Clinton's point is yes, I take money from lobbyists because they're real people with real needs, but don't worry, I don't listen to them." --Jon Stewart

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Can you name that person standing next to you? (Let's Eat the Middle Class)

President Trump declined to take questions from reporters following his joint statement today with Chinese President Xi, making him the first president to do so in decades. I guess he was afraid someone would ask the dreaded question, “Can you name that person standing next to you?” –Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, a generic Democratic opponent would beat President Trump by 10 points in 2020 election. Yeah, the generics do great. It’s the name brands [shows photo of Hillary] who have trouble. –Seth Meyers

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I am loving some of these purchases you are making (Not a Gun Situation)

President Trump continues his diplomatic tour through Asia. Yesterday, in a joint appearance with Chinese President Xi Jinping, Trump gave China “great credit for taking advantage of the United States in trade negotiations.” Sounds like someone is looking for a new country to help him rig the next election. –James Corden

He said China took advantage of the United States, but then he gives China great credit for it. That’s like someone stealing your bank card and you going, “What the hell! Although, I am loving some of these purchases you are making.” –James Corden

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Hillary watched a Knicks game just to rub it in (NoKo)

President Trump tweeted today that, quote, "NoKo has interpreted America's past restraint as weakness. This would be a fatal miscalculation. Do not underestimate us and do not try us." Strong words — except for NoKo. You're trying to talk about an existential threat to the world. Don't make it sound like a cool New York neighborhood. –Seth Meyers

President Trump and first lady Melania attended an opera performance with Chinese President Xi and his wife today in Beijing’s Forbidden City. Man, it makes me so happy to know that Trump had to sit and suffer through a Chinese opera tonight. That is his nightmare. I really hope Hillary's backstage right now living the life he wants to be living, eating a Big Mac and watching a Knicks game just to rub it in. –Seth Meyers

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

down from their current level of "infinite."

On Friday, despite our trade wars, tension in the South China Sea, and Chinese hacking attacks, President Obama gave President Xi Jinping a full South Lawn welcome, where the Chinese president greeted every White House staffer by name and bank account. –Stephen Colbert

The president of China announced an agreement today aimed at limiting greenhouse gas emissions. Yes, China is limiting their greenhouse gas emissions, bringing them down from their current level of "infinite." –Stephen Colbert

Because the only other NBC person we have is Bill Cosby

"There's a rumor that NBC is going to have Tom Brokaw fill in temporarily as the NBC News anchor. When asked why, a network spokesperson said, 'Because the only other NBC person we have is Bill Cosby.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I'm worried it'll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, 'This factory is terrible.'" –Jimmy Fallon