Finally! A place where we can eat a sandwich! (he kept talking over a loud screeching sound)

"Speaking of NBC, did you guys see this? Last night, Brian Williams continued with the 'NBC Nightly News' while a high-pitched fire alarm went off in the studio. Yeah, he kept talking over a loud screeching sound - or as that's also known, 'The View.'" –Jimmy Fallon

The president just signed a law that will require men’s restrooms in federal buildings to have baby-changing tables. Or as most guys will call that, “Finally! A place where we can eat a sandwich!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do what you want to us, but as far as Canada goes, you leave them 'oot' (I bet he can afford groceries)

"You hate Canada? That's like saying I hate toast. It's not the kind of thing that inspires passion in either direction. I can understand why you're mad at us. We're arrogant, leading the whole War on Terror, but Canada? That's like watching 'Hannity & Colmes' and just hating Colmes. Canada opposed the war in Iraq. You're mad because you want them to withdraw troops from Afghanistan. That is so two Jihads ago. If anything, you should love Canada. Who else could cripple America with their cheap prescription drugs and talented comedians? So, terrorists pick on someone your own size. Do what you want to us, but as far as Canada goes, you leave them 'oot'" --Jon Stewart, on Al Qaeda terrorists apprehended in Canada

"Never again will Brian Williams mislead this great nation about being shot at in a war we probably wouldn’t have ended up in if the media had applied this level of scrutiny to the actual f**king war." –Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was in a bad part of Connecticut (Hey, call me when you have one that simulates MAKING one)

"Brian Williams of NBC News has admitted he embellished a story about being in a helicopter that was shot at in Iraq. Williams says the helicopter part was true but it was a coin-operated helicopter outside of a Chuck E. Cheese. It was in a bad part of Connecticut." –Conan O"Brien

Nintendo is releasing a video game that lets you simulate taking care of a baby. When they heard this, gamers said, “Hey, call me when you have one that simulates MAKING one.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. In a related story, President Obama has already been re-elected.” –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Think about baseball, think about baseball, think about baseball... ($70,000 wasn’t enough)

A 45-foot-tall statue of a nude woman will be placed next to the Washington Monument. Which explains why the Washington Monument is like, “Think about baseball, think about baseball, think about baseball...” –Jimmy Fallon

“The crazy part of Trump’s tax returns isn’t that he spent $70,000 on his hair; it’s that clearly $70,000 wasn’t enough.” —Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of NBC, did you guys see this? Last night, Brian Williams continued with the 'NBC Nightly News' while a high-pitched fire alarm went off in the studio. Yeah, he kept talking over a loud screeching sound - or as that's also known, 'The View.'" –Jimmy Fallon November 2011

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He is a man a heartbeat away from both the presidency and one count of manslaughter (this level of scrutiny)

"President Bush's first stop was Israel. But why is it when you go to Israel, they love us there? Look at the real friendship between Olmert and Bush [on screen: Olmert's various compliments of Bush]. I wonder if Bush's ass is kosher." --Jon Stewart

"Never again will Brian Williams mislead this great nation about being shot at in a war we probably wouldn’t have ended up in if the media had applied this level of scrutiny to the actual f**king war." –Jon Stewart

"I do want to begin with an update on our Vice President, Dick Cheney. He didn't shoot anyone else, but he is a man a heartbeat away from both the presidency and one count of manslaughter." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was in a bad part of Connecticut (I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams)

"A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it." –Conan O'Brien

"NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in." –Conan O'Brien

"Brian Williams of NBC News has admitted he embellished a story about being in a helicopter that was shot at in Iraq. Williams says the helicopter part was true but it was a coin-operated helicopter outside of a Chuck E. Cheese. It was in a bad part of Connecticut." –Conan O"Brien

"Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For scale, that’s four and a half Michael Bloombergs (Fairly simple thing that happens to work)

"My sister has multiple personalities. She called me the other day and my caller ID exploded."--Zach Galifianakis

