One slip of the knife and your elite eight becomes a final four (A-plus)

A vasectomy is not something you want to get at the busiest time of the year. It's not an iPhone. It's an unnecessary surgery on the most delicate part of your body. You know if they screw it up, there's no amount of basketball games that's going to make it OK. One slip of the knife and your elite eight becomes a final four. –James Corden

This morning, President Trump made a special phone call to his favorite television program, "Fox & Friends." Trump and the hosts talked about lots of things, and at one point, he was asked to grade his presidency. Take a look at what he said. [Trump clip] “I would give myself an A-plus.” An A-plus! From where — Trump University? --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

so hung over (chopped nuts/three wishes)

President Trump today met with the crown prince of Saudi Arabia at the White House. The prince asked for Trump's help fighting terrorism, and Trump asked for three wishes. --Seth Meyers

Finally, a bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. And this is insensitive -- it has chopped nuts. --Seth Meyers

"This week Pope Francis is celebrating his first anniversary as Pope, and he tweeted to his 3.7 million followers 'Please pray for me.' I was a little surprised that he hashtagged it, 'so hung over.'" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens (six of which Ozzy remembers)

This weekend, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. Ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. It's sad news. They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers. –Stephen Colbert

“According to one urologist, before the Supreme Court’s ruling he received four or five vasectomy requests a day. But since the decision, that number has spiked to 12 to 18. Makes sense. The most effective forms of birth control for men are abstinence and vasectomies. They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which meant that Saturday was Frozen Peas Day (selfie sticks)

Vice president-elect Mike Pence was seen today using a selfie stick while posing with a group of House Republicans. Of course, right after using the selfie stick, Pence had to go to confession. –Seth Meyers

It keeps happening. Trump makes up something insane about another country and then the president of that country has to come out and say it's not true. We're like a week away from the president of Romania calling a press conference to say, "I did not tell President Trump that vampires are real." --Seth Meyers

Friday was “World Vasectomy Day.” Which meant that Saturday was Frozen Peas Day. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot (chopped nuts)

A couple in Ohio yesterday ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the starting line. Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot. –Seth Meyers

Finally, a bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. And this is insensitive -- it has chopped nuts. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is the one time of the year that everyone is thinking about their Gonzagas (more aggressive sales campaigns)

Starting next month, people in Queensland, Australia will be able to personalize their license plates using emojis. It just doesn’t sound quite as cool for a car chase though to be like, “Dispatch, we’re in pursuit of a suspect. License number: Winking Face, Winking Face, Crying Laugh, Sunglasses, Dancing Lady. I need backup, dammit!” --James Corden

The NCAA tournament continues, and according to a new study, the tournament leads to a 30% increase in vasectomies. Apparently men schedule the procedure so that they can recover while watching basketball. It is the one time of the year that everyone is thinking about their Gonzagas. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, the patient was pretty upset when she woke up (Hey, first one's on the house)

New York governor Andrew Cuomo has endorsed a new two-strikes plan that would permanently ban people from the subway if they are convicted of two sexual offenses on mass transit. First of all...two?! You're just telling every pervert in town, "Hey, first one's on the house." --Seth Meyers

A doctor in the U.K. yesterday admitted misconduct charges after he accidentally performed a vasectomy on the wrong patient. Apparently, the patient was pretty upset when she woke up. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One slip of the knife and your elite eight becomes a final four (We both know you were out of vacation days)

There's an easier way to get four days off to watch basketball. You can just say you got a vasectomy, you don't actually have to do it! Your boss isn't going to ask you, “OK Larry, drop your pants. We both know you were out of vacation days." –James Corden

This is how popular March Madness is: Doctors have found a sudden rise in vasectomies coincides with the start of the NCAA tournament. Apparently, guys are scheduling their vasectomies for the beginning of the tournament so that they can have four days of rest and not miss any of the games. A vasectomy is not something you want to get at the busiest time of the year. It's not an iPhone. It's an unnecessary surgery on the most delicate part of your body. You know if they screw it up, there's no amount of basketball games that's going to make it OK. One slip of the knife and your elite eight becomes a final four. –James Corden

But we're not just tired today, we're also distracted because the NCAA College Basketball Championship bracket is set. Yes, it's time for March Madness! Or as Kanye West calls it, March. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens (To put that number into perspective)

Republicans, who were already nervous, ran for the exits after the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office announced yesterday that under the GOP plan, 22 million people would lose their health coverage. That's a big number. To put that number into perspective, if you laid 22 million people end to end, it would reach Canada, where they could get healthcare. –Stephen Colbert

“According to one urologist, before the Supreme Court’s ruling he received four or five vasectomy requests a day. But since the decision, that number has spiked to 12 to 18. Makes sense. The most effective forms of birth control for men are abstinence and vasectomies. They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens.” —Stephen Colbert

