Wow, a minute longer than I expected (she's worried if she quits she’ll be humiliated or, worse...)

Former President Donald Trump has been spending primary season balancing campaign events with court appearances. Trump testified as part of a defamation trial against him earlier in the day, where he defied the judge’s orders to answer questions with a “yes” or “no.” Which is fitting, because the whole trial is the result of Trump disregarding everything after ‘no.’ — Stephen Colbert

“He only lasted about three minutes. Then Stormy Daniels was, like, ‘Wow, a minute longer than I expected.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Well, guys, as mentioned, Nikki Haley is refusing to drop out of the race, and Trump is still furious about it. Yep, Haley’s worried if she quits she’ll be humiliated or, worse, Trump’s V.P.” — Jimmy Fallon

“In a post on Truth Social, former President Trump said that anyone who donates to Nikki Haley’s campaign will be permanently barred from the MAGA camp. Wow, what does ‘barred from the MAGA camp’ even mean? Like, what, you’re not invited to the next insurrection?” — Jimmy Kimmel

“If you’re wondering what MAGA camp is, it’s like Boy Scout camp, except the badges are for things like tax evasion, election fraud, lying about your golf score.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, they don't call them fines. They call them 'campaign contributions.' (I didn’t even know Dick Cheney was at the convention)

"The stock market was closed for two days, yesterday and today. You know what that means? Although our lives were in danger, at least for two days our money was safe." –Jay Leno

"Italy's former prime minister Sylvia Berlusconi has been sentenced to four years in prison for tax evasion. You know what you get in America for tax evasion? The Republican presidential nomination." –Jay Leno

"According to a new report, BP has the worst safety record of all the oil companies. They've paid over $372 million in fines. Oh, they don't call them fines. They call them 'campaign contributions.'" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin said last night that John McCain had seen evil, but I didn’t even know Dick Cheney was at the convention." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Pope said, 'Great, my favorite.' (Cheating the system)

March 2014

"Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election in Toronto, and last night's first debate was about public transportation. Ford said it's important to preserve the city's bus and subway stations. Then he said, 'I rely on those things. I'm way too drunk to drive myself.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama visited with Pope Francis today, and during the meeting the president gave Pope Francis some seeds used in the White House garden. Then he said, 'Don't plant these where anyone can see them. They're straight from Denver. '" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was at the Vatican today. He had his first meeting with Pope Francis. It was a casual meeting. They spoke privately for about an hour and grabbed lunch at the Cheesecake Factory." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's traditional for world leaders to exchange gifts when they meet for the first time. The Pope gave Obama his book and two medallions. The president gave him seeds from the vegetable garden. The Pope said, 'Great, my favorite.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now, I'm no marriage counselor, but ladies, isn't that a red flag? (What? When did we start paying taxes?)

"They're now coming out with the new, 75th edition of Monopoly, this time with a round board. No more square boards. And actually, they've updated the whole game. In the new version, the banker is a Wall Street CEO. He overextends mortgages, he loses the bank, and when things go under, he uses his get-out-of-jail-for-free card. So it's all very realistic." –Jay Leno

"More problems for Goldman Sachs. Did you know the tax rate it paid on its profits last year was 0.6 percent? And of course, the CEO of Goldman Sachs was furious when he heard this. He said: 'What? When did we start paying taxes? This is ridiculous.'" –Jay Leno

"Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver's license." –Jay Leno

"The wife of Gov. Mark Sanford — you know the guy who snuck off to Argentina to see his mistress? You know this moron, this idiot? Well, now the wife says in the book, when they got married, Mark Sanford insisted on taking the part about being faithful out of the wedding vows. Now, I'm no marriage counselor, but ladies, isn't that a red flag?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was the worst rollout since that time I got stuck in a hammock (a body has already washed up onshore)

Officials have announced that Manhattan will be getting its first public beach in 2022. And even though it's three years away, a body has already washed up onshore. --Seth Meyers

Executives from Chipotle have announced their restaurants will be giving away twice their usual amount of free food as part of a promotion to restore the company’s image following its ecoli outbreak. Although I’m not sure it was a good idea to call the promotion, “Free-Coli." –Seth Meyers

