no one asked the cow to do that (Unfortunately, most of them work at Chipotle)

A farm in Ohio has the words “NO TRUMP” written so large in cow manure that it can be seen by overhead planes. The craziest part — no one asked the cow to do that. –Seth Meyers

According to a recent survey, 15 percent of Americans have admitted to cooking in the nude. Unfortunately, most of them work at Chipotle. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So good news, my dad can fly out for Easter after all (It’s all part of Oregon’s “right to die” law)

According to a study, being a new mother is the equivalent of working two and a half full-time jobs. And, even worse, the boss is constantly grabbing for your breasts. --Conan O’Brien

After causing a huge controversy, United Airlines now says it will allow any paying passenger to wear leggings. So good news, my dad can fly out for Easter after all. –Conan O’Brien

A woman in Oregon who was hospitalized for E. coli after eating Chipotle is suing the company for free Chipotle. It’s all part of Oregon’s “right to die” law. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unions are a better deal than textbooks made them out to be (LA continues to be our most flammable city)

“Whether you win a basketball championship, a World Series championship, whether you have an exploding piñata gender reveal gone wrong, congratulations, it’s a boy and an evacuation. Or you’re just protesting the Trump administration’s expanded deportation raids. LA continues to be our most flammable city.” —Jon Stewart

President Trump, meanwhile, is set to attend the opening night of Les Misérables this week at the Kennedy Center. It’s the story of a convicted criminal who struggles to find redemption by going to see Les Misérables at the Kennedy Center. Les Misérables is French for how Trump will feel while sitting through it. —Seth Meyers

The fast-food chain Chipotle is set to launch a new adobo ranch dip. And then about four hours later, you’ll launch it. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It seems as foreign as the men I hire to cradle me while I nap (getting stoned together in Budapest)

Chipotle is giving away $1 million worth of buy 1 get one free burritos. In a related story Jerry Nadler's dry cleaner committed suicide. —Greg Gutfeld

According to Variety movie theaters are contemplating letting people smoke pot and text while enjoying a movie. And why is that? Well these days theaters are as empty as Kamala's medicine cabinet. True, it's never really recovered from Covid and the idea of sitting with strangers to watch a movie, well it seems as foreign as the men I hire to cradle me while I nap. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don’t worry, the rats died of E. coli before they hit the ground (Police are describing the suspect as his mother)

In Virginia someone broke into a man’s apartment, cleaned it, and took nothing. Completely cleaned the place. Police are describing the suspect as his mother. –Conan O’Brien

Chipotle has closed a location in Dallas after diners filmed three rats falling from the ceiling. Don’t worry, the rats died of E. coli before they hit the ground. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s all part of Oregon’s “right to die” law (he was the first tortoise in history to be drafted into the NBA)

A woman in Oregon who was hospitalized for E. coli after eating Chipotle is suing the company for free Chipotle. It’s all part of Oregon’s “right to die” law. –Conan O’Brien

A 100-year-old tortoise named Diego has now fathered over 800 offspring. Which is why today, he was the first tortoise in history to be drafted into the NBA. –Conan O’Brien

A man is getting bar mitzvah’d at age 113. They’re hoping the attendance is better than last year when he got circumcised. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Don’t worry, the rats died of E. coli before they hit the ground (Police are describing the suspect as his mother)

In Virginia someone broke into a man’s apartment, cleaned it, and took nothing. Completely cleaned the place. Police are describing the suspect as his mother. –Conan O’Brien

Chipotle has closed a location in Dallas after diners filmed three rats falling from the ceiling. Don’t worry, the rats died of E. coli before they hit the ground. –Conan O’Brien

Football stadiums are going to get a delivery system that will bring food right to your seat. However, if you’re a Los Angeles Rams fan, your food will most likely be intercepted and returned for a touchdown. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You're not allowed back at the zoo (Hey, that's our slogan/chopped nuts)

Finally, a bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. And this is insensitive -- it has chopped nuts. --Seth Meyers

 After being bitten by a shark last week, a Colorado man achieved a rare distinction of being attacked by a shark, bear, and rattlesnake all within the last four years. Or as it was reported to the man, you're not allowed back at the zoo. --Seth Meyers

A man in Massachusetts is converting his funeral home into an ice cream parlor with the slogan, "A taste to die for." "Hey, that's our slogan," said Chipotle. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

The craziest part — no one asked the cow to do that (if you can say that, you’re probably not drunk enough to eat it)

According to a recent survey, 15 percent of Americans have admitted to cooking in the nude. Unfortunately, most of them work at Chipotle. –Seth Meyers

A farm in Ohio has the words “NO TRUMP” written so large in cow manure that it can be seen by overhead planes. The craziest part — no one asked the cow to do that. –Seth Meyers

