You can't go wrong with another pair of ladies' sunglasses (I feel like I'm watching someone's home movies)

"The Winter Olympics are under way in Canada. Skiing, snowboarding, ice-skating, these are not sports. They're vacation activities. I feel like I'm watching someone's home movies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They showed the biathlon today, a combination of cross-country skiing and shooting rifles, which is known to Sarah Palin as 'commuting.' " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is the birthday of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. And a lot of people want to get the guy gifts. I have a suggestion. You can't go wrong with another pair of ladies' sunglasses." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the Russians set a new speed record for skiing UP the mountain (And, this is nice...)

Russia has been banned from the upcoming Winter Olympics for the use of performance-enhancing drugs. And, this is nice — Russia was also banned from participating in the next presidential election. –James Corden

Olympic officials first got suspicious that Russians were using performance-enhancing drugs when the Russians set a new speed record for skiing UP the mountain. –James Corden

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulse #collectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

We prefer to look at the glass as 'half-ungroped.' (Back then I was into older women)

Yesterday, another woman came forward with proof from the 1980s that Roy Moore pursued her when she was 17. Moore said, "What can I say? Back then I was into older women." –Conan O’Brien

Russia has been banned from the Winter Olympics. But don’t feel bad, Russia – even though you won’t win any gold medals, you did win the U.S. presidential election. –Conan O’Brien

A spokeswoman for Roy Moore has defended him, saying there are plenty of women in Alabama that he didn’t sexually abuse. She said, "We prefer to look at the glass as 'half-ungroped.'" –Conan O’Brien

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulse #collectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I’ve been a proud card-carrying douche since 1987 (curling, pt. 3)

The International Olympic Committee just announced that it has banned Russia from competing in the 2018 Winter Olympics because of doping violations. Or, as Putin put it, "Hello, Donald? Is time to return a favor." –Jimmy Fallon

Russia was banned from the Olympics. But Russia doesn’t mind — they said they’ll just invade some other teams. –Jimmy Fallon

It’s very interesting — athletes from Russia can still participate, but they won’t get credit for winning any medals. Yeah, Olympic events that don’t matter — or as most people call it, “curling.” –Jimmy Fallon

Robert Mueller issued a subpoena to Deutsche Bank for documents on its relationship with President Trump. Trump couldn't believe it – he said, "I thought it was pronounced 'Douche Bank.' It was funny – that's why I joined! I’ve been a proud card-carrying douche since 1987.” –Jimmy Fallon

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulse #collectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Joe Theisman delivered the Prostate of the Union

"In anticipation of the Winter Olympics, a female curling champion released some sexy photos of herself curling in lingerie. When asked for comment, Americans said they're still not going to watch curling." –Conan O'Brien

"Immediately after the State of the Union address, Joe Theisman delivered the Prostate of the Union." –David Letterman



"Oprah Winfrey is 60 years old today. All federal offices and banks are closed." –David Letterman 



Steven Seagal is considering running for governor of Arizona

"Actor Steven Seagal says that he is considering running for governor of Arizona. It’s looking pretty good. They said if the election were held today he would actually beat Dolph Lundgren." –Jay Leno



"Liz Cheney has decided to pull out of her Senate campaign race in Wyoming — thus making her the first Cheney with an actual exit strategy." –Jay Leno

"In advance of the Winter Olympics in Sochi, the Russian government announced that, contrary to popular belief, people in Russia will be allowed to protest. But only in a special protest zone – known as 'Siberia.'" –Jay Leno

One month left to stop being gay

"The Supreme Court has halted gay marriages in Utah. The Supreme Court said that in Utah marriage is still a sacred bond between a man and his six wives." –Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow marks the one-month countdown to the Winter Olympics in Russia. Vladimir Putin said, 'Athletes, you got one month left to train — and gay athletes, one month left to stop being gay.'" –Conan O'Brien



"The Winter Olympics are around the corner. President Vladimir Putin says people will be allowed to protest the Winter Olympics as long as they stay in a designated protesting zone. When they asked where the zone is located Putin said, 'Poland.'" –Jimmy Fallon    

In a related story, figure skating has been canceled

"Russia also has the Winter Olympics, and that’s a big mess too because, you know, Russia is really, really anti-gay. You know this? Seriously, they said they would arrest any Olympic athletes for “promoting” homosexuality. In a related story, figure skating has been canceled." –Bill Maher



"All our best to former President George W. Bush, who is recovering from successful heart surgery today. All day the media have been sending get-well wishes to President Bush. Fox News sent flowers. MSNBC sent a steak and cheese fries. " –Jay Leno 

"Photos of the royal baby's birth certificate have surfaced. Kate's occupation on the document is listed as 'princess.' It's always inspiring to me when a new mother decides to remain in the workplace." –Conan O'Brien