Trump barely knew Jeffrey Epstein (they all learned how to make a campfire with their minds)

Kids in New Jersey recently fell ill after eating chocolate laced with mushrooms, it was also the day they all learned how to make a campfire with their minds. —Seth Meyers

Starbucks has also entered into a new deal with Delta Air Lines, which plans to reward members with one sky mile for every dollar spent. Do you know how much coffee you’d have to drink to get a free trip? You wouldn’t need a plane. —Seth Meyers

“President Trump was set to speak today at the late Senator Lindsey Graham’s funeral service. Oh, I’m sure that went great: ‘[imitating Trump] I know if he were here now he’d say, The 2020 election had massive voting irregularities and Trump barely knew Jeffrey Epstein.’” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That man, you guessed it, Matthew McConaughey (pretending you have universal healthcare)

Police arrested a man who pulled his car off to the side of the road and started to have sex with it. That man, you guessed it, Matthew McConaughey. --Colin Jost

A group of hikers from Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. More embarrassing, they never actually left the house. —Colin Jost

​​New York City lawmakers have proposed a new law to change the sound of emergency vehicle sirens to resemble those used in Europe. That way you can spend your time in the ambulance pretending you have universal healthcare. --Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which, let’s be honest, is going to make for an interesting prom (a 30 foot tall rainbow dragon)

A school in a small village in the French Alps recently experienced a decrease in class size. So in order to avoid a school closure, a local farmer enrolled, and we are not making this up, fifteen of his sheep in the school. Which, let’s be honest, is going to make for an interesting prom. --James Corden

After a very close vote, the city of Denver, Colorado, just became the first city in the nation to decriminalize hallucinogenic mushrooms. The announcement was made by Denver’s mayor, a 30 foot tall rainbow dragon that totally has your dad’s face. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Mountain Dew Breast Milk Blast (Hold My Beer)

A group of hikers from Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. More embarrassing, they never actually left the house. —Colin Jost

A new study shows that in the past twenty years prediabetes in children has more than doubled. Thanks largely to the popularity of Mountain Dew Breast Milk Blast. —Colin Jost

To understand this, I live in Staten Island where, you know, up until now, washing your hands before dinner was known as "coming out of the closet.” —Pete Davidson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he reviewed ‘statements and posts’ (Have you lost weight?)

“Let me just tell you something: I am not intimidated by the F.C.C., and if President Trump is watching, I have one thing to say to you: Have you lost weight? You look terrific.” — Bill Maher

“But this Kimmel situation does feel like a turning point, and not because comedians are important, but because we are not. If the government can force a network to pull a late-night show off the air and do so in plain view, it can do a [expletive] of a lot worse.” — John Oliver

“First, he’s calling on the attorney general to prosecute his political foes whether there’s evidence of a crime or not. That’s a pretty big deal. Also, yeah. Also, he reviewed ‘statements and posts’? Does that mean he just read the internet?” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

two trips (Tacoma, Philadelphia, Atlanta, LA)

The Steve Miller band has canceled all of its tour dates because of global warming. Yeah. Organizers admit it's a waste of fuel to go from Phoenix, Arizona all the way to Tacoma, Philadelphia, Atlanta, LA. —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, according to a new study, magic mushrooms can extend the lifespan of rodents. Yeah. Well, I guess Richard Gere's gerbil gets to go on two trips. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The secret ingredient is slavery (truffle farms)

Surgeon general pick Casey Means once claimed she used magic mushrooms to help find love, which is different from Joy Behar who was hired by a truffle farm to find mushrooms. —Greg Gutfeld

The Taliban in Afghanistan has banned chess due to fears the game is a source of gambling. The good news is though they're still totally okay with pin the tail on the donkey that you plan to have sex with. —Greg Gutfeld

Scientists say the universe is decaying much more rapidly than previously expected. Experts say to make it seem longer watch Fox at 8:00 p.m. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's now seeking advice from Bill Belichick (every time their wife leaves the house)

A new poll showed President Trump is still not scoring well with female voters ages 18 to 24. He's now seeking advice from Bill Belichick. —Greg Gutfeld

