He told him he'd bring him back a boomerang (Never travel with this guy)

 

"President Bush was in Austria yesterday. You know, I think he's confused. He's not good on geography. On his way to Austria, he told Dick Cheney he'd bring him back a boomerang." --Jay Leno

"The Federal Trade Commission said today they did not find any signs, no signs that the oil industry illegally manipulated gas prices. They also found no signs of steroid use in baseball, there was no gang activity in Los Angeles and Kenny Rogers had no plastic surgery whatsoever." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Dude, let’s put rainbow sprinkles on the lo mein (nuggets on a string)

The Biden administration plans to reclassify marijuana from a schedule I drug to a schedule III drug, along with ketamine and some anabolic steroids. Yes, weed and steroids will now be in the same league. So get ready for Phish fans who are jacked. —Stephen Colbert

Political watchers speculate that the move could boost flagging support for Biden from younger voters. Yes, it could help Biden. Or it could lead to a write-in campaign for ‘Dude, let’s put rainbow sprinkles on the lo mein.’ —Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump has fallen asleep so many times during his trial, in fact, that his attorneys have reportedly tried a number of different devices to keep him awake. Yes, many devices. The most successful of which has been nuggets on a string. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you're thinking of wearing them while watching basketball, don't. You will pass out (two healthy twins weighing in at 6 pounds, 7 “oncés.”)

Speaking of the World Cup, a company has created a pair of women's underwear specially designed for the tournament that vibrate whenever a goal is scored. They're fun during the World Cup, but back home in America, if you're thinking of wearing them while watching basketball, don't. You will pass out. --James Corden

There's a lot of controversy around the summer Olympic Games and now Russia's track and field team are barred from the competition after allegations of use of performance-enhancing drugs. Apparently the Russian athletes were so upset they barely had enough of an appetite to finish their morning bowl of steroids. –James Corden

The big news over the weekend is that Beyoncé’s twins are here! Beyoncé’s father announced on Twitter that she gave birth last week to two healthy twins weighing in at 6 pounds, 7 “oncés.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The speech is entitled, 'Uh-oh.' (Question of the day)

"There's a new book that's coming out about Sarah Palin. And the book contains a copy of the speech she would have given if John McCain had won and she had became vice president. Yeah. The speech is entitled, 'Uh-oh.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Bush made a surprise trip to Afghanistan, and he promised the Afghanis that the United States would not cut and run. Then he got on his plane and left." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Roger Clemens testified before Congress about his alleged use of steroids and human growth hormone. There was an awkward moment when Clemens leaned on the table and it shattered." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s perfect – there’s one for each of his secret children (Queen Victoria spinning in her grave)

October 2022

“We have news of a new UK prime minister: Rishi Sunak, the former finance minister, who on Tuesday became Britain’s first prime minister of south Asian descent, its first Hindu prime minister and the nation’s first leader of color. Which means Britons will be able to run their entire power grid off the turbines connected to Queen Victoria spinning in her grave.” —Stephen Colbert

“Sunak took over from Liz Truss, who resigned on Thursday after just 45 days in office, the shortest tenure in British history. That’s not a term in office. That’s a juice cleanse.” —Stephen Colbert

“On to domestic politics, namely the contentious Senate race between Democrat Raphael Warnock and former football star and ‘steroids Erkel’ Herschel Walker in Georgia. Among numerous scandals, Walker has lied about his work with law enforcement and flashed an honorary sheriff badge during a debate. OK, but that doesn’t make you a real cop! That’s why flight attendants don’t ever say, ‘attention, passengers, we have a medical emergency in the cabin. Does anybody here have an honorary doctorate? Fine arts or better only.’ Yet Walker has grabbed that crazy ball and has run with it, as his campaign has ordered 1,000 imitation plastic law enforcement badges that say ‘I’m with Herschel’ as a fundraising tool. A thousand toy badges? That’s perfect – there’s one for each of his secret children.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is that a good idea, giving President Bush more syllables to pronounce? (That's what unions are for)

"President Bush is the fittest president in history. They said it's because he spends a lot of time exercising. See a lot of our previous presidents wasted that time reading." --Jay Leno

"President Bush believes Rafael Palmeiro. He said he considers Palmeiro a friend and tests or no tests, he believes him. Maybe Rafael Palmeiro is the one who told him there were weapons of mass destruction." --Jimmy Kimmel, on whether Palmeiro used steroids

"The White House has changed their slogan from the war on terror to the global struggle against violent extremism. Well that just rolls off the tongue. Is that a good idea, giving President Bush more syllables to pronounce?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It wants to do what horses want to do: D.J. (Does he think the horse tested positive for Antifa?)

