I get to hear it every time she pushes me down the stairs (a couple bruised fruits)

"The Pentagon says we'll be out of Libya in a couple of weeks. Let me translate that: 10-year quagmire." –David Letterman

"I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, but what I didn't realize is that those people are a**holes." –Jon Stewart

"Not only was Zarqawi killed, but so were seven of his cronies -- making it a good day for the U.S. military, but a bad day to be a virgin wrangler in Muslim heaven. Eight martyrs, 72 apiece? That's nearly 600 virgins needed, stat. My guess is some of the lower ranking guys might not be getting a full compliment if you know what I'm saying. I think the cherry orchard may have a couple bruised fruits." --Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee

"Bill Clinton is out there promoting his new book. In an interview, former President Bill Clinton says that most people don't know Hillary has the world's best laugh. Bill added, 'I get to hear it every time she pushes me down the stairs.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Maybe I'm a dreamer (I support lesbian independence for all)

"Anna Nicole Smith won her case in front of the Supreme Court. I think this is the first time that a bunch of old guys have given her something and lived to tell about it." --Jay Leno

"In a speech yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he 'supports lessening our dependence on foreign oil.' Unfortunately, it came out sounding more like, 'I support lesbian independence for all.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the military, they got al-Zarqawi while he was hiding in his safe house. As a result, it's been renamed the 'not-so-safe house.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Good luck, you poor bastard/graham cracker levees/Hindsight is 2020

"At a press conference, President Bush introduced his new press secretary Tony Snow, and the president said, this is a quote, 'His job is to help explain my decisions to the American people.' Yeah, then Bush turned to Snow and said, 'Good luck, you poor bastard.'" --Conan O'Brien

"New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin caused a controversy when he said when New Orleans is rebuilt, it will be a chocolate city. Yeah, he went on to say that it will be protected by a series of graham cracker levees." --Conan O'Brien

"Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was the world's most unhinged lunatic. He's now dead, so that moves Ann Coulter up to first place." --David Letterman

"There was a tribute to the Dance Theater of Harlem down there in Washington at the White House, and after dinner, Bush and his wife got up and danced for the crowd. And I was thinking about this, I believe the last time Bush danced for a black audience was when he tried to explain FEMA's response." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

I Spy a Concrete Barricade (not-so-safe house)

"According to the military, they got al-Zarqawi while he was hiding in his safe house. As a result, it's been renamed the 'not-so-safe house.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Something happened last night, I was down in Washington, D.C., love it down there, can't get enough of that city. Anyway, I was out with my buddy, Rep. Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island, and we were driving home, and I suggested we play a game of I Spy a Concrete Barricade. Patrick is a fierce competitor and, well, he won." --Stephen Colbert

"Anybody here from New Zealand? They have a big, new attraction. It's a live sex show in New Zealand. They have actual bulls mounting a simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work." --David Letterman

"New York is on a heightened state of alert. They say New Yorkers should be aware of suspicious activity. I'm thinking, 'Hell, that's our number one industry.'" --David Letterman

Clinton describes one time when an intern held her breathe for nine minutes (that moves Ann Coulter up to first place)

"$1.4 billion in hurricane relief was spent on booze, was spent on vacations, spent on hookers. Well apparently, some of the folks down there got blown more than once." --David Letterman

"Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was the world's most unhinged lunatic. He's now dead, so that moves Ann Coulter up to first place." --David Letterman

"Bill Clinton is writing another book. The first one was an enormous book and it was his life story. This next one is going to be a fascinating book. In the book, Clinton describes one time when an intern held her breathe for nine minutes." --David Letterman

Warm up the Virgins (caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael)

"It's about as low as you can go without getting caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael." --Jimmy Kimmel, on Bush's low approval rating

"I have to agree with Hillary on this. I liked Ann Coulter better when she was fighting Sigourney Weaver on those 'Alien' movies." –Jay Leno

  

"We finally got some good news yesterday from the war in Iraq. As you have probably heard, the Air Force exploded Iraq's head of al Qaeda, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. I was looking forward to seeing what the New York Post had to say about it. This is the actual cover of the newspaper. There you see the dead face of al-Zarqawi with the cartoon bubble saying, 'Warm up the Virgins.' Coincidentally, 'Warm up the Virgins' is also Arnold Schwarzenegger's new campaign slogan." --Jimmy Kimmel

Freedom From Want-Wall Street Style (lesbian independence for all)

"In a speech yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announce that he 'supports lessening our dependence on foreign oil.' Unfortunately, it came out sounding more like, 'I support lesbian independence for all.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the military, they got al-Zarqawi while he was hiding in his safe house. As a result, it's been renamed the 'not-so-safe house.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Something happened last night, I was down in Washington, D.C., love it down there, can't get enough of that city. Anyway, I was out with my buddy, Rep. Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island, and we were driving home, and I suggested we play a game of I Spy a Concrete Barricade. Patrick is a fierce competitor and, well, he won." --Stephen Colbert

or as the special forces refer to him, 'Next.' (George W. Bush office of Embellishment)

