She’s like the person who shows up to your wedding wearing white, or goes to your funeral in a coffin (So remember to tip, because your delivery guy definitely has an ax)

“Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema has decided to leave the Democratic party and register as an independent. That is shocking – Kyrsten Sinema was a Democrat? Sinema announced her decision days after Raphael Warnock won the Georgia runoff election, securing a clear Democratic majority in the Senate. Naturally, Sinema decided to make it about her. She’s like the person who shows up to your wedding wearing white, or goes to your funeral in a coffin.” —Stephen Colbert

“Well, guys, we are right in the middle of the holiday season, and I saw that Instacart is now offering same-day delivery for Christmas trees. So remember to tip, because your delivery guy definitely has an ax.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, Elon Musk also said that Twitter's character limit for tweets is going to increase from 280 to 4,000. People are like, ‘4,000 characters? At that point, I may as well get my news from the news.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump plans to terminate the Constitution by asking Herschel Walker to drive it to the clinic. (Cool. Now do deodorant.)

December 2022

“Raphael Warnock not defeated Herschel Walker in Georgia's Senate runoff race. I don’t think this is the last you’ll hear from Herschel Walker unless he’s your biological father.” —Michael Che

“With Raphael Warnock's win, Democrats in the Senate will no longer have to rely on vice president Kamala Harris for tie-breaking votes. Harris can now focus on her main priority. Waiting for a worse bike accident.” —Michael Che

“Donald Trump said the results of the 2020 election should be overturned and called for the termination of the Constitution. Trump plans to terminate the Constitution by asking Herschel Walker to drive it to the clinic.” —Michael Che

“A new album from R. Kelly was removed from streaming sights several hours after being uploaded. And it was not easy to remove his streams said the maid who cleans his couch.”  —Michael Che

“France announced that it will start providing free condoms for people between the ages of 18 and 25. Cool. Now do deodorant.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

an endorsement from Trump is almost as worthless as a degree from Trump University (this walking vasectomy commercial)

December 2022

“This loss in the Georgia election is a tough break for Herschel Walker, though it will take him a couple days to understand what has happened. With this loss, Walker is expected to return to his previous job: lying about having previous jobs and on the bright side, it gives him more time to spend with his family, and more time to figure out who that is.” —Stephen Colbert

“Walker’s loss was another blow to Donald Trump. Even before last night, the major candidates that he endorsed in Nevada, Arizona, Pennsylvania, New Hampshire and Michigan all lost, leading some Republican insiders to claim that Georgia ‘broke’ Trump for good. Yes, Georgia broke him. Or as I just texted everyone in my phone: peach emoji, fist emoji.” —Stephen Colbert

“When you take a moment, when you step away from this race – do you understand how crazy this was? You had Raphael Warnock, a pastor. A pastor who is preaching at the same church as MLK. And Herschel Walker, a man who thinks MLK is how you spell milk.” —Trevor Noah

“Warnock is a gracious man – he was talking about democracy and America’s promise. I would’ve been up there like ‘are you people kidding me with this shit?!’ You guys are giving me a two-point win over this walking vasectomy commercial? Are you kidding me?!’” —Trevor Noah

“After Herschel Walker’s loss in the Georgia election, an endorsement from Trump is almost as worthless as a degree from Trump University.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sorry, but you can’t complain about a neck bite after you open the door and invite in a vampire (He’d never side against one of his own)

December 2022

“We are celebrating Raphael Warnock’s victory over Herschel Walker in the Georgia runoff election on Tuesday, which secured a clear majority in the US Senate for Democrats. Walker, a former football star backed by Donald Trump, was so deeply unqualified that much of the time it seemed like he didn’t even know what was going on. Walker’s loss – the latest disappointment for a slate of Trump-backed candidates – was greeted with light condemnation from Republican pundits. On Fox News, Laura Ingraham and Kellyanne Conway blamed Walker’s loss on the fact that ‘a lot of people’ at the ‘top of the Republican party’ told voters not to vote early or by mail for the past few elections. It’s so amazing to watch these people suddenly start complaining about the consequences of their own actions. You were Trump’s fiercest supporters when he was claiming mail-in voting led to fraud, and now you’re whining that the Republicans don’t vote by mail? Sorry, but you can’t complain about a neck bite after you open the door and invite in a vampire.” —Seth Meyers

“Laura Ingraham, with the energy of a country club patron who’s been made aware they’ve changed chefs, also blamed Senate Republicans for not campaigning enthusiastically enough for Walker. You’re mad that Senate Republicans didn’t want Walker to join them? You think they wanted to spend all their down time between votes talking about whether vampires are cooler than werewolves. You think that’s Mitch McConnell’s idea of a good time? Besides, you know he’s going to pick vampires. He’d never side against one of his own.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And if someone mentions that at the office holiday party, do not split an Uber home (hanging in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago)

