the Los Angeles Little Mermaids (crushing defense)

The CEO of Disney is now getting involved in bringing an NFL team to Los Angeles. So football fans, get ready for the crushing defense of the Los Angeles Little Mermaids. –James Corden

Today, the people of Massachusetts, where the first legal marijuana dispensaries opened and in the town of North Hampton, the first person in line to purchase weed was the mayor. There’s no word if the mayor used the marijuana, but he did spend the first twenty minutes of a press conference giggling about how Massachusetts has the word “ass” in it.  --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the same amount of time you gave Stormy Daniels (deflated leather balls)

According to the White House press pool, President Trump spent

approximately two minutes at the Martin Luther King Jr.

Memorial today before returning to the White House. And it's not

a good look when you give Martin Luther King the same amount

of time you gave Stormy Daniels. --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said this week that his high poll numbers in Massachusetts are due to his support from Patriots' quarterback Tom Brady. Man, what is it with Tom Brady and deflated leather balls? .” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if there’s one thing we know about Donald Trump, he usually does exactly what people tell him to do (37.7%)

Yesterday Trump’s devoted wife Melania gave an interview to Anderson Cooper where she defended Donald, saying that Billy Bush basically manipulated her husband into saying those things. Because if there’s one thing we know about Donald Trump, he usually does exactly what people tell him to do. –James Corden

Today, the people of Massachusetts, where the first legal marijuana dispensaries opened and in the town of North Hampton, the first person in line to purchase weed was the mayor. There’s no word if the mayor used the marijuana, but he did spend the first twenty minutes of a press conference giggling about how Massachusetts has the word “ass” in it.  --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a four-letter word for enclosure (the first person ever to successfully cancel his gym membership)

A Massachusetts man was arrested this weekend for stripping naked and doing yoga poses in a Planet Fitness gym. That story again, a man in Massachusetts has become the first person ever to successfully cancel his gym membership. --Seth Meyers

A 91-year-old woman in Germany is under investigation for destruction of property after she tried filling in words on a crossword puzzle on display at an art museum. If charged, the woman could face time in a four-letter word for enclosure. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He says even if he's losing in the polls, he plans to hang tight (My list of friends)

A man named Jeffrey Epstein is running for mayor in a Massachusetts town and he refuses to change his name. He says even if he's losing in the polls, he plans to hang tight. —Tom Shillue

Critics were horrified that President Trump turned the rose garden into a patio. What a waste. All that concrete and no bodies buried under it, said Hillary Clinton. —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They apologized for quote, “All of it.” (We Beg To Differ)

A Massachusetts man was arrested this weekend for stripping naked and doing yoga poses in a Planet Fitness gym. That story again, a man in Massachusetts has become the first person ever to successfully cancel his gym membership. --Seth Meyers

Alaska Airlines apologized today to a gay couple after asking one of them to move so that a straight couple could sit together. Meanwhile Spirit Airlines apologized for quote, “All of it.” --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the female scientists had to finish writing it themselves (National Girlfriends Day)

A couple recently got married on a roller coaster at a Massachusetts amusement park while their wedding guests were on the ride with them. And this is cool — the reception was open barf. –Seth Meyers

A new study has come out analyzing the role of the female orgasm in reproduction. But the male scientists fell asleep before it was done and the female scientists had to finish writing it themselves. –Seth Meyers

Today was National Girlfriends Day, so don't forget to send her $130,000. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well (I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot)

Today, the people of Massachusetts, where the first legal marijuana dispensaries opened and in the town of North Hampton, the first person in line to purchase weed was the mayor. There’s no word if the mayor used the marijuana, but he did spend the first twenty minutes of a press conference giggling about how Massachusetts has the word “a**” in it.  --James Corden

Today, the stock market hit an all-time high. Which is great news, because if there's one thing we've learned over the past decade it’s that if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well. –James Corden

Anyone here have plans to travel over the holidays? Well, you might have to check your flights because American Airlines just experienced a computer glitch that has allowed all their pilots to take vacation at the same time, meaning that thousands of flights in December have no one to fly them. This is all part of American Airlines’ new campaign to make the rest of their services seem less awful. “Okay, fine. I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains why this morning, Obama was endorsed by President Bush (Let this radicalize you)

 

"This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it's going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama's not black enough!" --Conan O'Brien

"First of all, good news for everybody, last night was the final Democratic debate. Which I'm excited about. I think there were 110 of those, but now they're over. I guess one of the big stories was that Barack Obama had a little bit of trouble last night. He is so smooth and he's so good, but last night he had a little trouble. Last night, during the debate, Barack Obama mispronounced the word 'Massachusetts' twice and then mispronounced the word 'filibuster.' Yeah, which explains why this morning, Obama was endorsed by President Bush." --Conan O'Brien

 

"Yesterday, Senator Barack Obama won the Wisconsin Democratic primary, which makes Obama the first black man to ever win a primary in Wisconsin and the first black man to ever go to Wisconsin." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because kids know a raisin house when they see one (Marlboro Reds in Florida)

The Bidens hosted neighborhood families for trick-or-treating. They didn’t get that many visitors, though, because kids know a raisin house when they see one. —Seth Meyers

