Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.' (they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time)

"Do you know why they're moving? Because some members of Congress have started investigating Halliburton for over-billing and for taking too much of American taxpayers' money for doing too little work. Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.'" --Jay Leno

"BP is now saying they've captured anywhere from 35 percent to 75 percent of the oil that is gushing out of the well. Of course, you've got to keep in mind they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Try Finding Nemo Now (Is 28% still technically an approval rating?)

"Because of the success of 'Toy Story 3,' Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It's BP presents 'Try Finding Nemo Now.'" –Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid (I wish her well)

I read in the paper today, they said human beings were probably responsible for the wildfires. There goes my theory that it was freebasing raccoons. --Bill Maher

"British Petroleum is going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face (51 turtles)

"Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush has hired a man to lead his presidential think tank in Dallas. The man was hired because he was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face." --Conan O'Brien

A man has been sentenced to five years in jail for trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. The man has already told his cellmate, "There’s nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven’t." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They call them 'campaign contributions.' (they've never seen anybody who could lie better than they can)

"Well, during the testimony, the president of BP said the underwater cleanup is pretty effective. And when he was done, Congress gave him a standing ovation. Well, sure, they've never seen anybody who could lie better than they can." –Jay Leno

"According to a new report, BP has the worst safety record of all the oil companies. They've paid over $372 million in fines. Oh, they don't call them fines. They call them 'campaign contributions.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, both of those games went into overtime (our warm up spill)

"A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, 'Hey, both of those games went into overtime.'" –Conan O'Brien

"BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage (Make Jobs, Not War)

"Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage." –Jay Leno

"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." –Jay Leno

"An Indiana Republican congressman named Mark Souder, a married man and father of three, one of these family advocate guys, has resigned after admitting to having an affair with a female staffer. In his resignation statement, he mentions God five times and his wife once. He knows there's a slight chance that God might forgive him. God might let it slide. Not the wife." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's used to being around criminals (Hey, join the club)

"Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay Leno

"And during a speech at a high school, former President George W. Bush said he's really enjoying the fact that he's no longer president. Hey, join the club." --Jay Leno

"And during her confirmation hearings, Judge Sotomayor is going to get tough questions from the senators. But I think she'll be fine. I mean, this is a woman who spent her whole life in the courtroom, so she's used to being around criminals." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fun Fact: $400 Billion is 5% of $7 Trillion (Metaphor! Metaphor!)

In Pennsylvania, a 100-year-old woman has broken the world record for the 100-yard dash in her age group. She won with the record-setting time of "Wednesday." –Conan O’Brien

"BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

At a Ted Cruz rally, Carly Fiorina fell off the stage and Cruz didn’t help her up. The entire crowd immediately began chanting, “Metaphor! Metaphor!” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There’s nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven’t (What kind of sicko would sexualize In-N-Out?)

A man has been sentenced to five years in jail for trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. The man has already told his cellmate, "There’s nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven’t." --Conan O’Brien

The hamburger chain In-N-Out is upset because a bikini-clad woman made a video of herself handling their meat in a suggestive way. The CEO said, "What kind of sicko would sexualize In-N-Out?" --Conan O’Brien

"Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours (Been there, done that)

"Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, 'Been there, done that.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The market is so bad, BP had to lay off 15 senators (Hey, join the club)

"Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay Leno

"Oh man, and the stock market. Another bad day. The market is so bad, BP had to lay off 15 senators." –Jay Leno

"I don't want to say the Republicans are trying to distance themselves from President Bush, but did you see last night? Did you see when Bush was speaking by satellite they kept trying to change the channel?" --Jay Leno

"And during a speech at a high school, former President George W. Bush said he's really enjoying the fact that he's no longer president. Hey, join the club." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded (NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest?)

"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded."  –David Letterman

"When I heard bin Laden had been killed I went, 'Oh, great. NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest?'" –David Letterman

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." –David Letterman

"Last night, Barack Obama was officially nominated Democratic candidate for President of the United States. And I want to tell you something. I really think things are starting to look bad for Hillary." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I love all living things, but that guy was a dick (Their warm up spill)

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'" –Conan O'Brien

"BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

"All the world leaders are in town for the U.N. General Assembly. Yesterday, President Bush met with President Valdis Zatlers of Latvia, President Festus Gontebanye Mogae of Botswana and President Jakaya Kikwete of Tanzania. Or, as Bush calls them, 'Buddy, Slim and Big Guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What is the opposite of a meeting of the minds? (some of my best friends spill oil in this gulf)

“Rush Limbaugh has lost so many advertisers that on Thursday there was five minutes on his show of dead air. And most observers agree he’s never been so eloquent. “–Bill Maher

"CPAC, they didn't invite Chris Christie, but they did invite Rick Perry and Sarah Palin – to answer the question, 'What is the opposite of a meeting of the minds?'" –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is not a regular guy. He was campaigning in Mississippi this week and said ‘some of my best friends spill oil in this gulf.’” –Bill Maher

“Rush Limbaugh: four wives he’s had – no children. Dude, you are birth control.” –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”