beaten with sticks/Bar Mitzvah certificate/X-ray vision

"President Obama celebrated Passover with a Seder at the White House. This morning, Donald Trump demanded to see Obama's Bar Mitzvah certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Speaker of the House John Boehner says he will not host a Cinco de Mayo celebration this year. Boehner says he has nothing against Hispanic Americans, and in fact his speaker of the housekeeper is Hispanic. Apparently there's something about those poor, defenseless piñatas being beaten with sticks that makes Boehner cry." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama released his 2010 tax return. It turns out that he made $1.7 million and spent $14 trillion." –Conan O'Brien 

"This week President Bush urged the Senate to give him line item veto power. Later the president said that line item veto power would be nice, but what he really wants is X-ray vision." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Meteorologists originally thought it was coming from Willie Nelson's tour bus (scientists are calling it an ice-hole)

"Airports from London to Warsaw are on their sixth day of shutdown. The airports are closed because a volcano is erupting. Smoke and ash are spreading over Europe. The smoke cloud is big and thick. Meteorologists originally thought it was coming from Willie Nelson's tour bus." –Craig Ferguson

"You can't fly an airplane through an ash plume because the engines will be shut down faster than Mel Gibson at a bar mitzvah." –Craig Ferguson

"The volcano is erupting underneath a glacier, meaning everything kicks up through a hole in the ice. Some scientists are calling it an 'ice-hole,' but other scientists are saying the problem is pre-existing ash, therefore it's more of an 'ash-hole.'" –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Top Ten Signs Your Kid is in Al Qaeda (Pooja Fallujah)

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Kid is in Al Qaeda

10. His name, Mike Jenkins, now goes by Mike Bin Jenkins.

9. Runs inside for cover whenever a satellite flies overhead.

8. His chemistry tutor? Chemical Ali.

7. If he doesn't like what's for dinner, he throws a shoe at you.

6. On invitation to his birthday party, he wrote "No Kurds."

5. Hides in his room and communicates through randomly-released audiotaped messages.

4. Yearbook declares him "Most likely to defeat the American jackals in the name of Allah."

3. Asks to go to sleepaway camp in Peshawar, Pakistan.

2. Happiest day of his life: when Ayman Al Zawahiri showed up at his Bar Mitzvah.

1. Instead of Hannah Montana, he has a crush on Pooja Fallujah.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Let's say Jeffrey Dahmer came to your bar mitzvah (F**k that guy)

"You know those correspondents' dinners that they have in Washington? The media gets a chance for one night to put aside its cozy relationship with the government for one that is instead nauseatingly sycophantic. You'll recall from last year they don't like it much when the entertainment -- what's the word I'm looking for -- pisses on them. Anyway, they had another dinner last night and this time the entertainment was much more to their liking [on screen: Karl Rove rapping]. Let's say Jeffrey Dahmer came to your bar mitzvah, and turned out that he was a great dancer. He's still Jeffrey Dahmer." --Jon Stewart

"I wonder if I could do something like that. Chuck, can you give me a beat? [music starts]. From the West Wing to the Crawford Ranch, Karl Rove has destroyed the executive branch. He has no scruples and I don't mean maybe. He said John McCain had a secret black baby. F**k that guy." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”