Trump barely knew Jeffrey Epstein (they all learned how to make a campfire with their minds)

Kids in New Jersey recently fell ill after eating chocolate laced with mushrooms, it was also the day they all learned how to make a campfire with their minds. —Seth Meyers

Starbucks has also entered into a new deal with Delta Air Lines, which plans to reward members with one sky mile for every dollar spent. Do you know how much coffee you’d have to drink to get a free trip? You wouldn’t need a plane. —Seth Meyers

“President Trump was set to speak today at the late Senator Lindsey Graham’s funeral service. Oh, I’m sure that went great: ‘[imitating Trump] I know if he were here now he’d say, The 2020 election had massive voting irregularities and Trump barely knew Jeffrey Epstein.’” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump's war on America (please God let him be talking about a chocolate Easter Bunny)

I feel the same way about slaves as I do about shirts with flame patterns on them. I don't want to be friends with anyone who owns either of them. —Norm Macdonald

I was in a line today and I hear the guy behind me say, ‘I like to start by biting the ears off’ and I had to pray, please God let him be talking about a chocolate Easter Bunny. —Norm Macdonald

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I call it a Christmas Miracle (if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well)

A chocolate factory in Germany recently experienced a storage tank malfunction that resulted in one ton of chocolate spilling onto the street. And the cool weather caused the chocolate to immediately solidify on the pavement, where it had to be removed by firefighters. People are calling this an industrial accident. I call it a Christmas Miracle. --James Corden

Today, the stock market hit an all-time high. Which is great news, because if there's one thing we've learned over the past decade it’s that if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

to give you an idea of how bad his airline was, it lasted 33 years less than Spirit (And also a box of Magnum XLs)

President Trump’s tax documents also show that his airline, which I didn’t know anything about, launched in 1989 and lost $7 Million a month until it shut down in 1992. And just to give you an idea of how bad his airline was, it lasted 33 years less than Spirit. --Michael Che, SNL

A 93 year old man at a nursing home in California hitch-hiked to a local convenience store so he could buy a chocolate bar to split with his girlfriend. And also a box of Magnum XLs. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate (and ditching your first two wives)

White House insiders say that President Trump feels comfortable with Rudy Giuliani because they’re from the same generation. Giuliani said, "We share common values like hard work, patriotism, and ditching your first two wives." --Conan O’Brien

"A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Economy Minus (one less smile in the world)

A family returning from vacation recently showed up to their flight with a company called Tui Airlines, only to find that their assigned seats did not exist. So they had to spend their entire flight sitting on the floor. Spirit Airlines heard about this and were like, “Wait, we don’t have to give our customers seats? We’re allowed to do this?” The family’s seat assignments were for seats that didn’t exist or as the airline is now calling it, Economy Minus. --James Corden

A woman in England was searching a farm with a metal detector when she found what she thought was a foil-wrapped chocolate coin only to find out later that it is a 1500 year old solid gold pendant worth a fortune. Yeah, unbelievable. To get that close to chocolate only to be disappointed. It’s a real bummer. She probably should have known it wasn’t a chocolate coin when she found it using a metal detector. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high (Good luck with your next marriage)

Tomorrow, by the way, is Valentine’s Day. This is the first you’re hearing it? Good luck with your next marriage. –Jimmy Kimmel

House Republicans have unveiled their much-anticipated new healthcare plan that’s supposed to replace Obamacare. Here’s what we know about it so far: The new plan stresses personal responsibility. For too long Americans have relied on other people, like doctors and nurses, for their healthcare. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate (finding something to do in Kansas)

A man in Kansas was arrested after trying to have sex with the tailpipe of a car. He is being charged with "finding something to do in Kansas." --Conan O’Brien

"A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you remember our last president who spent his entire professional life in government? (The government is like a box of chocolates)

President Trump made some comments at a rally for his supporters about groceries. Trump, “What about that old fashioned term groceries. It's an old fashioned term that we use, groceries. I used it on the campaign, it's such an old fashioned term but a beautiful term, groceries. It sort of says a bag with different things in it.” Yeah, it's a bag with different things in it. That's how they describe Joy Behar’s CAT scan. —Greg Gutfeld

Do you remember our last president who spent his entire professional life in government? He doesn’t. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races (Neither side is the answer)

A woman in England was searching a farm with a metal detector when she found what she thought was a foil-wrapped chocolate coin only to find out later that it is a 1500 year old solid gold pendant worth a fortune. Yeah, unbelievable. To get that close to chocolate only to be disappointed. It’s a real bummer. She probably should have known it wasn’t a chocolate coin when she found it using a metal detector. --James Corden

At the Tour de France today the police were trying to control protestors at the race by spraying tear gas, but they held up the race because they accidentally sprayed the cyclists. See? Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate (lesser evil voting is killing America)

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien

"A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because, you know, when you think responsible, ethical and trustworthy, you think Exxon Mobil (I call it a Christmas Miracle)

Donald Trump has continued to make more surprising appointments in his cabinet. This morning, Trump chose the CEO of Exxon Mobil, Rex Tillerson, as his secretary of state. Because, you know, when you think responsible, ethical and trustworthy, you think Exxon Mobil. –James Corden

People got to use a new technology when the ride-sharing service Uber introduced their self-driving cars to the city of San Francisco. Yeah, because when looking for a place to roll out an experimental driverless car, you always want to pick the city with the steepest hills. –James Corden