Taco Bell has announced that it is creating a hybrid of its Quesalupas and Doritos Locos Tacos, called the Doritos Quesalupa Crunch. Of course, if you can say that, you’re probably not drunk enough to eat it. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The feature is called "a crowbar." (Well, then you’re all set)

Chipotle is now being accused of gender discrimination. A spokesperson for Chipotle said, "That’s not true, we serve both E. coli and She. coli." –Conan O’Brien

Chipotle said they will be closing all of their stores for one day next month to discuss food safety. Chipotle said if that doesn’t work they’re going to fall back to Plan B, "Salmonella Sundays." –Conan O’Brien

Chase bank ATMs are getting a new feature that will allow customers to withdraw cash without using a card. The feature is called "a crowbar." –Conan O’Brien

Today, Donald Trump got the endorsement of Sarah Palin. When he heard, John McCain said, "Well, then you’re all set." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sorry, the answer we're looking for was 'Jeffrey Epstein din't kill himself' (In an unrelated story, check out my amazing coat)

January 2023

The Dallas Zoo has been dealing with disappearance of several animals including a leopard, monkeys and a vulture. In an unrelated story, check out my amazing coat. —Colin Jost

A 23 year old chihuahua in Ohio named Spike has been officially named the world’s oldest living dog. The secret to Spike’s long life, a lot of chihuahuas look the same. —Colin Jost

Chipotle has announced plans to prepare for its busiest time of the year, which they are calling Burrito Season, and toilets are calling The Apocalypse. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They've tried Nothing and are all out of ideas (Don’t worry, the rats died of E. coli before they hit the ground)

"Elmo from 'Sesame Street' is appearing in a new public service announcement informing people about swine flu. Doctors warn that if you see a red, furry, high-pitched monster informing you about swine flu, you may already have it." --Conan O'Brien

"Disneyworld has become a popular location for Republican fundraisers. A favorite activity is to ride through It's a Small World, and deport most of the dolls." –Conan O'Brien

Chipotle has closed a location in Dallas after diners filmed three rats falling from the ceiling. Don’t worry, the rats died of E. coli before they hit the ground. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately, hell came to us (potted organ meat, battered fish and room-temperature beer)

July 2022

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it is hot. It is hot! Not just here in the U.S., but there are record-high temperatures all across the world. Seriously, it’s so hot, people on TikTok were slapping each other with tortillas just for the breeze.” —Jimmy Fallon

“It’s so hot right now, the fantasy suite on ‘The Bachelorette’ is just the back of an ice cream truck.” —Jimmy Fallon

“It is so hot, people are ordering Chipotle just so the E. coli can give them the chills.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The heat’s hitting the Brits extra hard, because the Brits aren’t used to extreme weather, and the houses over there — especially older ones — were built to retain warmth. Now luckily, Brits can keep cool with their light and refreshing cuisine of potted organ meat, battered fish and room-temperature beer.” —Stephen Colbert

“The US is also experiencing an extreme heatwave, as nearly 20% of the population will likely see a temperature at or above 100 degrees this week. Remember when you wished that everybody who denied climate change would go to hell? Unfortunately, hell came to us.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot (My last name? It's not important.)

A couple in Ohio yesterday ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the starting line. Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot. –Seth Meyers

"After closing their final session, the outgoing 113th Congress has an approval rating of just 16 percent. To give you some perspective, Bill Cosby is at 17." –Seth Meyers

A man in Massachusetts is converting his funeral home into an ice cream parlor with the slogan, "A taste to die for." "Hey, that's our slogan," said Chipotle. –Seth Meyers

"President Vladimir Putin has been named Russia's man of the year. Second place went to 'Or else.'" –Seth Meyers

"Jeb Bush announced on the Internet that he is exploring a 2016 bid for president. And to increase his chances, he's going to run as just 'Jeb.' He said, 'My last name? It's not important.'" –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump did an impression of Hillary Clinton at a rally this weekend accusing Clinton of needing a teleprompter, speaking in a robotic manner and being boring. And then Hillary did an impression of Donald Trump by crushing a poor person's dreams. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what’s a cool nickname? Stormy. (So ladies, he's officially single. Run!)

"Vladimir Putin's divorce became final today. So ladies, he's officially single. Run!" –Seth Meyers

"The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She'll get the house and the car and he'll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus…" –Seth Meyers

President Trump this morning on Twitter nicknamed former President Obama for the first time, and called him “Cheatin’ Obama.” Cheatin’ Obama? That’s a pretty lame nickname. You know what’s a cool nickname? Stormy. --Seth Meyers

Subway has begun posting calorie counts on the menu boards at its 27,000 stores nationwide. And Chipotle is posting a body count. –Seth Meyers

"Senator Ted Cruz has officially announced that he is running for president. But if you see a T-shirt that says 'Ted Cruz 2016,' those aren’t election shirts. That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How 'bout some help here? (She kept referring to lunch period as “Miller time.”)