"Never again will Brian Williams mislead this great nation about being shot at in a war we probably wouldn’t have ended up in if the media had applied this level of scrutiny to the actual f**king war." –Jon Stewart

“The pandemic is having a devastating impact on the economy – restaurants alone could lose $225 Billion in the next three months. For scale, that’s four and a half Michael Bloombergs.” —Samantha Bee

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious (we're getting rid of stuff that's bronze and useless)

"Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News." –Bill Maher

"Rand Paul and Chris Christie both said vaccinations should be a choice, not a government mandate. Because when have Republicans ever told people what they could do with their own bodies?" –Bill Maher

"Obama hosted a Google chat and somebody asked him why don't we get rid of the penny. And he said as long as we're getting rid of stuff that's bronze and useless, how about John Boehner?" –Bill Maher

"Senator Mitch McConnell came out for legalizing hemp. He said during these tough economic times, this legislation has the potential to create jobs, provide a boost to Kentucky's economy and our farmers, and it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well (self-portraits of other people)

"House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, 'Now can I go to Elton John's Oscar party?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, 'If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it's still better than a hotel in Sochi." –Conan O'Brien

"NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in." –Conan O'Brien

"The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah (The moral crisis of our age)

"Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams." –Conan O'Brien

"Brian Williams of NBC News has admitted he embellished a story about being in a helicopter that was shot at in Iraq. Williams says the helicopter part was true but it was a coin-operated helicopter outside of a Chuck E. Cheese. It was in a bad part of Connecticut." –Conan O"Brien

"A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it." –Conan O'Brien

"The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which is a really weird way to begin the nightly news (I never said I was a geology major)

October 2011

"Rick Perry said America's revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, 'I never said I was a geology major.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At the last Republican debate, the candidates were seated according to how they've been doing in the polls. So Jon Huntsman was seated next to Tim Pawlenty at a Denny's across the street." –Conan O'Brien 

"Brian Williams said if he ever left his wife for a man, that man would be Bruce Springsteen. Which is a really weird way to begin the nightly news." –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien (80/50 chance she'll run for president)

June 2011

"A spokesman for Texas Gov. Rick Perry says there's a 50/50 chance he'll run for president. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin says there's an 80/50 chance she'll run for president." –Conan O'Brien

"NBC has apologized for editing out the words 'under God' from its coverage of the U.S. Open. They're also apologizing for Brian Williams signing off with 'Hail Satan.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Bristol Palin's new book says she lost her virginity on a night when she had too many wine coolers. It's in the chapter “Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh, my God, I don't even have a costume yet (It's not you, it's I-95)

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft was seen at the Super Bowl victory party last night wearing a large diamond chain around his neck that said "champions." And Rob Gronkowski was seen wearing one that said, "If found, my address is 242 Maple Street." --Seth Meyers

Officials have announced that Manhattan will be getting its first public beach in 2022. And even though it's three years away, a body has already washed up onshore. --Seth Meyers

February is Black History Month. "Oh, my God, I don't even have a costume yet," said Virginia Governor Ralph Northam. --Seth Meyers

According to a new study, men who live near heavily used roads are more likely to have trouble achieving an erection due to pollution exposure. Said one man, "It's not you, it's I-95." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In person, he lacks a certain...everything (Oh, Bill Kristol, are you ever right?)

"Osama bin Laden's son is now doing TV shows. He was on the 'Today' show the other day. Osama bin Laden's son. I'm almost too embarrassed to be on my own show. But this guy goes out and he's now saying his dad is very sorry for attacking the United States. Osama bin Laden's son is saying that about Osama bin Laden. He says, 'Dad is very sorry about that whole attack.' Well, that's good enough for me. But apparently -- and it's not hard to believe -- that this guy Omar bin Laden had a troubled childhood, a difficult past. When he was 17 -- and this is true, I looked it up -- when he was 17, he wrecked his dad's camel." --David Letterman

"We begin tonight with breaking news from the presidential campaigns [NBC's Brian Williams reporting, 'The field of Republicans running for president got smaller by one today.  Fred Thompson is out']. I promised myself I wouldn't do this [on screen: Stewart starting to cry]. It's a terrible shame, but at least now he can go back to the job he loves as a cereal spokesperson [on screen: Frankenberry]. How the hell did this happen? You remember back in August, Fred Thompson is flying high, second in the polls in August. Expectations were high [on screen: Bill Kristol saying, 'Fred Thompson knows what he is doing and he will be formidable']. Oh, Bill Kristol, are you ever right? 