May 2021

“This year’s Kentucky Derby-winning horse, Medina Spirit, tested positive for steroids over the weekend. Donald Trump took to his blog to weigh in with a statement in which he referred to the horse as a ‘junkie.’ What is he talking about? Does he think the horse tested positive for Antifa?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And honestly, if he’s going to start picking fights with horses, we should let him back on Twitter, because I want to see that.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“I just can’t stop laughing at the image of Trump at his desk writing about his thoughts about a horse by hand.” —Jimmy Fallon

“It is weird, though, to put this on the horse, right? I mean it’s not like the horse wants to take drugs or train all day or race around the track getting slapped on the ass — it’s a horse. It wants to do what horses want to do: D.J.” —Trevor Noah

“Yo, guys, I still can’t believe this guy was president. I mean this man is a legend. What other ex-president spends their time roasting horses?” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He left his accomplice stranded on the roof as the cops closed in (getting kicked out for steroids)

January 2021

“There are reports that Mitch McConnell was ‘pleased’ House Democrats moved to impeach Donald Trump, the better to purge him from the GOP. Of course McConnell is pleased. He’s like a guy who robbed a bank, jumped on a helicopter to Fiji, and pulled up a rope ladder, leaving his accomplice stranded on the roof as the cops closed in.” —Seth Meyers

“With the House vote, Donald Trump became not only the first president to face impeachment twice, but the only president to be impeached twice and lose the popular vote twice. He will be emblazoned in history as an embarrassment and a disgrace. No politician has ever been more thoroughly and more frequently repudiated by the American people. It’s like entering the Tour de France, coming in dead last, and getting kicked out for steroids, then entering again the next year only to forget your bike, forcing you to steal someone else’s and scream ‘you’ll never catch me!’ before crashing into a cow.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thank you for voting for our puppets (explaining to fans what a woman is)

In his new book baseball slugger Jose Canseco said he took steroids when he played for the Texas Rangers and that owner George W. Bush knew all about it. In response President Bush said, “That's ridiculous. I've never known all about anything.” --Conan O’Brien 2/9/2005

The Atari company has released a video game based on Dungeons & Dragons in which two male characters marry each other. The makers of the video say marrying two men was easier than explaining to fans of Dungeons & Dragons what a woman is. --Conan O’Brien 4/8/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He can now order his steroids by email (two extra hands)

Last night Britney Spears manager canceled Britney's concert in Cleveland because she got sick. And by sick he means there was a problem with the playback machine. --Conan O’Brien 4/2/2004

This week the San Francisco Giants announced that their ballpark is now a Wi-Fi hotspot and as a result fans can connect to the internet from anywhere in the stadium. Even better Barry Bonds can now order his steroids by email. --Conan O’Brien 4/2/2004

In the papers it's been reported that a woman in China who went in for a breast enlargement surgery ended up with two extra breasts. In a related story her husband wants to have surgery to give him two extra hands. --Conan O’Brien 4/2/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

they had to flip a coin to see who's going to tell the first lie (Hey, try it for eight years)

"And as you know, pro baseball player Alex Rodriguez, or A-Rod, has admitted to using steroids. He said he feels bad because he was stupid for three years, to which former President George W. Bush said, 'Hey, try it for eight years.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, today, the heads of the eight largest banks testified before Congress. Bank C.E.O.'s in a room full of politicians -- they had to flip a coin to see who's going to tell the first lie." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

JOKES: Romney has already gone back to playing Trevor St. John on One Life To Live

"Congress is holding hearings on baseball and steroids. Congress is committed to removing performance-enhancing drugs from baseball. You know, I got a better idea. Why don't we get performance-enhancing drugs out of baseball and give them to Congress? What is their approval rate? 13%? Maybe it would help." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says if John McCain is the Republican nominee, he will campaign for him. Well, you can't do better than that." --David Letterman