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has promised he will pass Trumpcare before the July 4 recess. And he has got to, because McConnell knows if they don't pass it now, there's a serious danger someone might read it. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You're not allowed back at the zoo (Hey, that's our slogan/chopped nuts)

Finally, a bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. And this is insensitive -- it has chopped nuts. --Seth Meyers

 After being bitten by a shark last week, a Colorado man achieved a rare distinction of being attacked by a shark, bear, and rattlesnake all within the last four years. Or as it was reported to the man, you're not allowed back at the zoo. --Seth Meyers

A man in Massachusetts is converting his funeral home into an ice cream parlor with the slogan, "A taste to die for." "Hey, that's our slogan," said Chipotle. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

OK Larry, drop your pants. We both know you were out of vacation days (Once you realize that, you can't go back)

And finally, the news from my homeland. A burglar in London recently attempted to sneak into a building through the backyard area and ended up disturbing the owner's beehive and the burglar was then chased away by a swarm of 80,000 angry bees. It sounds like this guy was the victim of a sting operation. --James Corden

There's an easier way to get four days off to watch basketball. You can just say you got a vasectomy, you don't actually have to do it! Your boss isn't going to ask you, “OK Larry, drop your pants. We both know you were out of vacation days." –James Corden

Sean Spicer said not only will Donald Trump donate his salary, he would love for White House reporters to determine “where it should go.” Unfortunately, where they suggested it should go is not a place that I can say on television. But seriously, how great would it be if the reporters all chose Planned Parenthood? –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One slip of the knife and your elite eight becomes a final four (Or as Kanye West calls it, March)

But we're not just tired today, we're also distracted because the NCAA College Basketball Championship bracket is set. Yes, it's time for March Madness! Or as Kanye West calls it, March. –James Corden

Congress voted to allow internet service providers to sell their customers’ web data without permission. I’ll just give all the viewers at home a moment to clear their browser history. –James Corden

A vasectomy is not something you want to get at the busiest time of the year. It's not an iPhone. It's an unnecessary surgery on the most delicate part of your body. You know if they screw it up, there's no amount of basketball games that's going to make it OK. One slip of the knife and your elite eight becomes a final four. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Apparently, the patient was pretty upset when she woke up (Miller Time)

It was reported yesterday that an op-ed written by Donald Trump seems to have been blatantly plagiarized from an article written by Dr. Ben Carson days before. People first became suspicious when Trump’s op-ed began, “As a black doctor…” --Seth Meyers

A doctor in the U.K. yesterday admitted misconduct charges after he accidentally performed a vasectomy on the wrong patient. Apparently, the patient was pretty upset when she woke up. --Seth Meyers

Police in South Carolina charged a substitute teacher last week for allegedly being drunk while in class. Students realized she was drunk after she kept referring to lunch period as “Miller time.” –Seth Meyers

An Oregon man led police on a 10-mile, high-speed chase on Sunday in a stolen street sweeper truck. On the bright side, by the time he was arrested, his community service was done. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

an endorsement from Trump is almost as worthless as a degree from Trump University (this walking vasectomy commercial)

December 2022

“This loss in the Georgia election is a tough break for Herschel Walker, though it will take him a couple days to understand what has happened. With this loss, Walker is expected to return to his previous job: lying about having previous jobs and on the bright side, it gives him more time to spend with his family, and more time to figure out who that is.” —Stephen Colbert

“Walker’s loss was another blow to Donald Trump. Even before last night, the major candidates that he endorsed in Nevada, Arizona, Pennsylvania, New Hampshire and Michigan all lost, leading some Republican insiders to claim that Georgia ‘broke’ Trump for good. Yes, Georgia broke him. Or as I just texted everyone in my phone: peach emoji, fist emoji.” —Stephen Colbert

“When you take a moment, when you step away from this race – do you understand how crazy this was? You had Raphael Warnock, a pastor. A pastor who is preaching at the same church as MLK. And Herschel Walker, a man who thinks MLK is how you spell milk.” —Trevor Noah

“Warnock is a gracious man – he was talking about democracy and America’s promise. I would’ve been up there like ‘are you people kidding me with this shit?!’ You guys are giving me a two-point win over this walking vasectomy commercial? Are you kidding me?!’” —Trevor Noah

“After Herschel Walker’s loss in the Georgia election, an endorsement from Trump is almost as worthless as a degree from Trump University.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The town filed a restraining order, but that just got them more excited (World Vasectomy Day)

A pair of zebras got loose in downtown Philadelphia this weekend after escaping from a nearby circus. They were chased down and captured almost immediately by Eagles fans who mistook them for referees. –Seth Meyers

Residents of a town in Missouri this week are complaining about the creation of a “bondage club” that operates next door to a church. The town filed a restraining order, but that just got them more excited. –Seth Meyers

