Hey, join the club (isn't that called New Jersey?)

"And during a speech at a high school, former President George

W. Bush said he's really enjoying the fact that he's no longer

president. Hey, join the club." --Jay Leno

"An oil slick the size of Rhode Island is making its way across the Gulf of Mexico. An oil slick the size of Rhode Island — isn't that called New Jersey?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded (Force The Vote)

"Dick Cheney went to see the Tom Hanks film 'Angels and Demons,' and through the whole movie he's screaming, 'Go Demons! Go Demons.'" --David Letterman

"In college, Dick Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling." –David Letterman

"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded."  –David Letterman

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face (51 turtles)

"Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush has hired a man to lead his presidential think tank in Dallas. The man was hired because he was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face." --Conan O'Brien

A man has been sentenced to five years in jail for trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. The man has already told his cellmate, "There’s nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven’t." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means? (We Did It)

"It's Day 71 of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They just did a poll that says only 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP, to which I say, 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP? That's 18 million people. Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"BP is running with this, I guess. Their company newsletter has an article that says most gulf residents aren't upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security." –Jimmy Kimmel

For Donald Trump it was an hour-long tirade/hissy fit. He played all the hits. He did “Crooked Hillary,” “MS-13,” “Space Force,” “Lock Her Up.” There was some new material too. He's calling the Russia witch hunt investigation a scam. It's a scam now. He says if the scam gets any bigger they're going to have to start calling it Trump University. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico (This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage)

"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." –Jay Leno

"This has become quite a story; the Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney, while in high school, bullied a gay classmate. Did you hear about this story? In his defense, Romney said that he didn't know the kid was gay; he just thought he was poor." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded (they've put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders)

"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I

went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked

if I wanted it regular or unleaded."  –David Letterman

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

those kids are lying! (silently begging her edible to kick in)

The Trump administration said that Ice agents will now be permitted to arrest migrants in churches, and I can't wait until law enforcement bursts into a church and the priest is like, ‘those kids are lying!’ —Colin Jost

During his address, President Trump said he was changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America and Hillary Clinton, could be seen in the background laughing while he said it. While Kamala could be seen silently begging her edible to kick in. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Y'all can't even push AOC left (I can't do math either)

The UK said it would not recognize President Trump's name change from the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. Trump replied, Great UK, from now on we’ll call you FUK. —Greg Gutfeld

Philadelphia mayor Cheryl Parker is being mocked by sports fans for her inability to spell the word Eagles. When asked to spell the 76ers she said, I can't do math either. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I had no idea The View was filmed in Texas (North North Dakota)

So president elect Trump said he wants to change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. That's not all he also wants to change New Mexico to even better Mexico. As for Canada he plans on renaming it North North Dakota. —Greg Gutfeld

A group of feral hogs has been terrorizing Irving, Texas, tearing up yards and rooting through garbage. Well I had no idea The View was filmed in Texas. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that (183 times)

"Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They were flushing bribe money down the toilet (he ordered the invasion of Louisiana)

 

"In the Gulf of Mexico, 270 miles southwest of New Orleans, drillers have discovered what they say could be the largest oil reserve ever. Once the oil is drilled, it could boost our oil reserves by 50%. They said it would supply us with nearly 50 billion barrels of oil. In fact, the oil companies said this could cut the price of gas by almost a penny. When President Bush heard about this, he ordered the invasion of Louisiana." --Jay Leno

"President Bush also said last night we do not yet have full control of the border. Full control? If we had any less control, there'd be an easy-pass lane." --Jay Leno

"In what has become standard procedure in these kinds of situations, police conducted a room-by-room search of the Capitol building. That's just what congressmen want to hear this week -- a knock at the door and it's the police. They were flushing bribe money down the toilet." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I like sprinkles on my ice cream (Finally some good news for the oil companies)

"Last night President Bush had dinner with the president of Pakistan and the president of Afghanistan. The president of Pakistan claimed Osama bin Laden is hiding in Afghanistan; the president of Afghanistan said Osama's in Pakistan; and President Bush said, 'I like sprinkles on my ice cream.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week a new oil field was discovered under the Gulf of Mexico that could boost the U.S.' oil and gas reserves by 50%. Finally some good news for the oil companies." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We already have a flavor named after you — it’s called vanilla (Who needs a cab when you can Uber a dolphin?)

