they’re never going to assimilate into our culture (it should be at least downgraded to whatever Guam is)

“Look, we don’t always see eye to eye, but Don Jr. is right, OK? Politics aside, Ohio should not be a state. It’s going to change the demographics of this country, and they’re never going to assimilate into our culture.” — Ronny Chieng, referring to Donald Trump Jr. saying that Democrats want to “make Ohio a state.”

“Also, once a state gives us JD Vance and Vivek Ramaswamy, it should be at least downgraded to whatever Guam is.” — Ronny Chieng

“You know, maybe Eric isn’t the dumb son.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Are you going to get to that, or just more water stuff? (rating men’s bodies)

During a rally in South Carolina on Wednesday, President Trump again floated the idea of renaming either the Pacific or Atlantic as “Trump Ocean” or “Ocean of the Americas.” I mean, you got to think at least one person in the audience is like, ‘Hey, yo, I can’t afford food. Are you going to get to that, or just more water stuff?’ —Ronny Chieng

“But you know what? I will say this: At least Trump didn’t spend this rally rating men’s bodies.” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It says ‘Epstein files’? Don’t open it!’ (Because the president flies with an extra emotional support plane)

On Wednesday, President Trump left the NATO summit in Turkey on his old Air Force One instead of a new Qatari-donated Boeing 747-8 after the Secret Service urged the switch as a security precaution amid hostilities with Iran, according to people briefed on the plans. Did they bring both Air Force Ones? Is that why there’s no gas in the world anymore? Because the president flies with an extra emotional support plane? — Ronny Chieng

Also, you know what happens any time they switch planes on you, OK? Trump definitely lost his luggage. He’s calling them like, ‘Hey, did you guys find a box? It says ‘Epstein files’? Don’t open it!’ — Ronny Chieng

“I mean, it is a little suspicious. It’s like being at a party where the toilet’s overflowing and all of a sudden, I’m like, ‘OK, everyone, I have to leave immediately. No one read into this, please.’” — Ronny Chieng

“And, of course, we had to abandon the Qatari plane for security concerns. Of course that happened. This is why when it comes to the most important plane in the world, you don’t go certified pre-owned.” — Ronny Chieng

“America should spring for a new one, and Trump should give the Qatar plane to, I don’t know, give it to Southwest. I’ll fly in it. I don’t care if they spy on me. What are you going to do, find out I’m watching my own movies on the entertainment system? I’m not ashamed! I’m great in them.” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Belgians took the red card we canceled and shoved it up our goal post (This is the worst thing a person pardoned by Trump has ever done)

“And if you’re thinking Trump interfering with the World Cup is corrupt, well, [expletive] yeah, it is! Because that’s America’s style of play. You think we’re going to obey soccer rules? We don’t even listen to the Geneva Convention.” — Ronny Chieng

“4-1? Balogun, get the [expletive] out of my country, all right? This is the worst thing a person pardoned by Trump has ever done.” — Ronny Chieng, referring to the final score of the U.S.-Belgium match.

“4-1! For those Americans watching at home who don’t understand soccer, 4-1 is a humiliating score, OK? The Belgians took the red card we canceled and shoved it up our goal post.” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The land of the Karen (How to get a guy a pardon)

After a red-card foul during the World Cup, the soccer star Folarin Balogun was handed an automatic one-match suspension, ruling him out of the U.S. team’s game against Belgium on Monday — until President Trump intervened, after which FIFA suspended the ban. This is America, bitch! The land of the Karen. — Ronny Chieng

“Trump didn’t know what a red card is. But you know what he did know? How to get a guy a pardon.” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the dominant predator in the western hemisphere – at least, now that Jeffrey Epstein is dead (cognitive infrastructure)

A Republican lawmaker detailed his wish list for US intervention in Latin American counties with oppressive regimes: Honduras, Nicaragua, Colombia. “Look, the world is a messed-up place. If an oil rampage is what it takes to spread democracy, maybe that’s what it takes, OK? Stop being such babies. So which of these tyrannical dictators are we targeting next?”

That would be Greenland, an independent Arctic territory controlled by US ally Denmark. That’s right, Greenland, because the only thing we hate more than a brutal authoritarian regime is whatever the complete opposite of that is.

