Is there a doctor in the house? (everyone knows that money was earmarked for Somalian thieves)

An indicted House Democrat could be expelled from Congress. She allegedly stole millions in COVID funds and everyone knows that money was earmarked for Somalian thieves. —Greg Gutfeld

A Secret Service agent guarding Jill Biden shot himself in the leg at the Philly at the Philly airport on Friday. When he screamed, "Is there a doctor in the house?" Jill said yes and quickly started reading him a children's book. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head (A Day Without Women)

Tomorrow, there’s a protest across the country known as “A Day Without Women.” In fairness, I celebrated “A Day Without Women” all through my 20s. –Conan O’Brien

At the White House today, President Trump gave advice to a group of schoolchildren and he told them to “work hard.” Trump also told them, “If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he’s trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it’s easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head.” –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is the first time anyone in Europe has said ‘good news! The German tanks are rolling in.’ (which is why I tried to have him killed)

January 2023

“Joe Biden has decided to send 30 M1 Abrams tanks to help Ukraine in its war against Russia. The Abrams is a game changer for this war in Ukraine – each tank weighs 70 tons and can travel up to 42mph, plus it comes with a free month of Sirius XM. The US had been reluctant to send the tanks, but did so in coordination with Germany, which agreed to send some of its Leopard tanks to Ukraine, making this the first time anyone in Europe has said ‘good news! The German tanks are rolling in.’” —Stephen Colbert

“When classified documents turned at at Mike Pence’s home, Trump came to Pence’s defense. On Truth Social, he called his former vice-president an ‘innocent man’ who ‘never did anything knowingly dishonest in his life’. Adding: ‘which is why I tried to have him killed.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I've never been so proud. That kid's good. (traditional Somali pantsuit)

"Republican strategist Karl Rove recently gave an interview, and he said John McCain's attack ads go too far and aren't truthful. Then Rove said, 'I've never been so proud. That kid's good.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know if you know the Occupy L.A. protesters have been evicted. They all were evicted. As of this morning, according to reports, all that was left of their campsite was trash, empty tents and the smell of urine. Then someone pointed out that it was not Occupy Los Angeles, that was Gary Busey's house." –Conan O'Brien

"Things are getting nasty now between the Clinton and Obama campaigns. They've been so civil for a while. Now it's getting nasty. Check this out, Hillary Clinton's campaign has been circulating a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional Somali dress. Meanwhile, Obama's campaign has been circulating a photo of Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you? (Don't Just Lay There)

President Bush addressed the crowd at the Republican Convention via satellite. The first ten minutes of Bush's speech consisted of him saying, 'Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you?'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Bill Clinton is writing a book designed to encourage Americans to become more active in their communities. Clinton's book is called 'Don't Just Lay There.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams." –Conan O'Brien

"The Dalai Lama is in the news. The Dalai Lama is threatening to resign from his position as the spiritual leader of Tibet. When asked why, the Dalai Lama said, 'I promised myself I'd quit the moment it stopped being fun.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Really, then how come we eat most of the world's donuts? (potential endless quagmire)

September 2013

"President Obama is in Russia. You know what he's doing there? I think he's seeking asylum." –Jay Leno

"The president cancelled a fundraising trip to California next week because of the Syria situation. That's when you know this is serious." –Jay Leno 

"On Tuesday President Obama is planning to address the nation. Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria 'a war,' he is calling it a 'limited military intervention' — which sounds better than 'potential endless quagmire.'" –Jay Leno 

"John Kerry said during the Senate hearing that we are not the world's policemen. Really, then how come we eat most of the world's donuts?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sir, if you don't order now you'll miss the early bird special (He had such a promising career as a pirate)

"Yesterday John McCain announced, 'We must bring about a regime change in North Korea.' To which the waitress replied, "Sir, if you don't order now you'll miss the early bird special." –Jay Leno

"A 19-year-old Somali man was arrested in Portland for allegedly planning to detonate a bomb at a Christmas tree lighting ceremony. His parents are devastated. He had such a promising career as a pirate." –Jay Leno

"American Airlines is going to offer happy hour on its flights in December. TSA is feeling us up. The airline is giving us free booze. We don't even have to make Friday night plans anymore. Just book a flight." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off (Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?)

"Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off." –Jay Leno

"And economists predict by this time next year, China will overtake the United States as the No. 1 country in manufacturing. But you know something, we have only ourselves to blame for this. I mean, what were we thinking — making our kids go to school? What idiots we are! Child labor, that's the key!" –Jay Leno

"Tony Hayward on a yacht. Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Blame the party for NOT listening to the people (copping an attitude with the president)

"President Obama met with Wall Street executives today. He told them to stop fighting this financial reform. But the Wall Street executives are kind of copping an attitude with the president. You know, I got an idea. Forget financial reform. Let's put them in prison. Call it prison reform. See how they like it then." –Jay Leno

"Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

But ironically, their top people still got their million-dollar bonuses (Even Somali pirates are going, 'Come on!')

"Hey, here's an amazing fact. Sarah Palin made $12 million last year. In fact, Sarah Palin had such a good year, she was actually able to quit her part-time job as governor of Alaska." –Jay Leno

"According to sources at the Pentagon, al Qaeda is nearing financial ruin. But ironically, their top people still got their million-dollar bonuses." –Jay Leno

"Well, just four days after Goldman Sachs cost investors $12 billion by failing to tell them that they're being investigated for fraud, they gave out another $5.4 billion in bonuses. Huh? Even Somali pirates are going, 'Come on!'" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And then it was incredible, my TV threw up (Exactly where did sex occur...)

"Do you know who is in town? One of the Somali pirates is on trial here in the United States. But he is not just in court. No, this pirate is everywhere. For example, this weekend, he's hosting 'Saturday Night Live.' Monday, he's attending the Tribeca Film Festival. Tuesday, he's going to launch his new fragrance. Wednesday, he's having lunch with Ruth Madoff. And Thursday he's going to hijack the Staten Island Ferry, so he's got a big, full schedule." --David Letterman

"Last night, I was watching 'Larry King,' who was interviewing Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol Palin's baby. And Larry asked, 'Exactly where did sex occur in the Palin’s house?' And then it was incredible, my TV threw up.” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Friday he'll be on Rachel Ray making Clams Mogadishu (Problem Spots/Making an Example)

"How about those Somali pirates? So they bring one of the pirates to New York City so they can put him on trial. But he will also be doing some other stuff. Like, tomorrow, he's going to ring the opening bell at the stock exchange. Friday he'll be on 'Rachel Ray' making Clams Mogadishu, and he will be the starting pitcher for the Yankees. Monday, he'll be on the 'Today' show singing 'I Dream a Dream.' And Monday night, he'll be sleeping with Madonna. That's the full schedule." --David Letterman

"The Justice Department says they want to make an example of this Somali pirate guy. And I thought, really? In terms of making an example, I don't think you can do much better than shooting the other three guys in the head." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through the Somali Pirate's Mind While in New York City (I'm gonna plotz!)

David Letterman's Top Ten Thoughts Going Through the Somali Pirate's Mind While in New York City

10. This city is more dangerous than downtown Mogadishu.
9. It's like my own episode of "Gossip Girl."
8. Maybe Madonna will adopt me.
7. If I don't get a corned beef on rye soon, I'm gonna plotz!
6. How can I meet Zac Efron?
5. Go Niners!
4. Any chance of getting "Jersey Boys" tickets?
3. This would be a pretty sweet trip if it weren't for the handcuffs and jail.
2. Why the hell are these people lining up to see Letterman?
1. You charge $40 for parking, and I'm the pirate?

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

there's always Congress, the NFL, and show business (You lost. Get over it.)