Today was National Pickle Day. To celebrate, Trump is in one. --Seth Meyers

Friday was “World Vasectomy Day.” Which meant that Saturday was Frozen Peas Day. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens (an invincible love)

June 2022

“With contraception in the judicial cross hairs, folks are taking their genitals into their own hands, with men rushing to get vasectomies — and then very slowly walking home from them.” —Stephen Colbert

“According to one urologist, before the Supreme Court’s ruling he received four or five vasectomy requests a day. But since the decision, that number has spiked to 12 to 18. Makes sense. The most effective forms of birth control for men are abstinence and vasectomies. They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens.” —Stephen Colbert

“I’ve never personally performed a vasectomy, but I’d like to try my very first one on Samuel Alito.” —Chelsea Handler

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He celebrated by eating a Happy Meal at McDonald's, on a date with Stormy Daniels (chopped nuts)

Finally, a bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. And this is insensitive -- it has chopped nuts. --Seth Meyers

Before taking questions from reporters today, President Trump brushed dandruff off French President Emmanuel Macron's shoulder, and said, "We have to make him perfect." Then Macron returned the favor by putting a bag over Trump's head. --Seth Meyers

A new poll has found that 86% of Americans said that it’s important that the president be loyal to their spouse. Said Melania, “No, seriously, I’m good.” --Seth Meyers

It's not often that a single event sums up an entire presidency, but on Friday, we got one that came pretty close. Remember, Trump brags that he only hires the best people, calls the Russia investigation a hoax, calls CNN fake news, and his government shutdown left FBI agents without pay. So it was especially ironic when one of Trump's closest associates was arrested by unpaid FBI agents working for the special counsel in the Russia investigation, and the whole thing was caught on tape by CNN. The only way that could have been more humiliating for Trump is if Robert Mueller celebrated by eating a Happy Meal at McDonald's, on a date with Stormy Daniels. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It sounds like this guy was the victim of a sting operation (thinking about their Gonzagas)

And finally, the news from my homeland. A burglar in London recently attempted to sneak into a building through the backyard area and ended up disturbing the owner's beehive and the burglar was then chased away by a swarm of 80,000 angry bees. It sounds like this guy was the victim of a sting operation. --James Corden

The NCAA tournament continues, and according to a new study, the tournament leads to a 30% increase in vasectomies. Apparently men schedule the procedure so that they can recover while watching basketball. It is the one time of the year that everyone is thinking about their Gonzagas. --James Corden

A Gallup poll has just been released that shows that Donald Trump’s approval rating has fallen to a historic first-year low of 35 percent. Or as Kellyanne Conway calls it, just one more example of Trump beating Obama. –James Corden

A woman in Oregon has opened a business selling homemade weed pipes with Bernie's campaign logo on them. Weed pipes are the perfect gift for Bernie supporters. It's like getting a nice bottle of wine for a Hillary supporter, or getting somebody who wants to vote for Ted Cruz a machine gun made out of Bibles. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

OK Larry, drop your pants. We both know you were out of vacation days (Or as Kanye West calls it, March)

There's an easier way to get four days off to watch basketball. You can just say you got a vasectomy, you don't actually have to do it! Your boss isn't going to ask you, “OK Larry, drop your pants. We both know you were out of vacation days." –James Corden

Adult film star Stormy Daniels is back and this time she's suing Trump claiming that a 2016 hush agreement preventing her from discussing their affair is invalid because, get this, Trump never signed it. This is amazing, mostly because it's the first time Trump has ever not put his name on something. --James Corden

A vasectomy is not something you want to get at the busiest time of the year. It's not an iPhone. It's an unnecessary surgery on the most delicate part of your body. You know if they screw it up, there's no amount of basketball games that's going to make it OK. One slip of the knife and your elite eight becomes a final four. –James Corden

But we're not just tired today, we're also distracted because the NCAA College Basketball Championship bracket is set. Yes, it's time for March Madness! Or as Kanye West calls it, March. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

"Nah, I'm good," said Melania." (One of them even lost an eye... 26.)

A new study has found that when romantic partners hold hands while in pain, their brain waves can sync and decrease that pain. "Nah, I'm good," said Melania." --Seth Meyers

Two elderly women in Canada this week got into a physical fight after they both wanted to sit in the same chair during a game of Bingo. One of them even lost an eye... 26. --Seth Meyers

A doctor in the U.K. yesterday admitted misconduct charges after he accidentally performed a vasectomy on the wrong patient. Apparently, the patient was pretty upset when she woke up. --Seth Meyers

Adult website PornHub offered free snow removal during the blizzard yesterday to people in Boston and New Jersey. They cleared your sidewalk, your driveway, and your browser history. –Seth Meyers

That’s right. According to a new poll, 29% of people believe President Trump is a good role model for children. ”That’s all we needed to hear,” said Child Protective Services. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”