“The point is: we need Greenland. Why? For their freedom, or their oil, or for national defense – look, I don’t remember what excuse we’re using. Another Republican lawmaker, argued that “it’s important that we have a stake in Greenland. We are the dominant predator, quite frankly, force in the western hemisphere.” Yes, Trump is the dominant predator in the western hemisphere – at least, now that Jeffrey Epstein is dead. —Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What Epstein file did they release now? (What a united nation looks like)

Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy and Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a press event on Monday where they promoted their idea to develop fitness stations at American airports. You think people want to work out in transit at the airport? Everyone at the airport is already exhausted from traveling, all right? We can’t even walk to the gate. They had to invent floors that walk for us. — Ronny Chieng

“It was so cold in New York City this morning walking to work, I saw a Wall Street stockbroker spooning with Zohran Mamdani.” — Jimmy Fallon

“It was the kind of weather today that makes you wish you were someplace tropical, like on a boat in the Caribbean, but not near Venezuela.” — Stephen Colbert

“Yeah, at first when Trump heard it dipped into the teens, he was like, ‘What Epstein file did they release now?’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s what GoFundMe is for (cross it deliberately)

The U.S. government shutdown for the first time since 2018 on Wednesday. I thought the worst thing that could happen this week was when Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban broke up. If two hot Australians with the same face can’t make it work, then what hope is there for the rest of us?” — Ronny Chieng

“Look, this is the classic dispute between the parties. Democrats say that the government should help pay for health care, and Republicans say, ‘That’s what GoFundMe is for.’” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, congrats, general. When are you due? (slide into an ex’s DMs)

Secretary of War Pete Hegseth addressed senior military leaders at a summit on Tuesday. But you know, I’m sure if the secretary is going to gather all the generals, some of them from active war zones, then he must have something very important he wants to tell them. Listen, we all do weird things when we’re drunk, OK? Some of us slide into an ex’s DMs, and some of us call every U.S. general to a meeting at Quantico. — Ronny Chieng

During his address, Hegseth lectured the audience about the importance of proper athleticism and grooming standards, saying, “It’s tiring to look out at combat formations, or really any formation, and see fat troops. Likewise, it’s completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon.” That’s what you dragged all these generals in for? To tell them they’re fat? Couldn’t you just leave passive aggressive comments on their Instagram? Like, ‘Hey, congrats, general. When are you due?’ — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

tuck them in places so the wheels don't run (Rhode Island representative John Wick)

The question is, what do you call an enormous bill that crams together every single Republican issue? To quote Trump: “One big, beautiful bill.” Really? Big, beautiful bill, that’s the best you could come up with? That’s a stupid name, OK? Also, that’s what Jordon Hudson calls Bill Belichick. —Ronny Chieng, The Daily Show

I don’t blame commentators for mixing up the BBB with BBL, or Brazilian butt lift. Maybe BBL was a better name, because this bill is thick and mostly a**. —Ronny Chieng

The bill isn’t just about taking healthcare from poor people to give rich people tax cuts. I’m sure there’s something in there for the rest of you. Indeed, one provision tucked into the bill eliminates the $200 registration fee for gun silencers. Let’s see, that was added by … Rhode Island representative John Wick? —Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, it’s called delegating, bud (guy with resting divorce face)

Donald Trump’s cabinet picks for his second term. Now that Matt Gaetz has dropped out to try to find the high school from Euphoria, there is a new nominee for shadiest nominee. That would be Pete Hegseth, Trump’s pick for secretary of defense and a “guy with resting divorce face”. —Ronny Chieng

The latest scandal for the Fox News host with no department of defense experience: a New Yorker report on how he was forced to step down from a veterans’ non-profit board due to alcohol abuse, sexual misconduct and mishandling the group’s money. Ok, that’s a lot for one person. Alcohol, sex and financial misconduct? I mean, it’s called delegating, bud. Try it sometime. —Ronny Chieng

How could someone do so many bad things at the same time? Like not only are you drinking and harassing women, you’ve also got to find time to suck at QuickBooks? —Ronny Chieng

“Apparently, the reports of the drinky-drink are making Trump doing the thinky-think, because word is Trump’s support for Hegseth is teetering, much like Pete Hegseth at a staff meeting.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”