they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded (Force The Vote)

"Dick Cheney went to see the Tom Hanks film 'Angels and Demons,' and through the whole movie he's screaming, 'Go Demons! Go Demons.'" --David Letterman

"In college, Dick Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling." –David Letterman

"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded."  –David Letterman

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers (they're complicit)

The Cuban government recently returned a missing U.S. missile that was sent to Europe for training, but was accidentally shipped to Cuba. So the good news is that the missile was returned to America. But the bad news is THAT CAN HAPPEN! –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama was spotted at a steak restaurant in D.C. This week with Morgan Freeman and Tom Hanks. They didn't even order anything. They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We all assume he failed everything (Cupcakes and Orgasms!)

Last week Michael Cohen told congress that Trump ordered him to threaten his high school to never release his grades. What could he possibly be hiding? We all assume he failed everything. --Stephen Colbert

In a poll last year, 90% of Americans said that they thought it was important that guaranteed coverage for pre-existing conditions remains the law. That’s huge! The only thing with a higher approval rating is Tom Hanks on a unicorn throwing you a birthday party where the theme is “Cupcakes and Orgasms!” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Go Demons! Go Demons! (183 times)

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney went to see the Tom Hanks film 'Angels and Demons,' and through the whole movie he's screaming, 'Go Demons! Go Demons.'" --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Do you remember our last president who spent his entire professional life in government? (The government is like a box of chocolates)

President Trump made some comments at a rally for his supporters about groceries. Trump, “What about that old fashioned term groceries. It's an old fashioned term that we use, groceries. I used it on the campaign, it's such an old fashioned term but a beautiful term, groceries. It sort of says a bag with different things in it.” Yeah, it's a bag with different things in it. That's how they describe Joy Behar’s CAT scan. —Greg Gutfeld

Do you remember our last president who spent his entire professional life in government? He doesn’t. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

NHL: Arizona Coyotes vs Columbus Blue Jackets

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

He told him he'd bring him back a boomerang (Never travel with this guy)

 

"President Bush was in Austria yesterday. You know, I think he's confused. He's not good on geography. On his way to Austria, he told Dick Cheney he'd bring him back a boomerang." --Jay Leno

"The Federal Trade Commission said today they did not find any signs, no signs that the oil industry illegally manipulated gas prices. They also found no signs of steroid use in baseball, there was no gang activity in Los Angeles and Kenny Rogers had no plastic surgery whatsoever." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That show doesn't have a prayer (Go Demons! Go Demons!)

"Al-Qaida has a new leader. Experts are calling him a temporary

leader - and so is SEAL Team 6. " --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney went to see the Tom Hanks film 'Angels and Demons,' and through the whole movie he's screaming, 'Go Demons! Go Demons.'" --David Letterman

"When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers (he also wore a fantastic wig)

President Obama was spotted at a steak restaurant in D.C. This week with Morgan Freeman and Tom Hanks. They didn't even order anything. They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, John Kasich said his favorite president was George Washington because he could have been president forever but stepped down after two terms. While Trump said his favorite president was George Washington 'cause he also wore a fantastic wig. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, give that back! I danced my butt off for that money (You mean my tape recorder?)

The Tom Hanks movie "Sully," about the miracle on the Hudson, landed in theaters this weekend, which was pretty shocking because it was supposed to land in Charlotte. –Seth Meyers

A New York man was arrested this morning after allegedly stealing $600 from the bra of a 93-year-old woman. The woman was like, "Hey, give that back! I danced my butt off for that money." –Seth Meyers

President Trump on Friday claimed the quotes in Bob Woodward's book were made up and that Woodward uses every trick in the book to demean and belittle. Said Woodward, "You mean my tape recorder?" --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It’s going to take a lot of reverse mortgage ads to pay that one off (selling ad space on Tucker Carlson’s forehead)

April 2023

“It’s going to take a lot of reverse mortgage ads to pay that one off.” —Jimmy Kimmel on Fox’s $800 Million Dominion settlement

“Immediately after the settlement, Fox issued a statement that said, ‘This settlement reflects Fox’s commitment to the highest journalistic standards.’ They’re already lying in their statement about lying.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s a fitting lesson for the world from the American justice system. Yes, it is — there’s a price to pay for lying to the American people, and if you can afford that price, go for it!” —James Corden

“Fox News has to pay Dominion nearly $800 million. It’s so much money, they’ve already started selling ad space on Tucker Carlson’s forehead.” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So get ready for the republican party’s new healthcare mascot, Deathy, the Friendly Tombstone! (If I were still alive, I’d vote for Trump)

