I'm just going to keep saying this (plus 36 weeks vacation time)

Senator Lindsey Graham has died. When asked by a news host whether we know the full story about his death, Trump said: “Well, I think we do. We have great doctors and they talked about, you know, a certain part of his body literally blew up.” It’s actually a fairly common cause of death. We all remember when Queen Elizabeth II died after her vagina went boom. —Michael Kosta 

Shortly after Lindsey  Graham’s passing, it was announced that his sister Darline Graham would be his interim replacement in the Senate. A Senate seat? That’s an inheritance jackpot! Most people just get a garage full of damp boxes. —Michael Kosta

Darline Graham’s qualifications differ from those normally expected of Senate members, with a job history that has focused on government agencies helping the blind. She is currently president-elect of the national council of state agencies to the blind. If anything, she’s overqualified. I’m worried she’ll make the other senators look bad, which would be embarrassing for the ones who know where they are right now. —Michael Kosta

Let’s move on, because Lindsey’s sister will have her work cut out for her for the next five months, plus 36 weeks vacation time. —Michael Kosta

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, join the club (isn't that called New Jersey?)

"And during a speech at a high school, former President George

W. Bush said he's really enjoying the fact that he's no longer

president. Hey, join the club." --Jay Leno

"An oil slick the size of Rhode Island is making its way across the Gulf of Mexico. An oil slick the size of Rhode Island — isn't that called New Jersey?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

an extra hour to fake a headache (they want to be the hot one)

In a recent interview, Whoopi Goldberg said her sex life is mostly hit and runs. Here's how it works. She hits a man with a car and then has sex with them before they can run away. —Greg Gutfeld

MS Now is reducing Morning Joe from 4 hours to three. Which means Mika has an extra hour to fake a headache. —Greg Gutfeld

A poll revealed that when it comes to women picking female friends, the top qualities they value are grit, humor, and intelligence. In other words, they want to be the hot one. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was bitten by a radioactive douchebag (That unborn child is Luke Skywalker)

Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag. –Conan O’Brien

"I'm upset that friend of the show Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for having a child out of wedlock. Listen, I'm no fan of unwed mothers either, but this is Natalie Portman we're talking about. That unborn child is Luke Skywalker." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

like you were during the Roger Ailes scandal (two bonus minutes)

If you remember a few weeks ago the democrats proposed a $1 Trillion infrastructure deal, and Trump said, “Why not $2 Trillion?” So they said Okay. Today was just supposed to be hammering out the details, but it didn’t work out that way. Trump walked in, didn’t shake anyone’s hand or take a seat, and left before anyone else could speak. All told, it was over in three minutes. According to Stormy Daniels that’s two bonus minutes. --Stephen Colbert

Brian Kilmeade of Fox & Friends wondered why Kirsten Gillibrand would announce that she’s running for president on The Colbert Report. Colbert, “What gives Brian Kilmeade? I thought we were ‘& Friends’. First of all it’s not the Colbert Report. It’s the Colbert ‘Repor.’ The T is silent - like you were during the Roger Ailes scandal. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he just asked Congress for a $10 million budget increase for the NCIS team (we can finally call it even)

There was an article over the weekend that revealed that Donald Trump spends between four and eight hours a day watching television . . . A day! Speaking as someone who hosts a television show, that is too much TV. I don't want to say Trump watches too much TV, but he just asked Congress for a $10 million budget increase for the NCIS team. –James Corden

The Dakota Access oil pipeline, which the Sioux tribe has been protesting for months, will no longer be routed through their land. It’s a big win for Native Americans — and if the next 9 billion things go their way, we can finally call it even. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Authorities swept the area, urging residents to remain even calmer (Teen Choice Awards)

Everyone’s OK, but this morning, a 6.5-magnitude earthquake hit California’s prime marijuana-growing county. Authorities swept the area, urging residents to remain even calmer. –Conan O’Brien

Time Magazine announced its person of the year today and it is not President Trump. When asked for comment, the White House said, "Shhh, we haven't told him yet. Keep it down! Because he's crazy!" –Conan O’Brien

In an interview, Senate candidate Roy Moore's spokesperson said his accusers gave "Academy Award performances." Then Moore interrupted and said, "I just wish they'd been Teen Choice Awards." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even when I crumple it up for them (but ends in a much lighter tone)

A new poll finds that nearly 30% of Gen Zers think that paying with cash is cringe. Even when I crumple it up for them. —Michael Che

Lionsgate has released the first trailer for “Michael," the upcoming biopic about Michael Jackson. And like Jackson, it starts out very dark but ends in a much lighter tone. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

JOKES: helping the city get rid of some of that mildew smell (nice gesture)

"John Edwards announced his withdrawal from the presidential race in the same city that he announced his candidacy, New Orleans. Interesting side note: in between those two visits to New Orleans, the Bush government has promised to look into pricing some dehumidifiers to help the city get rid of some of that mildew smell. It's a nice gesture." --Jon Stewart

"Edwards' departure leaves the Democratic nomination down to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, which means that the Founding Fathers finally have a winner in their 'How Long Will It Take Our Nation To Nominate A Non-White Male' betting pool. Oh, I can't wait to find out who is the winner. Ladies and gentlemen, George Mason of Virginia correctly guessed 219 years. Congratulations, Georgey!" --Jon Stewart

"On the Republican side, Rudolph Giuliani has dropped out. America's Mayor, John Q 9/11, it's over. For months, Giuliani was the frontrunner for the Republican nomination, and then people started voting. He finished in ninth place and 11th place." --Jon Stewart

Putin Weighs In On Trump "Water Sports" Story

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Yeah, all from the same night. #stamina (working a little magic in La La Land)

The CIA is now saying that the Kremlin has multiple sexual recordings of Donald Trump. After hearing this, Trump smirked and said, “Yeah, all from the same night. #stamina.” –Conan O’Brien 

Today, the San Diego Chargers announced they are moving to Los Angeles. The owner of the Chargers said, “What can I say, we really loved ‘La La Land!’” –Conan O’Brien

It’s raining so hard now, we’re actually having mudslides here in L.A. This morning I was driving to work and I was passed by a house. –Conan O’Brien

Best Toons of the Week, pt 3 (the ruble stops here)

we all remember how unfair Nazi Germany was to their charismatic leader. Those people were always going “Talk to the hand!”

Intelligence officials prepared a two-page summary of allegations that Russian operatives claim to have compromising personal and financial information about Mr. Trump. Trump received these documents as part of his intelligence briefing, so we know one thing for sure: He didn’t read them. –Stephen Colbert

Trump immediately denied the report, tweeting, “Intelligence agencies should never have allowed this fake news to leak into the public. One last shot at me. Are we living in Nazi Germany?” So true — we all remember how unfair Nazi Germany was to their charismatic leader. Those people were always going “Talk to the hand!” –Stephen Colbert

If You’re Here, You’re Probably Hungover (Trojan condoms study)

7-Eleven announced it’s now offering “breakfast pizza.” It’s all in keeping with 7-Eleven’s motto: “If You’re Here, You’re Probably Hungover.” –Conan O’Brien

According to a new study, the average cost of raising a child in America is now over $200,000. The study was funded by Trojan condoms. –Conan O’Brien

CNN reported that last Friday intelligence chiefs presented Trump with claims of Russian efforts compromise him. I gotta say, that is an awkward first meeting with your new boss. “Hey, so, looking forward to working together, watercooler’s down the hall, we heard you’re a puppet of a hostile foreign government, Barbara validates parking any time you need it, any questions?” –Stephen Colbert