"Did you hear about this al-Zarqawi? They knocked him out over the weekend and al Qaeda has chosen a new leader. His name is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. Yeah, he's the new al Qaeda leader in Iraq and it's a huge step for this guy because his last job he was in charge of corporate gifting. They didn't waste any time. Zarqawi was killed and they named this Abu Hamza al-Muhajer, or as the special forces refer to him, 'Next.'" --David Letterman

"A few weeks after U.S. troops dropped two 500-pound surprises on al-Zarqawi, the White House dropped a 190-pound surprise on U.S. troops in the form of a presidential visit. Said the Iraqi prime minister to the president, 'If I knew you were coming, I'd have built an infrastructure.'" --Jon Stewart

"The FBI says it wants Zarqawi's DNA so they can compare it with samples found in other terrorist safe houses and to establish the extent of his influence. And if need be, clone him so he can be killed again closer to the midterm elections." --Jon Stewart

Hillary asks Bill to do is to stop winking when he says that (throws the curve way off)

"In a recent speech, former President Bill Clinton said that if  Hillary runs for president, he'll do whatever is asked of him. Hillary says the first thing she's going to ask Bill to do is to stop winking when he says that." --Conan O'Brien

"Ann Coulter is going to be on the show tomorrow night. Security is very tight. In fact, there is even restricted airspace over the studio. Her people are afraid that Dorothy's house could drop on her." --Jay Leno

"Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Late Show. I need your help with this. Do you think it's soon to hit on Mrs. Zarqawi?" --David Letterman

"According to a recent study, my home state of Massachusetts has some of the worst drivers in the nation, but in fairness to Massachusetts, we do have the Kennedys. That throws the curve way off." --Jay Leno

Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work (lesbian independence for all)

"In a speech yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announce that he 'supports lessening our dependence on foreign oil.' Unfortunately, it came out sounding more like, 'I support lesbian independence for all.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the military, they got al-Zarqawi while he was hiding in his safe house. As a result, it's been renamed the 'not-so-safe house.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Anybody here from New Zealand? They have a big, new attraction. It's a live sex show in New Zealand. They have actual bulls mounting a simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work." --David Letterman

"New York is on a heightened state of alert. They say New Yorkers should be aware of suspicious activity. I'm thinking, 'Hell, that's our number one industry'" --David Letterman

They're the first nation to put a man on Condoleezza (Where Are My Teeth?)

"Florida Governor Jeb Bush signed a new law making 'In God We Trust' Florida's official state motto. 'In God We Trust' just barely beat out Florida's other state motto, 'Where Are My Teeth?'" --Conan O'Brien

  

"Condoleezza Rice is apparently dating a Canadian politician. It's a proud day for Canada. They're the first nation to put a man on Condoleezza." --David Letterman

"New information has surfaced about the circumstances of Zarqawi's death. For example, it now appears Zarqawi survived the initial air strike for an estimated 52 minutes. Even hours later, Senate Majority Leader, doctor Bill Frist continued to insist, 'The man seems to respond to visual stimuli.'" --Jon Stewart

I'm in a Million Little Pieces (artificial timelines)

"The Fox network has a brand new show on Sunday nights. It's called, 'When Presidents Attack.' Did you see that? Former President Clinton lashed out at reporter Chris Wallace the other night on Fox News. When questioned about Osama bin Laden, Clinton said he tried to kill bin Laden. I believe him, but we all know what bad aim Clinton has." --Jay Leno

"The Japanese Prime Minister joined the United States in condemning North Korea's missile policy. The Japanese Prime Minister was really upset when he found out they had missiles that could reach Graceland." --Jay Leno 

"I think al-Zarqawi knew what his fate was going to be, like today they released his autobiography. Coincidentally it's called, 'I'm in a Million Little Pieces.'" --Jay Leno

If I knew you were coming, I'd have built an infrastructure (Next)

"A few weeks after U.S. troops dropped two 500-pound surprises on al-Zarqawi, the White House dropped a 190-pound surprise on U.S. troops in the form of a presidential visit. Said the Iraqi prime minister to the president, 'If I knew you were coming, I'd have built an infrastructure.'" --Jon Stewart

"The FBI says it wants Zarqawi's DNA so they can compare it with samples found in other terrorist safe houses and to establish the extent of his influence. And if need be, clone him so he can be killed again closer to the midterm elections." --Jon Stewart

"Al Qaeda has released another video. This is rather strange. It features a 28-year-old American named Adam Pearlman from Orange County, California. Who is in al Qaeda? How crazy is that? Finally, an American takes a job away from somebody overseas, and it's in al Qaeda." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this al-Zarqawi? They knocked him out over the weekend and al Qaeda has chosen a new leader. His name is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. Yeah, he's the new al Qaeda leader in Iraq and it's a huge step for this guy because his last job he was in charge of corporate gifting. They didn't waste any time. Zarqawi was killed and they named this Abu Hamza al-Muhajer, or as the special forces refer to him, 'Next.'" --David Letterman