"And as the economy lags, the Army is getting more and more selective now. The Army announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons. But the good news is there's always Congress, the NFL, and show business." --Jay Leno

"Remember those Somali pirates, those crazy guys that are hijacking boats and stuff? They got one of them here in New York City standing trial. And I want to tell you something, this guy thinks he's a pirate. Well, wait until he gets the bill for his New York legal team. Then we'll see who the pirate is. That's what I say." --David Letterman

"But they have the pirate locked up. And today, he met one of his idols, Bernie Madoff." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

never hail a cab that is flying a Somalian skull and bones (That's exactly what I've been saying)

"A lot of folks from out of town visiting New York City. Be careful, word of caution, word of caution. Never hail a cab, now I'm serious about this, never hail a cab that is flying a Somalian skull and bones." --David Letterman

"Have you had a cab driver using a cell phone? I'm in the cab this morning coming to work and I said, 'Look, look, look. Look, do me a favor, stop talking on your cell phone.' And the driver said, 'I'm not talking on my cell phone, I'm on Google Earth trying to track down an oil tanker off the Horn of Africa.'" --David Letterman

"Did you hear what Nicolas Sarkozy, the French president, said about Obama yesterday? He called his new policies 'unsubstantial and overrated.' Then Hillary Clinton said, 'That's exactly what I've been saying.'" --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hey if you don't straighten up next year, crumpets, buddy (The ones who are really killing people)

"Some Americans did a very dumb thing today. They had tea party protests. They've been mailing tea bags to Congress to I guess express their dissatisfaction with taxes and government spending because nothing shakes a politician up like a complimentary bag of tea. 'Hey if you don't straighten up next year, crumpets, buddy.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, that captain of the merchant ship that was held captive by three Somali pirates was rescued when the pirates were shot and killed by a group of Navy Seals. President Obama authorized the military to use any force necessary to accomplish this. And today, the CEOs of Ford, Chrysler and GM said, 'We'll build any car you want.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

However, the pirates are still holding the ship comic (or as we call them in this country, rap stars)

"So the Navy Seal snipers shot three pirates. They shot them at the same time, simultaneously. I mean that is sharp shooting, ladies and gentlemen. Boom, all of them gone. I mean, something like that hasn't really happened since the last Dick Cheney hunting trip." --Jimmy Fallon

"So the good news is the Navy sea captain from the United States was rescued in that action. However, the pirates are still holding the ship comic." --Jimmy Fallon

"Whew! Last night, I had that great new drink, the Navy Seal. Three shots -- boom -- and you're done." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all 'untrained teenagers with heavy weapons,' or as we call them in this country, rap stars." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the United States government borrowed a billion eggs from China (I call it common sense)

"And today, they had the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. They always have it on Monday after Easter. But this year, because of the economy, they almost had to cancel the Easter egg roll. At the last minute, though, the United States government borrowed a billion eggs from China." --David Letterman

"How about that story, with the pirates off the coast of Somalia? Man, I mean, President Obama, this guy is getting it done, you know. He rounded up the Somali pirates and the Madoffs all in the same year. Looking pretty good." --David Letterman

"Now the new puppy is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Apparently, they call the dog Bo because Michelle's father's nickname is Diddly. So Bo Diddly. It's very complicated. Settling on a name for the President's dog is like having to name one of the octomom's kids." --Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He said he's going to Disneyland to wipe out the Pirates of the Caribbean (We're tapping your phones)

"Well, you've been watching the big score over the weekend, huh? Navy 3, pirates 0. Yeah! As you know, Navy Seals kicked some Somali pirate booty this weekend. I tell you, those Navy Seals, what incredible marksmen. They shot the three pirates without hitting the captain or any of the parrots that were sitting on the pirates' shoulders." --Jay Leno

"I tell you this, this Capt. Richard Phillips is a genuine American hero. He allowed himself to be taken hostage to save the lives of his crew. And did you know that this Captain Phillips used to be a cab driver in Boston? In fact, so were half the Somali pirates that kidnapped him." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, they asked Captain Phillips what he's going to do now. And he said he's going to Disneyland to wipe out the Pirates of the Caribbean. So I think he's a little wound up." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

it was so nice, the AIG executives were counting their bonuses in the park (robbing a bank and leaving your wallet)

"We spilled 25,000 barrels of oil into the Strait of Hormuz, by Iraq. And a U.S. Navy server ship collided with a submarine. Who else, but us, could invade the Middle East and lose oil? It's like robbing a bank and leaving your wallet." --Bill Maher 

"There's a new bin Laden tape where he calls for the destruction of Somalia. That's right. Forget destroying America, that job is done." --Bill Maher 

"Beautiful day in New York City today. In fact, it was so nice, the AIG executives were counting their bonuses in the park."--David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”