Republicans have talked about repealing Obamacare for years now, but Trump has never announced a plan to replace ObamaCare with anything. So get ready for the republican party’s new healthcare mascot, Deathy, the Friendly Tombstone!” --Stephen Colbert

For weeks now, Republicans have been pushing their Obamacare replacement plan. But the bill has a pre-existing condition: Everybody hates it! –Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump has to feel very certain about his base to yank away their healthcare right before an election. It explains all those new yard signs, “If I were still alive, I’d vote for Trump.” --Stephen Colbert

In a poll last year, 90% of Americans said that they thought it was important that guaranteed coverage for pre-existing conditions remains the law. That’s huge! The only thing with a higher approval rating is Tom Hanks on a unicorn throwing you a birthday party where the theme is “Cupcakes and Orgasms!” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Joke's on you — I didn't have any supporters! (They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers)

According to a recent study of college students, some TV shows help viewers become Kinder and more generous people. For instance, every time after I watch "The Bachelor" I always put more money into my daughters' college funds. –Jimmy Fallon

After doing poorly in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina, Jeb Bush announced that he’s dropping out of the race. Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are both hoping to pick up Jeb’s supporters. Then Jeb said, “Joke's on you — I didn't have any supporters!” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama was spotted at a steak restaurant in D.C. This week with Morgan Freeman and Tom Hanks. They didn't even order anything. They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They say as Papa Smurf goes, so goes the South (The Color of Our Oppression)

"The most important question, though, is who does Oprah support? It was revealed today that Oprah is backing Barack Obama. He joins Dreyer's frozen fruit bars as one of Oprah's favorite things. I guess their names are so similar, she got confused and thought she was supporting herself for president." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"The story is O.J. convinced five other guys to go into a room to retrieve sports memorabilia that he says belonged to him. And as the late Johnnie Cochran once said, 'You can't steal-a your own memorabilia.' So now O.J. is in jail. Today he asked for reading glasses and a Bible. Actually, he wanted a Bible with the sixth and eighth commandments removed." --Jimmy Kimmel

President Bush has got a little less than a year left in office so he is trying to squeeze in as many free trips as he can. He's visiting Africa - this is his second trip there as a President. This time, he's going to meet with a number of key leaders including the President of Benin and the leader of Rwanda. Last time, he refused to meet anyone other than Babar, the cartoon elephant." --Jimmy Kimmel

"CNN found out which celebrities are donating money to which presidential campaigns. See if you notice any kind of a pattern here. Hillary Clinton's campaign got money from Paul Newman, Tobey Maguire, Tom Hanks, and Ben Stiller. Barack Obama got donations from Will Smith, Cedric the Entertainer, Isaiah Washington, and Jamie Foxx. And Dennis Kucinich, he actually got some celebrity money. He got checks from Verne Troyer, Emmanuel Lewis, Dr. Ruth, and Papa Smurf. They say as Papa Smurf goes, so goes the South." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you ban everyone who lies for Trump on TV, Fox News would just be a test pattern (Cupcakes and Orgasms!)

In a poll last year, 90% of Americans said that they thought it was important that guaranteed coverage for pre-existing conditions remains the law. That’s huge! The only thing with a higher approval rating is Tom Hanks on a unicorn throwing you a birthday party where the theme is “Cupcakes and Orgasms!” --Stephen Colbert

If you ban everyone who lies for Trump on TV, Fox News would just be a test pattern. --Stephen Colbert

A few years ago Tucker Carlson was a regular guest on a radio show called Bubba the Love Sponge. One of the many things that Carlson said that have people upset, is that he called women “Primitive.” Sure, women are primitive. In that right now, many of them want to throw Tucker Carlson into a volcano. --Stephen Colbert

A new home has been found for some geese in Kailua, Hawaii. Some private landowners wanted the geese off their property, but there was a public outcry after an exterminator had been sent to kill all the ducks and geese on Enchanted Lake. It might be time to reassess your career choices when you’re waking up in the morning and saying, “Well, time to kill everything on Enchanted Lake.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers (Join the club)

Donald Trump's plane made an emergency landing in Nashville yesterday after reporting engine problems. When asked what the issue was, the pilot said, "Nothing, I just couldn't take it anymore.” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama was spotted at a steak restaurant in D.C. This week with Morgan Freeman and Tom Hanks. They didn't even order anything. They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers. –Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, a man in Kentucky caught a 20-pound goldfish. The hard part will be flushing it down the toilet when it dies. Get the plunger. --Jimmy Fallon