A chocolate factory in Germany recently experienced a storage tank malfunction that resulted in one ton of chocolate spilling onto the street. And the cool weather caused the chocolate to immediately solidify on the pavement, where it had to be removed by firefighters. People are calling this an industrial accident. I call it a Christmas Miracle. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

believe me, try getting an entire chocolate chip cookie up your nose (wanting it more)

Ninety-eight athletes in the last two Olympics are suspected of doping, or as it's technically called, "wanting it more." At this point, they should just make peeing in a cup into an Olympic sport. Just let everyone do drugs. Everyone doing drugs is a fair playing field. What's more exciting than a nine-second 100-meter dash? A three-second 100-meter dash. –James Corden

In other shocking food news, according to another study, chocolate chip cookie addiction shares many similarities with cocaine addiction. Truly, yes. Researchers say sugar can give you some of the same cravings that cocaine can give. And I say, it is actually worse for you. Like, believe me, try getting an entire chocolate chip cookie up your nose. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

License number: Winking Face, Winking Face, Crying Laugh, Sunglasses, Dancing Lady. (He’s getting more presidential every day)

Starting next month, people in Queensland, Australia will be able to personalize their license plates using emojis. It just doesn’t sound quite as cool for a car chase though to be like, “Dispatch, we’re in pursuit of a suspect. License number: Winking Face, Winking Face, Crying Laugh, Sunglasses, Dancing Lady. I need backup, dammit!” --James Corden

Earlier in his campaign, Donald Trump was calling Carly Fiorina ugly. Now he’s saying he might pick her up if she falls down. Guys, that’s growth. He’s getting more presidential every day. –James Corden

A woman in England was searching a farm with a metal detector when she found what she thought was a foil-wrapped chocolate coin only to find out later that it is a 1500 year old solid gold pendant worth a fortune. Yeah, unbelievable. To get that close to chocolate only to be disappointed. It’s a real bummer. She probably should have known it wasn’t a chocolate coin when she found it using a metal detector. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high (reporting for duty only about 50 years late)

Donald Trump arrived in Vietnam this morning, reporting for duty only about 50 years late. --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Officials became suspicious when they couldn't find any squid marks (Shocking things liberals believe)

According to reports, President Trump and some of his allies have raised the possibility that Rudy Giuliani should do fewer television interviews following his recent appearances. Replied Giuliani, "Those were televised?! --Seth Meyers

Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global workforce by about 15 percent. That’s right, for the first time ever, chocolate is giving up people for Lent. –Seth Meyers

According to NBC News, special counsel Robert Mueller’s team is expected to interview former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon by the end of the month. They’d do it sooner but they need to get their vaccines first. --Seth Meyers

A Tennessee man with the word "Psycho" tattooed on his forehead was arrested this week for stabbing someone in the stomach. Of course, if you have a tattoo on your forehead, no matter what it says, it says "Psycho." –Seth Meyers

A motorist in the UK was arrested yesterday after he crashed his car while swerving to avoid hitting an octopus he claimed to have seen in the road. Officials became suspicious when they couldn't find any squid marks. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And today Satan said he tries to avoid American politics because it makes him feel dirty (He's so conservative...)

“How conservative is he? Rick Santorum won't even take soda in the can.” –Jay Leno

“He's so conservative he won't even go to Home Depot to get wood. That's how bad.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is conservative; he's so conservative he won't even use a weed whacker. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

"He is so conservative. When he goes to the market, he skips the household aisle, just to avoid making eye contact with Mr. Clean." –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him. Which is kind of ironic — that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.” –Jay Leno

"This guy Santorum is very conservative. Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't watch a baseball game because there's a pitcher and a catcher." –Jay Leno

“He's so conservative he wants ballpark franks to stop plumping when you cook 'em. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“This guy is really conservative. In fact, Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't even go down on an escalator.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.” –Jay Leno

"Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid American politics because it makes him feel dirty." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

2020: Why Not You? (Mike Pence Is An Idiot)

A woman in England was searching a farm with a metal detector when she found what she thought was a foil-wrapped chocolate coin only to find out later that it is a 1500 year old solid gold pendant worth a fortune. Yeah, unbelievable. To get that close to chocolate only to be disappointed. It’s a real bummer. She probably should have known it wasn’t a chocolate coin when she found it using a metal detector. --James Corden

So many democrats are running for president in 2020. It’s like the democratic party has been passing out a mirror that says, “2020: Why Not You?” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Scientists aren’t really that busy/jug wine and Ryan Gosling nudes/That’s methed up!

Here’s a headline from ABC News. It reads, “Study: Dogs aren’t really that smart.” That’s the headline, but the honest headline should’ve read -- “Study: Scientists aren’t really that busy.” --James Corden

Here’s a headline from Fox News, it reads, “Woman spent months in jail after officers thought cotton candy was meth.” That’s the headline, but the honest headline should’ve read -- “That’s methed up!” --James Corden

According to a researcher in England when you cough eating a bar of milk chocolate is actually a better cure for you than over-the-counter medicine. I guess now we can all put our chocolate in the medicine cabinet instead of under the stairs with our cigarettes, jug wine and Ryan Gosling nudes. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

this is what happens when Oprah gets high (Cheney's fifth heart attack. Next one's free)

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one's free." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Something weird happened in the hospital. When they were putting the electrodes on Cheney for the EKG, he suddenly started screaming, 'Stop! I'll tell you everything you want to know!'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”