President Obama surprised his White House staffers with a private concert by Bruce Springsteen to thank them for their work over the last eight years. Meanwhile, Trump thanked his supporters with a performance by a Bruce Springsteen cover band’s drummer’s DJ friend. –Seth Meyers

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie yesterday slammed the rollout of President Trump’s executive order on immigration, saying it was terrible. Christie added, “It was the worst rollout since that time I got stuck in a hammock.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the fat creep into threesomes gets a standing ovation (That’s like a Phish concert without rolling papers)

"I have not seen anything this surreal since they canceled 'Twin Peaks.' What else can you say about a Republican debate when the rich guy, who’s avoiding taxes – which they like, gets booed and the fat creep into threesomes gets a standing ovation?" –Bill Maher, on Romney and Gingrich in the CNN debate

"Rick Perry dropped out. He said while it’s sad he won’t be president, he can always run again next year." –Bill Maher

At Trump’s impeachment trial Democrats wanted to bring in witnesses but the Republicans said No. A trial without witnesses? That’s like a Phish concert without rolling papers. —Bill Maher

“Alan Dershowitz is one of the lawyers defending Trump at his impeachment trial. Dershowitz also defended Harvey Weinstein, O.J. Simpson and now Trump. Wow, think about that. Weinstein, O.J. and Trump. Flabby, Grabby and Stabby.” —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry 

 

For them, life is like Waffle House after 2am – there are no rules (Let’s get back to basics, people)

October 2021

“A massive collection of documents revealing the tax-dodging strategies of the ultra-rich has been leaked to the public. The so-called ‘Pandora papers’ is the largest trove of leaked offshore data in history, containing more than 11.9m files from 14 offshore service providers. On one level, it isn’t surprising that rich people avoid paying taxes. I mean, these are the world’s elites. For them, life is like Waffle House after 2am – there are no rules.” —Trevor Noah

“But it’s still eye-opening to see just what lengths they go to to hide their wealth. They’ve gotten offshore havens, they’ve got dummy corporations, they’ve got teams of accountants. I mean, call me old-fashioned, but whatever happened to just putting your money in a big treasure chest and burying it in the sand? Let’s get back to basics, people.” —Trevor Noah

“Following on from the Panama papers in 2016 and the Paradise papers in 2017, the Pandora papers reveal the places and rules that allow the ultra-rich to shelter wealth and skirt taxes – including, surprisingly, South Dakota, whose trusts now hold $370 Billion in assets, up from $60 Billion a decade ago. American billionaires aren’t among the wealthy sheltering their money in the state, however, since lax US tax codes make such effort unnecessary. Not having a tax haven problem because your tax laws are already so easy on wealthy people – that, my friends, is rock and roll. It almost makes me feel bad for American billionaires though, because hiding the money is part of the fun. It’s like trying to rob a bank but they just give you the cash when you walk in.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lord help this woman if she ever runs into a really scary black guy like Wayne Brady or Urkel (it wasn’t because I was trying to get high)

January 2012

"Look at that (image of Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer's finger in Obama's face). Right to the President of the United States. Now, Jan Brewer says she regrets the confrontation, but these are the kind of problems that arise when we permit negroes to read." –Bill Maher

"Jan Brewer also said, I swear to God, this is the quote -- today she said, or yesterday she was interviewed about this, she said she felt a 'little bit threatened.' Really? On the tarmac in broad daylight? What was he going to do, deck her? Or buy the house next door? I mean, wow. Lord help this woman if she ever runs into a really scary black guy like Wayne Brady or Urkel." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney said he loves Florida. All the sunshine and sandy beaches reminds him of the country where he keeps his money." –Bill Maher

"Yes, Mitt finally released his tax returns for one year. It turns out he keeps a lot of his money in the Cayman Islands, in Bermuda, Luxemburg, a Swiss bank account. And he said he’s not trying to evade paying taxes by keeping his money in these places. That’s like saying I got caught with meth and crack, but it wasn’t because I was trying to get high." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This would be a great setup for a Freaky Friday body switch (especially in the Weiner house)

