Not buyin' it (except everyone starts with $60,000 of college debt)

And finally, I saw that Monopoly just released a new version of their game called Monopoly for Millennials. It's just like the original except everyone starts with $60,000 of college debt. --Jimmy Fallon

"On Tuesday, Utah Candidate Mia Love became the first black Republican woman elected to Congress. She's also a Mormon. Yeah, a black female Republican Mormon. Even unicorns are saying, 'Not buyin' it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What's a New York Times? (under a pile of $8 billion)

The New York Times published a quote calling millennials lazy, narcissistic, and obsessed with social media. Meanwhile, millennials have called The New York Times, “What's a 'New York Times?’” –Conan O’Brien

"The stock market is going crazy. Earlier this week, Warren Buffett lost $2 billion. Luckily, Buffett found it this morning under a pile of $8 billion." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the first tortoise in history to be drafted into the NBA (last week’s coughing spell was actually due to a massive bong hit)

A 100-year-old tortoise named Diego has now fathered over 800 offspring. Which is why today, he was the first tortoise in history to be drafted into the NBA. –Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that Hillary Clinton is having a hard time connecting with millennial voters. So now she’s saying that last week’s coughing spell was actually due to a massive bong hit. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Big Daddy Bronzer (and just to cover all my bases, let’s throw in the entire Cheesecake Factory menu)

“You know how they say there’s no such thing as bad publicity? They’re not talking about this. The Wall Street Journal also reported that the documents included hundreds of other names, according to a source. Of course! Names like Donald Trump, Donald John Trump, Donald J Trump, Donnie Trump, Donald Trump Jr’s father, Big Daddy Bronzer AKA the Donald and a mystery man only known as Micro-Penis DJT.” —Stephen Colbert

A video has resurfaced of Jeffrey Epstein’s deposition from 2010, in which he was asked if he ever socialized with Donald Trump in the presence of females under the age of 18. Epstein answered: “Though I’d like to answer that question, at least today, I’m going to have to assert my fifth, sixth and 14th amendment rights, sir.” Not a great sign when the pedophile is being asked if you’re doing a pervert ride-along, and their response is ‘I’d like to invoke the entire constitution, Magna Carta, the Napoleonic code and just to cover all my bases, let’s throw in the entire Cheesecake Factory menu.’ —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which is generally when he moves on to something better (secretly buying democracy: wrong!)

"To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy." –Stephen Colbert

"After disappointing showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt Gingrich’s campaign looked terminally ill – which is generally when he moves on to something better." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

last week’s coughing spell was actually due to a massive bong hit (and neither does my lover, Barry)

It’s come out that Hillary Clinton is having a hard time connecting with millennial voters. So now she’s saying that last week’s coughing spell was actually due to a massive bong hit. –Conan O’Brien

A study just came out that said men who grow up with older brothers are more likely to be gay. I must say, as someone with two older brothers, I don’t think that’s true and neither does my lover, Barry. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It'll be similar to the last version but with s'more features (I said "eating.")

Google has announced that the next version of its Android phone software will be called Marshmallow. It'll be similar to the last version but with s'more features. –Seth Meyers

According to a new study, roughly 20 percent of millennial parents have changed or seriously considered changing their baby's name based on what internet domain names were available at the time. "Don't make the same mistake my parents made," said Pornhub Collins. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s the same bus the Democrats threw President Biden under (This is why I always sign a prenup)

“Meanwhile, ahead of the Democratic National Convention, Kamala Harris and Tim Walz are taking a bus tour together through Pennsylvania. Yeah, and this is interesting — this is interesting — it’s the same bus the Democrats threw President Biden under.” — Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new report, former President Trump is furious at his campaign staff for letting him make the ‘terrible decision of picking JD Vance as his V.P.’ Yeah, Trump regrets pairing up with Vance. He’s like, ‘This is why I always sign a prenup.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, that's what we'll use it for (55% is less than half)

A company in Japan has created a wearable milk tank shaped like a female breast in an effort to make it possible for men to breastfeed their children. Said men, "Yeah, that's what we'll use it for." --Seth Meyers

An Oregon man led police on a 10-mile, high-speed chase on Sunday in a stolen street sweeper truck. On the bright side, by the time he was arrested, his community service was done. –Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, 55% of Americans are in favor of abolishing the electoral college, but unfortunately, because of the electoral college, 55% is less than half. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is what solidarity looks like (No, you take a bite first)

"Yesterday a federal judge suspended President Obama's executive order on immigration. When asked if he's mad about being overruled, Obama said, 'You know I've been married for 23 years, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un invited South Korean officials to dinner. It was described as two hours of "You take a bite." "No, you take a bite first." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he was the only reporter wearing tear-away pants and a dog collar (an invincible love)

And finally, I saw that Monopoly just released a new version of their game called Monopoly for Millennials. It's just like the original except everyone starts with $60,000 of college debt. --Jimmy Fallon

I want to say happy birthday to Prince Charles, who turned 68 today. His friends got him a cake, which was nice until Queen Elizabeth popped out of it and shouted, “Still here!” –Jimmy Fallon

But this isn't the first time the White House has had trouble with a press pass. There have been sort of notable problems with that process, including in the Bush administration when they gave a -- regularly, gave a day pass to someone who turned out to be a male escort. They knew something was up when he was the only reporter wearing tear-away pants and a dog collar. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign (last week’s coughing spell was actually due to a massive bong hit)