A psychologist recommends that adults may want to consider revisiting their childhood hobbies. This must be advice for women because men revisit their childhood hobby every time their wife leaves the house. —Greg Gutfeld

A French company set a record for the world's largest cheese fondue. I know. JB Pritzker just bought a one-way ticket to France. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

anyone else have a weird feeling that something terrible is about to happen? (50 or 60 costume changes)

It just came out that Lady Gaga got engaged over the summer! The wedding will be pretty low key — just 50 or 60 costume changes. –Jimmy Fallon

Guys, today is the first day of November, the turkeys were like, anyone else have a weird feeling that something terrible is about to happen? --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now get away from our castle! (he was fired after coming to work on mushrooms)

Nintendo recently announced that its character Mario is no longer a plumber. Apparently, he was fired after coming to work on mushrooms. –Seth Meyers

"After a photographer was accused of harassing the royal baby Prince George, lawyers for Prince William and Kate Middleton said that their son 'must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible.' They then added, 'Now get away from our castle!'" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Taming of the Shroom (We're just not receiving it)

"Mel Martinez, the Senate's only Hispanic Republican, announced he's stepping down. When asked why, Martinez said, 'I'm sick of the other Republicans asking me the difference between a chalupa and a chimichanga.'" --Conan O'Brien

Artifacts found in William Shakespeare's home suggest he may have been a marijuana user. Apparently he was doing a couple of drugs because he also had a rough draft of "The Taming of the Shroom." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Grab him by the mushroom, Stormy! (I’d like to submit into evidence this baby Bella mushroom)

In less than 24 hours, Donald Trump had not one but three judges rule against him in three different cases. In Georgia, a judge rejected Trump’s claim that calling election officials to overturn the results was protected by free speech. In Florida, a judge Trump appointed denied his argument that he was authorized to take classified documents to Mar-a-Lago as president. And in New York, a judge rejected his attempt to delay the Stormy Daniels hush-money case. The judge ruled hush money paid to an adult film star is not related to a president’s official acts. I’m pretty sure, and I’m not a historian, that that’s the first time a judge has had to say that. I feel like we all want to see him taken down by the porn star one, right? Grab him by the mushroom, Stormy! —Jimmy Kimmel

Former President Donald Trump has suffered setbacks in court the last few days, including a ruling against him on Thursday in his classified documents case. I’m changing up the “April showers” adage: Because from now on, it’s April trials bring me smiles. —Stephen Colbert

Starting April 15, we get to see Donald Trump having to see Stormy Daniels testify about having to see Donald Trump naked. [imitating lawyer] Your honor, for reasons that will be all too apparent during her testimony, I’d like to submit into evidence this baby Bella mushroom. — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's a first (Uh, ’shrooms)

But before he flew home, Donald Trump told reporters that he could have signed a deal with North Korea, but he'd rather do it right than do it fast. Or as Stormy Daniels put it, "That's a first." --Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics, and they had some crazy stuff. They had a big conga line, they had a giant snow globe. They had glow-in-the-dark pandas on roller skates. When asked what inspired the pandas, they said, “Uh, ’shrooms.” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic (maybe walk around the neighborhood till you calm down)

Avengers: Endgame just beat the $2.12 Billion box office record set by Titanic. Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic. --Stephen Colbert

The information is so sensitive, the article can’t describe in detail what was shared, but one official said, “This is code-word information.” ”Code word” means the vital aspects of the story have to be replaced with other words. You have to say things like, “The package has been delivered.” “The squirrel is in the basket.” ”The idiot is in the Oval.” –Stephen Colbert

This week Denver became the first city to decriminalize hallucinogenic mushrooms. This is going to change their whole approach to tourism. “Denver: Come stare at the wood grain on the door, then maybe walk around the neighborhood till you calm down.” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That is the law of capitalism (it's been a big month for mushrooms)

April 2023

“I read about a runner who took third place in an ultramarathon and was later disqualified after admitting that she used a car. The saddest part is that she used a car and still came in third. She would have come in first, but she had to keep stopping for tiny cups of gas.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And for everyone who went a little too hard on 4/20, it's come back to Earth Day.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Well, speaking of Coachella, today the final weekend kicked off. Yep, so between Coachella and the new Super Mario movie, it's been a big month for mushrooms.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think that legally makes you a porn star (I almost forgot to put my hand over my face)