June 2011

"Days are longer in the summer, especially in the Weiner house." –David Letterman

"In New York City today, no one was able to move as both President Obama and Justin Bieber visited. Obama was there to raise money for his presidential campaign; Bieber was launching his new fragrance. This would be a great setup for a Freaky Friday body switch." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich said Republicans shouldn’t be afraid to go into black neighborhoods and tell them Obama failed them. To which every Republican replied 'You first.'" –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It's not their field. It's like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here's what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here's what they don't know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I'd join the Tea Party." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It turns out those places are nowhere near each other (If you know what I mean)

June 2011

"Today Sarah Palin canceled her bus tour, reportedly canceling dates in Iowa, South Carolina, and New Hampshire. When asked why, Palin answered: 'It turns out those places are nowhere near each other.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, “What an idiot! It's 'The Tweeter.''" –Conan O'Brien

“Newt Gingrich bragged on his 3rd wife, saying, 'She plays the French horn.' Then things got awkward when he added, 'If you know what I mean.'” –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the third most dangerous virus lurking in the Bachelor hot tub (That's why I don't Pay Taxes)

“Tuesday was the first day of work for Trump’s new chief of staff, Mark Meadows, a former North Carolina congressman who’s one of Trump’s most enthusiastic suck-ups. In fact, the only reason Meadows agreed to take the job of chief of staff is because he found out the job of First Lady was already taken.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And finally, ABC announced that it has cancelled the Bachelor Summer Games. This suddenly just got real for me. I guess they had no choice, but the truth is, corona is only the third most dangerous virus lurking in the Bachelor hot tub.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You have to be, like, 25% famous to get tested (For scale, that’s four and a half Michael Bloombergs)

“The pandemic is having a devastating impact on the economy – restaurants alone could lose $225 Billion in the next three months. For scale, that’s four and a half Michael Bloombergs.” —Samantha Bee

“The economic impact of coronavirus has created a Catch-22: if you do have a job, you could be forced to work in dangerous conditions. For example, last week Amazon discovered a coronavirus case in one of its New York warehouses, and while they’re being generous enough to offer a whole extra $2 an hour for working during a plague, they offered paid time off only if workers tested positive. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but those tests are kind of hard to come by right now. You have to be, like, 25% famous to get tested. It’s the new getting verified on Twitter.” —Samantha Bee

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Okay, it's been four hours, time to get you involved (Top 18 Corporate Tax Dodgers)

June 2011

"The question is – why can't Congressman Anthony Weiner say with certitude if the crotch in question is his or not? Because he’s got so many crotch shots lying around, maybe one got away? Maybe he's been taking a picture of his crotch every hour for a month, to create one of those cool YouTube time lapse videos?" –NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

"Congressman Weiner said the photo leak was a prank, he’s a victim, the picture could be taken out of context? In what possible context would you take this picture? Maybe he meant to send it to his Doctor, with the message, "Okay, it's been four hours, time to get you involved." –NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!”

"Sarah Palin’s family road trip has a title; it’s called the One Nation Tour, and she’s brought along her husband and her kids and all the typical summer road trip stuff, like sun tan lotion, stuff for s’mores, and Greta Van Susteren." –NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

"Sarah Palin’s cross country road trip is not a political event, she says, but just a summer vacation with her family, just like the ones you have. Except my summer vacations generally don't have a title." –NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

So maybe he is a good actor after all (Not One Nickel)

May 2011

"I'm Conan O'Brien, or as I can now publicly call myself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jr." –Conan O'Brien

"Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold kept the child secret for 10 years. So maybe he is a good actor after all." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He was probably going blind anyway (We own a republican congress)

"Friday the news broke: a stash of pornography was found inside Osama bin Laden’s compound. Even before Navy SEALs shot out his eyes, bin Laden was probably going blind anyway." –Jon Stewart

"President Obama's approval rating, which got a bump after killing bin Laden, has slipped again. Which is really bad news — not for the president, for Moammar Gaddafi." –Jay Leno

