Bush is putting FEMA in charge to make sure the money never gets there (never lie to Oprah)

"Bush is now urging all nations to cut off aid to Hamas and Palestine, including the $234 million we were going to send them. In fact, to make sure, Bush is putting FEMA in charge to make sure the money never gets there." --Jay Leno

"In Palestine, Hamas won by a landslide, huge, huge margin. How does this make Democrats feel? They can't win anything and terrorists are winning in a landslide." --Jay Leno

"Al-Qaeda number two man Ayman al-Zawahriha released a new video where he calls President Bush a warmonger, a failure and a man who has brought catastrophe to the United States. I’m sorry that’s what Howard Dean said." --Jay Leno

"Tomorrow night, President Bush will give his  State of the Union address. He's expected to repeat several universal truths: All people deserve to be free, democracy is good, and the most important truth, never lie to Oprah." --Jay Leno

The Great Wall of Chimichanga (but I don't think he's praying)

"The United States Senate today took some steps to keep illegal immigrants out of our 'American Idol' competitions. They voted to build a 370-mile long fence along the border between the U.S. and Mexico. They also announced that they're going to hire illegal immigrant workers to build it. The Senators voted overwhelmingly for the fence. As I said, it is 370 miles long. Unfortunately, the actual border with Mexico is more than 2,000 miles long. So, I guess the message is 'go around.' Tentatively, they're calling it 'The Great Wall of Chimichanga.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"I'd like to talk to you for a minute about Jesus. Have you taken him as your personal Lord and Savior? No? Then you're probably not in politics. In recent years, religious fundamentalists have evolved [on screen: John McCain]. I'm sorry -- intelligently designed themselves [on screen: Hillary Clinton] into a force to be reckoned with [on screen: Rev. Pat Robertson]. How powerful are they? [on screen: Howard Dean]. Powerful enough to make Howard Dean a temporary member of the 700 Club, which, by the way, is the number of votes he got from evangelicals when he ran for president. Well, he's on his knees, but I don't think he's praying." --Lewis Black, on The Daily Show