It was at this point riding high that the Fred Thompson campaign made a fatal and tragic mistake [on screen: Thompson announcing he's running for POTUS on the 'Tonight Show']. He entered the race and sank like a mother-f------ stone. Because what happened was the idea of Fred Thompson suddenly became actual Fred Thompson. See, on screen [on screen: Thompson, in character, yelling, 'Who in the hell could have made a mistake like that?'] he pops. He has got the charisma. But in real life [on screen: Thompson, at a debate, saying, 'I see no reason to see we're headed for -- ah -- for an economic downturn']. In person, he lacks a certain ... everything." --Jon Stewart

You know hurricanes, they hate freedom (three Shakespeares)

"The one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina hitting New Orleans was marked by President Bush with a moment of silence. A little different than a year ago, when President Bush marked the occasion by a week and a half of silence." --Jay Leno

"NBC News was also marking the anniversary [of Hurricane Katrina], but they had to settle for lesser celebrity guests, like this guy who took some time from a tour of New Orleans to tell Brian Williams about all the reading he's been doing this summer [on screen: President Bush saying he's read 'three Shakespeare's' this summer]. The point is that he read three Shakespeare's this summer and that's a great way to kick off eight grade" --Jimmy Kimmel

"I think President Bush gets confused. He said progress is being made in New Orleans and he hopes one day New Orleans will be a democracy. You know hurricanes, they hate freedom." --Jay Leno

Rove needs to get down to his smearing weight (22 pounds)

"Bush kind of blew it. He described his reading list to Brian Williams during the interview as 'epileptic.' I think he was trying for 'eclectic.' What happened? He was doing so well on the Ritalin." --Bill Maher

"Apparently, Bush got into a reading contest with Karl Rove -- who by the way lost 22 pounds so far this year. He said the midterm elections are coming up and he needs to get down to his smearing weight." --Bill Maher

"NBC anchor Brian Williams interviewed President Bush. He asked him about his poll numbers and President Bush said, 'The key for me is to keep expectations low.' I think you can accurately say, 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jay Leno

NBC suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay

"NBC suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay for misrepresenting a story of something that happened to him 12 years ago in Iraq. I have a solution. They should send him up in a helicopter, fire an RPG at it, and if he makes it down, that's enough. He's forgiven." –Jimmy Kimmel



"A lawmaker in Tennessee is pushing to make the Bible the official state book. It would replace Tennessee's current state book, the menu at Cracker Barrel." –Seth Meyers

The New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat

"Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat." –David Letterman

"NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in." –Conan O'Brien



"A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it." –Conan O'Brien

There may be some Obama-Lama drama

"At today's National Prayer Breakfast, President Obama and the Dalai Lama avoided a direct meeting. Uh-oh, sounds like there may be some Obama-Lama drama." –Seth Meyers

"Never again will Brian Williams mislead this great nation about being shot at in a war we probably wouldn’t have ended up in if the media had applied this level of scrutiny to the actual f**king war." –Jon Stewart



"Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams." –Conan O'Brien



Now can I go to Elton John's Oscar party?

"House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, 'Now can I go to Elton John's Oscar party?'" –Conan O'Brien



"Brian Williams of NBC News has admitted he embellished a story about being in a helicopter that was shot at in Iraq. Williams says the helicopter part was true but it was a coin-operated helicopter outside of a Chuck E. Cheese. It was in a bad part of Connecticut." –Conan O"Brien