You know what? I’ll come back tomorrow (But even I doubt I weigh 239)

President Trump actually has two cell phones that his staff nicknamed “Trump One” and “Trump Two.” Sounds a little like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. Trump wrote his own Dr. Seuss book about himself. We got a copy. Check this out [shows illustrated book]. It says, “The day was beginning, I rolled up my sleeves, I put on my tie that goes past my knees. Too cold to go out, too hyper to snooze, so I sat in the house and binge-watched Fox News. I ate some McDonald’s, I ate KFC, I ate more McDonald’s and more KFC. I went to the doctor, he said everything’s fine. But even I doubt I weigh 239.” --Jimmy Fallon

I saw that earlier today, Bill O’Reilly actually met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. And when he saw O’Reilly go into confession, the next guy in line said, “You know what? I’ll come back tomorrow.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

His lawyer is trying to plea bargain that down to just serving detention with Molly Ringwald, Emilio Estevez, and Judd Nelson (magnetic to the corruptible)

For the first time ever a copy of Dr. Seuss's book The Cat in the Hat came out in Yiddish. They're also coming out with another Yiddish Dr. Seuss book called Green Eggs, Hold the Ham. --Conan O’Brien 3/16/2004

Breakfast Club star Anthony Michael Hall is facing seven years in prison for fighting his neighbor. However, his lawyer is trying to plea bargain that down to just serving detention with Molly Ringwald, Emilio Estevez, and Judd Nelson. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I haven't seen skin stretch like that since I made those bongos out of a drifter (a new world deadlift record)

After fierce criticism, the LAPD quietly withdrew its officers from guarding Kamala Harris. And already she's missing her favorite officer, Captain Morgan. —Greg Gutfeld

MTV's Video Music Awards aired last night. Security was tighter than Jessica Simpson's face. I haven't seen skin stretch like that since I made those bongos out of a drifter. —Greg Gutfeld

Iceland's Thor Bjornson set a new world deadlift record by lifting 1,124 pounds, beating the previous record held by Whoopi's rickshaw driver. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who does she think she is, herself? (What Pet Should I Get)

According to Vanity Fair, the Queen of England has four alcoholic beverages every day, including a glass of champagne before bed. Champagne before bed?! Who does she think she is, herself? –Seth Meyers

A new book by Dr. Seuss came out today called "What Pet Should I Get." He was inspired to write it when his wife said, “I want a baby.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Cats, on the other hand, think it's hilarious (I want a baby)

A new book by Dr. Seuss came out today called "What Pet Should I get." He was inspired to write it when his wife said, “I want a baby.” –Seth Meyers

A new study suggests that dogs notice and try to help when people are upset or in danger. Cats, on the other hand, think it's hilarious. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Green Eggs, Hold the Ham (a two-second chase)

For the first time ever a copy of Dr. Seuss's book The Cat in the Hat came out in Yiddish. They're also coming out with another Yiddish Dr. Seuss book called Green Eggs, Hold the Ham. --Conan O’Brien 3/16/2004

This week federal officials entered a Wisconsin classroom and seized several giant African land snails because they're considered a health hazard. Officials rounded up the snails after a two-second chase. --Conan O’Brien 4/27/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Where do I know that guy from... (Drapetomania)

President Trump actually has two cell phones that his staff nicknamed “Trump One” and “Trump Two.” Sounds a little like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. Trump wrote his own Dr. Seuss book about himself. We got a copy. Check this out [shows illustrated book]. It says, “The day was beginning, I rolled up my sleeves, I put on my tie that goes past my knees. Too cold to go out, too hyper to snooze, so I sat in the house and binge-watched Fox News. I ate some McDonald’s, I ate KFC, I ate more McDonald’s and more KFC. I went to the doctor, he said everything’s fine. But even I doubt I weigh 239.” --Jimmy Fallon

And it seems like there's no end in sight to the shutdown. You can tell Trump's desperate to get money for his wall, 'cause earlier today, he proposed to Jeff Bezos. --Jimmy Fallon

But this morning, Eric Trump went on “Fox & Friends” and passionately defended his father. While at home, the president was like, “Where do I know that guy from...” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed (30 Kramers)

"John Boehner. I feel sorry for you buddy. It's exhausting watching you try to maintain your dignity wrangling those Tea Party maniacs. You're like 'Seinfeld' if there were 30 Kramers." -Seth Meyers

"A new Fox News poll shows that disapproval of the Republican Party during the shutdown has jumped to 59 percent. And that's a Fox News poll. Talk about getting booed on your home field. By the way, if Fox News says it's 59 percent, that's like the real news saying it's 3,000 percent." -Seth Meyers

"Texas Sen. Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate during which he read Dr. Seuss' 'Green Eggs and Ham,' did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Unfortunately, they had to spend it all on hospital bills after taking the outfits off (food stamps myths)