December 2022

“Donald Trump's unfavorable rating has surged to 67%. To give you an idea of how bad that is, Kanye is only at 66.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Dahmer just became the third show on Netflix to hit 1 billion hours viewed in 60 days. Wow! And if someone mentions that at the office holiday party, do not split an Uber home.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But I just saw that the police just warned tourists to be on the lookout for pickpockets. And to everyone in the audience who just checked your pockets, it's too late now. You can never be too safe. That's why this time of year, instead of a wallet, I keep all my money in crypto.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is the Georgia Senate runoff between Herschel Walker and Senator Raphael Warnock. Warnock's supporters said that they're voting for him because of his policies, while Walker's supporters say they're voting for him because it's funny. More than 1.8 million Georgia residents have already voted, and that's just Herschel Walker's children.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Over the weekend, former President Trump called for the 2020 election to be overturned by terminating the Constitution. And Trump can actually do it because he has the real Constitution hanging in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But he did play football, that is true (That belongs to my boss)

December 2022

“The Trump Organization has been convicted on 17 counts of tax fraud and other financial crimes. And you know what that means – Donald Trump is going to prison! To visit all the lower-ranking people who did this without his knowledge or permission. Because we all know that’s how that works in the world, right? All the successes in the Trump Organization, they’re due to the genius of Donald Trump. All the crimes, he had no idea.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s the final campaign push of the Georgia run-off between Walker and Warnock. Usually during the final push, Walker is miles away from the hospital at a Waffle House telling a waitress she’s the one.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Even though he’s a beloved local football hero, Herschel Walker has not exactly inspired passion among Republican voters. You go down a list of what their party supposedly values most and it doesn’t seem to align. Family values? He’s a serial domestic abuser with more kids than a Dave & Buster’s on a Saturday at noon. Charity? He claimed his company gave 15% of their profits to charity; three of the four charities listed on his website said he gave nothing, the other said no comment. Pro-life? He was Planned Parenthood’s customer of year, I think. Pro-law enforcement? He lied about being a cop, an FBI agent, exaggerated his non-existent military service. Pro-Georgia? He himself mistakenly admitted he lives in Texas, not Georgia. But he did play football, that is true.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He spent years fathering as many voters as possible (self-aware cinderblock)

December 2022

“Can we all agree that the self-aware cinderblock known as Herschel Walker does not belong in the Senate.” —Stephen Colbert

“The US Senate is no place for people whose brains don’t work because of football injuries. It’s a place for people whose brains don’t work because they’re 1,000 years old.” —Stephen Colbert

“Herschel Walker, the Republican backed by Donald Trump, went into election day trailing in the polls behind Democratic rival Raphael Warnock, who was declared the victor late on Tuesday night. It’s not like Herschel didn’t try. He spent years fathering as many voters as possible.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, how long can it take to read six years of ‘I didn’t pay any tax’ returns? (Where will we get the money?)

November 2022

“There is more fallout from Donald Trump’s recent dinner party at Mar-a-Lago with Ye, the rapper formerly known as Kanye West, and known antisemite Nick Fuentes. After widespread condemnation of the guest list – Trump has claimed he didn’t know who Fuentes was – Mar-a-Lago will now have ‘increased’ vetting on guests. And by increased vetting, they mean they’ll start vetting guests. The new measures reportedly require a senior campaign official to be with Trump at all times. They’ve hired a supernanny to take care of Donald Trump.” —Jimmy Kimmel 

“Meanwhile, the walls are closing in on Trump, as House Democrats confirmed they had possession of six years of Trump’s tax returns following a three-year legal battle.  Imagine the snow angels they’re making in those papers right now. Hopefully they will share some of what’s in them soon. I mean, how long can it take to read six years of ‘I didn’t pay any tax’ returns?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“There is a runoff election for US Senate in Georgia, between Democrat Raphael Warnock and Trump-backed former football star Herschel Walker. Walker, who has been plagued by scandal throughout the campaign, has fresh problems: according to reports, the Georgia home which he claimed as his residence has actually been rented out for years. Walker also admitted in a speech earlier this year that he lives in Texas. Which I was shocked about, because I did not think Herschel Walker knew the names of two different states. I know this might piss some people off, but when you think about it, this just proves that Herschel Walker views Georgians as family – because he’s never around them.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he needs to think of higher-paying jobs like being an art thief or being Beyoncé (he just closed the case himself)

November 2022

“Herschel Walker is running neck and neck with the incumbent Democrat Raphael Warnock in the Georgia Senate runoff. Republicans have been pulling out all the stops and Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham have spent more time with him than he spent with all of his children combined.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Mike Lindell, the MyPillow chief who has thrown his tin foil hat into the ring to become the new head of the RNC but who has the tendency to make big announcements that never pan out. You do have to admire his crack-headed optimism, but he is being sued for $1.3 Billion by Dominion and is almost certainly gonna lose so he needs to think of higher-paying jobs like being an art thief or being Beyoncé.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump is bigly upset about the investigation into classified documents he took and his part in the January 6th insurrection and is blaming special counsel Jack Smith in a recent online rant. In the same rant, though, he also admitted to taking the documents ‘openly and transparently’. This isn’t a defense, it’s a confession, and maybe we don’t need a special counsel – he just closed the case himself.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But when he gets Mitch McConnell pregnant with another secret baby? It’ll be all worth it! (If it was about babies...)