"How about Mitt Romney, you know, he resigned. He dropped out of the campaign. He put it on hold. He suspended his campaign, that is the word, he suspended his campaign. A lot of you folks are worried about Mitt. Don't worry about Mitt. He has already gone back to playing Trevor St. John on 'One Life To Live.'" --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: U.S. Constitution? I'm sure I saw that in here somewhere

"Roger Clemens denied before Congress that he was ever injected with steroids or human growth hormones. Then he gave himself away when he asked for a pillow to sit on during the rest of his testimony." --Jay Leno

"How about the presidential race? Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. Indications are she getting a little nervous, maybe a little desperate. Earlier today, she showed up wearing a painted-on pantsuit." --David Letterman

"Have you been watching the Roger Clemens congressional hearings? He denies being injected by his trainer. But what I thought was interesting was every time they mentioned 'buttocks,' Sen. Larry Craig swooned." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

or as it's technically called, "wanting it more" (three-second 100-meter dash)

A skydiver in California just became the first person to jump out of a plane from 25,000 feet without a parachute and land in a net. Or as Southwest Airlines calls that, “Business Class.” –Jimmy Fallon

It's alleged that almost 100 athletes are suspected of using banned substances in the 2008 and 2012 Olympics. And they suspect many athletes this year, too, because anyone who wants to go to the Rio Olympics has to be on drugs. –James Corden

Ninety-eight athletes in the last two Olympics are suspected of doping, or as it's technically called, "wanting it more." –James Corden

At this point, they should just make peeing in a cup into an Olympic sport. Just let everyone do drugs. Everyone doing drugs is a fair playing field. What's more exciting than a nine-second 100-meter dash? A three-second 100-meter dash. –James Corden

Didn't you used to be governor of New Jersey? (The Decider)

"Yesterday, President Bush announced that he was the decider. I was thinking, wasn't that an old CBS show with Joe Pantoliano?"

--David Letterman

"Yesterday, the White House sponsored the annual Easter Egg hunt on the South Lawn. The winning child found six eggs and fourteen lobbyists hiding in the bushes. Actually, if you saw it, yesterday's celebration was marred when three of the kids tested positive for steroids. And for the first time ever, President Bush welcomed some gay couples to the White House Easter Egg roll. In fact, he recognized one couple, he said, 'Didn't you used to be governor of New Jersey?'" --Jay Leno

"I don't want to say Rumsfeld is in trouble, but this morning they found him hiding in a spider hole." --Jay Leno

I'm tired of this, I'd rather be governor (sending the wrong message)

"The Federal Trade Commission said today they did not find any signs, no signs that the oil industry illegally manipulated gas prices. They also found no signs of steroid use in baseball, there was no gang activity in Los Angeles and Kenny Rogers had no plastic surgery whatsoever." --Jay Leno

"Let's see what's new with New Jersey Governor Jim 'Keep On Truckin' McGreevy. Former New Jersey Governor  Jim McGreevy has written a book where he said he used to cruise highway rest stops looking to have anonymous sex with gay truckers. At what point do you stop having anonymous sex at truck stops and say to yourself I'm tired of this, I'd rather be governor?" --Jay Leno

"McGreevy said he came out of the closet when he realized where this sort of lifestyle would lead -- marriage to Liza Minelli." --Jay Leno

a nice beautiful wall paid for by Mexico (morning bowl of steroids)

There's a lot of controversy around the summer Olympic Games and now Russia's track and field team are barred from the competition after allegations of use of performance-enhancing drugs. Apparently the Russian athletes were so upset they barely had enough of an appetite to finish their morning bowl of steroids. –James Corden

Hillary Clinton gave a speech in Columbus, Ohio, where she called Trump an uncaring businessman. Which I guess is supposed to be an insult, except those are the exact words he has printed on his business card. –Jimmy Kimmel

Hillary Clinton's senior adviser said if we were to put Trump behind the wheel of the American economy, he would drive us off a cliff. That's ridiculous. He's going to drive us into a wall, a nice beautiful wall paid for by Mexico. –Jimmy Kimmel