A teen couple has won over $20,000 in scholarship money for making their prom outfits. They made their prom outfits entirely from duct tape. Unfortunately, they had to spend it all on hospital bills after taking the outfits off. –Seth Meyers

Alaska Airlines apologized today to a gay couple after asking one of them to move so that a straight couple could sit together. Meanwhile Spirit Airlines apologized for quote, “All of it.” --Seth Meyers

A new book by Dr. Seuss came out today called "What Pet Should I get." He was inspired to write it when his wife said, “I want a baby.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was very moving when the small children helped President Bush pronounce some of the harder words (There's only so much you can believe)

 

"And while he was in Africa, President Bush visited a school in Tanzania, and read to the students from 'The Cat in the Hat." It was very moving when the small children helped President Bush pronounce some of the harder words." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, the New York Times did it again today. Did you see the paper today? They released a story suggesting Hillary was sleeping with Bill. Now, come on. There's only so much you can believe." --Jay Leno

"No, Sarah Palin had everybody mesmerized. Even Senator Larry Craig said he was glued to his toilet seat." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You're like 'Seinfeld' if there were 30 Kramers (The language of the oppressor)

"Loser: John Boehner. I feel sorry for you buddy. It's exhausting watching you try to maintain your dignity wrangling those Tea Party maniacs. You're like 'Seinfeld' if there were 30 Kramers." -Seth Meyers

"Loser: GOP. A new Fox News poll shows that disapproval of the Republican Party during the shutdown has jumped to 59 percent. And that's a Fox News poll. Talk about getting booed on your home field. By the way, if Fox News says it's 59 percent, that's like the real news saying it's 3,000 percent." -Seth Meyers

"Texas Sen. Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate during which he read Dr. Seuss' 'Green Eggs and Ham,' did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she has already shot the polar bear to make her daughter’s wedding dress (He's usually so low-key)

"Ted Cruz read "Green Eggs and Ham" aloud. That has now replaced jumping on Oprah's couch as the weirdest thing done by a Cruz on television." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have apparently broken up again, less than a month after announcing their engagement. Bristol called it off faster than you can say, 'Mom, put the gun down.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin today said she has mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, she was never a big fan of Levi in the first place, but on the other hand, she had already shot the polar bear to make her daughter’s wedding dress." –Jimmy Kimmel

According to multiple reports, Donald Trump's campaign staff is becoming extremely frustrated by his behavior and his unwillingness to stay on message during the campaign. I don't blame them — who could have ever guessed he would do something like this? He's usually so low-key. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because we're building a robot army, umm – ER – nothing (moon those Saxon dogs)

March 2014

"The College Board says it's revamping the SAT to focus more on what students will need in college. In fact, the SAT is now just one question: 'How much money do your parents have?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon, reading a rebuttal from "Sam I Am" to Sarah Palin after she rewrote Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" to criticize Obamacare: "I do not like the speech you spoke, The speech you spoke was quite a joke, I found your words were lacking taste, You first hit copy and then hit paste, I would not like this on a beach, So next time write your own damn speech.”

"Another big story is the ongoing situation in Ukraine, which has caused a lot of tension between the U.S. and Russia. But get this — NASA has announced that it will continue to work with Russia's space program, even though the Pentagon has severed ties with the Russian military. When asked why, scientists from both sides were like, 'Because we're building a robot army, umm – ER – nothing.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's a huge improvement over its original name, parade of regrets (even I doubt I weigh 239)

Facebook launched its year in review feature, which brings up some of your top Facebook photos from the past year. It should be a huge improvement over its original name, parade of regrets. –Jimmy Fallon

Remember the kid whose parents said he floated away in a balloon as a hoax in 2009? Well, Balloon Boy has officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. He was like, “What can I say, I'm prone to getting carried away by hot air.” –Jimmy Fallon

"The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had." –Jimmy Fallon

"Voters in Switzerland will decide next month if animals should have the right to be represented by lawyers in court. If they approve it, it will finally clear the way for the long-awaited lawsuit of 'cat vs. string.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Trump actually has two cell phones that his staff nicknamed “Trump One” and “Trump Two.” Sounds a little like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. Trump wrote his own Dr. Seuss book about himself. We got a copy. Check this out [shows illustrated book]. It says, “The day was beginning, I rolled up my sleeves, I put on my tie that goes past my knees. Too cold to go out, too hyper to snooze, so I sat in the house and binge-watched Fox News. I ate some McDonald’s, I ate KFC, I ate more McDonald’s and more KFC. I went to the doctor, he said everything’s fine. But even I doubt I weigh 239.” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The other 50 percent think he would make an awful president (The bad news is, so was Donald Trump)

"Joe Biden said that working on the deficit with Republicans is like carpooling to work. In response, everyone who carpools with Biden was like, 'It can't be that bad.'" –Jimmy Fallon 5/15/2011

"President Obama is going to host a poetry night at the White House next week. That's right, Obama will recite some Yeats, Hillary will recite some Frost, Biden will recite some Seuss . . . " –Jimmy Fallon 5/5/2011