"The entire East Coast is covered with snow banks and snow drifts, or as Toyota drivers call them — 'cushions.'" –Jimmy Fallon

While Donald Trump was speaking at a rally in Atlanta, the lights suddenly went out and Trump said he actually liked it more in the dark. Then Melania Trump said, “Join the club.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A riddle Tom Hanks would have to solve in the Da Vinci Code to find out the location of the Holy Grail (worms are almost gone)

August 2021

“Comirnaty? It already had a great name: Pfizer vaccine. I mean, I understand using a complicated name like Viberzi or Xifaxan for IBS drugs so you don’t have to ask your doctor about, I don’t know, ‘diarrhea-be-gone’. The name comes from the term ‘Covid-19 immunity’, with ‘mRNA’, the shot’s underlying technology, embedded in the middle, and is meant to evoke the word community. God, it’s like a riddle Tom Hanks would have to solve in the Da Vinci Code to find out the location of the Holy Grail.” —Seth Meyers

“Meanwhile, the Moderna and Johnson & Johnson vaccines don’t need F.D.A. approval. They spent lockdown learning to love themselves.” —James Corden

“But the vaccine isn’t the only thing keeping the F.D.A. busy. They recently had to tell people not to treat Covid with a drug that’s given to animals with worms. This is real. They tweeted: ‘You are not a horse. You are not a cow. Seriously y’all, stop it.’ Meanwhile, the people taking it are like, ‘Laugh all you want, but I don’t have Covid, and the worms are almost gone.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

congratulations to the New York Knicks, it’s the best thing to happen to them all year (this is werewolf time)

“Hey, coronavirus! OK, yeah, you can shut down Italy, you can shut down South Korea, you can destroy our economy, but keep your filthy nucleocapsid proteins off Tom Hanks! The man is an American treasure! This is like learning the Liberty Bell has herpes.” —Stephen Colbert

“The NBA suspended its season, for example, so congratulations to the New York Knicks, it’s the best thing to happen to them all year.” —Stephen Colbert

“We are temporarily going off the air. We’re in this weird moment right now where it’s difficult for the media and public health experts to convey the severity of what’s happening without sounding hysterical. It’s like being the one person in a horror movie who knows they’re in a horror movie. Like all the sexy teens are like, ‘Guys, I have an idea, let’s go skinny dipping in the pool during the full moon.’ And then there’s a doctor in a lab coat standing there screaming, ‘Statistically speaking, this is werewolf time.’” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I didn’t even think he had genitals (letting everyone touch his chocolates)

“Yes, ladies and gentlemen, corona got to Tom Hanks. And this man’s already been through so much. I mean, think about it. After the war he’s been through and that time his plane crashed, and he already had to deal with his dog dying. I feel bad for him. I mean, at the same time, he shouldn’t have been letting everyone touch his chocolates. That’s probably how he got it.” —Trevor Noah

“But, regardless, he has announced that him and his wife, Rita Wilson, are going to be in isolation. And, luckily, he’s used to being stuck alone with Wilson, so he’ll be fine.” —Trevor Noah

“I can’t believe Tom Hanks is first celebrity to get the virus. I would’ve expected someone ridiculous like Flavor Flav or Charlie Sheen or Sarah Palin. But Tom Hanks? This is insane! This is like finding out Mr. Rogers has chlamydia. You’d be like, ‘I didn’t even think he had genitals.’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the republican party’s new healthcare mascot, Deathy, the Friendly Tombstone! (and another thing...)

Yesterday, the Trump Administration announced that the entire Affordable Care Act should be struck down, including protections for people with pre-existing conditions. Yes, now that he’s free of the Mueller investigation, Trump can focus on his real enemies - the living. --Stephen Colbert

In a poll last year, 90% of Americans said that they thought it was important that guaranteed coverage for pre-existing conditions remains the law. That’s huge! The only thing with a higher approval rating is Tom Hanks on a unicorn throwing you a birthday party where the theme is “Cupcakes and Orgasms!” --Stephen Colbert

Republicans have talked about repealing Obamacare for years now, but Trump has never announced a plan to replace Obamacare with anything. So get ready for the republican party’s new healthcare mascot, Deathy, the Friendly Tombstone!” --Stephen Colbert

Trump has to feel very certain about his base to yank away their healthcare right before an election. It explains all those new yard signs, “If I were still alive, I’d vote for Trump.” --Stephen Colbert

If you ban everyone who lies for Trump on TV, Fox News would just be a test pattern. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”