if there were ever a human version of bagpipes..

I saw that after his recent comments about Muslims, Donald Trump was fired as a global ambassador for Scotland. Which is ironic, ’cuz if there were ever a human version of bagpipes, it's Donald Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton told People Magazine that her granddaughter called her “grandma” for the first time on the same night as the first Democratic debate. Then Hillary gazed into her granddaughter's eyes and said, "This is my night, not yours. Pick your moments." -- Jimmy Fallon

The Navy is facing a lot of criticism today for naming their newest combat ship after Andrew Jackson. So to completely avoid controversy, they’re going to rename the ship after Michael Jackson. –Conan O’Brien