Socialism/nuclear wedgie/Not exactly a Jack Bauer moment

"The big news today! American forces have killed Pavarrati. They finally got him. He was face down in a bowl of fettucini alfredo. Actually, they killed that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the man who ran the al Qaeda in Iraq. In lieu of flowers, the Zarqawi family's asking that you send deodorant." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Air Force dropped two 500 pound bombs on him and just to be sure, they swooped down and gave him a nuclear wedgie." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A federal air marshall has been suspended from his job after appearing on the TV show, '20/20,' to complain that the government isn't doing enough to protect the identity of air marshals. He went on TV to complain that the government was not keeping his identity a secret. Not exactly a Jack Bauer moment." --Jay Leno

So you know what that means? Ann Coulter could be next (bruised fruits)

"Secretary of Defense  Donald Rumsfeld said al-Zarqawi was 'mean, vicious, and hateful.' So you know what that means?  Ann Coulter could be next." --Jay Leno

"Finally good news in the administration's War on Terror. No doubt Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld overjoyed of the news If he seemed a little disoriented or a little choked up, it's because this is the first thing he's done right." --Jon Stewart

"Not only was Zarqawi killed, but so were seven of his cronies -- making it a good day for the U.S. military, but a bad day to be a virgin wrangler in Muslim heaven. Eight martyrs, 72 apiece? That's nearly 600 virgins needed, stat. My guess is some of the lower ranking guys might not be getting a full compliment if you know what I'm saying. I think the cherry orchard may have a couple bruised fruits." --Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee

As a result, it's been renamed the not-so-safe house (Little Pieces)

"According to the military, they got al-Zarqawi while he was hiding in his safe house. As a result, it's been renamed the 'not-so-safe house.'" --Conan O'Brien

"U.S. forces killed terrorist al-Zarqawi in an air strike. We didn't get the devil on 666, but we only missed by one day. He was hit by two 500 pound bombs. In fact, al-Zarqawi's name is now ow-ow-ow-Zarqawi. You know what his last words were? 'Holy Shiite.'" --Jay Leno

"I think al-Zarqawi knew what his fate was going to be, like today they released his autobiography. Coincidentally it's called, 'I'm in a Million Little Pieces.'" --Jay Leno

The 9 Lives of a Fat Cat (Warm up the Virgins)

"Big personnel change at the White House. Yesterday, President Bush's chief speechwriter announced he's leaving the White House. His exact words were, 'Me go now.'" --Conan O'Brien

  

"Congress is outraged by these bogus claims. Congress said, 'If people want to break the law and steal taxpayer money, hey, get elected to Congress like everybody else.'"  --Jay Leno

"I have to agree with Hillary on this. I liked Ann Coulter better when she was fighting Sigourney Weaver on those 'Alien' movies." –Jay Leno

"We finally got some good news yesterday from the war in Iraq. As you have probably heard, the Air Force exploded Iraq's head of al Qaeda, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. I was looking forward to seeing what the New York Post had to say about it. This is the actual cover of the newspaper. There you see the dead face of al-Zarqawi with the cartoon bubble saying, 'Warm up the Virgins.' Coincidentally, 'Warm up the Virgins' is also Arnold Schwarzenegger's new campaign slogan." --Jimmy Kimmel

so that moves Ann Coulter up to first place (too soon to hit on Mrs. Zarqawi?)

"President Bush still wrestling with the immigration issue right now. You got to give him credit. He's really working on hard on this. This week, President Bush said that any attempt to deport 11 million illegal aliens 'ain't gonna work.' Then, when reporters asked Bush what he was going to do for the rest of the afternoon, he said, 'Ain't gonna work.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Late Show. I need your help with this. Do you think it's too soon to hit on Mrs. Zarqawi?" --David Letterman

"Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was the world's most unhinged lunatic. He's now dead, so that moves Ann Coulter up to first place." --David Letterman

Warm up the Virgins (Arnold Schwarzenegger's new campaign slogan)

"We finally got some good news yesterday from the war in Iraq. As you have probably heard, the Air Force exploded Iraq's head of al Qaeda, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. I was looking forward to seeing what the New York Post had to say about it. This is the actual cover of the newspaper. There you see the dead face of al-Zarqawi with the cartoon bubble saying, 'Warm up the Virgins.' Coincidentally, 'Warm up the Virgins' is also Arnold Schwarzenegger's new campaign slogan." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The good news for al-Zarqawi is according to Islamic law, he does get 72 virgins. The bad news is they're all William Hung. Actually there is some disagreement among those who study the Koran about whether so-called martyrs get 72 virgins. Many say it is a mistranslation and they actually get 72 raisins." --Jimmy Kimmel

now you wind up in hell with 72 year-old virgins (maddest Hillary's ever been)

"And more problems for al-Zarqawi. You know how they believe when you get to heaven, you get 72 virgins? Turns out, now you wind up in hell with 72 year-old virgins." --Jay Leno

"Discussing the incident, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld described him as 'dark, sadistic and medieval' to which Dick Cheney said, 'You make that sound like a bad thing.'" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is furious at Ann Coulter for attacking the 9/11 widows. This is the maddest Hillary's ever been at a woman not currently sleeping with her husband." --Jay Leno