Hillary Clinton is the family values candidate (Oh, oh, Canada)

"The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her. Actually, I heard that she was trying to learn the Canadian national anthem. They were alone in a room and she was heard going, 'Oh, Canada. Oh, oh, Canada.'." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill to build a 700-mile fence along the Mexican border. Apparently, the idea is to keep Mexicans from getting back home." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's opponent in the U.S. Senate race, Rudy Giuliani, the Republican she's going to be running against, has been married three times, had an affair with his chief of staff, had two kids with her while still married to his second wife. This is the first time in history that a Clinton is the 'family values' candidate." --Jay Leno

MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her

"This week, President Bush said he has no plans to invade North Korea. Bush said, 'This time, Rumsfeld and I are going to wing it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver." --David Letterman

"The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her." --Jay Leno

I only said those things to you because I sincerely believe you're a terrible person

"Why does Robert Novak hate and why me? It's like I publicly revealed some piece of information he didn't want people to know, and ruined his career. And then, kept asserting it was everyone else's fault, but mine. I don't like this bad blood between us, Robert. If you're watching, and I know you're not, I think it's time to bury the hatchet. We need to get together and talk. We'll meet on neutral ground. You're on Fox. I'm on Comedy Central. How about the Food Network? We can work this out because I know that you're a good person deep down in your thing that they replaced your heart with. I see your redeeming qualities. For example, when I see you on television, you generously absorb all light and oxygen. When you leave an area, it stops raining. And I know in the past I've referred to you as a douchebag, but that's not an air of grandeur, that's just mean. I only said those things to you because I sincerely believe you're a terrible person." --Jon Stewart

"It's rumored in Washington that Condoleezza Rice has a new boyfriend. Allegedly, he's Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. Since he's a diplomat and he visits her at the White House, he has to have a Secret Service code name. Do you know what his Secret Service code name is? 'Captain Kirk.' You know why they call him that? Because he's going where no man has gone before." --Jay Leno