"Fifty percent of Americans think Donald Trump would make a terrible president. The other 50 percent think he would make an awful president." –David Letterman 4/27/2011

"Today President Obama released his long-form birth certificate. The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump." –Jay Leno 4/27/2011

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

He had to hire somebody to stand next to him and look humiliated (10 pre-existing conditions to drive your man crazy)

September 2013

"There's a new issue of 'Cosmopolitan' that explains Obamacare to women. The article is called '10 pre-existing conditions to drive your man crazy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Cory Booker, mayor of Newark, has been tweeting with a stripper in Oregon. He's a bachelor so when this news broke, he had to hire somebody to stand next to him and look humiliated." –David Letterman

"Texas Senator Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate during which he read Dr. Seuss' 'Green Eggs and Ham,' did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed." –Seth Meyers

"Republicans in Congress this week attempted to defund Obamacare before it begins open enrollment October 1. Because you know the old saying, 'If you can't beat them, kick the ball into the woods.'" –Seth Meyers

"Some people got together and set a new world record in Times Square yesterday for twerking. And still Vladimir Putin says Americans aren't exceptional." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That government shutdown certainly looks pretty good now, doesn't it? (Please, be normal)

September 2013

"How about that senator from Texas, Ted Cruz. He gets a hold of the microphone on the floor of the Senate and he starts yakking for 21 hours. I'm telling you, that government shutdown certainly looks pretty good now, doesn't it?" –David Letterman

"At one point Ted Cruz takes out 'Green Eggs and Ham.' He reads a kiddy book. The message he was sending there, I think, is that Obamacare will only cover visits to Dr. Seuss." –David Letterman

"So to express your opposition to Obamacare, you go to the book about a stubborn jerk who decides he hates something before he’s tried it, and when he finally gets a taste, he has to admit after he’s tasted it, 'This is pretty f**king good.'" –Jon Stewart on Sen. Ted Cruz reading Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" on the Senate floor 

"Well, that's easy for you to take that kind of physical risk – you've got government health care." –Jon Stewart on Ted Cruz speaking for 21 hours

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yo, this is like that time they got rid of Mr Potato Head’s p*nis! (an actual existential crisis)

April 2021

“Vaccine passports are methods to present digital proof of one’s coronavirus vaccinations to gain entry to sporting events or international travel. This can help give businesses peace of mind, you know? American businesses want to know that the customers who are legally carrying assault rifles into their store aren’t going to sneeze on anyone. It’s safe.” —Trevor Noah

“I really want to know what Fox News is gonna do when there’s an actual existential crisis, like a real one. Because everything for Fox News is a crisis, everything – Dr Seuss is a crisis, vaccination cards are a crisis. If America is ever invaded, Fox News is going to be like, ‘Yo, this is like that time they got rid of Mr Potato Head’s penis!’” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a Dr. Seuss-themed gay wedding cake (it’s smart enough to go from sofa to brunch)

March 2021

“I get it — after a year of quarantine, nothing fits anymore. They should have put that ship into their stretchy canal. You know, the one that looks like denim, but gives, and it’s smart enough to go from sofa to brunch.” —Stephen Colbert

“I’ll give you a sense of how huge these container ships are: This one is as long as New York’s Empire State Building is tall. Well, there’s your problem. You should have sailed it through upright.” —Stephen Colbert

“In the wake of the Boulder and Atlanta shootings, many have once again called on Congress to pass gun safety legislation, while others are calling on the NRA to pass the money bucket. Republicans are trying the same old cynical of switching the subject away from guns to things like mental health or video games or ‘look over there! It’s a Dr. Seuss-themed gay wedding cake for the marriage of Pepé Le Pew and Mr Potato Head!’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

[Expletive], you canceled Gladys! (It’s Just Chris, OK?)

March 2021

“I mean just in the past couple of weeks we’ve heard about him harassing staffers, journalists, wedding guests — it seems like no women in New York were safe from this guy. At some point we’re going to find out the Statue of Liberty only holds that torch so she can fend him off.” —Trevor Noah

“A.O.C. wants him to resign, Schumer wants him to resign, his brother renamed his CNN show from ‘Cuomo Primetime’ to ‘It’s Just Chris, OK? It’s Just Chris.’” —Trevor Noah

“But yes, Andrew Cuomo thinks that holding him to account for his actions is cancel culture, which is obviously making people pretty angry — especially nursing home residents. They’re like ‘[Expletive], you canceled Gladys!’” —Trevor Noah

“And I have to be honest, if this is cancel culture, well then I have no idea what cancel culture means any more. I guess it’s about letting Dr. Seuss’s books be racist but also not letting politicians get away with sexual harassment. Cancel culture feels a lot like watching ‘WandaVision.’ Every time I think I get what it’s about, the next scene is like ‘Now it’s about a purple witch who is only pretend possessed?’” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”