"Glenn Beck announced that he is ending his daily show on Fox News. He didn't want to end it. He just ran out of conspiracy theories." –Jay Leno
"If there's a shutdown, federal meat inspections may be delayed. In other words, Taco Bell will not be affected." –Conan O'Brien
"Donald Trump came in second place in a poll asking people who they want for president. I wouldn't get too excited. It was a poll of Democrats." –Craig Ferguson
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