During last night's debate, Jeb Bush wanted Donald Trump to apologize to his wife but Trump refused. Trump said, "If I apologized to wives I wouldn't be on my third one." –Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that Hillary Clinton is having a hard time connecting with millennial voters. So now she’s saying that last week’s coughing spell was actually due to a massive bong hit. –Conan O’Brien

The Olive Garden is bringing back its “Pasta Pass,” which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm guessing it was from exhaustion (You worked hard and then closed the door behind you)

In other Hillary Clinton news, her campaign manager, Robby Mook, said in an interview on CNN that they are having a hard time finding someone as "hateful" and "divisive" as Donald Trump to go up against Hillary in her practice debates. It seems like it'd be easy to prep for a Trump debate — just get a parrot and train it to say three things: "email," "wall," and "huge." –James Corden

A man in New Jersey passed away on Tuesday and it became clear that he was cheating on his wife when two obituaries, one by his spouse and the other by his girlfriend, appeared in the local paper, one above the other. I don't know what he died from, but I'm guessing it was from exhaustion. –James Corden

Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison made his sons return two school sports trophies that they received just for participating. He said, "These trophies will be given back until they earn a real trophy." Why do I feel like James Harrison would be the first dad to volunteer his kids for "The Hunger Games"? –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

side of mayo (Pornhub Collins)

According to a new study, roughly 20 percent of millennial parents have changed or seriously considered changing their baby's name based on what internet domain names were available at the time. "Don't make the same mistake my parents made," said Pornhub Collins. --Seth Meyers

President Trump had lunch with Vice President Mike Pence today. He didn't mean to. He just asked a waiter for a side of mayo and they brought Pence over. --Seth Meyers

Google has announced that the next version of its Android phone software will be called Marshmallow. It'll be similar to the last version but with s'more features. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And if you don't see them right away, it's because they're right behind a 25-foot tall portrait of Donald Trump (I'm doing this for America)

CBS announced that season 33 of "Survivor" will be called "Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen-X." It'll start in September, and end 20 minutes later when both teams realize there's no Wi-Fi. –Jimmy Fallon

The Wall Street Journal just reported that America has a surplus of cheese and that every person in the country would have to eat an extra three pounds of cheese this year to get rid of it. So the next time the pizza guy judges you for ordering extra cheese, just say, "I'm doing this for America." –Jimmy Fallon

The New York Times just did a big profile on Donald Trump, and revealed that he has life-sized portraits of Ronald Reagan and John Wayne at his campaign headquarters. And if you don't see them right away, it's because they're right behind a 25-foot tall portrait of Donald Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He wants to see if Mars can sustain life and a casino (What's a New York Times?)

Today President Trump gave NASA $19.5 billion to develop a manned mission to Mars. President Trump said he wants to see if Mars can sustain life and a casino. –Conan O’Brien

A robot has been taught how to write rap songs by being fed more than 6,000 Kanye West lyrics. The problem is, now the robot thinks it’s God. –Conan O’Brien

The New York Times published a quote calling millennials lazy, narcissistic, and obsessed with social media. Meanwhile, millennials have called The New York Times, “What's a 'New York Times?’” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is what solidarity looks like (Look it up yourself, [bleep])

Today for International Women’s Day, women across the country protested by refusing to work. That’s a true story. That’s what happened today. In fact, earlier today Siri told me, “Look it up yourself, [bleep].” And then slapped me. –Conan O’Brien

ABC announced that "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" will now feature a more diverse cast. They’re going to add a contestant who has read a book. –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Joe Biden won three states he didn’t even visit. That’s true, yeah. That explains Biden’s new campaign slogan: ‘Vote for me or I’ll come talk to you.’” — Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The last thing we need is Trump learning more about segregation (Bikini Atoll)

"The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing.

Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically

ignoring Confederate flags." –Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump observed the holiday by visiting the National

Museum of African American History, or more accurately,

canceling his visit to the National Museum of African

American History. Although I guess in a way that might

be good. The last thing we need is Trump learning more

about segregation. –Stephen Colbert

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey is officially cutting down.

Apparently, the circus doesn't think it could compete against

a Trump presidency. –Stephen Colbert

Monopoly is trying to win younger players with a new edition

called Monopoly for Millennials, which they market with the

snarky tagline, “Forget real estate. You can’t afford it anyway.”

If we wanted realism in our board games, we’d have “Your

insurance doesn’t cover that OPERATION,” and CLUE 2018,

where it’s obvious who committed the crime, but somehow

they’re still president anyway. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's just like the original except everyone starts with $60,000 of college debt (I spelled my name right!)

I want to say happy birthday to Prince Charles, who turned 68 today. His friends got him a cake, which was nice until Queen Elizabeth popped out of it and shouted, “Still here!” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump just went on Twitter and bragged about a poll showing that he has a 46 percent approval rating. Really? That’s like posting a math quiz on the fridge where you got a D+. “I spelled my name right!” –Jimmy Fallon

And finally, I saw that Monopoly just released a new version of their game called Monopoly for Millennials. It's just like the original except everyone starts with $60,000 of college debt. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”