For the holiday, Candystore.com released a list of the most popular candy in the country, including Sour Patch Kids in New York, Butterfinger in Massachusetts and Marlboro Reds in Florida. —Seth Meyers

The rock bands Lynyrd Skynyrd and ZZ Top announced their upcoming tours on Monday, and if you’re excited about this news, you’re due for a colonoscopy. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Don’t tell anyone, but I was born in Kenya (Too scary for Marilyn Manson)

A letter written by George Washington in 1786 is going on sale for $35,000. The letter is to a friend and says, “Don’t tell anyone, but I was born in Kenya.” –Jimmy Fallon

House Speaker Paul Ryan was at the airport and didn’t recognize a three-year congresswoman from Massachusetts. And even asked her, “So what do you do?” Ryan realized she was a congresswoman when she answered, “Nothing.” –Jimmy Fallon

Singer Marilyn Manson recently said he doesn’t plan on voting, because he doesn’t like Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. That story, again — the 2016 election: Too scary for Marilyn Manson. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fairness, what the realtor said was that the place definitely didn't have any mice (American exceptionalism)

A couple recently got married on a roller coaster at a Massachusetts amusement park while their wedding guests were on the ride with them. And this is cool — the reception was open barf. –Seth Meyers

A Maryland couple is suing their realtor because they say the agent knew the home was infested with snakes, but sold it to them anyway. In fairness, what the realtor said was that the place definitely didn't have any mice. —Seth Meyers

A new article has been published ranking New York City’s best public restrooms. So congratulations yet again to ... the subway! –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Cats, on the other hand, think it's hilarious (the first person ever to successfully cancel his gym membership)

A new study suggests that dogs notice and try to help when people are upset or in danger. Cats, on the other hand, think it's hilarious. --Seth Meyers

A Massachusetts man was arrested this weekend for stripping naked and doing yoga poses in a Planet Fitness gym. That story again, a man in Massachusetts has become the first person ever to successfully cancel his gym membership. --Seth Meyers

According to reports, President Trump is so unhappy with Attorney General Jeff Sessions that he is considering replacing him with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. That’s like being so unhappy with your wife that you’re considering replacing her with Rudy Giuliani. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Or deleted, whatever is easiest (They Both Suck)

In Utah, a woman pulled out two of her son’s teeth in a Walmart bathroom. Or as that procedure will soon be known, “the Trumpcare dental plan.” –Conan O’Brien

In Massachusetts, a medical marijuana dispensary has begun selling marijuana-infused pizza. Or as that’s known, “one-stop shopping.” –Conan O’Brien

Former FBI Director James Comey did not want to be left alone in a room with Donald Trump. Which is why James Comey was just named an honorary Miss Universe contestant. –Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she would like to see the FBI investigation of her emails wrapped up. Hillary then said, "Or deleted, whatever is easiest." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.' (Sound familiar?)

"Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney." –Jay Leno

"Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can't get her states right." –Jay Leno

"Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The New York Jets do not use fake crowd noise, but they do have a laugh track (a real manicure)

"Mitt Romney is a good-looking Republican from Massachusetts. You know, he's like that new senator from Massachusetts. He's like Scott Brown, but with pants." –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney won in Michigan last night. It was certainly a close race — a real nail-biter or, in Romney's case, a real manicure.” –David Letterman

“The Atlanta Falcons have been fined and lost a draft pick for using fake crowd noise through their loudspeaker system at the stadium. The New York Jets do not use fake crowd noise, but they do have a laugh track.” —David Letterman

"Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, as of an hour ago, the front-runner is Kate Upton (I love Chowdah)

Hillary Clinton's campaign is accusing Barack Obama of plagiarizing a speech by the Governor of Massachusetts. They may have a point because Barack's speech was entitled, 'I love Chowdah.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier this week, President Bush met with the Belgian prime minister. Things got a little tense when the prime minister called for the U.S. to leave Guantanamo Bay. President Bush was so angry, he told the Belgian prime minister to shut his waffle hole." --Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, in a speech, President Obama said that when voting, young men should look deep inside themselves. So, as of an hour ago, the front-runner is Kate Upton. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You're not allowed back at the zoo (Hey, that's our slogan/chopped nuts)

Finally, a bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. And this is insensitive -- it has chopped nuts. --Seth Meyers

 After being bitten by a shark last week, a Colorado man achieved a rare distinction of being attacked by a shark, bear, and rattlesnake all within the last four years. Or as it was reported to the man, you're not allowed back at the zoo. --Seth Meyers

A man in Massachusetts is converting his funeral home into an ice cream parlor with the slogan, "A taste to die for." "Hey, that's our slogan," said Chipotle. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I’m sorry, that should be 70-24-36 (And she says that so far he’s buying it!)

President Trump misspelled the word "country" in a tweet this morning. Trump spelled it “countrty”. So if you're keeping track, he's now lost moderates, whites without college degrees, women voters, and autocorrect. --Seth Meyers

Happy birthday to Dolly Parton, who turned 70 today. I’m sorry, that should be 70-24-36. –Seth Meyers

A female zebra shark in Australia has shocked researchers by developing the ability to produce offspring asexually, after spending time away from her male partner. And she says that so far he’s buying it! –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said this week that his high poll numbers in Massachusetts are due to his support from Patriots' quarterback Tom Brady. Man, what is it with Tom Brady and deflated leather balls? –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”