I’m screwing it up the best, right? (when he opened his eyes, he was still president)

Happy birthday to President Obama who turned 55 today! He made a wish and blew out the candles, but then when he opened his eyes, he was still president. –Seth Meyers

A Fox News national poll found that people prefer Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump by 10 points. While an MSNBC poll found that Hillary Clinton has already been president for two years. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump yesterday met with RNC officials who reportedly grew so angry with Trump during the meeting that they yelled at him, “Do you realize how badly you’re screwing this up?” Said Trump, “The best? I’m screwing it up the best, right?” –Seth Meyers

when someone who lives in Kenya's complaining about your plumbing (on top of another person)

But in the athletes' defense, the accommodations in Rio are so bad, the cleanest place to sleep is on top of another person. –James Corden

According to a new study, millennials are having significantly less sex than previous generations. I know, like, wait, you're telling me that the people running around trying to catch Pokémon aren't getting [any action]? Shocking! I'm shocked. –James Corden

You know, there have been major electrical and plumbing issues in Rio. One athlete from Kenya wrote, "Please fix my toilet" on a bulletin board in the Olympic village. And you know, when someone who lives in Kenya's complaining about your plumbing, I think that's what they refer to as a wake-up call. –Jimmy Kimmel

Real quick, what does repugnant mean? (obsolete relics from the 1980s)

That's right, no more VCRs, which begs the question, how will the CBS audience continue recording our show? But don't worry, if you do enjoy clinging to obsolete relics from the 1980s, you can still just vote for Donald Trump. –James Corden

Many veterans' families are speaking out against Donald Trump after he began attacking the parents of a Muslim-American soldier, calling Trump repugnant. Said Trump, "I'm the most repugnant. No one is more repugnant than me. Real quick, what does repugnant mean?" –Seth Meyers

After Army father Khizr Khan's convention speech in which he pulled out a pocket-sized copy of the Constitution, sales on Amazon have skyrocketed, making it the second most purchased book. The first is "How to Move to Canada." –Seth Meyers