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Showing posts with label Rambo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rambo. Show all posts

Sunday, August 11, 2024

your food will most likely be intercepted and returned for a touchdown (Now they have to wait until 8:00 to watch Wheel of Fortune)


North Korea is creating its own time zone. It's going to push the country's time back a half hour. So it's not bad enough that they don't have food and they're ruled by an insane dictator. Now they have to wait until 8:00 to watch Wheel of Fortune. –Conan O’Brien


Football stadiums are going to get a delivery system that will bring food right to your seat. However, if you’re a Los Angeles Rams fan, your food will most likely be intercepted and returned for a touchdown. –Conan O’Brien


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 



 

Wednesday, October 11, 2023

Normally I don’t say this to a patient, but you are all responsible for your parents’ divorce (I love this country so much)


“Let’s note the differences in their responses to the war between Israel and Hamas. Biden condemned the attacks by Hamas in Israel, while Trump posted on Truth Social: ‘I KEPT ISRAEL SAFE! NOBODY ELSE WILL, NOBODY ELSE CAN, AND I KNOW ALL OF THE PLAYERS!!!’ Well then strap on some kevlar and get over there, McRib Rambo. Trump would like us to believe that his mere presence would have kept Hamas out of Israel and Russia out of Ukraine. This is coming from a guy who couldn’t even keep Kanye out of Mar-a-Lago. It’s pretty clear that at this point, he’s got no connection with reality at all. All he can see are perfect phone calls, and unfair witch hunts, and elections he won, wars he would’ve prevented. I might have a solution: Let’s build a little Oval Office in a mental institution and put him in there. Tell him he’s been reinstated as president. He’d be perfectly content drawing on weather maps and pushing that little red Diet Coke button. He’d be happy, we’d be happy, let’s get it done!” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile in the US, the House is still without a speaker, and Republicans don’t really seem any closer to finding one. In order to reach some consensus, over 150 GOP lawmakers met behind closed doors on Monday evening in what one member called a ‘therapy session’. I would hate to be a therapist for the House Republicans – ‘Normally I don’t say this to a patient, but you are all responsible for your parents’ divorce.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 


 

Thursday, July 14, 2022

I wouldn't have told that last story. I would've ended on the stripper. (Operation Bore Them to Death)


 

"And Fred Thompson spoke to the Republican Convention last night. You know something? I think he may have said a little too much. You ever get the thing where you get too much information? He was talking very candidly about John McCain, and we like John McCain, he was kinda a wild guy as a young man, was in the Navy and all that. Well here's what he had to say, listen carefully: [Video: Thompson: 'In high school and the Naval Academy, John earned the reputation as a trouble-maker. He was the leader of the trouble-makers. In Pensacola in flight school, he did drive a Corvette and date a girl who worked in a bar as an (hand quotes) exotic dancer under the name of Marie: The Flame of Florida.' Thompson soundalike: 'I remember after a card game in Yuma, he beat a couple of drifters with a tire-iron and left them for dead.'] I wouldn't have told that last story. I would've ended on the stripper." --Jay Leno

 

"And today in Afghanistan, a helicopter carrying three US senators had to make an emergency landing because of bad weather. All three senators are okay. Wasn't that the plot of the last "Rambo" movie? No, in the helicopter were Senators Chuck Hagel, Joe Biden, and John Kerry. See, they are part of our new military offensive against al Qaeda, Operation Bore Them to Death. They give speeches, the people fall asleep, we attack." --Jay Leno


"According to the internet Dick Cheney was having an affair with the woman he was hunting with and that she fired the shot that hit the lawyer and Cheney took the blame to protect her, which sounds possible until you realize that means the woman would have to be having sex with Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno


http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

Cops use the same principle as toddlers: they’ll tell the truth, but only if it doesn’t get them in trouble (The invincible star from Mario)


June 2022

In the month since the shooting at Robb elementary in Uvalde, Texas, killed 19 children and two adults, revelations about the police response to the crisis have led to public outcry and a Texas safety chief to call the operation an ‘abject failure’. This story keeps getting worse and worse. Every single time we learn something, it gets worse and worse. 

We already knew that they waited far too long to confront the shooter. I’m referring to the 70 minutes officers spent waiting before they stormed the classroom where the shooter was hiding out. But now we found out that they lied about not having enough weapons to go in. The officers had assault rifles, body armor and ballistic shields, so I’m sorry, what else were they waiting for? The invincible star from Mario? How do you not go in?

Uvalde police also didn’t try to get into the classroom. The department previously stated that officers had to wait for a key because the door was locked, but the Texas public safety director announced on Tuesday that the door was never locked. They just never tried to open it? Which is ridiculous. Even people waiting outside like a locked bathroom at Starbucks will jiggle the handle after like two minutes, just to be sure. But it turns out these cops couldn’t do what the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park took five minutes to learn.

The tragic irony, was that the one time it would’ve been appropriate to go in guns blazing, the cops decide to have a picnic outside. But if you’re Black, or you have a broken tail light, then all of a sudden they go full Rambo on your ass. It’s another reminder that you can’t just trust what the police say. Yes, they’re police. Yes, you respect them. But it doesn’t mean that you trust every single thing they say after an incident.

What we have learned is that cops in America, they basically use the same principle as toddlers: they’ll tell the truth, but only if it doesn’t get them in trouble.” —Trevor Noah

 

Thursday, January 27, 2022

The only way Joe’s gonna kill you is by repeatedly telling the same story (Youchers)


January 2022

“The tension is sky-high over Russia’s massing of troops on the border with Ukraine. So the world’s two greatest nuclear powers are toe-to-toe in a high-stakes staring contest, but not everyone is pulling for our guy. There is a new poll which found 62% of Republicans think Putin is a ‘stronger leader’ than Biden. What is wrong with you? Stop rooting for the other team! Haven’t you seen Rocky IV, From Russia With Love, Air Force One, Rambo First Blood Part II, Golden Eye, The Hunt for Red October? Come on! I’m not sure what the Republican criterion for toughness is. It is true that Biden hasn’t murdered anyone with a cup of tea laced with polonium, a noose, point-blank shootings or by chucking them out of windows. The only way Joe’s gonna kill you is by repeatedly telling the same story.” —Stephen Colbert

“This comes after a yearlong, high-pressure campaign to get Stephen Breyer to step down while Democrats still have control of the Senate, which included a billboard truck that drove around Washington, D.C., that said ‘Breyer, retire.’ Youchers, that has got to sting. That’s like if I walked up to the Ed Sullivan Theater and the building said, ‘Quit.’” —Stephen Colbert


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Monday, March 27, 2017

Operation Bore Them to Death (findings are based on the study of the Bush twins)



"And today in Afghanistan, a helicopter carrying three US senators had to make an emergency landing because of bad weather. All three senators are okay. Wasn't that the plot of the last "Rambo" movie? No, in the helicopter were Senators Chuck Hagel, Joe Biden, and John Kerry. See, they are part of our new military offensive against al Qaeda, Operation Bore Them to Death. They give speeches, the people fall asleep, we attack." --Jay Leno

"Hard to believe Fidel Castro is gone. See? So, the embargo worked; 49 years later, he is out of there. In fact, to mark the end of his almost 50 years in power, the Cuban people today gave Fidel Castro a golden raft." --Jay Leno

"Scientists now believe that a child's intellectual power, a child's brain power, a child's I.Q., is inherited solely from the mother. All the intelligence of a child comes from the mother. These findings are based on the study of the Bush twins." --Jay Leno