“I’m a little upset. Why don’t I have his own Ben & Jerry’s flavor? Jimmy Fallon has (The Tonight Dough) and Stephen Colbert has (Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream.) But you can’t just ban Ben & Jerry’s because you don’t like their opinions. I mean, I still eat it, even though I’m annoyed they haven’t given us our own flavor yet. It would be called ‘A Closer Lick,’ and we’ve already mocked up what the container would look like. I sent it to them, and I’ve called their offices and left dozens of messages, and all that happened was one of their interns called me and said, ‘We already have a flavor named after you — it’s called vanilla.’” —Seth Meyers

“Probably due in part to the post-apocalyptic scenes of mass animal extinctions, deadly heat waves, flooded subway stations in New York City, smoke blanketing the sky and turning the sun blood-red, and rings of fire in the Gulf of Mexico, Americans now list climate change as their second-highest priority. But if you’re worried about it, good news! Fox News host Jesse Watters has a solution: just live with it. Earlier this week, Watters instructed his viewers: ‘If you want to stop climate change, you don’t fight climate change. If it’s getting warmer, you adapt to it.’ Yeah, just adapt to it! Who needs a cab when you can Uber a dolphin? Of course, the problem with Uber dolphins is they can’t take a hint when you don’t want to talk.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means? (When Roosevelt did it, no one said a word)

Donald Trump sued Univision today for $500 million, which everyone's making a big deal about, but what future president hasn't sued a TV network for pulling his beauty pageant off the air? When Roosevelt did it, no one said a word. –Jimmy Kimmel

I'm trying to figure out what to make for the Fourth of July. Hamburgers and hot dogs get a lot of attention, but the Fourth is really the blueberry's day to shine. When you need a blue food to round out your red, white, and blue items, there's nowhere else to turn but the blueberry. Every year, the blueberry has it right where it wants us. I say good for the blueberry. It deserves it.—Jimmy Kimmel

"It's Day 71 of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They just did a poll that says only 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP, to which I say, 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP? That's 18 million people. Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means?" –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

If you wonder why he's waiting, it's because it takes him that long to gather a crowd (isn't that called New Jersey?)

"What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence." –Jay Leno

"More problems with the auto industry. General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million cars because of a steering problem. Apparently, the cars are unable to steer out of the path of oncoming Toyotas." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich is going to announce next week that he is dropping out of the presidential race. If you wonder why he's waiting, it's because it takes him that long to gather a crowd." –Jay Leno

"An oil slick the size of Rhode Island is making its way across the Gulf of Mexico. An oil slick the size of Rhode Island — isn't that called New Jersey?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage (Make Jobs, Not War)

"Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage." –Jay Leno

"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." –Jay Leno

"An Indiana Republican congressman named Mark Souder, a married man and father of three, one of these family advocate guys, has resigned after admitting to having an affair with a female staffer. In his resignation statement, he mentions God five times and his wife once. He knows there's a slight chance that God might forgive him. God might let it slide. Not the wife." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders (I always forget Bashful)

"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded."  –David Letterman

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." –David Letterman

"President Obama is meeting with the G-7 leaders. Can you name all of the G-7? I try but I always forget Bashful." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There’s nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven’t (What kind of sicko would sexualize In-N-Out?)

A man has been sentenced to five years in jail for trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. The man has already told his cellmate, "There’s nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven’t." --Conan O’Brien

The hamburger chain In-N-Out is upset because a bikini-clad woman made a video of herself handling their meat in a suggestive way. The CEO said, "What kind of sicko would sexualize In-N-Out?" --Conan O’Brien

"Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They got money for war but can't feed the poor (do you really need an excuse?)

"There are reports that leaders from ISIS and al-Qaida met at a farmhouse in Syria last week, and agreed to work together against their common enemies. That story again: Two radical terrorist groups managed to do what two American political parties cannot." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday the Supreme Court lifted the ban on same-sex marriage in Kansas. They didn't give a reason for the ruling, but then again when a state is famous for a Judy Garland musical about a rainbow and a wizard who comes out of a closet, do you really need an excuse?" –Jimmy Fallon

"After a six-year battle, the Senate will vote next week to begin construction on the Keystone XL pipeline, which is an oil pipeline that runs from Canada to the Gulf Coast. They're hoping the pipeline will provide enough oil to cover Kim Kardashian's next photo shoot." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”