November 2022

“We can celebrate that the Democrats will keep control of the Senate. But remember, if Republicans take control of the House, then every dream the Democrats have of codifying Roe v Wade or taxing the rich or turning Pete Buttigieg into a real boy – they can’t do it. I mean, they probably weren’t going to do it anyway, but now they have someone to blame.” —Trevor Noah

“Still, though Democrats no longer need Raphael Warnock’s victory over Herschel Walker in Georgia, it would give them an extra cushion for when Joe Manchin tries to cockblock them, or Kyrsten Sinema goes rogue, or Bernie Sanders misses a vote because he’s arguing with a grocery store manager.” —Trevor Noah

“But can we just admit, now that the stakes are a little lower, you kinda want to see what Herschel Walker would be like as a senator. I’m not saying they should, and I’m not saying it would be good for Georgia or the country, but when he gets Mitch McConnell pregnant with another secret baby? It’ll be all worth it!” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Entertainment Division of the Military Industrial Complex (there’s already a movie about it)

November 2022

The key senate race in Georgia between Raphael Warnock and Hershel Walker will move on to a runoff in December. But Walker has offered Warnock $500 to just take care of it, baby. —Michael Che

Many black voters in Georgia were frustrated with another runoff election because the burden of saving the senate fell on them once again. It has happened so often, there’s already a movie about it called Tyler Perry’s Madea Saves the Senate. —Michael Che

Apple is saying that Covid in China has led to a slow down in iPhone production. Wow. So I guess the new variant does affect children. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute... I'm the a**hole? (It’s like getting a scathing critique from a rotary phone)

November 2022

“I love watching it dawn on Fox News in real time that the stuff they’ve been saying for over two years is total bullshit. Rightwing pundits cycled through every excuse they could think of for their poor performance – voting machines, young people, single women, cities – but eventually they did land on one explanation that seems more in the ballpark of reality: Donald Trump. Republicans are now running away from Trump faster than Josh Hawley on January 6th.” —Seth Meyers

“The Senate race in Georgia between Raphael Warnock and Trump-backed GOP candidate Herschel Walker is now headed to a runoff in December. The race could decide control of the Senate, so both sides of the aisle have been pouring all of their resources into the Peach state. But there’s one specific resource the GOP would like to keep out of the state. That would be the former president, whom Republicans fear could ‘poison the well’, with one insider calling Trump ‘toxic’ and ‘a distraction’. Yes, they don’t want the former president saying something stupid to distract from Herschel Walker saying something idiotic!” —Stephen Colbert

“Rightwing media have begun to move away from Donald Trump, with both Fox News and the Wall Street Journal running articles calling him an election ‘loser’. The New York Post’s cover called him ‘Trumpty Dumpty’ who had a great fall. It’s not a positive sign when a print newspaper calls you a failure. It’s like getting a scathing critique from a rotary phone.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Runoff is also what Herschel does when one of his kids shows up with a DNA kit (they’re no longer sleeping in separate beds)

November 2022

“Democrats were riding high today, even though they probably lost the House and could still lose the Senate. It’s like, ‘Great news! We didn’t get beaten as badly as everyone expected us to!’ Tuesday’s results were less of a red wave and more of a purple-nurple. America twisted Donald Trump’s chubby little nipples into a balloon animal last night.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In Georgia, Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock are headed to a runoff election in December, which could decide control of the Senate. Runoff is also what Herschel does when one of his kids shows up with a DNA kit.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Turning to Pennsylvania, where John Fetterman defeated Dr. Oz, a celebrity tapped by Donald Trump. The former president is reportedly livid about Oz’s loss, screaming when the numbers came in, according to the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman. They say the last time Trump was this disappointed was when Eric was born. Haberman reported that Trump was also furious with anyone who supported Oz, including his wife Melania, calling it ‘not her best decision’. It might even be her second worst decision. Trump is so angry at Melania, they’re no longer sleeping in separate beds.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

this could be decided by a margin of error of plus or minus Herschel Walker’s secret children (Peace Out)

November 2022

“Vote totals from the midterms are coming in. So far, it does not look like a red wave. Too early to tell, but perhaps a pink trickle. They should really have that checked out.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Senate race in Georgia between Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock, is still too close to call. The pivotal race is so tight, this could be decided by a margin of error of plus or minus Herschel Walker’s secret children.” —Stephen Colbert