Do you ever notice that sometimes when Donald Trump gives a press conference he sounds like a 5-year-old telling you what he saw at the zoo. --Seth Meyers

Police in South Carolina charged a substitute teacher last week for allegedly being drunk while in class. Students realized she was drunk after she kept referring to lunch period as “Miller time.” –Seth Meyers

New York lawmakers have proposed a new bill that would make baseball the state's official sport, replacing the current official sport, trying to urinate between two parked cars without getting caught. --Seth Meyers

CNN and Telemundo both carried tonight’s debate. So questions were addressed either “for Mr. Trump” or “para El Diablo." –Seth Meyers

According to a recent survey, 15 percent of Americans have admitted to cooking in the nude. Unfortunately, most of them work at Chipotle. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m the Least Worst (Oligarchy Repair Kit)

"The Super Bowl this year will be played in Governor Chris Christie's home state of New Jersey. It's a state that lately has gotten used to 300-pound guys blocking things." –Conan O'Brien

A lot of people are upset because in a new movie, Michael Jackson will be played by British white actor Joseph Fiennes. They’re also not thrilled about the new James Brown biopic starring Benedict Cumberbatch. –Conan O’Brien

A member of Marco Rubio’s inner circle said his boss benefitted from the Trump-Cruz fight because, "Marco is everyone’s second choice." That explains Rubio’s new campaign slogan, "I’m the Least Worst." –Conan O’Brien

"Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing emails from President George W. Bush's Administration. And you can tell the emails are from the Bush Administration because they all begin, 'Dear Santa.'" –Conan O'Brien

Today, Queen Elizabeth stepped down as the patron of children’s charities. The queen said, “I just realized I really hate kids.” –Conan O’Brien

Chipotle is now being accused of gender discrimination. A spokesperson for Chipotle said, "That’s not true, we serve both E. coli and She. coli." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was the worst rollout since that time I got stuck in a hammock (a body has already washed up onshore)

Officials have announced that Manhattan will be getting its first public beach in 2022. And even though it's three years away, a body has already washed up onshore. --Seth Meyers

Executives from Chipotle have announced their restaurants will be giving away twice their usual amount of free food as part of a promotion to restore the company’s image following its ecoli outbreak. Although I’m not sure it was a good idea to call the promotion, “Free-Coli." –Seth Meyers

President Obama surprised his White House staffers with a private concert by Bruce Springsteen to thank them for their work over the last eight years. Meanwhile, Trump thanked his supporters with a performance by a Bruce Springsteen cover band’s drummer’s DJ friend. –Seth Meyers

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie yesterday slammed the rollout of President Trump’s executive order on immigration, saying it was terrible. Christie added, “It was the worst rollout since that time I got stuck in a hammock.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s what they say about owning a casino, and he bankrupted three of those (Watch out, the Chipotle could explode!)

March 2021

“If somebody said ‘N95’ to you one year ago, you’d think they were a bingo caller.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Remember when we were carefully disassembling our Instacart deliveries like a munitions expert in ‘The Hurt Locker’? Watch out, the Chipotle could explode!” —Jimmy Kimmel

“We haven’t been able to see friends, hug loved ones – I miss physical contact so much I applied for a job at Governor Cuomo’s office last month.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Joe Biden struck a note of optimism in his first primetime address as president on Thursday, as he promised vaccine eligibility for all American adults by 1 May and touted the possibility of outdoor group gatherings for the 4th of July. The speech came exactly one year after Donald Trump downplayed the severity of the virus in primetime, calling the risk ‘very, very low’. That’s what they say about owning a casino, and he bankrupted three of those.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

There's no one OF WHOM you're prouder (how many of you threw on a movie and left school early to be here?)

Today is National Teacher Appreciation Day. Our entire audience is filled with New York City public school teachers. Be honest, how many of you threw on a movie and left school early to be here? --Jimmy Fallon

But Teacher Appreciation Day is very special. It's the one day each year when we tell our teachers that there's no one we're prouder of, and our teachers are like, "There's no one OF WHOM you're prouder." --Jimmy Fallon

And Teacher Appreciation Day is a great time to give your teacher a card or an apple or what they really deserve — a bottle of wine and a straw. --Jimmy Fallon

Today, teachers can get buy one, get one free burritos at Chipotle. Or as students put it, "Looks like we're going to have a substitute tomorrow." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”