I only said those things to you because I sincerely believe you're a terrible person

"Why does Robert Novak hate and why me? It's like I publicly revealed some piece of information he didn't want people to know, and ruined his career. And then, kept asserting it was everyone else's fault, but mine. I don't like this bad blood between us, Robert. If you're watching, and I know you're not, I think it's time to bury the hatchet. We need to get together and talk. We'll meet on neutral ground. You're on Fox. I'm on Comedy Central. How about the Food Network? We can work this out because I know that you're a good person deep down in your thing that they replaced your heart with. I see your redeeming qualities. For example, when I see you on television, you generously absorb all light and oxygen. When you leave an area, it stops raining. And I know in the past I've referred to you as a douchebag, but that's not an air of grandeur, that's just mean. I only said those things to you because I sincerely believe you're a terrible person." --Jon Stewart

"It's rumored in Washington that Condoleezza Rice has a new boyfriend. Allegedly, he's Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. Since he's a diplomat and he visits her at the White House, he has to have a Secret Service code name. Do you know what his Secret Service code name is? 'Captain Kirk.' You know why they call him that? Because he's going where no man has gone before." --Jay Leno