“Even before the polls opened, Republican candidates were priming the pump to claim they were being cheated if things don’t go their way. By the way, if Democrats are capable of rigging the election in Republican states, not just once but two times in a row, if they’re smart enough and organized enough to do that, wouldn’t you want them to be in charge? I mean, they must be very capable people.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Vin Diesel has never told me to follow my dreams (I’m one of the tallest people you’ll ever meet)

October 2022

“There is a close Senate race in Georgia between the Rev Raphael Warnock and former football star Herschel Walker. Walker, a Trump supporter and anti-abortion candidate, has faced numerous scandals throughout his campaign – he lied about his work with law enforcement, the number of children he fathered, and that he graduated from the University of Georgia. At this point, I want to meet the Herschel Walker that Herschel Walker thinks he is. He treats real life the way we treat dating apps – you know, just in your profile like ‘I’m one of the tallest people you’ll ever meet, I founded my own industry, and my mom lives with me, not the other way around.’” —Trevor Noah

“But the bigger thing about Herschel Walker isn’t all the lying and the hypocrisy. He’s also just weird. Walker gave one of my favorite answers ever in politics, when he was asked about the biggest problem facing America today and responded: ‘We have so many celebrities telling people that they can’t do it. Telling a lot of people that you gotta feel bad for yourself, feel sorry for yourself, which is sad to me because they’ve done it. But they telling you you can’t do it.’ The biggest problem? You think the average American right now is saying, ‘I know inflation is bad right now, but the bigger issue is that Vin Diesel has never told me to follow my dreams! I could’ve owned a bakery by now.’” —Trevor Noah

Nancy Pelosi’s 82-year-old husband was assaulted by a lunatic with a hammer, he went to the hospital with a fractured skull. While Pelosi was in the hospital, Donald Trump Jr. tweeted a picture of white underwear with a hammer, calling it his ‘Paul Pelosi costume’. What is wrong with these people? And by the way, I have my Donald Trump Jr. costume ready – it’s hair gel, a bag of a white powder and a penis pump. Put that on, you shameless wart on your father’s nutsack. This is the ‘family values’ gang we’re seeing here.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s perfect – there’s one for each of his secret children (Queen Victoria spinning in her grave)

October 2022

“We have news of a new UK prime minister: Rishi Sunak, the former finance minister, who on Tuesday became Britain’s first prime minister of south Asian descent, its first Hindu prime minister and the nation’s first leader of color. Which means Britons will be able to run their entire power grid off the turbines connected to Queen Victoria spinning in her grave.” —Stephen Colbert

“Sunak took over from Liz Truss, who resigned on Thursday after just 45 days in office, the shortest tenure in British history. That’s not a term in office. That’s a juice cleanse.” —Stephen Colbert

“On to domestic politics, namely the contentious Senate race between Democrat Raphael Warnock and former football star and ‘steroids Erkel’ Herschel Walker in Georgia. Among numerous scandals, Walker has lied about his work with law enforcement and flashed an honorary sheriff badge during a debate. OK, but that doesn’t make you a real cop! That’s why flight attendants don’t ever say, ‘attention, passengers, we have a medical emergency in the cabin. Does anybody here have an honorary doctorate? Fine arts or better only.’ Yet Walker has grabbed that crazy ball and has run with it, as his campaign has ordered 1,000 imitation plastic law enforcement badges that say ‘I’m with Herschel’ as a fundraising tool. A thousand toy badges? That’s perfect – there’s one for each of his secret children.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People say I’m an absentee father, but if that were true, why would I have this World’s Best Dad mug? (honorary senator)

October 2022

“Herschel Walker, the former football star turned Republican anti-abortion candidate, his campaign has been rife with scandal amid news that he paid for his then-girlfriend’s abortion in 2009 (he denies this; she provided a check and signed a ‘get well soon’ card), and that he lied about working with law enforcement. And in a debate last week with Democratic opponent Raphael Warnock, Walker dismissed scrutiny on his law enforcement credentials by flashing an honorary deputy’s badge. I don’t know what’s crazier in this story: the fact that this man lied about being in law enforcement, or the fact that he pulled out a fake badge during a debate. Or the fact that after the sheriff’s association said that his badge is just an honorary one, he said ‘no, they’re wrong.’ Though rebuked by the debate moderator, Walker has doubled down in news interviews, calling his honorary badge ‘legit’. Does he treat every symbolic object like this? He’d be like ‘people say I’m an absentee father, but if that were true, why would I have this World’s Best Dad mug?’” —Trevor Noah

“But there was one upside to Walker’s insistence on the legitimacy of his fake badge. This means that Georgia voters don’t even need to elect Herschel Walker senator. They could just give him a certificate that says ‘honorary senator’. He won’t know the difference!” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”