These layoffs were brought to you by the letters F and U (if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years)

Sesame Street announced that they have fired several of their long-time cast members. These layoffs were brought to you by the letters F and U. –Conan O’Brien

"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

“I’m on my way!!,” said R. Kelly (you're probably not big on warnings)

According to CNN, over 800 people in Central Florida were stung by jellyfish this week. “I’m on my way!!” said R. Kelly. --Seth Meyers

Authorities are warning people to avoid swimming in some New Jersey rivers because of increased numbers of so-called clinging jellyfish. Though if you're swimming in New Jersey rivers, you're probably not big on warnings. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they cite the case of Johnson versus enormous Johnson (That's why I spend so much time with my hose)

Lawyers for Sean Diddy Combs claim his freakoff orgies were just amateur porn protected by the first amendment and they cite the case of Johnson versus enormous Johnson. —Greg Gutfeld

A 95-year-old woman from South London has broken five age group world records for swimming. And they plan to give her a medal if she ever comes back. —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, a new study shows that gardening is good for your brain. That's why I spend so much time with my hose, said Bill Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The state also changed its name to Chillinois (So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer)

"A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer." –Conan O'Brien

"Today Illinois became the 20th state to legalize marijuana. The state also changed its name to Chillinois." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which to be fair is the only way Planet Fitness lets you cancel your membership (multiple vibration settings)

A man in California was arrested after he went to a Planet Fitness, took off his clothes and threatened people with a knife. Which to be fair is the only way Planet Fitness lets you cancel your membership. —Colin Jost

A 99 year old woman in Canada broke three swimming records for her class in one day until finally, someone noticed she had fallen in. —Colin Jost

After the New Hampshire primary, Nikki Haley attacked Donald Trump and called out his, quote, ‘senior moments’, which made Trump so angry, he almost ripped off the safety rails on his toilet. —Michael Che

President Biden is planning to send the director of the CIA to broker a deal between Israel and Hamas, because no one eases tensions in the Middle East quite like the CIA. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They told him to clear out his desk, put on some pants and leave (ANOTHER Phelps swimmer just won a race)

I want to say congrats to Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps and his fiancée, Nicole Johnson, who just announced that they're expecting a baby boy. So it looks like yet ANOTHER Phelps swimmer just won a race. –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney attended the opening ceremony of President Bush’s library. It's fitting for Cheney to be at the library. He spent eight years telling Bush to be quiet." –Jimmy Fallon

CBS just fired Charlie Rose after allegations of sexual harassment. Yep. They told him to clear out his desk, put on some pants and leave. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer (What are we fighting for, man?)

August 2012

"Mitt Romney is claiming he’s going to create 12 million jobs in his first term. But he hasn’t said yet if he’ll create them in China or India.” –Conan O'Brien

"The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold." –Conan O'Brien

"Romney's Olympic horse is named Rafalco. She said I needed a silly name that no one's ever heard of before and Mitt was taken." –Conan O'Brien

"A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer." –Conan O'Brien 

"An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, 'What are we fighting for, man?'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts (1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die)

July 2012

"All in all a successful trip. Best of all, Mitt Romney has checked three countries off the list of '1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Like Sarah Palin, Rafalca's female, also doesn't read newspapers, and has completed the same number of terms as governor." –Stephen Colbert, on Ann Romney's horse that competed in the Olympic Dressage event

"A couple of big birthdays today — comedian Tom Green and former government of California Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now Tom Green and Arnold Schwarzenegger are very different. One has disgusted millions with his revolting antics and the other one's Tom Green." –Craig Ferguson

"A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics (it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming)

July 2012

"The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn't aired yet. NBC apologized saying, 'We're just not used to people watching our network.'" –Conan O'Brien

"An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming." –Conan O'Brien

"Olympic officials said Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a headscarf. A Saudi woman said she's thrilled about the ruling. All she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lo Mein of Mass Destruction (freestyle waterboarding)

"President Bush will be in China for the Olympics. He's gonna be there for the opening ceremonies, and also, while he's there, he will be searching for 'Lo Mein of Mass Destruction.'" --David Letterman

"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming team this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"They say John McCain is 71, but people are saying he may be older. No one knows for sure because his birth certificate was destroyed when the Wagon Train was attacked." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

So, boys, next time somebody says you throw like a girl, say "Thank you."

America just dominated the 2016 Olympics! That's right, we killed it. We got 121 medals! And I'm not surprised. I watched the Games here in the States — can't remember the channel — and from what I saw, apparently only Americans competed. Americans, and Usain Bolt. Of course, he's an honorary American, because Jamaica is basically tropical Colorado. –Stephen Colbert

And the majority of those American medals were won by female athletes. So, boys, next time somebody on the playground says you throw like a girl, say "Thank you." –Stephen Colbert

You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, you're Olympic swimmers, you spend 90 percent of your lives in public pools. That's what the chlorine's for. –Stephen Colbert

Today, Ryan Lochte lost all four of his sponsors, including Speedo. And that's got to hurt, because they've been his biggest supporter — well, not biggest, but crucial. –Stephen Colbert