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Incidentally, 1,000 No’s is what Trump calls consent (the first fight decided by natural causes)

What better way to start Black History Month than to be failed by the justice system. Why was this impeachment ever a good idea? We would have been better off yelling, “Citizen’s Arrest!” —Michael Che

I can’t be a democrat and a Knicks fan. That’s too much heartbreak, man. —Michael Che

Boxers Larry Holmes and Jerry Cooney are in talks for a rematch nearly 40 years after they last fought. It will consist of 10 rounds and 80 bathroom breaks. It will be the first fight decided by natural causes. —Michael Che

The Palestinian president has rejected Trump’s Middle East peace plan saying, “1,000 No’s to the deal.” Incidentally, 1,000 No’s is what Trump calls consent. —Michael Che

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

One of the worst disasters to hit the U.S. (China is beating us at that too)

"Republicans and Democrats have agreed to a deal. After intense negotiations, they agreed on a budget deal and a short-term funding extension to keep this country not moving forward." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm so glad the government is still running. If it stopped, who would give me my parking tickets – Santa?" –Jimmy Kimmel 

"I'm not going to pay taxes. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even." –Jimmy Kimmel

"America is producing fewer Caucasian babies. I suppose China is beating us at that too." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

but it is a great reminder that you’re a total douche (two of his least favorite things)

“Lt. Colonel Vindman began his time with a message to his father, who fled the Soviet Union 40 years ago, that he shouldn’t worry about his son speaking the truth in America. The statement was beautiful, but you know it’s really going to enrage Trump because it features two of his least favorite things: immigrants and fathers who love their sons.” --Stephen Colbert

“Throughout the testimony, Vindman expressed faith in American government to protect truth-tellers. Yeah, in America, ‘right’, matters. You know, unless you’re one of the congressmen on the right, then not so much these days.” --Stephen Colbert

“There were several Republican efforts to undercut Vindman, such as the Utah congressman Chris Stewart’s attempt to throw shade at his military uniform. ‘I see you’re wearing your dress uniform, knowing that’s not the uniform of the day,’ Stewart said. ‘You normally wear a suit to the White House. I think it’s a great reminder of your military service.’ Congressman, I see you’re wearing your little bitch face.. It’s not the face the of the day, but it is a great reminder that you’re a total douche.” --Stephen Colbert

“Then there was the Ohio congressman Jim Jordan, who tried to say Vindman’s superiors doubted his judgment; Vindman refuted the characterization by reading, verbatim, a sterling performance review from July. The review basically said ‘He uses excellent judgment, he plans ahead, he brings documents that rebut Jim Jordan’s weak-ass smack talk even before it leaves his dirty little mouth.’” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

If it’s sexy, something has gone horribly wrong (Is Capitalism Patriotic?)

“Here’s the thing, people: these hearings are investigating whether the president of the United States committed high crimes or misdemeanors. So they’re supposed to be serious, not about excitement. You know, impeachment is like a family reunion: If it’s sexy, something has gone horribly wrong.’” --Trevor Noah

“You know what’s funny is how when it was Hillary's scandal, Fox News was like, ‘Now as we well know, Benghazi isn’t just home to Libya’s signature dish, bazin, it’s also a hotbed of support for Ansar al-Sharia, especially around Tahrir Square. This is a big thing in Libya.’ When it’s a Donald Trump scandal, all of a sudden they’re like, ‘What’s a Ukraine? Ukraine? Do you crane? Do I crane? Frasier Crane? The bird crane?’” --Trevor Noah

“And you know it says in the Constitution, a sitting president cannot be found guilty of a crime if the trial leading up to it is boring.” --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor (another fake birth certificate)

"President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate." –Craig Ferguson

"Experts say this Presidential campaign will be the most expensive in history. A far cry from the very first re-election campaign back in 1792. When George Washington ran against a young Senator named John McCain." –Craig Ferguson

"As far as I'm concerned, the election starts with the first attack ad, which should appear in about 20 minutes." –Craig Ferguson

"I think elections should be quick. If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”