And yet, not the most embarrassing thing to happen at the Easter Egg Roll. That honor goes to the official White House Snapchat account, which sent out a snap featuring a bunch of kids gathered around “Secretary of ‘Educatuon’ Betsy DeVos.” It’s like Betsy DeVos always says, “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘education’ . . . the way I spell it.” –Stephen Colbert

“Uh, I don’t think anyone wants a check that Trump signed. I think that legally makes you a porn star.” — Stephen Colbert

This is Trump’s first Easter Egg Roll. The president and the first lady kicked things off with the National Anthem, and notice what she has to do in the middle of it [clip of Melania nudging Trump]. Put your hand up! Do it, you’re the president! He forgot to put his hand over his heart, it happens to everybody. I mean, when I saw that footage, I almost forgot to put my hand over my face. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

But aren’t you supposed to add 20% for tips (Australia, where the police let you finish)

April 2023

The Department of Sanitation has launched its first campaign with messages such as, if you litter, you’re garbage. Which is actually dialed back from the original version, your litter belongs in the trash next to your whore wife. —Colin Jost

A new study suggests the average man exaggerates the length of their penis by more than 20%. But aren’t you supposed to add 20% for tips. —Colin Jost

A group of hikers from Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. More embarrassing, they never actually left the house. —Colin Jost

And police in Australia arrested a man after he was caught at a bus stop masturbating for over an hour. Australia, where the police let you finish. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When asked what inspired the pandas, they said, “Uh, ’shrooms.” (the only place where a 51 is a passing grade)

Today, the Senate officially confirmed Betsy DeVos as education secretary, with a vote of 51 to 50. Or as Donald Trump calls that, “a landslide.” It was actually a 50-50 tie vote that was broken by the vice president. Which makes the vote for education secretary the only place where a 51 is a passing grade. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics, and they had some crazy stuff. They had a big conga line, they had a giant snow globe. They had glow-in-the-dark pandas on roller skates. When asked what inspired the pandas, they said, “Uh, ’shrooms.” --Jimmy Fallon

"50 Shades Darker" just released a new immersive virtual reality experience that claims to take you inside the movie. Or as wives everywhere put it, "Here’s my credit card. Why don't you and the kids go to the mall for a couple of hours?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I've heard you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, he was fired after coming to work on mushrooms (You said it, baby)

Sen. Ted Cruz yesterday responded to the reaction to his Twitter account “liking” a pornographic tweet, and said that “people ought to be able to do what they want in their own bedrooms.” Although after hearing about Ted Cruz watching porn, nobody feels like doing anything in their bedrooms anymore. –Seth Meyers

Nintendo recently announced that its character Mario is no longer a plumber. Apparently, he was fired after coming to work on mushrooms. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said at a campaign rally yesterday that he would put Syrian refugees in safe zones, and make Middle Eastern countries pay for them, adding, “There’s nothing like doing things with other people’s money.” “You said it, baby,” said Melania. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the best way to give my hair this amazing volume (Hey, can I film this?)

October 2022

A popular Peloton instructor is suing the company for nearly $2 Million alleging that an executive mocked him for being Irish. In response the executive counter sued him for all the treasure in his pot of gold. —Colin Jost

A United Airlines passenger who was high on mushrooms assaulted two flight attendants. While over at Spirit Airlines, bath salts are the in-flight snack. —Colin Jost

 Researchers say the number of gray whales off western North America has continued to decline for several years. It’s a sad fact that makes me wonder if whale oil is really the best way to give my hair this amazing volume. —Colin Jost

A video has gone viral of a doctor removing nearly two dozen contact lenses from a woman’s eye that she had forgotten were in there. And you know that you messed up when your doctor is like, ‘Hey, can I film this?’ —Colin Jost

Border officials have discovered $400,000 worth of meth hidden inside pumpkins. They could tell the pumpkins were full of meth because they only had three teeth left. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”